“I mean about Meredith, Mark. Jesus, you’re stubborn.”
I shrug my shoulder and rub my hand over my face. I’ve had ten years to get used to the idea of seeing her again, and now I’m nervous as hell.
“She’s probably married,” I reply.
“We both know that isn’t true,” he says calmly.
“Look, it’s been a long time. I’m just going to pay my respects to a woman who I loved. Seeing Mer is part of that.” I swallow hard and Luke catches it.
“But?” he asks.
“But it feels like I’m finally saying goodbye to Mer for good too. Like it’s closure on the whole fucking thing.”
Luke sighs and slips his sunglasses on. “I’m sorry, man.”
I shrug one shoulder and concentrate on the freeway. “It is what it is.”
The funeral home isn’t far from our childhood home. There are several cars parked in the parking lot and some people standing outside, talking. Others are coming in and out of the wide red doors of the funeral home.
“Here goes nothing,” I whisper. Jesus, I haven’t been this nervous in years. Luke and I both slam our doors and walk toward the entrance. Luke looks like the millionaire celebrity in a custom designer suit. I’m also in a dark suit with a purple tie. Purple was Addie’s favorite color.
We walk through the front door and nod hello to a few people we know. Mom and Dad are quietly talking with another couple they know and wave at us when they see us then turn back to their conversation.
As we’re walking into the chapel area, I hear her voice.
Her voice.
I stop in my tracks and stare at her, standing up near the closed casket that’s covered in all of Addie’s favorite flowers, talking with the pastor. She’s dabbing at her eyes with a tissue and nodding. She hasn’t seen me yet, so I take a moment and drink in the sight of her.
She’s no longer the young woman I once knew so intimately. I knew every inch of her. I knew what turned her on and what made her squirm. What made her smile. What made her sigh in pleasure.
But better than that, I knew what made her laugh. What made her sad. How to cheer her up and even what she was going to say before she said it.
I knew everything.
She was my world, and even though I know I was too young, nothing will ever erase the way it felt to stand on her front porch and have her tell me she didn’t want me any more. I’ve fought with that particular demon for years.
She turns and sees me, her bright blue gaze locks on mine, and she’s suddenly coming toward me, walking quickly on those tall black heels. Her face crumples and to my utter shock, she launches herself into my arms and holds on with all her strength.
“I can’t believe she’s gone, M,” she whispers and buries her face in my neck, the way she always used to, as if no time has passed at all and my heart feels like someone is stabbing it over and over with an ice pick.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper back and wrap my arms around her, holding her against me. “I’m so sorry about Addie, M.”
“At least I got to spend Christmas with her,” she says and sniffles. “She wanted to make it through Christmas and she did.”
I nod and give in to the moment and kiss her head. Fuck me, she smells the same.
How is that possible?
“I don’t know what else to say, sweetheart,” I murmur and rub her back softly. She’s still so slender. So small. Her hips and breasts seem to have filled out more with womanhood, but she feels just like she always did in my arms.
Like she was born to be here.
Stop it, asshole!
She seems to come to her senses and pulls herself out of my embrace, wiping her eyes. She smiles at Luke.
“Hi, Luke.”
“Nice to see you, Meredith.” He kisses her cheek and leans in to whisper in her ear. She smiles softly and nods up at him when he pulls away.
A man I don’t recognize sidles up next to Mer and wraps his arm around her. “Are you okay, cupcake?”
Cupcake?
Luke and I glance at each other quickly, but a whole chapter of dialogue just passed between us.
Cupcake? Who the fuck calls his girl cupcake? How can she stand that?
And who the fuck is this asshole?
Meredith smiles at him and gestures to us.
“I’m fine, Jax. This is Mark and Luke Williams. They’re both old friends of mine.”
Right. Old friends. I spent the better part of a year inside you, sweetheart.
“This is Jax,” she continues.
Luke and I both nod and suddenly, music starts and the service is about to begin.
