by KB Alan
And damnit, why did that have tears leaking out of her eyes and her throat closing up? “I’m fine,” she choked out, though it took a couple of tries, making her a liar.
“Yes, you are. You will be. We talked about what sub drop could be like, but it’s different for every person, and impossible to understand until you experience it. You were doing good this morning and after your shower. Maybe leaving the cabin this morning was a mistake. We could have had breakfast there. I’m sorry.”
Gah, how could he think this was his fault? “No, no, it wasn’t that. I just, when we were driving I started thinking about how great last night was, and how surprising it was that I liked it like that and wondering if I would eventually like more pain, which seemed scary, and then I––” She broke off. She didn’t want to tell him what she’d been thinking, but he sat there patiently, not rushing her, and communication was so important in BDSM, and she knew that and believed that but fuck she still didn’t want to continue.
“You what? Can you tell me?”
His voice was so calm and patient that she started speaking again before her brain could remind her that she didn’t want to admit these things out loud. “I started wondering if you were so happy because we’d finally done something you liked and you would want more of that, harder than that, which was scary, even though I knew you wouldn’t push me to do anything I didn’t want to do, but maybe I would want to do it even though I don’t want to do it, and then I remembered it doesn’t matter, because the weekend is almost over and you would be done and anyway, I don’t want more pain than what we did last night.”
She had to pull in a deep breath at that point because she’d run out of air. She closed her eyes to try to hide, but he held her chin and silently encouraged her to look at him, so she sighed and did so.
His warm expression and calm care almost had her crying a-fucking-gain but she swallowed it down.
“Thank you, baby. I know that wasn’t easy to say, and I’m so proud of you. First, in case it matters, everything you said and felt is totally normal. That doesn’t make it easier to feel, but hopefully it’s one less thing for you to worry about. Why don’t we sit down?”
She finally took in their environment. He’d brought them to a small park. She could see the bustling sidewalk and busy shops on one side, and some lovely homes on the other. A scattering of people were enjoying the park, as well, but not many yet. A man and young boy were throwing a Frisbee, a couple were walking two little dogs, and some kids were chasing a soccer ball, but he’d found them a spot of shade away from the action and prying eyes.
They sat down, and he pulled her into his lap immediately. She snuggled in. “I’m sorry.”
“That’s your last freebie, I’ll punish you if you apologize again,” he said, with no heat in his voice.
“That’s not fair. I’m not wearing your collar.”
“Some things transcend collar time.”
“Hmph.”
“Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Second, what we did last night was amazing. It was what was right for you, and me, at that time. Who knows what will be right in five years? Maybe exactly the same thing, maybe something totally different. Traditionally, the crop isn’t even my favorite tool, but after last night, with you, it sure as hell holds a higher ranking for me.”
He reached up and smoothed the skin between her eyebrows. He seemed to like doing that. She relaxed her frown. “Okay.”
“Third, what you and I have had this weekend has been pretty incredible, to me. I’m not sure now is the right time to say this, when you’ve had such an emotional morning and are super vulnerable, but it feels like a lie not to say it.”
She felt her body brace.
“I’m hopeful that when we finish our original terms, we can negotiate something new. I would like to see you again. And not just for play.”
Well, that wasn’t the blow she’d been braced for. She smiled up at him. “I would really, really like that.”
“But, I’m worried that your emotions about being with a Dom who treats you well and gives you a lot of pleasure will get caught up with your heart. I agreed to be your mentor, and that’s a position of responsibility that I take seriously, and I’m afraid of abusing that gift you’ve given me when you’re in a vulnerable place.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “So…because it’s been so great we can’t continue? If it hadn’t been so great, I might not be so emotional, and then it would be okay to take it to the next step?” There might have been a bite to her words.
“No, but we need to be careful. Communicate, negotiate, be honest. I want to ask you out, and take you to the club. We just have to—”
“So,” she interrupted. “You want us to see each other so that you can prove to me that you’re not an abusive ass, and I can prove to you that I’m not a naive nitwit.” She didn’t make it a question.
“Uh, well, when you put it like that, it sounds fairly asinine.”
“How about we just keep seeing each other, keep negotiating scenes to make sure that we’re both getting what we want and need out of them, and we keep communicating about where we are with each other? And if things change for either of us, we walk away friends.”
He kissed her, long and hard. She lost herself in it and didn’t want to stop when he pulled back. “You’re very smart. I really fucking like that about you.”
The last of her fears and anxieties melted away. “Well, to be totally fair, I didn’t want to say any of that at the start, so then we wouldn’t have gotten to the good stuff at the end, so thank you for helping me do that. Helping me this morning.”
“Since I plan on taking half of the responsibility for how great last night was, I’ll take half the responsibility for the crash this morning.”
She laughed. “Fair enough, although I’m not sure either was really a fifty-fifty split.”
“Close enough for me.”
