by Jill Sanders
“Gone?” he asked. His eyes and heart stung. His ears rang and everything echoed in his mind.
Instead of answering, she nodded and rested her head on her knees.
“He was so small,” she cried into her bent knees. “So perfect.”
“Why?” he asked. His throat felt raw and he had a sudden wish for a shot of whiskey. Her red eyes moved up to his. “Why didn’t you call me?” he asked.
“I…” She closed her eyes. “I was afraid.”
“Of me?” he asked.
“No.” She shook her head. “Of my parents. They pulled the strings, until…” She closed her eyes. “Less than five months after leaving here, after leaving you… I gave birth to our son.” She glanced up at the water, her eyes staring into the distance unseeing. “He lived for thirty-three hours, nineteen minutes. He was so perfect, so small.”
His son. He’d never known about him. Never spent a second fearing for him. Loving him. He hadn’t been there to see him or hold him.
“What did you name him?” He didn’t know why he wanted to know, only that he was desperate for any information about the son he hadn’t known about.
“Ryland.” She dug in her purse and pulled out her phone. “There’s some… photos. If you want?”
He held out his hand for the phone. She swiped her screen and then handed it over.
He stared down at the small red baby no bigger than his fist and swallowed the lump in his throat. Tears rolled down his face as he scrolled through more than two dozen pictures of the tiny baby behind a glass case.
There was a picture of small see-through fingers trying to hold onto one of Grace’s fingers. It broke his heart. He handed the phone back to her and wiped his eyes with his fist.
“Thank you,” he said softly.
“For?” She shook her head. “Hiding this from you? I… there were so many days I wanted to somehow tell you.” She closed her eyes. “I was so sick, for the longest time. They kept me drugged.” She sighed. “Half of the time I didn’t even understand what was going on.”
“Your parents drugged you?” He leaned towards her, anger threatening to surface.
“No, the doctors. They said it was preeclampsia. The placenta ruptured.” She shook her head slightly. “It was why he was born so early. I’d been in so much pain most of the pregnancy. They wanted… they told me I should have ended the pregnancy.” Her eyes searched his. “I… couldn’t. Didn’t want to. I thought, believed that somehow…”
He reached for and squeezed her hand and nodded. “Thank you.”
“You keep saying that.” She half chuckled. “Why?”
“For going through with it, for giving him a fighting chance.”
She closed her eyes again and rested her head on her knees.
“Why did your parents stop you from contacting me?” he asked.
She glanced over at him. “They believed I had lied. They think you’re the one who drugged me, that night. Since you had given me the drink.” He closed his eyes on his anger again. “I know it wasn’t you,” she said softly and touched his arm. “Obviously, they don’t know you like I do. At first, they threatened to remove me from their insurance, kick me out if I contacted you. Then after I got sick, I was so concerned about the baby, I just… gave up fighting.”
He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that alone.”
“He was so perfect.” Her breath hitched. “I loved him from the first moment.” He held onto her as she cried. “I haven’t had time really, to think about it, to think about him.”
“If what you’re saying is true, it’s been almost a year,” he said, calculating in his head.
She nodded and leaned away. “I would have come sooner, but there were other complications.”
“You’re okay, right?” Concern for her flooded his mind.
“Yes, I am, now.” She smiled. “The complications were only partially physical.”
“What then?” he asked.
10
She felt so much better after telling Alan everything. Well, almost everything. She’d loved Ryland so much, it had hurt losing him.
“Shortly after I was released from the hospital, my parents cut me off.” She saw the anger behind his eyes once more. She could tell he was fighting it and reached over to take his hand like he’d done to her several times. “Don’t worry, I had a good friend help me.” She smiled. “Remember Anna?”
He blinked a few times and nodded. “She… knew?”
“Yes, I had texted her when I first found out. Anyway, we stayed in contact. When my parents cut me off and kicked me out for what they called bad life choices, she moved to Kentucky. We got a small apartment together in Lexington. I got a job waiting tables and, since she’d finished school, she got a job as an occupational therapist at the hospital. The pay is crap, but she loves it. She actually met someone.” Grace smiled remembering how happy Anna was with Bryan, an EMT she’d met on the first night of her job. They were inseparable now. “It’s why I couldn’t make it down here…” She was lying only a little. She’d wanted to give her body a while to recover, before seeing him again.
“You don’t have to explain anything.” She watched as he looked off towards the water and could see the pain behind his eyes. She’d seen it in her own eyes for the past year.
“You mentioned going back to school and getting some land?” he asked.
“Yes.” She smiled. “I finished my degree and took night classes along with online classes. I sort of crammed every waking hour with school.” A frown formed on her lips. “Which I’ll be paying off the next few centuries,” she joked.
“What’s your plan to purchase land?” he asked.
“Next month is my twenty-fourth birthday.” Her heart fluttered when she thought about it.
“Okay.” He chuckled. “Which means?”
