She put me in this cage. Dazed, I look at her as she watches me like an animal that, if startled, might kick her in the chest.
Beep... Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh!
I look around, searching for the source of the strange beat, but seeing only two things different. My mum, who wears black jeans and a blouse, sits a few feet away from me, and the colorful thread ball, catching my eyes with a vibrancy I am denied here.
“I want you to know that I am sorry. It was scary to watch you deteriorate in front of my eyes. The numbness, the silence, the faraway look, and disorientation worried us. You would forget to eat or have a shower. Sometimes, you would come downstairs and tell us that you were going to bake or cook for them, and get so angry when we reminded you that they were dead. The month we spent with you had been horrifying, because I was watching my daughter fading and losing the will to live.”
I look away from her, locking my eyes onto the white wall, trying to shut her out but failing.
“You decided that you must take control of the situation by locking me away, and pumping me with drugs that kept me under.” I look at her accusingly, trying to gauge her mood, needing her to be honest with me.
“Is this how you see it, Sandra, the execution of my authority over you?” Her eyebrows crease, making me think she’s overdone it with her expression of disbelief.
“But it was. When I am at my weakest, you could have me however you wanted. The drugs were perfect suppressants of character, weren’t they?” I smirk at her, knowing she had an ulterior motive to change our relationships, molding them as she saw fit.
I promised myself never to be weak and manipulated by anyone. And here my mother is, trying to paint herself a saint for what she has done to me. Sandra loves this woman, but me, I have plenty of disdain in my heart to look skeptically at her regretful act.
“I know that it is hard for you to believe, Cassandra. Honestly, I regret locking you away. I know that burden of grief is yours to deal with, and I can’t force it on you.”
Nevertheless, hearing her repentance, I still want to believe in her love for me.
“But I am still where you wanted me to be.”
Finally, she smiles and comes closer. Mischievous eyes look at me as she kisses my temple and turns me around. Her hands begin to work on the buckles. Without any urging, she works fast, and minutes later, I am released. Tears fall down my cheeks and the pressure of my emotions threaten to be set free as she helps me up.
“Why now?” a hoarse voice full of fear and contained joy asks the woman with grieving eyes, regretfully looking at me.
“You must find your way back to us. Don’t let go of any thread. Pull it to you instead. I love you, my girl. We can’t make everything right if we meet at the grave. We are waiting for you to come home.”
She walks away, through the door that never opened for me before. Now it stands ajar, as some sort of luminescence, glowing like a green butterfly, zooms in. Surprised, I let out small laugh. Afraid someone might hear me, I cover my lips with my hands.
Beep... Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh!
I turn away from the butterfly, trying to reach for freedom through the tinted minuscule glass window at the top of the ceiling. Raine stands there, with a net to catch it, and Aisha, with the spool our mum left me, mimicking those beeping and whooshing sounds. Both girls are the same age, about eight, as they look at me, waiting to do something.
“Come on, you need to leave, it’s time.” Raine rolls her eyes dramatically as she bounces on her feet, trying to reach the butterfly.
“Why are you wearing no shoes? It’s winter and cold, you know?”
Aha, so how did those two find a butterfly fluttering around?
Aisha runs out, bringing me boots as soft as bunny fur, and a coat.
“It will be ok, Sandra, don’t be afraid.” She brushes my face with her warm hands, bopping my nose as she goes to help Raine. She hoists her up on her shoulders, and as they catch the creature in the net, they fall on the soft ground, laughing.
“Let’s go to play with Leif and Lucas, Aisha! You can kiss Leif, no one will notice.” They both run out with their treasure in the net, to show the boys their catch.
Gathering all my courage, I step through the door that my mum opened for me, noticing that the thread ball is no longer with me, as Raine took it away. Why did Mum insist on holding onto every thread? I ponder the significance of the woolen ball.
Chapter 17
Trying to reach you
~Logan~
Beep... Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh...