Chapter Sixteen
Noah tried not to be too obvious that he was keeping a close eye on Natalie as they stopped at a different restaurant for breakfast, made a quick stop at the store to beef up the supplies for the cabin, and returned home. He prided himself on his awareness of his subs, and though he knew he wasn’t infallible, it still bothered him that she’d been dropping and he hadn’t even noticed. He’d thought she was quiet because it was the first time they were going out in public in days and it could be a bit of a culture shock after the intensity of their cabin experience.
It was the reason he’d wanted to do it, actually, rather than drop her off at home on Monday and expect that she’d feel “normal” again. He forced himself to shrug off the guilt and focus on the right things. She was in a good place now, she wanted more, and, as Alec had put it, they were definitely on the same page about being together past the weekend.
For now, he wanted her to know he was there, but not feel like he was hovering, waiting for her to have a breakdown. It wasn’t fun, but it was normal, and not a breakdown, though he suspected she felt that way.
When they got back to the cabin, he pulled the canoe out of the shed and dug out the oars. They paddled together, having no trouble syncing their strokes. He took them around the entire perimeter of the pond, pausing to point out some fun things along the way. She told him about her experience white water rafting in college with Felicity, and he remembered that she hadn’t just lost her boyfriend and Dom, but her best friend of several years.
They made BLTs for lunch and he watched her go from easy calm to excited expectation. She’d asked if they could still play today, and he’d assured her that he had plans for her for after lunch. Now, as they cleaned up from the meal, he could see that her excitement was tinged with nerves, but that had always been the case for her.
He hoped the scene he had planned for this afternoon would be light and fun for her, but not too boring. When they finished cleaning, she hung up the drying towel and turned to him.
“Are you ready?” he asked, though it was more than cle
ar that she was.
“Yes, Sir.”
“All right. Get undressed and wait for me by the door. Close your eyes once you’re in position.”
He retrieved the supply bag he’d saved for today from the bedroom, along with her collar. When she was in position, eyes closed, he waited and watched. Unlike the first day, she took several deep breaths, and then seemed to settle into the wait with quiet patience. He gave it five minutes, but she didn’t fidget, even though she was on the hardwood floor.
He shucked his shoes and shirt, but made enough noise that she would hear him coming. Buckling her collar on first, he loved the way her chin lifted, giving him easy access to making her his. He was glad he’d gone out and gotten the collar for her, in her favorite color. Originally he’d planned to give it to her so she could use it as a play collar if she wanted, but now he thought he’d rather keep it in his own possession. And get matching ankle and wrist cuffs.
But that was for the future, and for now, he had plans that involved some different accessories.
“Keep your eyes closed,” he reminded her and brought the lace hood over her face, being very careful as he cinched the ties in back to not snag her hair. He smoothed the lace into place over her face, making sure it wasn’t bunched or pinching along the eye holes or where the edge lay across her cheekbones.
Satisfied, he put her wrist cuffs on, then ordered her to her hands and knees and added the ankle cuffs. He wasn’t going to attach her to anything, so he took the clips off.
“Bend over now, cheek on your hands, butt in the air,” he told her, pulling the lube from his bag. He ran his hand over her back, butt and thighs, giving gentle attention to the few dark spots that remained from last night’s fun. When he flicked the cap on the lube open, she gave a very tiny little butt wiggle in anticipation.
He worked one finger in, then two, before easing the new butt plug in. He wiggled it in and out and around a bit, so she could get used to the feeling, then grabbed the nipple clamps from the bag, and a mitt.
“Keep your eyes closed, and stand up.” He put a hand on her arm to help her. “Come with me, eyes closed. I won’t let you hit anything.”
He dropped the mitt onto the couch for later, then led her into the bathroom and positioned her in front of the mirror. Taking his time so they wouldn’t make noise, he put the clamps on. They were the loop style again, so he adjusted the bead to a firm hold, but not enough to pinch, so that she could wear them for a while.
“All right, open your eyes.”
She blinked them open and stared at their reflection. The lace hood with pointed ears. The nipple clamps with tiny bells that he gave a little flick to, making them tinkle. He turned her a bit to the side so that she could see the long tail coming from her butt.
“Kitten,” he said. “Kittens don’t talk. They can make noise, but not words. If you forget, I’ll give you a gag to remind you.”
She pulled her lip between her teeth and he pulled it back out. “Kittens can pretty much do whatever they want, besides speaking, so no orders for how you’ll spend the next couple of hours, beyond not taking off anything I’ve put on, not speaking, and not walking on two legs once we leave this room.”
Her eyes darted around as she observed her mask, her tail, his face, the room.
“Though kittens can’t use hands, they do love yarn, so that will be the one exception. If you want to work on your knitting, you can. If you need to use your numbers, of course you can say them out loud, but I would prefer you get my attention and you can show me with your fingers. Unless it’s a four or a five, then you should speak them as soon as you need to. All right?”
She looked like her brain was going a million miles a minute, but she nodded.