We find seats in the middle near our parents while Mer and Jax walk to the front of the room. I watch her walk away, my eyes glaring holes through the arm still wrapped around her shoulders.
She lets him call her cupcake?
“So, she has someone,” I whisper to Luke.
“He might just be a friend.”
I smirk and shake my head. What was I expecting anyway? Some kind of fucking reunion? If that’s what I expected to happen, I would have rushed to her side the minute I found out she was back in Seattle early last year.
Not gonna happen.
The service begins with music and then the pastor talks about Addie and her contributions to the community, her family, and prayers. After a few more words, he asks for volunteers to share stories about Addie. There are photos set up next to the casket. Photos of Addie and Meredith, and family photos from when Meredith was very young.
Meredith stands and walks to the podium, white tissues clutched in her small hand. I wish I were up there with her, to hold her hand while she struggles through this.
“Hi, everyone,” she begins and clears her throat. “Thank you all so much for coming today. Mom would be proud and happy that you all thought so highly of her. She sure loved all of you.”
I clench my hands in my lap and watch, my eyes trained on her face.
I’m so sorry, M.
“You all know that Mom and I lost Dad and Tiffany fifteen years ago,” she begins, referring to the car accident that took her father and sister from them when she was only thirteen. “I guess I just keep reminding myself that Mom’s with them now, and they’re so happy to see each other.”
She has to pause and take a deep breath, and as she does so, her eyes find mine in the crowd. She seems to straighten her shoulders and continue.
“My mom taught me to be a fighter. She always said, ‘No one is going to chase your dreams for you, my love.’ And she was right. She showed me what it is to be a good woman, and to fight for what you believe is the right thing.”
She nods slowly, still watching me. “I will miss her. Every day. But I’m so happy that she’s not sick anymore. She was always so strong, such a strong, strong woman, that being sick this past year just pissed her off.”
We all chuckle and nod, knowing she’s right.
“So, although it’s so hard to say goodbye, I know in my heart that she’s so much happier now. I love you, Mama.”
She returns to her seat and several other friends stand to tell stories of Addie. Some are funny, others just nice.
Finally, I stand, button my jacket, and walk to the podium. When I glance down at Mer in the front row, the fucker Jax has his arm around her shoulders again, rubbing her arm soothingly.
I’ve never wanted to punch someone so badly in my whole life.
“I’m Mark Williams,” I begin and smile wide, looking over at Addie’s coffin. “I couldn’t be here today and not share a story about my Addie.”
Jesus, which story do I tell?
“I’ve known this amazing woman since I was a young man. She used to scare the hell out of me, mostly because I was dating her daughter.”
Everyone chuckles with me, setting me more at ease. “But I quickly learned that Addie was a no-nonsense woman who never met a stranger. She was generous and loyal. And although my relationship with her family changed with tim
e,” I glance down to see fresh tears rolling down Mer’s face and it makes me pause. I clear my throat and continue, “Addie never treated me any differently. I visited with her many times over the years. Cut her grass, or helped her out around the house. And every time I showed up at her house it was as if she hadn’t seen me in years, and she always had a warm hug and a cold glass of lemonade waiting for me.”
I bite my lip and glance to the back of the room, lost in my own thoughts of this special woman.
“Thanks, Addie, for making me feel like your family. You were one awesome lady.”
I smile and return to my seat. Several more people stand to talk and soon another song is played as the pastor gives the benediction.
“Do you boys want to go with us to the reception?” Mom asks and takes my hand in hers when we stand.
“I don’t think so,” I reply. I can’t bear the thought of watching Meredith with that man for the next few hours.
No way.
“I need to get back to Nat and the kids,” Luke says and kisses our Mom’s cheek.
“What you said was really nice, son,” Dad says and claps his hand on my shoulder. “Addie would have liked that.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
I glance around the room one last time and see Mer wiping her eyes and hugging one of her former neighbors.
“Let’s go, man,” I murmur to Luke.