“My aunt Rita, my mother’s sister, died when I was six. I don’t really remember her much, but what I do remember was that she was a lot kinder towards me than my own mother. Both Rita and my mother inherited the family business from my grandparents. My mother took over when my grandfather retired. My aunt was bought out.”
She felt the sweat dripping down her back and stood up, wanting some shade. He followed her, and they started walking back down the beach together.
“Rita never married. And when she found out about the cancer, she had her will changed so that my parents couldn’t touch a penny of her money.” She glanced over at him. “The sisters never got along. Upon reaching twenty-four, I’ll come into my inheritance.”
“So, you’re going to buy some land and start your very own winery?” he asked.
“Yup.” She smiled and turned to him as they reached the stairs. “And I want your help.”
“Me…?” He blinked a few times. “I don’t know anything about making wine. Only selling it.”
“I’ll be the winemaker. You’ll be more of a… consultant.” She’d thought about her plan for the past six months or so. She had wanted someone she could trust to be there with her through it all. Of course, the first person she’d thought about had been Alan. Even if he’d found someone else to be with, she knew she could trust him.
“When are you planning to start it all?” he asked.
“I have a month to find the right land. I’ve been doing some searching online. I have a few options… nothing that would be perfect, but they’re worth a look.”
“I have Sunday off,” he suggested before thinking. She agreed. “I can pick you up,” she volunteered.
“I’ll meet you at your place,” he said as they reached his Jeep. “Now, about tonight, you don’t have to feel obligated…”
She sighed. It was eleven in the morning and for some reason, she felt like she could sleep for the rest of the day. And she didn’t know if she could be around the perfect family, celebrating the upcoming baby that would no doubt be healthy and loved by all. “I… I’m not sure I’m up
for a family affair.”
He nodded. “Say no more. I’ll make your excuses.” He held open the door for her.
“They really are a great family, The Graytons,” she said after they were underway back to her place. “It’s just… it’s still raw, losing Ryland.” She looked out the window. “I almost cried the entire way out here when I had to sit beside a new mother and her baby.” She took a deep breath remembering fighting back tears the entire flight there.
“Yeah.” His tone made her turn towards him. Even though his eyes were glued to the road, she could see the pain in his expression.
She turned her entire body towards him. “I’m sorry.” She reached over and laid her hand over his. “I know this must be…” What? Hard? Devastating? The right word didn’t come to her. There were no right words. All of the comfort Anna and the doctors and nurses tried to give her—none of it had ever mattered.
“Overwhelming?” he suggested, finally.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, dropping her hand from his and turning towards the window again.
They rode in silence for a while.
“What about your parents?” he asked as he turned on the street her place was on.
“What about them?” She glanced towards him.
“What do they think of you being here?” He pulled up beside her rental car.
“They don’t know,” she answered quickly.
“They don’t?” He placed a hand on her arm, stopping her from exiting the Jeep. “Why not tell them?”
“They cut me off.” She knew that her tone told him that he was butting in where he didn’t belong. Still, he persisted, making her realize just what a great guy he was. No one she’d ever been with before would have persisted.
“Won’t they send out a search party? Like last time?” The concern was back in his eyes. She softened and shifted towards him a little more. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the hurt and emotions aside. He cared about her relationship with her parents. After all, it was the cause of the rift between them. It was the sole reason he hadn’t known about his son.
“No, for the past nine months, almost a year, I’ve been on my own with no contact.” The sadness welled up inside again. Then came the anger. “They didn’t care when I had to wait in the welfare office for hours to sign up for medical help for post-pregnancy exams. Or when I had to sign up for financial aid at school.” Her eyes narrowed, remembering all the forms, all the times she’d had to ask for help while explaining that her wealthy parents had cut her off completely. “I buried our son with the money in my savings account.” She closed her eyes and felt a tear slip down her cheek. “They didn’t even bother to show up for their grandson’s funeral.”
His arms wrapped around her and pulled her closer towards him. His hand went to her hair and gently brushed down the length.
She hadn’t realized she was crying as hard as she was, but suddenly, her entire body was wracked with emotion.
When she was done crying, her eyes and her head hurt. She knew she was an ugly crier, and tried to hide her face with her hands as she pulled away from him.
“Here.” A tissue was put gently into her hand.
She used it and kept her face turned away from him.
“Grace.” Alan’s soft voice caused her eyes to return to him. “I’m sorry,”
It was then that she noticed the trail of tears down his cheeks.
* * *
His heart was breaking. Seeing her like this, hearing her cry against his shoulder. Knowing there was nothing he could do to change the past.
So many options went through his head as he held her. If he’d only looked harder for her, he could have been there for her. They could have been together during all this.
Her eyes were red, causing the blueness of her irises to be brighter. She was so beautiful, he had a hard time not pulling her back into his arms.
“I should have been there for you.” He brushed his finger down the side of her hair.
She leaned her face slightly into his hands. “You’re here now.” She smiled slightly.
“I won’t let things end like they did last time. Even if your parents come… I’m here.”
