SOURWIT . Mr. Medley, you know I am a plain speaker, so you will excuse any liberties I take.
MEDLEY. Dear sir, you can’t oblige me more.
SOURWIT . Then, I must tell you, sir, I am a little staggered at the name of your piece; doubtless, sir, you know the rules of writing, and I can’t guess how you can bring the actions of a whole year into the circumference of four and twenty hours.
MEDLEY. Sir, I have several answers to make to your objection; in the first place, my piece is not of a nature confined to any rules, as being avowedly irregular, but if it was otherwise, I think I could quote you precedents of plays that neglect them; besides, sir, if I comprise the whole actions of the year in half an hour, will you blame me, or those who have done so little in that time? My Register is not to be filled like those of vulgar news-writers with trash for want of news: and, therefore, if I say little or nothing, you may thank those who have done little or
Enter PROMPTER with books.
Oh, here are my books.
SOURWIT . In print, already, Mr. Medley?
MEDLEY. Yes, sir, it is the safest way, for if a man stays till he is damned, it is possible he never may get into print at all; the town is capricious, for which reason always print as fast as you write, that if they damn your play, they may not damn your copy too.
SOURWIT . Well, sir, and pray what is your design, your plot?
MEDLEY. Why, sir, I have several plots, some pretty deep, and some but shallow.
SOURWIT . I hope, sir, they all conduce to the main design.
MEDLEY. Yes, sir, they do.
SOURWIT . Pray, sir, what is that?
MEDLEY. TO divert the town and bring full houses.
SOURWIT . Pshaw! you misunderstand me, I mean what is your moral, your, your, your —
MEDLEY. Oh! sir, I comprehend you — Why, sir, my design is to ridicule the vicious and foolish customs of the age, and that in a fair manner, without fear, favour, or illnature, and without scurrility, ill-manners, or common-place; I hope to expose the reigning follies in such a manner, that men shall laugh themselves out of them before they feel that they are touched.
SOURWIT . But what thread or connection can you have in this history? For instance, how is your political connected with your theatrical?
MEDLEY. O very easily — When my politics come to a farce, they very naturally lead me to the play-house, where, let me tell you, there are some politicians too, where there is lying, flattering, dissembling, promising, deceiving, and undermining, as well as in any court in Christendom.
Enter a PLAYER.
PLAYER. Won’t you begin your rehearsal, sir?
MEDLEY. Ay, ay, with all my heart; is the music ready for the prologue?
SOURWIT . Music for the prologue!
MEDLEY. Ay, sir, I intend to have every thing new. I had rather be the author of my. own dulness, than the publisher of other men’s wit; and really, Mr. Sourwit, the subjects for prologues are utterly exhausted: I think the general method has been either to frighten the audience with the author’s reputation, or to flatter them to give their applause, or to beseech them to it, and that in a manner that will serve for every play alike: now, sir, my prologue will serve for no play but my own, and to that I think nothing can be better adapted; for as mine is the history of the year, what can be a properer prologue than an Ode to the New Year?
SOURWIT . An Ode to the New Year?
MEDLEY. Yes, sir, an Ode to the New Year — Come, begin, begin.
Enter PROMPTER.
PROMPTER. Sir, the prologue is ready.
SOURWIT . Dear Medley, let me hear you read it; possibly it may be sung so fine, I may not understand a word of it.
MEDLEY. Sir, you can’t oblige me more.
ODE TO THE NEW YEAR.
This is a day, in days of yore,
Our fathers never saw before:
This is a day, ‘Tis one to ten,
Our sons will never see again
Then sing the day,
And sing the song,
And thus be merry
All day long.
This is the day,
And that’s the night,
When the sun shall be gay,
And the moon shall be bright.
The sun shall rise,
All in the skies;
The moon shall go,
All down below.
Then sing the day,
And sing the song,
And thus be merry
All day long.
Ay, ay, come on, and sing it away.
Enter Singers, who sing the Ode.
MEDLEY. There, sir; there’s the very quintessence and cream of all the odes I have seen for several years last past.
SOURWIT . Ay, sir, I thought you would not be the publisher of another man’s wit?
MEDLEY. No more I an’t, sir; for the devil of any wit did I ever see in any of them.
SOURWIT . Oh! your most humble servant, sir.
MEDLEY. Yours, sir, yours; now for my play. Prompter, are the politicians all ready at the table?
PROMPTER. I’ll go and see, sir. [Exit.
MEDLEY. My first scene, Mr. Sourwit, lies in the island of Corsica, being at present the chief scene of politics of all Europe.
Enter PROMPTER.
PROMPTER. Sir, they are ready.
MEDLEY. Then draw the scene, and discover them.
[Scene draws and discovers five POLITICIANS sitting at a table.
SOURWIT . Here’s a mistake in the print, Mr. Medley. I observe the second politician is the first person who speaks.
