by KB Alan
“I need you to trust me, Natalie. I need you to stay so we can figure this out.”
She was the last thing he needed. Why didn’t he see that? No, no, that wasn’t right. She just needed to get her head clear. To be alone, so she could get her head clear. So she could think.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I have to go.” She brushed past him, unable to look at him, her bag overflowing with everything she could cram into it.
“You can’t drive.” His voice had gone cold.
“I’ll call for a ride.” She pulled out her phone and clicked the app open. “There’s one four minutes away.” She forced herself to look up at his face, but only lasted a second. It had gone carefully blank, showing her nothing. “I’m sorry.”
She turned and walked out the door.
When Natalie woke up, she felt as though she was hungover. She’d been incredibly exhausted when she’d gotten home, but she’d been unable to sleep, had simply cried for hours. At some point, she must have drifted off, because now she was awake, blinking against the late-morning light streaming through the windows, and she hurt. Head, body, heart.
What had she done?
Her hand went to her throat. It was bare, but in her mind she could see the beautiful necklace that had seemed so dark and sinister to her muddled brain. It had seemed so clear that she’d misunderstood the relationship Noah wanted with her. That she’d made it into what she wanted it to be, when all along it was something else.
But now…now that seemed really fucking ridiculous.
Noah was not the type to pretend. But the thing was, everything they’d done, since that day at Alec and Sonya’s, had been about what she wanted. Or what she needed. She’d asked Noah what he’d wanted, that weekend at the cabin, and he’d said it was about her, finding out what worked for her.
But after that, when they’d transitioned into an actual relationship, they had talked about what they wanted, what both of them wanted. He wouldn’t have strung her along, trying to get her far enough into him that she would just give in to a completely different dynamic when he told her he loved her. That wasn’t Noah.
It was hard to even understand how her brain had been spinning last night. The club had been wonderful, but so much. And then he’d overwhelmed her senses in amazing ways, and told her he loved her. She’d felt it, believed it. And felt the same.
She groaned and held her head tightly as if she could keep her splitting headache from bursting out of her eyeballs.
Stupid, stupid…how could she be so fucking stupid?
She forced herself to get up and take something for her head, drink a glass of water. She made herself take a fast shower, and then ordered a car. She was going to have to beg, and hope Noah could forgive her.
Noah heard the vehicle arrive at his house. He wasn’t surprised. Natalie had left her car behind, and a few belongings. The question would be, did she bother to retrieve what was still in the house, or would she just get in her car and leave, without facing him? He figured chances were about even.
So when the knock came on the door, he simply opened it and handed her the bag he’d filled with her things. He’d had all night to gather stuff up, since he hadn’t slept, hadn’t even bothered to lie down. If he closed his eyes, he’d just see her flinching away from his touch. Over and over again. Filling the bag with her stuff had only taken a few minutes. She hadn’t been in his life long enough to leave much behind.
She looked like shit, but he forced the thought away. She was staring at the bag he held out like it was full of spiders.
“Can we talk?” she asked, her voice hitching on the last word. “I came to apologize.”
A spark of hope began to worm its way through the ice encasing his heart. He waved her in. She took a seat on the sofa and stared at her hands.
“Last night…I’m so sorry, Noah. I fucked up.”
“How?”
She jerked at his voice, but didn’t look up. “Because I left without talking to you.”
He took a deep breath. She was here. She was apologizing. She was communicating. He sat on the coffee table in front of her, but he didn’t touch her. “Can you tell me what happened?”
She nodded. “It was the collar. The necklace. Can you tell me what it meant to you? What you meant it to be, for us?”
He frowned. He wanted to hear what she’d been thinking, not explain himself. She was shaking, though, her hands clasped between her knees, her whole body hunched over. He wanted to pull her into his lap, but he forced himself to stay still.
“It would mean whatever we decided. It has a double clasp. A regular one that you could do up yourself if you wanted to wear it. Maybe if you expected to have a stressful day at work, you’d put it on to know that you had a piece of me with you. Then it also has a locking clasp. The kind I would have to use the tool to open and close it. If we wanted to go somewhere and be on scene, but not somewhere you could wear your leather collar, you could wear this necklace.”
“I’m not sure what that means. Where would we go?”
He rubbed a hand through his hair, frustrated, not sure what was going on in her head. “Just like anything else we do, it would be whatever we negotiated. Maybe there’s something you know you need to do, but don’t want to, and you need extra motivation. Like you talked about wanting to do laps at the pool, but you keep not doing it. We could institute rewards and punishments if you really wanted the motivation. Although, I suppose that necklace and the pool aren’t really a great mix.”
He stood up and paced in front of her, feeling antsy. “Or, you and I pretty much keep everything in the bedroom, but as with going to the cabin, sometimes it’s fun to do things differently. Maybe we go to a restaurant, and like I teased you about last night, use a vibe on you, but this time really in public. I wouldn’t want to do play like that without you wearing a collar to know at all times you’re under my protection.”
“Is that something you would want to do a lot?”