She was biting her bottom lip, and suddenly, the desire to pull her close and taste those lips himself welled up in him. Instead, he reached down and opened his door, then rushed around and helped her out.
“I’ll see you on Sunday?” he said after he’d walked her up to the front door.
She nodded, keeping her eyes downward.
He wanted to see those eyes once more and used his fingertip to nudge her chin up, until her eyes locked on his.
Instead of saying anything, he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her lips. He wanted to show her everything he was feeling for her, but kept the kiss light.
He had promised his roommate that he’d help her finish moving her stuff out on Sunday. Still, the chance to spend an entire day with Grace was too appealing.
Before walking away, he wanted to express all of the emotions he was having, but he fought the urge. Instead, he relied on his years of training from the military and swallowed his words.
His heart broke a little more when a fresh tear slipped down her cheek. “Get some rest,” he suggested. “I’ll see you Sunday.”
Leaving her on the doorstep was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. But he could tell that she needed some time, as did he.
He drove around for almost an hour before heading back to grab Ralph and his kayak. He pushed the small boat off the beach area in front of his condo. Ralph settled in the front seat as he fought the low waves.
After a two-hour paddle, he felt a little steadier. When he carried the kayak into the storage area, he thought about cancelling on the Graytons himself. Instead, he went upstairs, cleaned up, and headed across Dolphin Bay towards the massive house in Spring Haven.
Marcus was the first one the Graytons had taken in, followed by Roman, Cole, Marissa, and Cassey. Since Wendy had married Cole, and Cassey was his boss, he’d heard rumors about each of the Graytons coming from abusive pasts. He knew Cassey and Cole’s story, but the others kept their secrets and their pasts to themselves.
Alan had always wanted brothers and sisters. It was one of the reasons he’d allowed the family to strong-arm him into joining theirs. Plus, it felt pretty damn good to have someone he could call and count on. If he ever needed someone to go fishing or hang out with, they were always around.
He pulled up to the massive house and sighed. One day, he thought, he’d have something close to this.
Kids. The thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He wanted kids. Kids with Grace.
He closed his eyes on the loss he’d just been exposed to. Ryland. The memory of those pictures had him opening his eyes on the pain.
Instead of focusing on the son he’d lost, he opened the door and made his way towards the people he knew would help him heal his hurt.
“There he is,” Marcus said from the front porch. “Just in time. Help me with this, will you?”
The man was standing on stepladder, holding a new ceiling fan over the front deck.
“Don’t you have people who work for you to do this kind of thing?” he asked as he made his way towards the ladder to help out. Marcus owned Paradise Construction, one of the largest home builders around.
“Sure, but it’s no fun having someone do everything for you.” Marcus grunted as he held the fan with one hand and used the drill with his other. He showed Alan where to hold the fan. “Turn it,” he suggested. “There.” Alan felt the bolt slide into place and Marcus finished screwing it in. “See, now we can reward ourselves with a beer.” Marcus dusted his hands off.
Alan chuckled. “You mean, your old man wouldn’t give you a beer until you’d hung this.”
Marcus smiled and laughed. “You’ve earned one too.” He slapped Alan on the back and walked into the house.
“Alan’s here,” Marcus yelled out.
Suddenly, h
e was surrounded by people he cared about. And he knew they cared about him too.
Sitting out on the back patio while Missy and Roman told everyone about their new expected bundle was just the medicine he’d needed. After grilling some fish that Cole and Luke had caught earlier that morning, they sat out by the firepit and drank beer while Missy, Shelly, and Cassey stayed inside with the kids.
“Something’s eating you,” Wendy said, snuggling closer to Cole. He knew she’d been watching him all evening. He could never hide anything from her. She was too good at seeing through him.
“It’s nothing,” he said, taking the last sip of his beer.
She shifted and sat up. “Spill it. You know I don’t give up,” she warned. “Is it about Grace?”
He sighed and looked around. The topic of Grace had come up several times that evening, the first time when he had to explain why he was there by himself. Then Missy and Roman had explained to everyone that they had met her earlier that morning, which had led to a slight argument about them finding out about the baby before everyone else.
Now, however, he was wishing he would have left earlier instead of sticking around for one more beer.
“She told me, that when she left… she found out that she was pregnant.”
“What?” Wendy almost screamed it. “You?” she asked, and Alan knew what she was asking.
“Yes.” He closed his eyes. “She lost him.” He didn’t want to go into too much detail, not now.
“I’m sorry,” Wendy moved over and gave him a hug. His friend’s hug was one of the best he’d ever experienced, outside of Grace’s.
“That must have been hard. Finding out now,” Cole said, shaking his head.
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t she call and let you know?” Wendy asked, moving back over to sit down. “Her folks…”
He nodded. “They’ve cut her off completely. She had to put herself through school and everything.”
“She seems like a strong woman,” Marcus added.
“She is.” He thought about everything she’d gone through in the last year and, suddenly, he was very proud of being part of her future plans. “She’s looking at starting her own winery down here.”