Chapter 11
DAVID had kept himself busy Sunday through Tuesday, taking William to visit his mother in the hospital, doing some cleaning around the house, and spending time with Cory and Tara. He’d also found some time to work on his doctoral thesis, although he’d found his mind wandering far too often to Jerry’s appointment with Dr. Wulfhaart and all of the possibilities that each prognosis could bring. He’d abandoned work on his thesis in favor of mucking stalls and cleaning tack, a favor for his husband. Jerry had not asked him to do his chores, but it kept David’s hands busy and his mind occupied.
When he’d called the doctor’s office on Monday, David had been fortunate to get an early appointment for Wednesday morning, Dr. Wulfhaart promising to squeeze Jerry in for an ultrasound right away. It had been a relief for David to hear that Dr. Wulfhaart wasn’t terribly worried since—as he’d said—everything still worked. The observation had made David laugh, and that had helped him to get up early this morning to fix Jerry breakfast and to remind him not to flirt with any orderlies while he had his pants around his ankles. Jerry had only laughed and asked, What if they flirt with me first? Another laugh had escaped David’s lips, and then he’d sent his husband on his way, David promising a great lunch for him when he returned.
He’d already finished most of the cleaning in the barn and was mucking out his last stall when he heard the crunch of gravel. He looked at his watch. It was just after eleven, too soon for Jerry to be back so quickly. Wondering if he’d not been able to get in to have an ultrasound, David walked out of the barn only to see Jerry’s truck pulling up to park beside the house. David turned suddenly, back to the barn, to drop his gloves on a bale of hay resting near the doors and then walked over to greet his husband.
“Hey,” David said, certain his frown was evident. “Could you not get in to have an ultrasound?”
“No, I got in,” Jerry said, nodding his head. “And just so you’ll know, the technician was Susan, about twenty-five, and she didn’t stop blushing the entire time.”
“Oh, thank God,” David said, his entire body relaxing as Jerry kissed him and then leaned against the truck. “I thought we’d have to wait longer.”
“Price of free healthcare, I guess,” Jerry observed.
“What did the doctor say? Did he say anything? How long before he gets the results?” The questions came one after the other as David saw Jerry’s smile growing. “What? Why aren’t you answering me?”
“I was waiting for you to run out of steam, baby. Relax,” Jerry cooed as he pulled David against him. “Dr. Wolfy is very optimistic.” David disliked that Jerry was so casual with the doctor’s name, but Jerry and Dr. Ernst Wulfhaart got along like a house on fire. Except for the fact that the good doctor was straight, he and Jerry could have been twins. They both loved animals, painting and sculpture, and even learned, during one of William’s many appointments, that they each shared a passion for travel. It was during this particular visit that Jerry had seen fit to christen the poor overworked physician Dr. Wolfy. And it didn’t seem to bother the doctor, so David kept his mouth shut.
“Define optimistic,” David said, his hand slipping inside Jerry’s button-down to stroke the ample chest hair.
“Not pessimistic?”
David laughed and kissed Jerry’s cheeks. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop worrying.”
“Thank you,” Jerry whispered as he pressed David’s hand to his chest. “Now, what were you doing in the barn as I pulled up just now?”
“Been in there all morning, actually,” David explained, scratching lightly over Jerry’s chest. “Needed to keep my mind busy, and my hands.”
“Poor baby,” Jerry cooed, running his hands up and down his husband’s back. “I can help you with keeping your hands busy.”
“You’re shameless,” David scoffed, pulling on Jerry’s chest hair. “What? All that gel and big transducer got you all worked up?”
“No,” Jerry whispered as he pulled David closer again. “That only happens when I see you.”
“Jerry,” David sighed, tilting his head, falling into his husband’s blue eyes. He put his hands on Jerry’s bulging biceps and squeezed. “There are moments when I fall in love with you all over again.”
“So?” Jerry said with a smile. “Want me to do you or not?”