“You don’t want to say goodbye?”
I shake my head and glance over at the most beautiful woman in the room. “I already have.”
We say our goodbyes to our parents and make a hasty exit back to my Jeep.
“Well, that went better than I expected,” Luke comments and sighs.
“It was a funeral, dude. What did you expect to happen?”
“Don’t be an ass. Mer looks great. And she hugged you. That surprised me.”
“She’s grieving.” I shrug like it’s no big deal, but my stomach is still in knots. “I’m familiar. Had I seen her on the street two months ago, it wouldn’t have gone like that.”
“If you say so.”
“What are you trying to do? Set me up with her? She has a man. Cupcake man.”
“Who the fuck calls his woman ‘cupcake’?” Luke asks with a laugh.
“My thoughts exactly. And how in the hell can she stand that?”
“It’s pretty cheesy,” he agrees with a nod. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Come inside,” Luke says when we pull up to his house. “Looks like Jules and Nate are here.”
“I haven’t seen the baby since she was born.” We climb out of the Jeep and when we step inside, we hear Jules and Nat laughing. Nate is lying on the floor on his belly and Livie is climbing all over him.
“We buy her a state-of-the-art jungle gym out back, and all she wants to climb on is Nate,” Luke mutters in disgust.
“I like climbing on Nate myself,” Jules replies and wiggles her brows. “Hey, handsome.” She stands and wraps her arms around me. “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you, beautiful.” I hug her hard and kiss her forehead before she pulls away then I make a beeline for the gorgeous baby girl in Nat’s arms. “My turn.”
“Who knew you’d be such a sucker for the babies?” Nate says and pushes himself up off the floor.
“I’m a sucker for the ladies,” I reply and grin down at a newborn Stella Montgomery McKenna. “Hello, gorgeous girl.”
“It’s kind of hot to see you with a baby,” Nat says thoughtfully.
“I’m glad you approve. It’s good to know the woman I’m going to steal from my brother thinks I’m hot.”
“Not gonna happen,” Luke replies as he passes a sleeping Keaton to Nat then scoops her into his arms, then sits with her in his lap. “Get your own girl.”
“I found one,” I reply and grin down at Stella who is watching me with big, sober blue eyes. “God, Jules, she’s awesome.”
“I know.” She sighs and leans on Nate’s arm, watching us. Livie toddles between Nate’s knees, begging to be held. Nat is holding Keaton.
“It looks like a daycare in here.”
Natalie laughs and kisses her son’s blond head. Where Livie was born with dark hair, her younger brother has light hair like Luke.
“Brynna’s due anytime, right?” Nate asks Jules, referring to her sister-in-law.
“Yep, just a few more weeks.”
“You’re all a bunch of baby making machines. But thanks for taking the pressure off me with Mom and Dad.” I wink at Luke who laughs and gently rubs his fingertips on Keaton’s head.
“You’re welcome. Anytime.”
Stella’s tiny pink lips pucker, and suddenly she lets out a loud wail.
“Oh, okay, this is my cue to leave.” I gently pass the crying baby to her mama and back away with my hands raised in surrender. “I don’t do crying women.”
“Pussy,” Luke taunts me.
“Call me all the names you want. I don’t like to make a girl cry.” I kiss each of the girls on the cheek and back away toward the front door. “Have a good afternoon, guys.”
“Bye!” They all wave and I return to my Jeep and toward the house I recently bought in north Seattle. It’s a fixer-upper, but I got it for a steal, and since I work construction for a living, I figure I can fix it up for a song and flip it for a tidy profit.
Win-win.
I wonder what Mer’s gonna do with her mom’s place? Will she keep it? Live in it? With Jax?
Why does the thought of that make me violent?
Because I still think of her as mine. After all this time, when I think of Meredith, she’s my Meredith. Irrational? Yes.
Stupid? Most definitely.
But I don’t give a fuck.