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh... Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
She lies in the hospital bed, unmoving, with bruises all over her body and the life support machines attached to her. I walk over to her and gently take her broken fingers in mine. Softly kissing the exposed skin, I wash her bruises with my tears.
“Don’t leave me, Angel,” I beg her, as I stand and kiss the corner of her lips. A helpless whimper escapes me.
Her hospital room is full of white flowers, balloons, and “get well soon” cards. I spend most hours here with her, reading or talking, just so she wouldn’t be alone, and hope that one day, her hand will twitch or her eyes will open for me.
The beautiful view of the early morning sun shines through the window as snow starts to fall. Here in England, such beauty never stays for long. Perhaps that’s why it mesmerizes me, as snowflakes fall down on the too-warm ground and melt, turning into water.
“I miss you, Cassandra, so damn much. I hope to pull you back to me by the threads I have woven into our hearts.”
I take off my shoes and my sweater, leaving on only my black tank top, dark blue jeans, and black socks, to carefully climb in next to her. Slowly, so not to disturb any wires or tubes, I get comfortable next to her broken body wrapped in a blue hospital gown. I brush her beautiful hair until it’s tidy and sleek, then press my lips to her temple, allowing my tears to run freely. My chest constricts, powerless to change our fate.
From the pocket of my jeans, I pull out the ring and place it on her unbroken finger. The diamond shines back at me, mocking our hearts and hammering my brain with fears of losing her. My heart aches as I imagine life without this fierce, loving, and loyal woman that makes my blood run hot.
This can’t be all that there is for us. After such horrific life-changing experiences, Cassandra is supposed to get her happy ending, not the punishment she always thought she deserved. There is supposed to be a silver lining.
Nevertheless, she is in a coma, lost in a world beyond my reach, broken and mangled. The only string I hold is leading to her heart. So, I am going to pull that thread, and hope that it will eventually bring her back home.
Beep... Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh… Beep… Beep… Beep… Whoosh…
Lovingly, I caress her face, tracing her forehead, closed eyes, nose, and cheeks. I stroke her pouty, chapped lips, her small chin, and my hand reaches for her still-rising chest. Settling my hand over her beating heart, I listen to the rhythm of my sleeping beauty, watching her chest rise and fall, my greedy eyes willing her to live.
I imagine her sleeping next to me, naked and warm, snuggled like a cat purring contentedly after we’ve made love. For the last few weeks, I’d hoped this was just a nightmare we would both wake up from. Watching the snow falling to the ground through the window next to my beloved Angel, I pray. I nuzzle her neck, breathing her in, as my lips sample her taste. This time, her pulse doesn’t jump as it used to.
The mask on her nose helps her breathe, and the monitor next to her bed counts her heartbeats, lulling me in a fake sense of reassurance.
You’ve missed our boy taking his first wobbly steps. Also, our little girl said Ma-ma just yesterday while bouncing on her feet, with her small and incredibly strong hands fisted in my sweater. I
think both our kids are demanding for us to come back home. You promised me you’d fight and do everything to win. Don’t go back on your words, baby. You’re still tied to me by threads I have woven into you.
~Cassandra~
Nature here is like in fairy tale land, enchanted with incredible colors and ambiance. I breathe the smell of wildflowers into my lungs and feel the warm sunshine on my skin as I walk along the snow-covered ground amongst the colorful autumn trees, frost covering their leaves. The green grass poking out from the snow is encased in the ice. The water’s frozen, and looks like a shiny mirror. Enormous snowflakes brush my face, melting at the contact.
I walk to the curved bridge connecting the opposite sides of the land. I stand there for a moment, watching, mesmerized by the beauty. As I come closer to the edge, I rest my elbows on the railing. The world I devour with my eyes is so silent and peaceful under the snow.
