“It’s true. He is.”
“Is he asleep?”
“Yes.”
“You said he is Hilde’s son?”
“Oh, Rebecca. It’s a long and complicated story. But I’ll tell you. Hilde had a miscarriage when she returned from Berlin.”
“You mean after she had you and I arrested?”
“Yes.”
“She was distraught, so her husband stole this child from the children’s camp at Ravensbrück where he and Hilde worked. The boy is really a Jewish child. His real name is Moishe Rabinowitz.”
“Do you know anything about his parents?”
“Yes, his mother is dead. She was killed by one of the guards at Ravensbrück whose name was Ilsa Guhr, and she was friends with Hilde. His father’s name is Benjamin Rabinowitz. I never looked for him. I was afraid.”
“How do you know all of this?”
“Because Hilde and her friend Ilsa had me sent to Ravensbrück where I worked as the child’s nanny for the rest of the war.”
“That was where you went the day you disappeared? I was so distraught when I returned from work, and you were gone.” Rebecca said.
“Yes, that was where I was taken.”
“You lived with Hilde?”
“Yes. She later told me that she felt very guilty about what she’d done, so she asked Ilsa, who had influential friends in the party, to bring me to Ravensbrück.”
“That day you disappeared from Auschwitz was the worst day of my life,” Rebecca said. “When I returned to our block that night, you were gone. I didn’t know what to do.”
“I thought of you as I was being driven away. I thought of how you would feel when you got back to our bunk and I was not there,” Gretchen said as she wiped a tear from her eye.
“I was so scared. Sick with worry. I didn’t know what happened to you. As Jan and I took the train here today, I was so terrified that I would not find you. I was afraid . . . you were dead.” Rebecca took Gretchen in her arms again.
“I searched for you after the war. I searched for you and for Eli. I signed up at every displaced-persons camp I could find. And until today I’d lost hope. I was afraid you were both dead.”
“Have you heard anything from Eli?”
“Not a thing. Have you?”
“Nothing,” Rebecca said. “I fear the worst.”
“Yes, so do I, and it hurts me deeply. More deeply than I can ever say,” Gretchen said.
“I know how much you loved him.”
“I did, and I always will. There will never be another man for me,” Gretchen said.
“You’re still young. Don’t say that. You don’t know what God has in store for you.”
“I know that my heart belongs to Eli, now and for the rest of my life.”
“After the war, I was afraid to come back here to your apartment. I was so scared that I would find out that you had not survived. It took Jan two years to finally convince me to make the trip.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“So am I. Oh, Gretchen, so am I. You are the only family, besides Jan, that I have left.”
“You have Jan’s family too?”
“No, we don’t. His father was a Nazi, an SS officer. High up in the party. Jan saved me from him. Not only from him, from all of them. Jan saved my life.”
Gretchen looked from Rebecca to Jan. She had a million questions, but instead, she took Jan’s hand in her own and in a voice just above a whisper she said, “Thank you.” Then as tears ran down her cheeks, she stood up and took a bottle from the shelf. “Let’s have a drink. We have a lot to celebrate,” she said. “I am so happy to see you. I will never be able to express how much I missed you. How afraid I was.” Her voice broke. “Everything is perfect tonight.” Gretchen wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. Then she got a faraway look in her eyes that reflected the sadness she hid deep in her heart. The unspoken words that burned in her soul. “If only Eli were here with us . . . If only he had survived.”
“It is a wonderful night, a perfect night.” Rebecca took Gretchen’s hand and squeezed it gently.
“Well, almost, anyway,” Gretchen said and tried to smile.
“I know.” Rebecca said the words that Gretchen could not say. “This day is one of the best days of my life. It would be perfect if Eli were here.”
Then Gretchen whispered, “If only Eli were here.”
CHAPTER 62
Rebecca and Jan had planned to spend the night in a hotel and head back to Poland the following day. However, Gretchen insisted they stay with her. “I have plenty of room, and I would love to spend a little more time with Rebecca. Would that be all right with both of you?” she asked.
Jan smiled and said, “It’s fine with me. I’ll do whatever Rebecca would like.”
“I’d like to stay the night, Jan.”
“Then it’s settled. Come, both of you. Please follow me. Rebecca knows this room; she’s stayed here before.”
They followed Gretchen to the bedroom in the back of the house.
“Oh my, this room brings back so many memories,” Rebecca said. She gently touched the quilt on the bed. “It’s the same quilt that was here when I stayed here.”
“Yes, I’ve had it for years. My mother made it before she died.”
“How did you ever get your old apartment back?”
“Do you remember Mrs. Kulterman from upstairs?”
“Of course.”
“Her daughter was renting this place when I returned. As soon as the daughter saw me, she insisted that I take back my apartment. She and her husband moved in upstairs with her mother. She said she couldn’t afford to keep this place any longer. But I don’t believe her. I think she was being kind. My father was always good to their family, and I think she remembers.”
“She just gave you the place?”
“Yes, she did. I see her in the hall sometimes; we have coffee together. I remember when her father died, and her mother couldn’t afford to buy food, my father would tell me to bring half of our dinner upstairs to share with them.”