MEDLEY. Sir, my first and greatest politician never speaks at all, he is a very deep man, by which you will observe, I convey this moral, that the chief art of a politician is to keep a secret.,
SOURWIT . To keep his politics a secret I suppose you mean.
MEDLEY. Come, sir, begin.
2 POLITICIAN. Is King Theodore returned yet?
3 POLITICIAN. NO.
2 POLITICIAN. When will he return?
3 POLITICIAN. I cannot tell.
SOURWIT. This politician seems to me to know very little of the matter.
MEDLEY. Zounds, sir, would you have him a prophet as well as a politician? You see, sir, he knows what’s past, and that’s all he ought to know; ‘sblood, sir, would it be in the character of a politician to make him a conjurer? Go on, gentlemen: pray, sir, don’t interrupt their debates, for they are of great consequence.
2 POLITICIAN. These mighty preparations of the Turks are certainly designed against some place or other; now, the question is what place they are designed against? And that is a question which J. cannot answer.
3 POLITICIAN. But it behoves us to be upon our guard.
4 POLITICIAN. It does, and the reason is, because we know nothing of the matter.
2 POLITICIAN. You say right, it is easy for a man to guard against dangers which he knows of; but to guard against dangers which nobody knows of requires a very great politician.
MEDLEY. NOW, sir, I suppose you think that nobody knows any thing.
SOURWIT . Faith, sir, it appears so.
MEDLEY. Ay, sir, but there is one who knows, that little gentleman, yonder in the chair, who says nothing, knows it all.
SOURWIT . But how do you intend to convey this knowledge to the audience?
MEDLEY. Sir, they can read it in his looks; ‘sblood, sir, must not a politician be thought a wise man without his giving instances of his wisdom?
5 POLITICIAN. Hang foreign affairs, let us apply ourselves to money.
OMNES. Ay, ay, ay.
MEDLEY. Gentlemen, that over again — and be sure to snatch hastily at the money; you’re pretty politicians truly.
5 POLITICIAN. Hang foreign affairs, let us apply ourselves to money.
OMNES. Ay, ay, ay.
2 POLITICIAN. All we have to consider relating to money is how we shall get it.
3 POLITICIAN. I think we ought first to consider whether there is any to be got, which,
if there be, I do readily agree that the next question is how to come at it.
OMNES. Hum.
SOURWIT . Pray, sir, what are these gentlemen in Corsica?
MEDLEY. Why, sir, they are the ablest heads in the kingdom, and consequently the greatest men; for you may be sure all well-regulated governments, as I represent this of Corsica to be, will employ in their greatest posts men of the greatest capacity.
2 POLITICIAN. I have considered the matter, and I find it must be by a tax.
3 POLITICIAN. I thought of that, and was considering what was not taxed already.
2 POLITICIAN. Learning: suppose we put a tax upon learning.
3 POLITICIAN. Learning, it is true, is a useless commodity, but I think we had better lay it on ignorance; for learning being the property but of a very few, and those poor ones too, I am afraid we can get little among them; whereas ignorance will take in most of the great fortunes in the kingdom.
OMNES Ay, ay, ay. [Exeunt Politicians.
SOURWIT . Faith, it’s very generous in these gentlemen to tax themselves so readily.
MEDLEY. Ay, and very wise too, to prevent the people’s grumbling, and they will have it all among themselves.
SOURWIT . But what is become of the politicians?
MEDLEY. They are gone, sir, they’re gone; they have finished the business they met about, which was to agree on a tax; that being done — they are gone to raise it; and this, sir, is the full account of the whole history of Europe, as far as we know of it, comprised in one scene.
SOURWIT . The devil it is! Why, you have not mentioned one word of France, or Spain, or the Emperor.
MEDLEY. No, sir, I turn those over to the next year, by which time we may possibly know something what they are about; at present our advices are so very uncertain, I know not what to depend on; but come, sir, now you shall have a council of ladies.
SOURWIT . Does this scene lie in Corsica too?
MEDLEY. No, no, this lies in London — You know, sir, it would not have been quite so proper to have brought English politicians (of the male kind I mean) on the stage, because our politics are not quite so famous: but in female politicians, to the honour of my country-women I say it, I believe no country can excel us; come, draw the scene and discover the ladies.
PROMPTER. Sir, they are not here; one of them is practising above stairs with a dancing-master, and I can’t get her down.
MEDLEY. I’ll fetch ‘em, I warrant you. [Exit.
SOURWIT . Well, my lord, what does your lordship think of what you have seen?
LORD DAPPER. Faith, sir, I did not observe it; but it’s damned stuff, I am sure.
SOURWIT . I think so, and I hope your lordship will not encourage it. They are such men as your lordship, who must reform the age; if persons of your exquisite and refined taste will give a sanction to politer entertainments, the town will soon be ashamed at what they do now.
LORD DAPPER. Really this is a very bad house.
SOURWIT . It is not indeed so large as the others, but I think one hears better in it.