Surprised, I jump as a warm body presses against me from behind. Male hands grab my hips, settling me into him, and my breaths mingle with the familiar intoxicating scent. Warm, lush lips brush along the exposed skin on my neck and I forget to breathe. My heart craves to reunite, and my cold body, covered in goose bumps, urges me to turn around and claim him. Feeling incomplete, unfulfilled, my soul vibrates with a consuming need to nestle into his essence.
Logan.
“You came,” I murmur to him, baffled.
Enveloped by him, I sway as his mouth tastes my skin. Comfortably, we stand in the snow, watching the horizon casting the stunning rainbow colors onto the trees. I feel his heart and breaths synchronizing with mine, as my eyes grow wet with tears, overflowing and running down my cheeks.
“I’ve missed you,” I whisper to him, silently begging for him to stay with me.
His heat comes off him in waves, threading into my body and swallowing the cold. I am filled with love and hope pulsing in my veins. In his hands, I am so damn light, holding onto him, so to not float away. We both stand, watching the snowflakes fall to their demise as they drop onto the ice mirror.
“Let’s dance, Angel.” He turns me around and lifts my chin. The breath freezes in my lungs as I look at him, his wild gaze determined not to waste time. Fascinated, I stroke his skin and trace his features. My fingers come in contact with his stubble, and I shiver, remembering how it feels on my skin.
Logan swallows his emotions and hides his secrets from my searching gaze. Somehow, I know he is afraid.
“Kiss me,” he demands softly. My fingers tangle in his longish raven-colored hair shining in the daylight as I bring our mouths together. Consumed by the desires of our sprinting hearts, we drink every breath and sample each taste of love.
Groaning and moaning, we forget who we are. We pull at each other in desperation, as if we can feel something about to tear us apart. The foreboding sense of doom nags my heart.
His embrace feels like home, the nurturing soul a safe place. He is the only one who has seen all of me bare and still loves the woman I am. His passion’s burning away all the pain and terror, the guilt and fear. Green eyes bring me to a halt, and I want to escape the truth hiding in there.
Here with him, I know he is that person to me, the one who makes all the wounds ache less and heal faster. I count the gifts he gave me with my heartbeats. I drink from his lips, and he nurses my soul-deep wounds with healing strokes.
“I love you so damn much.” My spirit’s ready to love, be free of guilt.
Hopeful, we walk towards the lake. On the snow-covered bench, he sets me down and puts on the ice-skating shoes, lacing up the blue and red ties tightly.
“Ready?” He holds out his hand to me, as adoration and love shine in his jewels. Happy and delighted, I nod, smiling at him. I know my eyes sparkle with uncontained joy. He takes us out onto the crystal-clear ice.
We are spinning and soaring on the ice, like two angels finding the secrets of flying for the first time. Laughing, as we lift our heads to the falling snowflakes, we glide like two kids tasting the bliss on their tongues.
His blue lips and bleak gaze are the only indications he is freezing. Except, I feel like he has set me on fire. My beautiful floor-length dress floats as though I have wings, while we twirl around on the ice.
“I have a gift for you, my love.” He pulls something from his pants, hiding in his fist, then he flips it over for me to see. Slowly, he opens it, unlocking his fingers.
The brisk wind caresses my skin, raising the hair on my arms as I look at the gift presented to me. I see a rose gold ring, in the shape of a crystal key, with a diamond as the crown and in the middle of it, a plain white gold band is hidden.
Kissing my exposed neck, he locks the chain around it and the key-shaped pendant settles between my breasts. I touch the gift as I turn around, wanting to know why he’s giving it to me. Standing further away from me, Logan watches the ice, as if yearning for something. Longing to be closer to him, I slowly glide to him, raising my hands to reach out, but something in his gaze terrifies me.
An uncontrollable shiver runs down my spine, and my blood freezes in awareness.
“Logan…tell me what’s wrong?” I come closer. His green eyes look at me, asking for forgiveness. No!
“I will find you,” I vow, trying to rekindle hope in his wild eyes. “I will come back to you, I promise.”
