by KB Alan
For just a second, he wondered if Alec had screwed up today’s date on purpose, to force a one-on-one meeting like this. But Alec’s casual relationship with the calendar was well known, and his friend was too good a Dom to play games like this with his friend, let alone someone he considered family.
They chatted easily about gas and flames and charcoal as she familiarized herself with the grill. She didn’t need his help, but would look up at him to confirm what she said when she wasn’t as sure as she sounded. He liked that. A lot. It was ridiculous, it wasn’t like it took a great deal of intellect to master the art of barbecuing, but it was very close to her looking to him for approval…and he liked it.
“Sorry about the dirt,” he said when the lid was down and they only needed to wait for the grill to do its job. “I was swinging by here on my way home, so I’m still in work clothes.” His hands were clean, but his boots were muddy and his jeans weren’t much better. He’d have to check the tile floor inside to make sure he hadn’t made a mess.
She waived his apology away with the tongs. “You work at a garden center, right?”
“That’s right. Now that I’m the manager, I don’t always get into the dirt, but I still enjoy it and tend to make that my Friday activity.”
“I have such a brown thumb. I have two plants I’ve managed not to kill over the years, and I just concentrate on keeping them alive and don’t push my luck.”
She opened the grill a little earlier than she needed to by his estimation, stuck the thermometer into a steak, frowned, and put the lid back down.
“It’s something you can learn if you want to, we’re always happy to help educate. But it certainly doesn’t need to be everyone’s passion.”
“I figure if I ever manage to buy a house with a yard, I’ll worry about it then. Of course, I might be eighty at that point, unless I decide to leave Boston.”
He laughed. “No kidding. If I hadn’t been able to use the money my parents saved for me for college as a down payment, I’d still be in an apartment, and have to take over this space to get my fix. Luckily, they didn’t mind me using it for the house instead of a degree.”
“I bet you have a great yard.”
“I absolutely do.”
She gave him a huge smile and moved to check the steaks again, just as he was about to suggest she do so.
Missy P came out to join them after finishing her dinner, twining around their legs until Noah picked her up.
“Sonya told me she was fine to come out into the yard, but it makes me nervous.”
“In my experience, she likes being queen of her little world and has zero interest or curiosity about the rest of it.” The hairy white beast had flopped into his arms like a jellyfish and was purring up a storm.
“That’s good.”
The timer for the oven beeped, so she put the tongs down and went inside to retrieve the roasted broccoli. Soon the steaks were done and they were cutting into their first bites. He waited, watching as she closed her eyes and savored the meat.
When she’d swallowed, she opened her eyes and beamed at him in triumph. “Damn, that’s good!”
He laughed and tried his own bite. Delicious.
They ate in silence for a bit, the crispy veggie a perfect companion to the juicy meat. When she’d consumed most of her glass of wine, he decided it was time.
“Let me ask you a question.”
The instant scowl on her face suggested that he was right in thinking the rope comment hadn’t been purely innocent.
He laughed. “That tells me a lot, right there.”
Her mouth opened into an O that had his dick twitching. “How…? What?”
“It tells me you’ve been wondering if I was going to ask, or let it go, and you wouldn’t be wondering that if it had just been a random remark.”
She tried to pull of an air of innocence. “I don’t know what you mean.”
He stopped smiling at that, and let his full Dom self bleed into his words. “Please don’t do that. Tell me you won’t discuss it, or tell me to mind my own business, but don’t lie to me.”
She flushed scarlet and dropped her eyes to the table. He waited, watched as she took in a deep breath, and squared her shoulders. She lifted her gaze to his. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I know what you meant. I know what the rope is for. But I’m not involved in that kind of thing, obviously, so it was easier to pretend I was clueless. Stupid, though. I’m sorry.”
He waited only a second before nodding and smiling. “Do you want to talk about it?”
She went back to her meal. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Okay. Tell me about how you ended up in Boston. It sounds like you plan on staying, even though you might be eighty before you can buy a house?”
Her shoulders relaxed, and she took a sip of her wine. “I grew up in Atlanta, and when I graduated college, the insurance company I was interning for had a position available here. It’s a nationwide company, so I could definitely transfer somewhere with lower cost of living, but I like being here. I like my office, my friends, the Webers and Crawfords.”
“No friends and family in Atlanta calling you back?”
“My mom and grandparents are there, and I want to visit them more, but I don’t need to live there. I’ve finally gotten them hooked on video calls.”
“And you like your job?”
She smiled. “I do. I mean, it’s certainly not a passion kind of thing, like you probably have, and I know everyone loves to hate on the insurance industry, for good cause. But I feel like I’m able to help people navigate their way through it, and crazy as it sounds, I enjoy the admin side of things. If I do x, y, and z, I can expect result a, b, or c. If I feel like I need to push for a certain result, I know the steps to take for that. And, best of all, at the end of the day, the job is done. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it once I’ve clocked out.”
“And then what do you do? For fun?” He hadn’t meant it to be a leading question. He’d been hoping she’d circle back around to their earlier conversation on her own. If she didn’t, well, then she obviously wasn’t ready for that. If she did, he was definitely interested in what she had to say. But her expression now showed she had been thinking about it, and had applied it to his question.