His frustration had eaten away the numbness from last night, and now he was just confused. “Once in a while, I guess, if you found you liked it. If not, no big deal. Maybe you’d wear the necklace if we went to a dungeon party but weren’t playing. They have Christmas parties and other get-togethers. Whatever we decided. Natalie, I need you to explain to me what happened.”
She nodded and twisted her fingers together. “Something happened at the club last night. I was going to tell you, I promise. I had no intention of not telling you. I just…you know when we left? Right before? You kissed me and said we should go. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Why did you want to leave?”
“Because I was kissing you and I wanted to do a hell of a lot more than that.”
She nodded. “I was about to ask you if we could leave. Tell you I was at four.”
He sat back, surprised. He hadn’t realized she’d been upset, had been too busy kissing her senseless.
“When Faryn and I were talking, I mentioned something about the weekend at the cabin. I don’t remember how it came up, exactly, but they made a little quip about how I’d passed your test about being able to live a 24/7 D/s dynamic.”
“Excuse me?” He couldn’t keep his voice from being harsh, but regretted it when she flinched. “They thought I was testing you? You thought that?”
“No, not really. It was just a comment, they didn’t mean it like that. But I kind of froze for like, a whole second. But then my brain kicked in and I knew you weren’t. That you wouldn’t do that. But they said something about your last relationship being that way, and I was confused, and I was thinking how if things kept going the way they were, you could talk me into something like that, eventually, but then I was like, no that’s stupid, and then Faryn was upset and I assured them that they hadn’t done anything wrong and then you were back and I pushed it aside until we could talk about it, later.”
She chanced a look at him, then went back to watching her hands at her knees. “I
really enjoyed visiting the club, but it was a lot, you know? The music and the scenes and the screams and the nakedness and the excitement, and it was all good stuff, it was just a lot.”
He swallowed, trying to wrap his brain around what he was hearing. “All right.”
“But then you suggested we leave and that was perfect timing, and I knew I had to tell you, but we were home before I could even figure out what I wanted to ask you, then we were here and you were amazing, and I think you blew every scrap of energy I had left out of my toes, and you said you loved me, and I love you, and it was so much and so amazing and it was…you know how when you spanked me, I cried?”
She glanced up again, but this time she held his gaze. “It wasn’t because of the pain. I didn’t really understand what it was, but somehow it was just this huge emotional ball inside of me dissolved and leaked out of my eyes, but you said the necklace locked and I thought that meant it was a day collar, and that means full-time slave dynamic, and this time it was a huge emotional ball of anxiety that I didn’t even know was there and I just kind of lost my mind. All I could think was I needed to be alone so I could get my brain to work right. Like, I knew it was fucked up, but that didn’t mean I could make sense of it. My brain, I mean.” She sighed and scrubbed her hands over her face. “I’m so sorry I had to leave like that.”
He understood. Sort of. She probably had barely slept Friday night, with nerves about going to the club. Then they’d had dinner and she’d talked to his folks, which had gone well, but surely was stressful. Then the club, good but overwhelming for someone whose last club experience had been traumatic. He could understand all that. However…
“You didn’t trust me,” he told her. That was the part that was sticking in his gut and clawing at his heart. “You didn’t trust me to talk, even a little bit. You just left.”
“I fucked up. I’m so sorry. I do trust you. As soon as I woke up, I knew I’d made a mistake. I knew you weren’t trying to, I don’t even know…groom me into your slave. I’m sorry.”
He believed her. She was sorry. But it wasn’t about sorry. It was about the fact that she’d thought he could do any of that, be that person, and then didn’t even trust him enough to explain. Had jerked away from his touch. She hadn’t even said she was just leaving for the night and would be back when her head had a chance to clear. She’d packed up as much of her shit as she could manage and wouldn’t even look at him as she walked away.
“I think you should go now.” He didn’t want to say the wrong thing. The only words that wanted to spill out of his mouth were “how could you not trust me?” and that wasn’t really something she could answer. She just…hadn’t.
Her eyes closed and her body rocked back at his words. He had to fist his hands to keep from reaching out. But how could he move forward with someone who claimed to love him, but didn’t understand him at all?
“Okay, Noah.”
She stood up and once again walked out the door.
Chapter Twenty-Two
This time, the knock on the door was unexpected. Noah ignored it. He was positive it wasn’t Natalie, and he didn’t care about talking to anyone else.
When the back door opened, he sighed. He was lying in the grass, staring up at the sky. He didn’t need any company for this all-important task. He draped an arm over his eyes.
“Hey,” Alec said.
“Hey.”
“You really going to ignore Matty?”
Noah moved his arm and blinked his eyes open against the blinding sun. Sure enough, his best friend was holding a baby car seat.
“Shit, Alec, get him out of the sun.”
He stood up and they moved to the patio, where there was shade. Alec unbuckled the baby and immediately handed him to Noah. Noah scowled at his friend, but then checked that the baby’s eyes were closed, and he wouldn’t be scared off.
As if sensing his attention, Matthew scrunched up his whole face, made a tiny noise, then promptly went back to sleep.
