HEARTFORT. Madam, as you have often told me the contrary, I think you should give some reason why you will not have me.
CHARLOTTE. I tell you a reason — I hate you.
HEARTFORT. I might expect a better reason for that hate than the violence of my love.
CHARLOTTE. Oh! the best reason in the world. I hate every thing that is ridiculous, and there is nothing so ridiculous as a real lover.
HEARTFORT. Methinks, gratitude might produce the highest affection.
CHARLOTTE. Your humble servant, sweet sir — Gratitude! — that implies an obligation; but how am I obliged to you for loving me? I did not ask you to love me — did I? — I can’t help your loving me; and if one was to have every one that loves one, one must have the whole town.
HEARTFORT. Can my torments make you merry, madam?
CHARLOTTE. Oh! no, certainly; for you must know, I am extravagantly good-natured; nor can you yourself say, that I have not begged you to got off the rack: but you would have me take you off in my arms, like an odious ridiculous creature as you are.
HEARTFORT. Give me my reason again; untie me from the magic knot you have bound me in; for, whilst you hold me fast within your chains, ‘tis barbarous to bid me take my freedom.
CHARLOTTE. Chains! — sure being in love is something like being in the galleys; and a lover, like other slaves, is the subject of no other passion but pity: Nay, they are even more contemptible — they are more insects. One gives being to thousands with a smile, and takes it away again with a frown. A celebrated physician might as well grieve at the death of every patient as a celebrated toast at the death of every lover: and then it would be impossible for either of them ever to have dry eyes.
HEARTFORT. Come, come, madam; the world are not at all so deaf to reason as I am. There are those who can see your faults, though I can’t — can weigh affectation against beauty, and ill-nature against wit.
CHARLOTTE. They are inseparable. No one has beauty without affectation, nor wit without ill-nature. But lovers, you know, only see perfections. All things look white to love, as they do yellow to the jaundice.
HEARTFORT. This cool insensibility is worse than rage.
CHARLOTTE. It would be cruel indeed to add to the fire. I would extinguish your passion, sir, since this is the last time it can blaze in public without prejudice to my reputation.
HEARTFORT. Sure you can’t resolve to marry a fool?
CHARLOTTE. I can resolve to be dutiful to a parent, and run any risk rather than that of my fortune. In short, Mr. Heartfort, could you have prevailed with my father, you might have prevailed with me. I liked you well enough to have obeyed my father, but not to disobey him.
HEARTFORT. Was that the affection you had for a man who would have sacrificed himself and the whole world to you?
SCENE IX.
CLARINDA, CHARLOTTE, HEARTFORT.
CLARINDA. Fie! Charlotte, how can you use him so barbarously? Poor Heartfort! I protest I pity you sincerely.
CHARLOTTE. Indeed, Clarinda, for I shall never call you mother I am come to an age wherein I shall not follow your advice in disposing of myself: nor am I more forward to ask your opinion, than you was to ask mine when you married my father.
CLARINDA. My dear Charlotte, you shall never have more cause to repent my marriage than I believe you would have to repent your own with this gentleman.
HEARTFORT. My life, madam, is a poor sacrifice to such goodness.
CHARLOTTE. Dear creature! if the old gentleman your husband was here, you would make him jealous on his wedding-day. — Besides, it is barbarous in you to blame me, for he hath taken a resolution to give me to Mr. Mutable; and you know, or you will know before you have been married to him long, that when once he hath resolved on any thing, it is impossible to alter him.
SCENE X.
MR. STEDFAST, HEARTFORT, CLARINDA.
MR. STEDFAST. Heyday! What’s here to do? I thought I had forbidden you my house. Am I not master of my own house?
HEARTFORT. No, sir, nor ever will while you have two such fine ladies in it.
MR. STEDFAST. Sir, if I had two empresses in it, my word should be a law. — And I can tell you, sir, I will have blunderbusses in it, and constables too, if I see you in it any more.
CLARINDA. Nay, pray, my dear, do not try to shock him more; Charlotte hath used him ill enough already.
MR. STEDFAST. Harkye, madam, my dear, I must give you a piece of advice on our wedding-day — Never offer to interrupt me, nor presume to give your opinion in any thing till asked — If nature hath made any thing in vain, it is the tongue of woman. Women were designed to be seen, and not heard; they were formed only to please our eyes.
CHARLOTTE. You will be singularly happy, my dear, with a husband who marries to please no sense but his eyes.
CLARINDA. I do not doubt being as happy with him as I desire.
MR. STEDFAST. This is another thing I must warn you of — never to whisper in my presence. — Whispering no one uses but with an ill design. I made a resolution against whispering at sixteen, and have never whispered since.
HEARTFORT. Yes, sir, and if you had made a resolution to hang yourself, others would have been equally obliged to follow the example.
MR. STEDFAST. I wish you would resolve to go out of my doors, sir; or I shall take a resolution which may not please you. Madam, if you have not given this gentleman a final discharge already, do it now.
CHARLOTTE. You hear, sir, what my father says, therefore I desire you would immediately leave us, and not think of returning again.