He held up a hand. “I just meant how do you spend your time? Hobbies?”
She sighed. “I knit. A lot. And I sell some of what I knit.”
“Okay, yeah. I remember Sonya being excited to see the baby blanket you made. Why do you sound mad about it?”
“I’m not. I’m annoyed with myself. I mean, we’re adults, right? We can talk about things…like this…without—”
She broke off when he started to laugh, and glared at him.
“Apparently not, since you can’t even say the words. What are you trying for, sweetheart? I’ll help. Is it sex you want to be able to talk about without saying it? BDSM?”
She pouted, which wasn’t something he normally found attractive, but suddenly found adorable. Especially when she started nibbling on her lower lip.
Having finished her meal, she shoved the plate aside and buried her head in her arms on the table. “I’m so embarrassed.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased. Although, I’m still confused how asking about knitting turned into a conversation that may, or may not, be about sex and BDSM.”
She rolled her head back and forth. “It’s not you. I’m twenty-seven freaking years old.”
“Well, to be fair, we don’t really know each other very well. Would you have reacted this way if it was Alec asking you about this?”
With a deep sigh, she raised her head. “Probably worse. He’s kind of like a brother to me.”
“You don’t have to talk about it now, although if you leave me in suspense about how knitting and sex go together in your head, I might hate you a little bit.”
She laughed at that, and leaned back. He was relieved. He was trying very hard to achieve
a balance between encouraging her to talk with a bit of teasing, and not making her uncomfortable, which he absolutely did not want to do. Well, not too much, anyway. But his curiosity was definitely piqued. Both as a man who found her very attractive, and as a Dom who worried she had some past trauma she needed to deal with.
“You don’t have to look so worried,” she told him. “It’s not anything bad, I’m just not used to talking about it.”
“Glad to hear it.” And surprised that she’d read him that well.
“I experimented a bit in college. My roommate and I went to a club, met some Doms, had fun for a while, but then it turned out that I wasn’t really good at the whole submissive thing, and so I stopped.”
She probably didn’t realize she was hiding when she took the glass and sipped slowly at it, peeking at him from over the rim. But he knew. And it wasn’t that she was uncomfortable with the sex talk, not really. He was pretty sure that it was the fact there was a lot more to the story than she’d admitted.
“Fair enough. It’s not for everyone. But I’m glad nothing bad happened?” He made the last part just a bit of a question.
“Yeah. I mean, not really. I just realized that what a Dom expected of me, and what I expected of me—and him—were not great matches.”
He cocked his head, trying to appear curious, as opposed to letting her see the protective instinct to attack someone who had hurt her that was trying to burst free. “If it wasn’t a big deal, will you tell me? I’m always curious to know how people fit—or don’t— into the lifestyle.”
The sun had gone down and the outdoor lights that Alec had set to timers came on, bathing her in a warm glow. He normally would have refilled her glass, which she was still holding even though it was empty, but he didn’t want alcohol to be the reason she trusted him with her story.
“I’ll take the dishes in,” he suggested, giving her time to decide. He stacked their plates and held his hand out for her glass.
She handed it to him, then wrapped her arms around herself, though the air was still quite warm.
Oh yeah, he was going to get this story out of her, that was no longer a question. He motioned her over to the outdoor sofa. “Get comfortable, Nat. I’ll handle these.”
Natalie was thinking so hard, she barely acknowledged that Noah had taken the dishes into the house. She did as he’d suggested, heading over to the comfortable seating area her friends had set up. Now that she knew—or at least, strongly suspected—that Noah, like Alec, was into BDSM, she could stop thinking of him as a potential guy she might hook up with, and relax with him.
Maybe tell him about what had happened, get an outsider’s opinion on the events. It would be interesting to know what he thought. While she was firm in the knowledge that she wasn’t made for that lifestyle, she’d also come to strongly suspect that David had acted like an asshole. It would be nice to know that wasn’t just her being embarrassed over failing.
But, if that was true…then where did that leave her? She’d stopped reading those books. Her favorite books. Because it had been too confusing to try to separate the fantasy of the books to what her reality had been. She knew she didn’t want to go there again, so really, reading them now shouldn’t be any different than reading a good vampire romance, right?
So, okay then. This was her chance to get over the experience, finally, and really move forward. It wasn’t as though she’d been in stasis for five years, but she could admit that she hadn’t really given most of the guys she’d dated a real shot. Partly because she hadn’t been interested in them enough to try, but that was her fault, as well. She’d avoided anyone she thought might have D/s tendencies, even the slightest bit.
Noah came back, shutting the door now that the bugs were out. He’d changed into basketball shorts and taken his muddy boots off. He had a fireplace lighter with him, using it to light the bug candles on the little coffee table in front of her. She’d curled up on one end of the outdoor sofa, Missy P sprawled across her lap, tail swishing back and forth.
He sat down on the other end of the sofa, turned toward her, elbows braced on his knees, and gave her a very serious look that made her glad she’d decided he was off her potential guys list. “So. How about those Red Sox?”
