SCENE XII.
GREGORY, JAMES, and DAVY.
GREGORY. Gad, matters go swimmingly. I’ll even continue a physician as long as I live.
JAMES. [Speaking to Davy.] Fear not; if he relapse into his humours, I’ll quickly thrash him into the physician again. Doctor, I have brought you a patient.
DAVY. My poor wife, Doctor, has kept her bed these six months. [Gregory holds out his hand.] If your worship would find out some means to cure her —
GREGORY. What’s the matter with her?
DAVY. Why, she has had several physicians; one says ‘Tis the dropsy; another ‘Tis the what-d’ye-call it, the tumpany; a third says ‘Tis a slow fever; a fourth says the rheumatiz: a fifth —
GREGORY. What are the symptoms?
DAVY. Symptoms, sir!
GREGORY. Ay, ay, what does she complain of?
DAVY. Why, she is always craving, and craving for drink; eats nothing at all. Then her legs are swelled up as big as a good handsome post, and as cold they be as a stone.
GREGORY. Come to the purpose; speak to the purpose, my friend. [Holding out his hand.
DAVY. The purpose is, sir, that I am come to ask what your worship pleases to have done with her.
GREGORY. Pshaw, pshaw, pshaw! I don’t understand one word what you mean.
JAMES. His wife is sick, Doctor; and he has brought you a guinea for your advice. Give it the doctor, friend.
[Davy gives the guinea.
GREGORY. Ay, now I understand you; here’s a gentleman explain the case. You say your wife is sick of the dropsy?
DAVY. Yes, an’t please your worship.
GREGORY. Well, I have made a shift to comprehend your meaning at last; you have the strangest way of describing a distemper! You say your wife is always calling for drink; let her have as much as she desires! she can’t drink too much; and d’ye hear, give her this piece of cheese.
DAVY. Cheese, sir!
GREGORY. Ay, cheese, sir. The cheese of which this is a part has cured more people of dropsy than ever had it.
DAVY. I give your worship a thousand thanks; I’ll go make her take it immediately. [Exit.
GREGORY. GO, and if she dies, be sure to bury her after the best manner you can.
SCENE XIII.
GREGORY, DORCAS.
DORCAS. I’m like to pay severely for my frolic, if I have lost my husband by it.
GREGORY. Oh, physic and matrimony! my wife!
DORCAS. For though the rogue used me a little roughly, he was as good a workman as any in five miles of his head.
AIR VI. Thomas, I cannot.
A fig for the dainty civil spouse,
Who’s bred at the court, or France,
He treats his wife with smiles and bows,
And minds not the good main chance.
Be Gregory
The man for me,
Though given to many a maggot;
For he would work
Like any Turk;
None like him e’er handled a fagot, a fagot,
None like him e’er handled a fagot.
GREGORY. What evil stars, in the devil’s name, have sent her thither? If I could but persuade her to take a pill or two that I’d give her, I should be a physician to some purpose — Come hider, shild, letta me feela your pulse.
DORCAS. What have you to do with my pulse?
GREGORY. I am de French physicion, my dear; and I am to feel a de pulse of the pation.
DORCAS. Yes, but I am no pation, sir; nor want no physicion, good Doctor Ragou.
GREGORY. Begar, you must be putta to bed, and take a de peel; me sal give you de litle peel dat sal cure you, as you have more distempre den evere were hered off.
DORCAS. -What’s the matter with the fool? If you feel my pulse any more, I shall feel your ears for you.
GREGORY. Begar, you must taka de peel.
DORCAS. Begar, I shall not taka de peel.
GREGORY. I’ll take this opportunity to try her. [Aside.
— Maye dear, if you will not letta me cura you, you sal cura me; you sal be my physicion, and I will give you de fee. [Holds out a purse.
DORCAS. Ay, my stomach does not go against those pills. And what must I do for your fee?
GREGORY. Oh! begar, me vill show you; me vill teacha you what you sal doe. You must come kissa me now; you must come kissa me.
DORCAS. [Kisses him.] As I live, my very hang-dog! I’ve discovered him in good time, or he had discovered me. [Aside.] — Well, Doctor, and are you curcd now?
GREGORY. I shall make myself a cuckold presently, [Aside.] — Dis is not a propre place: dis is too public: for sud any one pass bye while I taka dis physic, it vill preventa de opperation.
DORCAS. What physic, Doctor?
GREGORY. In your ear dat. [Whispers.
DORCAS. And in your ear dat, sirrah, [Hitting him a box] — Do you dare affront my virtue, you villain? Do you think the world should bribe me to part with my virtue, my dear virtue? There, take your purse again.
GREGORY. But where’s the gold?
DORCAS. The gold I’ll keep, as an eternal monument of my virtue.
GREGORY. Oh, what a happy dog am I, to find my wife so virtuous a woman, when I least expected it! Oh, my injured dear! behold your Gregory, your own husband!
DORCAS. Ha!