He grasps my arms, shaking me slightly. “How, if you’re lost here, love? You don’t see the truth in front of your blue eyes.” He strokes my face, as deep regret shines in his, making me lightheaded.
I shake my head, trying to deny it. “I won’t give up. I will fight, Logan.” I watch his dark gaze full of secrets penetrating my soul, encasing me in ice. I cannot grasp the meaning of their desolation, pouring out in waves.
We remove our skates and he brings me to the highest point of the hill, where we both sit in the snow, hidden in the foliage. The burning beauty is trapped underneath the ice and I watch the darkening sky, waiting for him to speak.
“Logan…?”
He exhales heavy breaths, and lifts his hand, pointing into the ice-covered lake.
I am about to protest that I don’t understand, but then the darkness shrouds us and the lake begins to shine from within. The life reflected behind the mirror surface causes the ripples to form as the world hidden underneath the icy surface reveals the truth. Down below, two people dance to the muffled music of a violin and piano.
“Look closer, don’t miss any details,” he whispers in my ear, as a delicious shiver runs down my neck. Briefly closing my eyes, I open them again to take in the scene below us. Fluttering wings of butterflies reside in my stomach.
In the living room, the most comforting sound of a burning fire provides the intimacy. We are both in jeans and dark green sweaters, our feet are bare, and we sit, looking at each other. Incapable of resisting, I grab him, kissing as I straddle his waist, wrapping my legs around his backside, and I am overcome with need. His pleased chuckles reach my ears, the electric feeling urging my heart to dance.
Hungry for more, we both moan and groan as the soft light from the fireplace dances on our skin.
“Wait, my love, I have plans for us. Different plans.” He laughs at my displeased expression, but tries to hide it behind his fist.
Only his smiling eyes betray that he is thrilled with my eagerness not to fight my desire. That infectious smile makes me want to tease his own need to follow through as I can feel him hard and ready, pressed against me. I move, playfully brushing his crotch, and a torturous groan escapes his mouth.
“You sure?” I ask him coyly, trying not to laugh at his hesitant expression.
“You play dirty,” he tells me, as he gathers his wits with a few controlled breaths.
Deliberately, he places me on the coffee table, further away, telling me to stay still and silent. He stands up and steps back a few feet, giving him some space.
From the wooden box, he pulls out an old-looking paper wrapped in leather. Presumably, there are handwritten wo
rds for me. Fascinated, I watch his muscular frame, illuminated by the soft glow, and his incredibly beautiful eyes glisten. I pull one leg up towards my chest, resting my chin as I observe him.
He clears his throat, and before he starts to read, he locks his eyes with me one last time. I raise my head in response to his earnest demeanor. His pulse jumps on his neck, like a bird thrashing, trying to escape its bounds.
“My beloved heart…”
At his first words, my heart soars, hammering with both joy and fear at the same time. This is my first love letter from the man who surrendered his soul to me.
“My most valuable possession is the heart I found beating in your chest. Its rhythm changed the course of my life forever. I felt the first boom, as it was the first time it began to live.
“Perhaps I have claimed your body, but you claimed my soul, Angel.
“The sense of contentment and happiness filled my soul as I held you in my arms that first night. I was filled with purpose. Where you perceive your weaknesses, I see only strengths. Where you see darkness, I see the light.
I wish to teach you to forgive, my love. I want to be your salvation.
Cassandra, will you marry me?”
Abruptly, I stand up, unable to watch anymore. The agonizing thrashing organ in my chest propels my legs to get away. The stabbing knife twists, plunging into me.
Disorientated, I push away from the man I love and run on bare feet as far as I can, not knowing why. No, no, no! I run like my feet are on fire, away from the awful truths, apart from the cruel faiths.
I reach the valley of blue and yellow flowers frozen in ice, and fall to my knees. The merciless vindictive ways of life play our hearts and souls with a mocking beauty. My whimpers turn into wails as the crystal glass cuts into my hands, drawing blood.
Entwined IN YOU (In You #2) Page 16