It took her a whole second to realize what he’d said, and then she burst out laughing. His grin was quick and did things to her nether regions that it shouldn’t, considering she’d safely locked him away into the friend zone.
“It’s okay. I’ve worked my way around to being interested in an outsider’s perspective on what happened. Or, an insider’s perspective. Whatever. You know what I mean.”
“Absolutely. Someone who wasn’t involved, but has the necessary history and background to judge what happened.”
“Right.” She bit her lip. “But, I mean, we’ve danced around it a bit. Do you have the history and background?”
“Smart girl, well done.” He nodded. “Yes, I’ve been active in the BDSM scene for ten years. I frequently take on monitoring and mentoring duties at Apex, the club I use here in town. You would be very smart to confirm all that, and look into the club, its reputation, and my reputation, if we were playing. I’m glad you asked. Even a personal recommendation from someone like Alec or Sonya wouldn’t be enough for you, because you don’t know their play style.”
She let out a breath. “Okay. So, you know, I’ve already come to terms with the fact that I didn’t handle things well, which is why I know I’m not designed for that kind of play, or lifestyle, so you don’t have to worry about telling me. But it’s kind of a long story. If you can let me get the whole thing out before you judge…” She wasn’t sure how to finish that.
“I shouldn’t have said judge,” he said, sounding careful. “I’ll give you my opinion on your story, but it’s not about judging you. And yes, I’ll let you get the whole thing out.”
Great, now she had him handling her with kid gloves. While she didn’t really know him, she was confident he wasn’t an asshole. And she could take it. She wanted to know what he thought, now that she’d worked herself up to it.
“Okay. So, my roommate in college was Felicity. She and I became best friends in sophomore year and moved into an apartment off campus for junior and senior years. We’re both big readers, and we got into these BDSM romance books.”
“You said it!”
She laughed, enjoying his attempt to relax her. “Yeah, fine. I can say BDSM. And sex.”
“Good girl.”
She tried to pretend the shiver was due to the evening air cooling down, but she wasn’t that good of a liar, even to herself. Swallowing, she forced her attention to the story, and not the guy sitting only one seat cushion away.
“Right, so we started talking about these books, and wondering how much was real and how much was just romance novel fantasy. And then she searched online and we joined a forum. We did a lot of reading and wondering, then we worked up the nerve go to an open-house event at a club. We’d checked it out as best we could and felt it was safe.”
She glanced at him, and he nodded, but didn’t say anything.
“We met a guy named Michael, and he and Felicity hit it off pretty well. He said he really wanted to introduce me to his friend David. One thing led to another, and pretty soon the two of them were together, and David and I were together. They were aware we were new to the whole scene, so they took us out on dates, but also eased us into the sub thing.”
She paused when Missy P stood and stretched, then made her way from Natalie’s lap to Noah’s. Couldn’t blame the cat, she decided.
“We were together for six months, went to the club several times, David and I scened together at his apartment a couple of times.”
“You felt good about it? Comfortable?”
She hesitated, trying to recall her feelings at that stage. “Yes and no. I’d had a two-year relationship in high school, and dated a few times in college, but nothing serious. Looking back, I was having a hard time deciding if
I liked David the guy I was dating, or Master D, and the reconciliation between the two. Plus the things we were doing were all so new and exciting, but it was also kind of embarrassing to call a guy ‘Master D’ and ‘Sir.’ It might just be knowing now what I didn’t know then, but it was like I wasn’t quite getting what I wanted from either of them, but combined, it was enough to make me think it was working.”
“That makes sense.”
“Does it? I’ve really never deconstructed this whole thing, to be honest. It all ended right before finals, so I threw myself into that and graduating, getting the job, moving to a whole new state, a whole new way of life in the north, and just…never really fully processed.”
He nodded. “It does.”
“Okay. So, we’d been together six months. I came home from my internship one day and Felicity was crying. She said that she was super stressed about finals and sure she was going to fail and her parents wouldn’t pay for another year of college, or support her, and she would have to break up with Michael, and on and on. Honestly, I thought it was pretty weird because she was a fine student and hadn’t had any concerns about her grades, as far as I’d known, all year. She bitched about assignments or teachers now and then, but nothing like this. She had her head buried in her hands and was just sobbing—and then she told me she wanted to kill herself and just be done with it.”
She’d forced that last bit out in one long sentence and now needed a breath. Her stomach had knotted up as she remembered the scene in their apartment all those years ago. A glance at Noah found that he was watching her patiently, no reaction to what she’d said.
Taking another breath, she focused her eyes on the candle and tried to tell the story as factually as she could. She wanted his real opinion, not something colored by her emotions.
“I put my arms around her and promised her she’d be fine, that everything would be fine. That I was positive she wouldn’t fail anything, but even if she did, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, her parents weren’t going to stop loving her. All of that until she stopped crying. I said maybe we should go to the hospital and talk to a doctor. She shook it off, said she was fine, that I’d made her feel better. I told her we could go to the counseling center on campus in the morning, but she brushed me off and started making dinner…like nothing had happened.”