“All right then.” He kissed her on the temple, feeling the lace against his lips. “Down you go. Unfortunately for me, kittens don’t do well with leashes.”
She gave him one last look, then dropped to the floor.
Natalie remembered telling Noah that she was curious about what the puppies and ponies and kittens got out of their play, but she hadn’t really expected him to go there for the weekend. She’d also been clear that she was unsure of the dehumanizing aspects of the role. Like humiliation and degradation, it was something she didn’t understand, though she didn’t judge others for it.
Noah headed to the living room and sat in what had become his spot, then pulled over his laptop from where he’d left it on the side table. Crawling around on the floor wasn’t her favorite thing ever, but at least now she understood and appreciated why Noah had decided they should use the Swiffer before they ate lunch.
The wood floor was hard under her knees, and the soft furry tail bumped against her thighs as she slowly made her way to the couch. The little bells hanging from her breasts let Noah know she was approaching, and he looked up and gave her a little smile, then returned his attention to the computer.
Her knitting bag was on the floor next to the couch, so she curled up into her spot and got to work. Normally it was easy to lose herself in the rhythm of the pattern, but she also normally listened to her books or the TV while she did it. And she was having a hard time concentrating with the tail pushing into her ass.
She kept glancing over at Noah, but he seemed fully absorbed in what he was doing. Focusing on the sweater she was working on, again, she managed a few rows before she acknowledged to herself that she was bored.
Would he let her put on her earbuds to listen to a book? Cats had active ears, didn’t they? It was less unlikely than knitting, that was for sure. But probably using her phone to turn on and play the book was pushing things. He’d said she could do almost anything, though. She needed to think like a cat, she decided.
Hm.
Putting her project back into the bag, she looked over and caught Noah watching her from the corner of his eyes, but he immediately looked back at his screen. Well.
Rising up on her knees, little bells tinkling, she crawled over to Noah and plopped down—gently—on top of his hands and keyboard, just like Missy P would do.
He huffed out a laugh but didn’t say anything, he just lifted her up and to the side. But then he moved the computer off his lap and patted his legs. Smiling, she curled into him. He’d taken his shirt off and she rubbed her lace-covered forehead against him, imagining the roughness of the lace against his nipples.
His shifting should have alerted her that he was making a move, but she was surprised to feel soft fur sliding over her naked skin. She tore her gaze from his chest and found that he’d put on a furry mitt and was using it to pet her.
Oh. She abandoned trying to torture him and melted against him instead. He increased the pressure, sliding the softness over every part of her that he could reach without moving their positions.
Nice. She enjoyed the sensation for a while, and when he paused, she dug her nails into his stomach just a bit, without conscious thought. He grunted and resumed petting her. Amused, she considered what else she could do.
When he was mid-stroke, she abruptly sat up and moved back to the other end of the couch and pretended to ignore him. She snuck a peek, though, and he appeared to be fighting a grin.
She gave it a few minutes, then made her way back over to him and rubbed her head against his shoulder. He scritched the small of her back, absentmindedly, though he hadn’t brought back his computer or anything else to grab his attention. This was all part of the play, she realized.
Turning, she tried to smack him in the face with her tail, and probably succeeded if the light sputtering was a good indicator. He flicked her rump. Okay, she couldn’t fault him for that, though she assumed he wouldn’t actually do the same to a pet.
“Feeling a little feisty, kitten?” he asked.
She turned back around and moved her hands to his thigh, kneading her nails into his shorts, moving them close and closer to his cock. He grinned and lifted her back into his arms, banding them around her so that she couldn’t get at her goal.
It all felt good, the soft fur, the firm strokes that made her bells tinkle. But…she wasn’t sure she liked it. It felt weird to get turned on but she couldn’t deny it was happening. It was supposed to happen, right? That was the point of the scene. She bit her lip and realized she’d stopped watching him when his finger slid under her collar.
“I need to get some work done, kitten. No more pets. You’re probably hungry though, I’ll put your food out.”
Hmph. He nudged her with the glove and she rolled off him and sat on the couch, watching as he headed to the kitchen. She supposed she was expected to crawl after him. Honestly, though, did people really crawl around their houses all day? Although, if this were something she found intriguing, she’d be able to negotiate the rules a little better next time, and maybe include kneepads. Or just do away with the crawling except for certain circumstances.
It was interesting to think about the different negotiation options as she headed toward the kitchen, but she couldn’t keep from scowling when he set a saucer on the floor.
Really?
“Come on, it’s good, you’ll like it,” he encouraged, squatting down next to the small plate.
Grumbling, she took the last couple steps and he pet from her head to her tail in approval, giving the tail a little tweak. She looked down at the plate. There was a scattering of crackers, cheese and grapes. She wasn’t really even hungry, but now she wanted cheese.
Bending her head, while Noah kept his hand on the small of her back, she tongued up a piece of cheese, then a cracker, and sat back and chewed. He kissed her on the top of her head and went back to the couch.