GREGORY. Oh me! I’m so full of joy, I cannot tell thee more, than that I am as much the happiest of men as thou art the most virtuous of women.
DORCAS. And art thou really my Gregory? And hast thou any more of these purses?
GREGORY. No, my dear, I have no more about me; but ‘tis probable in a few days I may have a hundred; for the strangest accident has happened to me!
DORCAS. Yes, my dear; but I can tell you who you are obliged to for that accident: had you not beaten me this morning, I had never had you beaten into a physician.
GREGORY. Oh, ho! then ‘tis to you I owe all that drubbing?
DORCAS. Yes, my dear, though I little dreamt of the consequence.
GREGORY. How infinitely I’m obliged to thee! — But hush.
SCENE XIV.
GREGORY, HELLEBORE.
HELLEBORE. Are not you the great doctor just come to this town, so famous for curing dumbness?
GREGORY. Sir, I am he.
HELLEBORE. Then, sir, I should be glad of your advice.
GREGORY. Let me feel your pulse.
HELLEBORE. Not for myself, good Doctor: I am myself, sir, a brother of the faculty: what the world calls a Mad
DOCTOR. I have at present under my care a patient whom I can by no means prevail with to speak.
GREGORY. I shall make him speak, sir.
HELLEBORE. It will add, sir, to the great reputation you have already acquired; and I am happy in finding you.
GREGORY. Sir, I am as happy in finding you. You see that woman there; she is possessed with a more strange sort of madness, and imagines every man she sees to be her husband. Now, sir, if you will but admit her into your house —
HELLEBORE. Most willingly, sir.
GREGORY. The first thing, sir, you are to do, is to let out thirty ounces of her blood; then, sir, you are to shave off all her hair; all her hair, sir: after which you are to make a very severe use of your rod twice a day; and take particular care that she have not the least allowance beyond bread and water.
HELLEBORE. Sir, I shall readily agree to the dictates of so great a man; nor can I help approving of your method, which is exceeding mild and wholesome. Gregory [To his wife.] My dear, that gentleman will conduct you to my lodging. — Sir, I beg you will take a particular care of the lady.
HELLEBORE. You may depend on’t sir; nothing in my power shall be wanting: you have only to inquire for Dr. Hellebore.
DORCAS. ‘Twon’t be long before I see you, husband?
HELLEBORE. Husband! This is as unaccountable a madness as any I have yet met with. [Exit with Dorcas.
SCENE XV.
GREGORY, LEANDER.
GREGORY. I think I shall b
e revenged of you now, my dear. — So, sir.
LEANDER. I think I make a pretty good apothecary now.
GREGORY. Yes, faith, you’re almost as good an apothecary as I’m a physician; and if you please I’ll convey you to the patient.
LEANDER. If I did but know a few physical hard words.
GREGORY. A few physical hard words! why, in a few physical hard words consists the science. Would you know as much as the whole faculty in an instant, sir? Come along, come along. — Hold, let me go first; the doctor must always go before the apothecary. [Exeunt.
SCENE XVI
SIR JASPER’S House.
SIR JASPER, CHARLOTTE, MAID, GREGORY, LEANDER.
SIR JASPER. Has she made no attempt to speak yet?
MAID. Not in the least, sir; so far from it, that as she used to make a sort of a noise before, she is now quite silent.
SIR JASPER. [Looking on his watch.] ‘Tis almost the time the doctor promised to return. — Oh! he is here. Doctor, your servant.
GREGORY. Well, sir, how does my patient?
SIR JASPER. Rather worse, sir, since your prescription.
GREGORY. So much the better; ‘Tis a sign that it operates.
SIR JASPER. Who is that gentleman, pray, with you?
GREGORY. An apothecary, sir. Mr. Apothecary, I desire you would immediately apply that song I prescribed.
SIR JASPER. A song, Doctor? prescribe a song!
GREGORY. Prescribe a song, sir! Yes, sir, prescribe a song, sir! Is there any thing so strange in that? Did you never hear of Pills to purge Melancholy? If you understand these things better than I, why did you send for me? ‘Sbud, sir, this song would make a stone speak. — But, if you please, sir, you and I will confer at some distance during the application: for this song will do you as much harm as it will do your daughter good. Be sure, Mr. Apothecary, to pour it down her ears very closely.
AIR VII.
LEA. Thus, lovely patient Charlotte sees
Her dying patient kneel:
Soon cured will be your feign’d disease,
But what physician e’er can ease
The torments which I feel?
Think, skilful nymph, while I complain,
Ah, think what I endure:
All other remedies are vain:
The lovely cause of all my pain
Can only cause my cure.
GREGORY. It is, sir, a great and subtle question among the doctors, whether women are more easy to be cured than men. I beg you would attend to this, sir, if you please. — Some say, No; others say, Yes; and for my part, I say both Yes and No; forasmuch as the incongruity of the opaque humours that meet in the natural temper of women are the cause that the brutal part will always prevail over the sensible. — One sees that the inequality of their opinions depends on the black movement of the circle of the moon, and as the sun that darts his rays upon the concavity of the earth, finds —
CHARLOTTE. No, I am not at all capable of changing my opinion.