I take a deep breath and scrub my hand over my face and suddenly feel… heavy. As of right now it feels final. Over. Maybe I held out hope for all of those years that she’d come to her senses and come running back to me. Fuck, I don’t know what I thought. But seeing her today, hugging her so tightly and hearing her voice in my ear call me M, then seeing the other man claim her, finally hammered it home.
She’s not mine. She hasn’t been mine in a very, very long time.
It’s time to move the fuck on.
Chapter Two
Three Months Later
~Meredith~
“Madison, not to be confused with Madeline, so we do not say Maddie, forgot her shoes at home,” Jax says in a hurry as he bustles past me back stage. “So her mom is making a mad dash home to fetch them.”
“It’s fine, we have like thirty minutes,” I say and prop my hands on my hips to survey the area. Little girls are admiring themselves in the mirrors, in their pretty dance tutus and makeup. “I can’t believe we gave in to the tutus,” I mutter.
“The moms like to see them in frilly dance clothes.” Jax shrugs and then laughs when a little girl, while watching herself in the mirror, makes a complete turn, transfixed by the sight before her. “And the girls like it too.”
I nod and then squat to help another girl with her shoes.
Before long, the excitement backstage is mounting. The girls are excited to show their mom and dads what they’ve learned. Or just show off onstage. We have girls of all ages dancing today.
“Ten minutes!” Jax calls out and the little girls all clap excitedly. “Hey, isn’t that your Mr. Hot Tamale in the audience?”
I frown and glance out from the curtain and survey the audience. Sure enough, right there in the front row, is Mark with Luke and his family.
What are they doing here?
I glance back at Jax with what I’m sure is panic written all over my face. He laughs and pats my shoulder. “Go say hi.”
“Oh God.” I clutch my stomach and inwardly cringe when I think of the way I threw myself at him at Mom’s funeral. I don’t know what came over me. I saw him, and it was as if no time had passed at all and I just knew in that moment that he was the only one who could comfort me.
And then I realized what I’d done, and when I pulled away he was aloof and someone I didn’t know.
He didn’t even say goodbye.
I bite my lip and decide what the hell? “I’ll be right back.”
“No hurry, we’re ready back here.” Jax winks and turns his attention to a mom asking about adult classes.
I walk out from backstage and approach Mark and Luke.
“Hi, guys,” I say with a bright smile. “What brings you here?”
It’s then I notice the stunning blonde sitting to Mark’s right, and the baby girl she’s holding.
Holy Jesus, Mary and Joseph, he’s married with a kid?
And that is the sound of my heart shattering and lying on the ground.
“Hi, Meredith,” Luke replies with a smile. Mark’s head jerks around as he takes the baby from his wife.
“What are you all doing here?”
“We’re here to watch,” Luke says and balances a toddler on his knee. “This is my wife, Natalie, and our children, Olivia,” he points to the little girl on his lap and then to the sleeping baby nestled in his wife’s arms, “and Keaton.”
I smile and shake Natalie’s hand and then turn my attention to Mark.
“I see congratulations are in order for you too, Mark.”
He frowns for just a moment and then seems to remember that he’s holding the infant. “Oh! This is Stella,” he kisses her head and my chest aches. Oh God, he looks amazing with a baby in his arms. But it’s not our baby.
Do not cry. Do not freak out. You can get through this. Keep smiling.
“She’s beautiful,” I choke out in the worst monotone voice I’ve ever heard. He’s watching me carefully and the woman beside him is typing furiously on her phone, then looks up at me and smiles.
“Hi! I’m Jules. Sorry, I was just texting my husband. He’s worried about Stella. He always worries.” She laughs and tucks her phone in the Louis Vuitton sitting at her feet. “It’s really very cute.”
“Not your baby, then,” I say to Mark and am mortified to hear the relief in my voice.
“No, Nate might have issues if I had children with Mark.” Jules laughs and nudges him with her shoulder. “Mark might not survive Nate’s wrath if that happened.”
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