“And then there are moments when I think you’re just a pig!” David slapped at Jerry’s chest, laughing in spite of himself when Jerry’s deep rumble of a laugh joined his. Jerry grabbed his wrists and spun him around, David’s back to his chest.
“I love you, David.” Jerry whispered it close to David’s ear. “Still love making you shiver too.”
“I promised you lunch,” David said, turning to face his husband when Jerry loosened his grip. “And I haven’t even started yet.”
“I’ll come and help,” Jerry said as they walked up onto the veranda. “Cory and Tara still here?”
“Sure. Why?”
“Promised them I’d take them out riding this morning and then had to postpone for the doctor’s appointment. We have enough time to go out riding before lunch?”
“Sure,” David confirmed. “What would you like for lunch?” David pulled open the screen door and held up a finger when he turned around. “And don’t say you want me for lunch!” When Jerry came up behind him and pulled their bodies close, he pushed them toward the kitchen, both of them stopping when they found Tara at the sink, washing a glass.
“Oh, sorry, Tara,” David blurted out, pulling away from Jerry. “We didn’t know anyone was downstairs.”
“No problem,” Tara said with a smile. “Reminds me of my parents, actually.”
David and Jerry both knew Tara’s history, thanks to Cory, but didn’t want to let on that they knew why Tara and Wayde had eventually come to live with their grandfather at the ranch just down the road. “If you tell me I remind you of your mother, I’m kicking you out,” David said, his tone teasing.
“Actually,” Tara said, her smile growing. “You’re exact opposites, like my parents were.”
David heard the past tense and wondered why since both of her parents were still living. Well, her mother was alive, but her dad was in what doctors insisted on calling a persistent vegetative state, although that was almost four years ago, so David assumed that Tara and Wayde’s father would now be classified as being in a permanent vegetative state. After some sort of viral infection, their father had developed acute disseminated encephalomyelitis and had fallen into a coma. And their poor mother had experienced what was most euphemistically called a psychotic break, spending days and weeks in her own little world until Tara had had to call her grandfather for help. Tragic, was the only word David could think of to describe what had happened to two of the nicest people he’d ever met.
Tara had never really talked about her family much since it had all happened four years ago, so David figured her bringing it up meant she was looking for someone to maybe listen for a moment or two. And as far as David was concerned, he and Jerry would sit for an hour or seven if that’s what Tara needed.
“Have you seen her since you’ve been back?” David moved a little closer when Tara’s smile faltered. He put an arm around her.
“Cory said he’d take me tomorrow,” Tara said. “But Grandpa says there hasn’t really been any change.”
“We’re still hoping and praying for her, sweetheart,” Jerry moved to sit on the table. Tara smiled and David pointed to the chair beside Jerry, who stood and moved to the opposite side of the table. “We’re here if you’d like to talk about anything. Your parents, the wedding… I know it must be a very bittersweet time for you.”
“Thanks,” Tara said as she sat. “I’ll be fine. Cory’s been really great about everything,” Tara said with a smile. “And my grandpa said he’ll give me away at the wedding, so….”
“Your grandfather is a very honorable man, Tara. One of the best neighbors I’ve ever had.” Jerry reached across and took her hand in his.
“He says really good things about you too.” Tara leaned back in her chair. “It’s funny,” she said, her smile not showing any amusement. “I thought I was refusing Cory all those times because he was in school and I was in school, but….” Tara looked at each man in turn. “The last two times he asked me? He’d already graduated and was working… and I never thought about it until he asked me this last time, and I realized I’d been saying no because I didn’t want to get married without my parents.”
“Oh, sweetie,” David said, his own eyes tearing up, even though Tara was as solid as a rock. “I’m sure they’re sharing it with you, somehow.” David felt foolish for making such a ridiculous statement, but he couldn’t stand how tragic the whole situation was.
“Yeah, I guess,” Tara said, patting David’s hand. “But I finally realized that I can go out and start my life and hope everything will work out, or I can sit around, waiting for everything to go back to the way it was.”