HEARTFORT. Not certain death should deter me from obeying your commands; nor would that sentence, pronounced from any other lips, give me as much pain, as this banishment from yours. [Exit.
SCENE XI.
MR. STEDFAST, CLARINDA, CHARLOTTE.
CLARINDA. Go thy ways for a pretty fellow.
MR. STEDFAST. Go thy ways, for an hypocrite. We shall have that fellow turn rake at forty. The seeds of raking are in him, and one time or other they will break out. Rakery is a disease in the blood, which every man is born with: and the sooner it shows itself the better.
CHARLOTTE. But I hope, sir, since I have complied with your commands in despatching one lover, you will comply with my desires in delaying my alliance with another.
MR. STEDFAST. AS for that, you may be very easy; so you are married to-day, I care not what hour.
CHARLOTTE. Why to-day sir?
MR. STEDFAST. Because I have resolved it, madam.
CHARLOTTE. One day sure would make no difference.
MR. STEDFAST. Madam, I have said it.
CLARINDA. Let me intercede for so short a reprieve.
MR. STEDFAST. I am fixed.
CHARLOTTE. Consider, my whole happiness is at stake.
MR. STEDFAST. If the happiness of the world was at stake, I would not alter my resolution. [Servant enters.
SERVANT. Sir, Mr. Mutable is below.
MR. STEDFAST. Show him up. Go you two in. — Daughter, be sure and make yourself ready. I have not yet resolved the hour of marrying you, but it shall be this afternoon; for I am determined to keep both our wedding suppers together.
SCENE XII.
MR. STEDFAST, MR. MUTABLE.
MR. STEDFAST. Mr. Mutable, your servant. Odso! where’s the bridegroom? — He is a little too backward for a young fellow: the bride has reason to take it amiss.
MR. MUTABLE. Nay, Mr. Stedfast, if she or you take any thing amiss, we cannot help that.
MR. STEDFAST. Pugh! I was in jest with thee: She shall take nothing amiss, for I am resolved on the match.
MR. MUTABLE. Truly, I am sorry for it.
MR. STEDFAST. Ha! sorry — for what?
MR. MUTABLE. Since it must be known, what signifies hesitation? — My son is pre-engaged, sir.
MR. STEDFAST. How, sir, pre-engaged!
MR. MUTABLE. Yes, sir, to a young lady of beauty and fortune — and, what is more, a lady of quality. I assure you, sir, I did not know one word
of it when our bargain was made; which I am sorry for, and heartily ask your pardon.
MR. STEDFAST. And is this the manner you treat me in, after I have refused such offers for your son’s sake?
MR. MUTABLE. The match was none of my own choice; but if quality will drop into one’s lap —
MR. STEDFAST. Ay, quality may drop into your lap or your pocket either, and not make them one bit the heavier — And pray, who is this great lady of quality?
MR. MUTABLE. I know nothing more of her than that she is a lord’s sister.
MR. STEDFAST. Hath she no name, then?
MR. MUTABLE. Yes, sir, I suppose she hath a name, though I don’t know it.
MR. STEDFAST. And pray, sir, what’s her fortune?
MR. MUTABLE. I don’t know that either.
MR. STEDFAST. Your very humble servant, sir — I honour your profundity: If the lady’s quality be equal to your wisdom, Goatham and Fleet Street will be in strict alliance — sir, I admire your son; for though it is probable he may get nothing by the bargain, I find he has sense enough to outwit his father; and he may laugh at you, while all the world laughs at him.
MR. MUTABLE. What do you mean, sir?
MR. STEDFAST. Stay, till your daughter be brought home, she will explain my meaning, I warrant you — she will bring you both extremes, my life on’t — Quality in the kennel, and fortune in the air.
MR. MUTABLE. Hum! if it should prove so — sir, the match is not completed.
MR. STEDFAST. No, sir; you are very capable of breaking it off, we see — [Servant enters.
SERVANT. Sir, the lawyer is come with the writings.
MR. STEADFAST. He may cancel them if he pleases, and hang himself when he has done.
MR. MUTABLE. Stay, sir, I am not determined in this affair —
MR. STEDFAST. Nor in any, I am sure — but I am; and you must give up your pretensions one way or other this moment.
MR. MUTABLE. Then I stand by the securest — So desire the lawyer to walk in — I hope you will forgive me, Mr. Stedfast, what’s past.
MR. STEDFAST. Ay, sir, more for my own sake than yours; for had I not resolved on the match, I might have taken other measures.
SCENE XIII.
MR. MUTABLE, MR. STEDFAST, PRIG.
MR. MUTABLE. Come, sir, I am ready to sign articles.
MR. STEDFAST. Where’s Squeezepurse, your master?
PRIG. Sir, my master is busy, he could not wait on you, bu£ I can do it as well.
MR. STEDFAST. Sir, I am the best judge of that — I have resolved never to sign any thing without your master.
PRIG. It is the very same thing, I assure you — The writings are fully drawn, and any witness may do as well as my master.
MR. STEDFAST. Your master is a negligent puppy, and uses me doubly ill — first, in staying away, and then in sending such an impertinent coxcomb to dispute with me.
MR. MUTABLE. I believe, Mr. Stedfast, we may do it.