Noah took a deep breath. “What the fuck, man?”
“Exactly my question. Natalie called Annalise. Annalise called and yelled at me. So I’m probably here to yell at you, but Annalise kept swearing that Natalie said she’d been the one to fuck up, so Annalise had to promise not to get mad at you. My sister told me I better figure this shit out, and fast, so here I am.”
He’d gone numb again, around about the time he’d realized that Natalie hadn’t trusted him. He could understand her freaking out. But he couldn’t get past that vital aspect. Trust was everything to him. Earning that trust, as a partner, as a mentor, hell, just as a good friend. In his mind, he hadn’t given her any reason to not trust him.
Now, as he nudged Matty’s hand with his finger, and the baby immediately uncurled his fingers and latched onto Noah’s, something deep inside of him threatened to shatter. He thought about how proud he’d been that she’d decided to go to the club with him. He’d known it might be too much. Had absolutely been ready for her to panic and need to leave. And she had. He just hadn’t recognized it. And then he’d compounded her panic and instead of figuring out a way to break through, he’d let her leave the safety of his house.
Of course, kidnapping would have been a problem, but surely he could have done something. Instead, he’d been flabbergasted that they’d gone from such an amazing moment of sweetness and love to her walking out on him. He’d ordered the stupid necklace made special for her, and her response had been to walk away. It had hurt. A lot.
But with the baby’s fingers gripping his tightly, he remembered the haunted look in her eyes, the one that had kind of pissed him off, because why would she look afraid of him?
Fucking hell, it was like he’d decided she was cured of her past traumas and now she needed to react accordingly. He was a bastard. Her last Dom had blindsided her when, as far as she’d known, everything was great between them, and here she’d thought he’d done the same, and instead of reassuring her, he’d let her leave once, and sent her away the second time. He wanted her to turn to him if she was panicked or upset, but when she didn’t, his response was to push her away?
Had he played the role of mentor, without the emotional entanglements of a relationship, for so long that his ego had taken over and he’d forgotten that being a boyfriend, a lover, a couple, was a different thing, entirely?
“I need to go see her,” he said, finally looking at his friend.
“I’m glad we’ve had this talk.”
Noah just shook his head, not sure what Alec was on about. “I need to go see Natalie, now.”
“That’s going to be a problem since you don’t know where she is.”
Noah narrowed his eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“She told Annalise she was driving to her grandparents’.”
“They live in Atlanta.”
“Then you see the problem.”
“Fuck. Call Annalise.”
“You call her.” Alec took his boy from Noah and walked back into the house.
When her cell phone rang, Natalie sighed and wiped her eyes. As soon as she’d gotten settled into her hotel room, the damn things had started leaking and wouldn’t stop. She cleared her throat and picked up the phone, expecting it to be either Annalise or her mom. Both knew she was on the road, and she’d let them know she was stopped for the night. Annalise had demanded her location, even her room number, and then sent up an ice cream sundae through room service. Her best friend was amazing.
But the caller ID showed Noah.
Fuck. She didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to keep apologizing when no apology would make up for what she’d done. But she owed him whatever he’d ask of her, so she answered the phone.
“Hi, Noah.” Her voice sounded flat, even to her own ears. She cleared her throat again, determined to not add the burden of her sadness onto his shoulders.
“Open the door, Natalie. Please. I’d like my turn to talk to you.”
A frisson of hope slic
ed through her, and she ruthlessly buried it. “I’m sorry. I would, but I’m not home.”
A knock sounded on the hotel room door. “Please open the door, Nat.”
Her gaze flew to the door. That wasn’t possible. Was it?
She got up. “Noah, I’m in a hotel. In Baltimore.”
“I know. I’d like you to let me in.”
She looked through the peephole. Noah stood right outside her door. She threw it open and stared at him. “What are you doing here?”
He took his phone away from his ear. “You had your turn to talk. Now it’s my turn.”
She blinked at him, but he brushed past her and into the room. He sat at the desk chair opposite the bed.
Not sure if she was dreaming, Natalie sat at the end of the bed and waited for this to make some kind of sense.
“I’m sorry, Natalie.”
“What? No, Noah! This was all my fault. You have nothing to apologize for.”
“The fact that you think so means I have even more to apologize for than I’d thought.”
He reached over and smoothed the space between her eyebrows. It was something he’d done countless times before and it had her breath getting choppy. What was happening?
“I fucked up.”
She shook her head but couldn’t say anything.
“I let my ego get the better of me. ‘How can she not trust me,’ I thought. But if you didn’t trust me, it’s because I didn’t earn it. Plain and simple.”
“Noah, No.”
He held up his hand and her mouth clicked shut.
“You were exhausted, physically and emotionally. Mostly from good stuff, but also from stress and fear. Walking into that club was hella brave, and you handled it so well, that I forgot the whole point of being there was to help earn your trust—in me, in the club, even in the lifestyle. The point wasn’t to prove I already had that trust. It was just another step in getting you there. It wasn’t a test for either of us. But I failed it anyway. Not you. Me.”