“Just as smart as your grandpa,” Jerry said, offering Tara a wink. “But a helluva lot prettier.”
David shook his head when Tara giggled. He looked over at his husband. This man could charm his way into anyone’s heart. It was something that still amazed David; with just a wink or a couple of words, Jerry could disarm anybody, anywhere and anytime. Although, if Jerry didn’t like certain people, his instinct was toward calling them names and telling them exactly why they were fucked in the head.
Waitresses, cab drivers, receptionists, even cranky public officials—David had seen Jerry work his magic on just about everybody. It was no wonder that David fell head over heels in love with the man. The women would just stare at Jerry, their mouths agape, and the men would act as if Jerry was a long-lost pal, as if they were old fishing buddies, just hanging around and catching up on the good ol’ days.
Tara excused herself from the table and walked to the stairs. When David was sure she was out of earshot, he turned to his husband, shaking his head in disbelief. “How the hell do you do that?”
Jerry just winked and pulled David’s hand between his. “It’s genetic, I think. How we McKenzies get the most attractive mates.” Jerry pulled his husband’s hand up to his mouth and kissed it slowly.
“Jesus,” David sighed. “You’re good.” He laughed when Jerry’s only answer was another wink. “Maybe I can get the psychologist to explain to me how you do that,” David said as he got up and started assembling everything for lunch.
DAVID shook hands with the middle-aged woman who came out to greet him, wondering why she looked nothing like her picture on her website. David had been referred to her by Lenore, since David knew next to nothing about the mental health professionals in Calgary. He followed her to a very somber and relaxing office. She had the walls painted in shades of brown, and her furniture was that soft, butter kind of leather that is incredibly comfortable—but that you don’t want to sit on during a heat wave if you’re wearing shorts.
“Now,” Dr. Berscheid said as she settled herself in her chair. “What I like to explain to all of my patients is that I’m not here to judge. I’m basically a tool.” David looked up when he heard the words and wondered why she would use them in that order. Dr. Berscheid winked and gave a little laugh, her cheeks filling out as she smiled. “Little therapy humor,” she explained, and David couldn’t help but laugh with her. “My goal here is to see if we can’t get you to figure out better questions to ask yourself when you’re feeling anxious or frustrated or angry, to see if we can get you to develop better strategies for dealing with whatever brought you here. Okay?”
“Okay,” David said as he nodded, then put his hands on his lap and waited. He felt rather foolish sitting there and staring at her, suddenly realizing that he should probably say something. “Sorry,” he said, flushing. She offered another smile, and David noticed that her eyes disappeared when she smiled, her cheeks pushing up until her eyes were mere slits behind her sensible glasses. “I feel rather foolish here, since I’m taking my doctorate in psychology right now. I should have all the tools already, right?”
“Do you think a surgeon would operate on himself, even if he had all the skills and tools?”
David nodded. “Sorry,” he said, repeating himself and wondering why he suddenly felt so foolish. “I’m not used to talking about myself. I mean, I do, but….” David rubbed his forehead and looked down at his lap.
“Why don’t we start with you telling me about yourself? Spouse, children, favorite sport, least favorite movie… okay?”
David nodded again. “I’ve been married to an incredible man, Jerry, for seven years—this October—and we have one adopted son and one foster son. William, the adopted son, will be seventeen in January, and Cory just turned twenty-two last month. We live on a ranch—with horses—just outside of the city. I’ve been a schoolteacher for twenty-six years, but have recently made a switch to guidance counselor and already told you about the Ph.D. in psychology.” David stopped to take a breath, then found himself frowning from concentration. He tried to think of something else to say about himself. He suddenly realized that he didn’t really have much else to say. He shrugged and smiled. “I guess that’s about it.”
“That sounds like an ideal life,” Dr. Berscheid said.
“Yes,” David agreed, his smile returning. “It is.”
“Is there anything about your life that you feel you need to discuss?”