“I never knew your father. I always wished I had,” Rebecca said.
“He was a wonderful man, my father was,” Gretchen said wistfully.
“So what do you think of the room?”
“It’s a lovely room and a very nice apartment,” Jan said. “I am going to bed, so I can give you two ladies some time alone to catch up.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel unwanted,” Rebecca said.
“I know how women like to talk. And let’s face it, the two of you have been through a great deal. I think you deserve some time alone together. I don’t feel unwanted at all.”
“Good night.” Rebecca got up and kissed Jan.
He nodded to both women and then disappeared into the bedroom.
Once Gretchen and Rebecca were alone, Gretchen put on a pot of water for tea.
“Do you remember how we used to sit here at the kitchen table and make tea, just like this? It feels so long ago,” Gretchen said.
“Of course, I remember. How could I ever forget? You did so much for Eli and I. I could never begin to thank you.”
“You don’t have to. You never have to thank me. You are the sister I never had.”
For several moments, there was quiet, then the teapot began to whistle. Gretchen rose quickly and poured the water. She wanted to stop the whistle before it woke anyone.
“Do you like Jan?” Rebecca asked.
“He seems very nice.”
“He is very good to me.”
“Yes, I can see that. I am glad you have found someone.”
Rebecca nodded. She wished there was something comforting she could say about Eli, but all that remained was an awkward silence.
The two women sipped the tea for several minutes then Gretchen said, “I don’t know what to do about Anatole. I know it’s not fair to him to keep the truth a secret, but he is so young.”
“You mean abou
t his being Jewish?”
“Yes, that and all of the rest of it too. I feel like I owe it to him to search for his father. If his father is alive, he deserves to know him. I feel like he deserves to know that he is Jewish and to be proud of his religion. After all the suffering the Jews have endured . . .”
“Yes, I agree with you.”
“But he’s so young, and this will all be so hard for him to understand. Besides that, I don’t want to lose him. If his father is alive, he will want his son back. And how could I ever blame him?”
“But we don’t know if his father is alive. You’re right though. You should at least try to find him. You could wait until Anatole is older, but then you would be running the risk that his father might pass away. And that would rob Anatole of ever knowing him.“
“I never thought about that. Anything might happen. I should see what I can find out about this man called Benjamin Rabinowitz. Even though it hurts me to think about giving up Anatole, I love that little boy too much to deny him this.”
CHAPTER 63
Benjamin Rabinowitz stopped by the florist on his way home from work. For the last three months, he’d had a standing dinner date twice a week with Atara Herskowitz. They would share a quiet dinner at an inexpensive café or deli, and then sometimes they would go back to her apartment where they played cards and enjoyed a cup of tea. Once in a while, they also met for lunch when their schedules permitted. It was still too cold outside to take walks, so they often cuddled next to the heater and talked. Atara told him stories about her wonderful parents and her younger twin sisters. She wept in his arms as she explained that after the war a survivor from Auschwitz, who had known her sisters while they were there, came to her and told her that her sisters had died. They had both been murdered by a horrible, sadistic Dr. Mengele who had used them in an experiment. Atara learned that her mother had been gassed as soon as she arrived at Auschwitz.
“I was originally with them, so I already knew about my mother being murdered,” Atara said, her eyes glassed over. “She waved to me and smiled. 'I’ll be all right,' she said. But, of course, she was not.”
“I’m sorry.” Benjamin held her hand in his and rubbed it gently with his thumb. There was not much else to be said.
“I remember that terrible doctor too. When we first got off the transport, my mother, my sisters, and I were forced out of the train car at gunpoint. Everyone was running. It was utter chaos. But then we were herded into a line. That’s when Dr. Mengele came. He pointed to my sisters who were holding hands. “I’ll take these two,” he said. I never saw them again. The following week I was sent to a special women’s house, where things were done to me that left me unable to have children. These things, I still can’t bear to talk about. From there I was sent to the all-women’s camp called Ravensbrück.”
“There is no need to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable,” Ben said in a soft and sympathetic voice. “I am here for you, and I will listen when and if you ever want to get all of this off your chest.”
“You are very kind,” she said, squeezing his hand.
Ben told Atara about Lila and Moishe and about Zelda too. He told her about the Lodz ghetto, Rumkowski, and Caleb too.
Ilsa perked up. She was interested.
“Were you in the Lodz ghetto?” he asked.
“No. We lived in Germany, my parents and I. Then when my father died from the flu epidemic before the war began, my mother, my sisters, and I moved to Warsaw to live with my mother’s sister and her husband.
“What was Lila like? You did say your wife’s name was Lila?” Until now, Ilsa had not been sure that Ben was Moishe’s father and Lila’s husband. She’d suspected, but this gave her the confirmation she needed. How strange it felt to be sitting beside him and hearing his story all the while she was aware that he did not know that she’d played an integral part in all of it. Ben gazed at her with gentle, caring eyes—innocent eyes. The poor man had no idea that she was the reason Lila would never return to him. Sometimes she found his naïveté charming. Other times she laughed at him inwardly for being such an idiot.