SIR JASPER. My daughter speaks! my daughter speaks! Oh, the great power of physic! Oh, the admirable physician! How can I reward thee for such a service?
GREGORY. This distemper has given me a most insufferable deal of trouble. [Traversing the stage in a great heat, the Apothecary following.
CHARLOTTE. Yes, sir, I have recovered my speech: but I have recovered it to tell you, that I never will have any husband but Leander. [Speaks with great eagerness, and drives Sir Jasper round the stage.
SIR JASPER. But —
CHARLOTTE. Nothing is capable to shake the resolution I have taken.
SIR JASPER. What!
CHARLOTTE. Your rhetoric is in vain, all your discourses signify nothing.
SIR JASPER. I
CHARLOTTE. I am determined, and all the fathers in the world shall never oblige me to marry contrary to my inclinations.
SIR JASPER. I have —
CHARLOTTE. I never will submit to this tyranny; and if I must not have the man I like, I’ll die a maid.
SIR JASPER. You shall have Mr. Dapper —
CHARLOTTE. No, not in any manner, not in the least, not at all; you throw away your breath, you lose your time; you may confine me, beat me, bruise me, destroy me, kill me, do what you will, use me as you will, but I never will consent; nor all your threats, nor all your blows, nor all your ill-usage, never shall force me to consent: so far from giving him my heart, I never will give him my hand; for he is my aversion. I hate the very sight of him; I had rather see the devil, I had rather touch a toad: you may make me miserable any other way, but with him you sha’n’t, that I’m resolved.
GREGORY. There, sir, there, I think we have brought her tongue to a pretty tolerable consistency.
SIR JASPER. Consistency, quotha! why, there is no stopping her tongue. Dear Doctor, I desire you would make her dumb again.
GREGORY. That’s impossible, sir; all that I can do to serve you is, I can make you deaf, if you please.
SIR JASPER. And do you think —
CHARLOTTE. All your reasoning shall never conquer my resolution.
SIR JASPER. You shall marry Mr. Dapper this evening.
CHARLOTTE. I’ll be buried first.
GREGORY. Stay, sir, stay, let me regulate this affair; it is a distemper that possesses her, and I know what remedy to apply to it.
SIR JASPER. It is impossible, sir, that you can cure the distempers of the mind.
GREGORY. Sir, I can cure any thing. Harkye, Mr. Apothecary, you see that the love she has for Leander is entirely contrary to the will of her father, and that there is no time to lose, and that an immediate remedy is necessary; for my part, I know of but one, which is a dose of Purgative Running-away mixt with two drachms of pills Matrimoniac, and three large handfuls of the Arbor Vitæ: perhaps she will make some difficulty to take them; but as you are an able apothecary, I shall trust you for the success: go, make her walk in the garden: be sure you lose no time; to the remedy, quick, to the remedy specific.
SCENE XVII.
SIR JASPER, GREGORY.
SIR JASPER. What drugs, sir, were those I heard you mention, for I don’t remember I ever heard them spoke of before?
GREGORY. They are some, sir, lately discovered by the Royal Society.
SIR JASPER. Did you ever see any thing equal to her insolence?
GREGORY. Daughters are indeed sometimes a little too headstrong.
SIR JASPER. You cannot imagine, sir, how foolishly fond she is of that Leander.
GREGORY. The heat of blood, sir causes that in young minds.
SIR JASPER. For my part, the moment I discovered the violence of her passion, I have always kept her locked up.
GREGORY. You have done very wisely.
SIR JASPER. And I have prevented them from having the least communication together, for who knows what might have been the consequence? Who knows but she might have taken it into her head to have run away with him!
GREGORY. Very true.
SIR JASPER. Ay, sir, let me alone for governing girls; I think I have some reason to be vain on that head; I think I have shown the world that I understand a little of women, I think I have; and let me tell you, sir, there is not a little art required; if this girl had had some fathers, they had not kept her out of the hands of so vigilant a lover as I have done.
GREGORY. No certainly, sir.
SCENE XVIII.
SIR JASPER, DORCAS, GREGORY.
DORCAS. Where is this villain, this rogue, this pretended physician?
SIR JASPER. Heyday! what, what, what’s the matter now?
DORCAS. Oh, sirrah! sirrah! — would you have destroyed your wife, you villain! Would you have been guilty of murder, dog?
GREGORY. Hoity toity! — What mad woman is this?
SIR JASPER. Poor wretch! for pity’s sake cure her, Doctor.
GREGORY. Sir. I shall not cure her unless somebody gives me a fee. If you will give me a fee, Sir Jasper, you shall see me cure her this instant.
DORCAS. I’ll fee you you
villain. — Cure me!
AIR VIII.
If you hope by your skill
To give Dorcas a pill.
You are not a deep politician;
Could wives but be brought
To swallow the draught.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 298