MR. STEDFAST. Excuse me, sir, I shall not alter my resolves — Therefore go to your master and tell him to come to me immediately; for I will not sign without him, that I am resolved.
MR. MUTABLE. In the meanwhile, I’ll step just by, and call my son, that we may meet with no further interruption.
[Servant enters.
SERVANT. Sir, the tailor hath sent word, that he cannot finish the new liveries till to-morrow morning.
MR. STEDFAST. Then, sir, go and give my humble service to the tailor, and tell him to send them half done or undone; for I am resolved to have them put on to-day, though they are thrown like blankets over their shoulders, and my equipage should look like the retinue of a Morocco ambassador.
ACT III.
SCENE I.
The Street.
HEARTFORT, MILLAMOUR, YOUNG MUTABLE.
HEARTFORT. Though I fear my fortune desperate, yet is my obligation infinite to you, my dear Millamour, for this trouble.
YOUNG MUTABLE. And to me too. Agad, I have run the hazard of being disinherited on your account — As for the wife, the loss is not great; but I have a real value for the estate.
MILLAMOUR. Come, faith, Heartfort, thou must confess thyself obliged to him: he hath done what is in his power —
HEARTFORT. I thank him — And, in return, Mutable, let me give you a piece of advice. Leave off that ridiculous quality of pretending an acquaintance with men of fashion whom thou hast never seen, for two reasons: First, no one believes you; nor, if you were believed, would any one esteem you for it; because all the prizefighters, jockeys, gamesters, pimps, and buffoons in England have the same honour —
YOUNG MUTABLE. Ha, ha, ha! this is very merry, very facetious, faith — Agad, Millamour, if I did not know that Heartfort keeps the best company, I should think him envious.
MILLAMOUR. I rather think his ambition lies quite the opposite way; for I have seen him walking at high Mall with a fellow in a dirty shirt, and a wig unpowdered.
YOUNG MUTABLE. Auh! what a couple of distinguishing qualifications he chose to appear in the Mall with! —
HEARTFORT. And the man he means happens to have qualifications very seldom seen in the Mall or any where else —
YOUNG MUTABLE. Ay, pr’ythee what are these?
HEARTFORT. Virtue, and good sense.
YOUNG MUTABLE. Ha, ha, ha! virtue and good sense; no powder and dirty linen — Four fine accomplishments for an old philosopher to live upon —
MILLAMOUR. Ay, or for a modern philosopher to starve with — But, mum — Bemember who I am.
SCENE II.
MR. MUTABLE, YOUNG MUTABLE, HEARTFORT, MILLAMOUR.
MILLAMOUR. So, sir, you are expeditious; and now, if you please, I am ready to wait upon you —
MR. MUTABLE. I am unwilling to give your lordship any further trouble; for I find, my lord, that matters are too far gone to be broke off now — So I thank your lordship for the honour you intended me. But the boy must be married to his former mistress —
HEARTFORT. Ha! — [Aside
MILLAMOUR. What’s this, sir?
MR. MUTABLE. In short, my lord, I have as great an honour for quality as any man; but there are things to be considered — Quality is a fine thing, my lord, but it does not pay debts.
YOUNG MUTABLE. Faith, you are mistaken there, father, for it does.
MILLAMOUR. I little thought this consideration would have exposed my sister to an affront — You are the last commoner I shall offer her to, I assure you — Perhaps you may repent this refusal —
YOUNG MUTABLE. Dear sir, consider — Your son’s happiness, grandeur, fortune, all are at stake.
MILLAMOUR. Now the affair is over, sir, I shall tell you, that my sister was not only secure of a fortune much larger than Mr. Stedfast’s daughter; but, as I have resolved against marriage, my fortune and title too must have descended to your son.
MR. MUTABLE. Hey! — And should I have seen my Jacky a lord? — Should I have had a lord ask me blessing? — And a set of young lords and ladies my grand grandchildren? Should this old crab-tree stock have seen such noble grafted fruit spreading on its branches? — O my good dear lord, I ask pardon on my knees — Forgive the foolish caution of a fearful old man.
MILLAMOUR. My honour, my honour forbids —
MR. MUTABLE. O dear, sweet, good my lord. Let pity melt your honour to forgiveness.
HEARTFORT. Let me intercede, sir.
MR. MUTABLE. If your honour must have a sacrifice, let my fault be paid by my punishment. Tread upon my neck, my lord. Do any thing to me. But do not let me bar my son’s way to happiness.
MILLAMOUR. The strictest honour is not required to be inexorable. I shall content myself therefore with inflicting on you a moderate punishment. Whereas I intended to pay the fortune down before marriage, I now will do it afterwards.
MR. MUTABLE. Whenever your lordship pleases. I will give one thorough rebuff to Mr. Stedfast, and return instantly. — Jacky, stay, stay you here, and expect me, to conduct me to his lordship. My lord, I am your lordship’s
most obedient humble servant. [Exit.
MILLAMOUR. This succeeds to our wish. I think I’ll e’en play the parson myself, and marry you in jest. Young Mutable. But I shall not play the husband, I thank you.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 357