“I’ve just been feeling really anxious lately,” David admitted, his hands rubbing up and down on the heavy denim of his jeans.
“About anything in particular?”
“Jerry found… or I should say I found a lump in one of Jerry’s testicles the other day. And before that, I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the pressures of school and work. And then Cory is getting married, probably next spring or summer.”
“Any concerns about the other son?”
“We just found out he’s sexually active, although we’re sure it was just that they got carried away. There was a pregnancy scare because of it, and now he’s heartbroken because the girl’s father doesn’t want her dating a boy who has two fathers.” He took a breath and continued. “And my mother is in the hospital. She and I had not spoken for twenty years or so because she and the rest of my family disowned me when I was twenty-five… sorry,” David said, flushing again. “I’m getting ahead of myself. They disowned me twenty-two years ago because they discovered that I’m gay.” He looked over at the doctor who was sitting quietly and smiling. “My father reconnected a few years ago, and then my sisters followed suit, and now it seems that my mother has also had a change of heart.”
“What do you like to do for fun? Something that’s just for you.”
“I love cooking for my boys,” David said and then opened his mouth to continue, but then closed his mouth. He looked back at her.
“What did you do before all of these events started happening? For fun, I mean.”
“Opera and symphony tickets, occasional social event or brunch supporting a charity….” David looked up at the ceiling as he tried to think of the other activities that had kept him so busy before he’d met Jerry and William. “I’ve traveled extensively, mainly to Europe. I was also a member of the men’s chorus in town, used to go bowling occasionally with a friend and her family.” David tried not to laugh when he thought of bowling with Lenore and Harvey and the twins. Lenore was such a competitive person, but the worst loser on the planet. He brought a finger to his upper lip as he remembered the time she stuffed half of her husband’s fries in her mouth because he’d had the nerve to say her approach was a little off. She’d just about gagged on the fried potatoes, but she was quite convinced that she’d made her point.
“Do you still do any of those activities?”
“Who has the time?” David opened his eyes wide and chuckled to himself.
“Do you miss those activities?”
“Some of them, I miss, but more because of the people that I would get to chat
with—” David suddenly stopped talking. Speaking of his life this way, he realized—all at once—that he’d become preoccupied with everyone else’s life—ensuring that William had as close to perfect adolescence as possible, that Jerry always had a husband he could depend on, that Cory and Tara were settled and happy in their new life in Ontario, and that his family felt included and loved after all those years of separation.
He looked up at Dr. Berscheid and felt very foolish. “Funny how you don’t see what’s right in front of you sometimes, huh?” He saw her smile, and he found himself smiling in response. “There’s one problem solved,” he said, almost to himself. He looked down at his hands and then looked at Dr. Berscheid again. “How do most people deal with the empty nest syndrome?”
“I would imagine most people ensure that they have their own interests, their own activities, independent of or maybe even with their partners.” She waited for a few moments, studying him and then asked, “What do you and Jerry do when it’s just the two of you? If you have an evening to yourselves?”
David felt himself flush, knowing he wouldn’t be able to tell her that they had developed the habit long ago of sneaking a few minutes here or there for blow jobs or hand jobs or just an intense session of kissing and groping. William was still so young and impressionable, and David had refused to take the chance on their son being exposed to any inappropriate touching or yelling or language. So, if William wasn’t asleep, but was otherwise occupied, Jerry would grab David and pull him onto the veranda or into the hall closet or into their own bathroom and do whatever he could manage in three or five minutes. Finally, he shrugged and offered only, “We would probably sleep or… be intimate with each other.”
“Anything else?”
David thought for a moment, but could not really think of anything he and Jerry shared in common, besides the boys and sex. The sex was incredible, but David finally admitted to himself, with some sadness, that even though they loved each other, their relationship had been based on an intense physical attraction and their love for William, and then Cory as well. “Is it a bad sign for us if an intense physical relationship is the only common denominator?”
Roots and Wings Page 12