“Headstrong. She was difficult, but she was my wife, and she did the best she could for our son. God be with her wherever she may be,” he answered with a sad smile as he remembered. “Lila was a good mother to our Moishe. And he was the light of my life.”
“I never had any children,” she said, looking down at the ground and sniffling as if she might cry at any moment. I am such a good actress, she thought.
He shook his head. “We all suffered so much . . .”
CHAPTER 64
Ilsa Guhr was in her apartment sitting on a chair in front of the night table by her bed. She was removing her makeup with thick, white cold cream. In spite of herself, she found that she liked Benjamin Rabinowitz. He was different than any man she’d ever known. He treated her with kindness and respect. She had grown to like him so much that she felt guilty about lying to him. She wished she hadn’t had to make up the stories about her family or lie to him about being a Jewish survivor. What the hell is the matter with you, Ilsa? Are you getting soft? He’s a Jew. You must not forget that. If he ever found out who and what you are, he would hate you. And although he seems to be a good person, the truth is that he is nothing but a tricky subhuman. A very attractive one, yes, but a subhuman nonetheless.
CHAPTER 65
Ben enjoyed the time he spent with Atara. She filled the emptiness in his life but only to some extent. She was a nice person. When she told him that she’d turned her back completely on God and religion, he understood her. Ben believed that she was a good-hearted Jewish woman who had gone through hell, just as he had, and it had left her with deep scars. If he took the time to evaluate his feelings, which he often did, he liked her, but there was something inside him that was stopping him from falling in love again. He decided it was fear. All the loss he’d endured during the war had built a protective barrier inside him that kept him from sharing his heart the way he once had.
Ben liked Levi and his family a great deal. They were open and honest people, not as religious as Ben’s bosses at work, but they did celebrate Shabbat with a special dinner each Friday night. Ben enjoyed these ritualistic moments. They brought him back to his childhood when his mother had said the prayers covering her eyes over the Shabbos candles. The first time Levi had asked him to join the family for Shabbat he wept. As he looked around the table, his heart and mind were clouded with tender memories. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he recalled his wife, Lila, and their son during Shabbat dinners. He thought of Zelda and how she’d tried to keep the Sabbath even in the Lodz ghetto. Remembering the faces of Solomon and Sarah, her wonderfully inquisitive children, made his heart ache. No one from his past had ever contacted him. He had no choice but to assume they were all dead. The very thought of those children taken from the earth before they’d had the chance to taste the sweetness of life, sickened him. He tried to wipe the thoughts from his mind, but it was impossible. Often, during the course of his day, in his mind’s eye he would see little Moishe’s smile just the way it was the last time his mother had carried him out of their flat in the ghetto. What would his Moishe have done with his life if things had been different? What would Zelda’s children have become? It was pointless and painful to think about, yet he could not control his thoughts.
Ben told Levi that he had been seeing a woman. “Her name is Atara. She, like me, is a survivor of a concentration camp,” Ben explained.
“I’m glad you met someone. No one should live out their lives alone. Perhaps you might like to invite her for Shabbos dinner this Friday night? We would love to have her.”
The next time Ben saw Atara he invited her to come to Shabbos dinner, but she declined. She said it brought back too many memories of the past for her, and the pain was too great to bear. Ben told her he understood and respected her feelings. He also said that if she ever changed her mind he was sure that Levi and his family would love to have her.
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CHAPTER 66
Every morning, Gretchen would dress Anatole and then walk him to school. Then she went to work at the local hospital cleaning rooms, washing down bedpans, and scrubbing floors.
As she scrubbed the floor in the hall of the hospital she let her thoughts drift. Once, long ago, I planned to go to university. I had such wonderful dreams of what my life would be like. Of course, that was before Hitler. What a curse that man was on Germany. Not only Germany but the entire world. How sweet and idealistic I’d been as a young girl. I fell so deeply in love with Eli. Even now I can remember how devastatingly handsome he was with his dark hair and deep somber eyes. Those wonderful eyes of his were always filled with kindness and wisdom. She smiled when she thought of him. When she first saw him she’d been afraid of his black coat and payot, the uniform of a Hasidic man. But as she came to know him, she’d found everything about him, even his religious beliefs, wildly intriguing. If Hitler had not come to power I know that Eli and I would have found a way to be together. It would have been difficult. His family would have probably been resistant to having a Gentile daughter-in-law. But our love was so strong that I am certain it would have prevailed. Gretchen looked down at the floor she was washing and at her raw hands, red from scrubbing. She felt tears sting the backs of her eyelids.
There was no point in thinking about the past: it only depressed her.
For months after Rebecca’s visit, Gretchen fought an internal battle. She felt it was only right that she search for Benjamin Rabinowitz and if she found him, tell him about his son. I am holding on to this child because he is all I have. Once he is gone, there will be nothing left for me. I am so happy for Rebecca that she has found her true bashert, but I wish she and Jan lived closer. I would love to be able see her more often. We swore we would keep in touch. But she has her life now, and I don’t know if or when she will return to Germany. And I don’t earn enough money to travel to Poland. I am a German woman in Berlin, under Russian occupation. I am lucky to have a job and a place to live.
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