LORD DAPPER. Pox of hearing, one can’t see — one’s self I mean; here are no looking-glasses. I love Lincoln’s Inn Fields for that reason better than any house in town.
SOURWIT . Very true, my lord; but I wish your lordship would think it worth your consideration, as the morals of a people depend, as has been so often and well proved, entirely on their public diversions, it would be of great consequence that those of the sublimest kind should meet with your lordship’s and the rest of the nobility’s countenance.
LORD DAPPER. Mr. Sourwit, I am always ready to give my countenance to any thing of that kind, which might bring the best company together; for as one does not go to see the play but the company, I think that’s chiefly to be considered: and therefore I am always ready to countenance good plays.
SOURWIT . No one is a better judge what is so than your lordship.
LORD DAPPER. Not I, indeed, Mr. Sourwit — but as I am one half of the play in the Green-room talking to the actresses, and the other half in the boxes talking to the women of quality, I have an opportunity of seeing something of the play, and perhaps may be as good a judge as another.
Enter MEDLEY.
MEDLEY. My lord, the ladies cannot begin yet, if your lordship will honour me in the Green-room, there you will find it pleasanter than upon this cold stage.
LORD DAPPER. With all my heart — Come, Mr. Sourwit.
SOURWIT . I attend your lordship. [Exeunt.
PROMPTER. Thou art a sweet judge of plays, indeed! and yet it is in the power of such sparks as these to damn an honest fellow, both in his profit and reputation! [Exit.
ACT II.
SCENE I.
Enter MEDLEY, LORD DAPPER, SOURWIT , and PROMPTER.
MEDLEY. Come, draw the scene, and discover the ladies, in council; pray, my lord, sit.
[The scene draws and discovers four Ladies.
SOURWIT . What are these ladies assembled about?
MEDLEY. Affairs of great importance, as you will see — Please to begin, all of you. [The Ladies all speak together..
ALL LADIES. Was you at the opera, madam, last night?
2 LADY. Who can miss an opera while Farinello stays?
3 LADY. Sure he’s the charmingest creature.
4 LADY. He’s every thing in the world one could wish.
1 LADY. Almost every thing one could wish.
2 LADY. They say there’s a lady in the city has a child by him.
ALL LADIES. Ha, ha, ha!
1 LADY. Well, it must be charming to have a child by him.
3 LADY. Madam, I met a lady in a visit the other day with three.
ALL LADIES. All Farinello’s?
3 LADY. All Farinello’s, all in wax.
1 LADY. O Gemini! Who makes them? I’ll send and bespeak half a dozen to-morrow morning.
2 LADY. I’ll have as many as I can cram into a coach with me.
SOURWIT . Mr. Medley, sir, is this history? this must be invention.
MEDLEY. Upon my word, sir, it’s fact, and I take it to be the most extraordinary accident that has happened in the whole year, and as well worth recording. Faith, sir, let me tell you, I take it to be ominous, for if we go on to improve in luxury, effeminacy and debauchery, as we have done lately, the next age, for aught I know, may be more like the children of squeaking Italians than hardy Britons.
ALL LADIES. Don’t interrupt us, dear sir.
1 LADY. What mighty pretty company they must be.
2 LADY. Oh, the prettiest company in the world.
3 LADY. If one could but teach them to sing like their father.
4 LADY. I am afraid my husband won’t let me keep them, for he hates I should be fond of any thing but himself.
ALL LADIES. O the unreasonable creature!
1 LADY. If my husband was to make any objection to my having ‘em, I’d run away from him, and take the dear babies with me.
MEDLEY. Come, enter beau Dangle.
Enter DANGLE.
DANGLE. Fie upon it, Ladies, what are you doing here? Why are not you at the auction? Mr. Hen has been in the pulpit this half hour.
1 LADY. Oh, dear Mr. Hen, I ask his pardon, I never miss him.
2 LADY. What’s to be sold to-day?
1 LADY. Oh, I never mind that; there will be all the world there.
DANGLE. You’ll find it almost impossible to get in.
ALL LADIES. Oh! I shall be quite miserable if I don’t get in.
DANGLE. Then you must not lose a moment.
ALL LADIES. O! not a moment for the world.
[Exeunt Ladies.
MEDLEY. There, they are gone.
SOURWIT . I am glad on’t with all my heart.
LORD DAPPER. Upon my word, Mr. Medley, that last is an exceeding good scene, and full of a great deal of politeness, good sense, and philosophy.
MEDLEY. It’s nature, my lord, it’s nature.
SOURWIT . Faith, sir, the ladies are much obliged to you.
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MEDLEY. Faith, sir, it’s more than I desire such ladies, as I represent here, should be; as for the nobler part of the sex, for whom I have the greatest honour, their characters can be no better set off, than by ridiculing that light, trifling, giddy-headed crew, who are a scandal to their own sex, and a curse on ours.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 342