by Dana Mason
“Go ahead. I won’t look.”
He turned his head and looked out at the lake while Bailey gently hopped up with him.
“Oh shit…” She went to step back down, but Ryan turned when she cursed.
“What’s wrong?”
“Don’t look.”
“Oh, sorry.” He turned his head. “What are you doing?”
“I forgot the whiskey.”
Ryan laughed. “Tragic.”
“I know, right?” She grabbed the bottle, then stepped back up and knelt next to him.
“You can lie down.”
“Uh…okay, turn your head again.” He did, and she shifted and lay next to him, looking up at the sky. “Do you have any sunscreen?”
“You won’t need it. The sun will duck below the mountains before you burn.”
She looked toward the sunset and knew he was right. The sun felt so good. Bailey thought of the rays as little beams of rejuvenation shining down on her, healing her wounds. She smiled at the thought. Her mother would have loved that, nature healing her wounds and her broken heart. It was the sort of thing she would have said to Bailey, and it worked. She felt better already. Maybe it wasn’t the sun. Maybe it was her mother, watching over, keeping them safe.
Bailey felt safe, but she also felt a little empty. The sun couldn’t fill that void. It was time to end it with Dex. Things had been going south for a long time, and she didn’t need to waste her time with someone who didn’t want to commit in any way to their relationship. She knew Dex cared for her, just as she cared for him, but she needed to get on with her life. The sad thing was, she wasn’t that upset about it.
Ryan had been right again. He kept telling her to stop hooking up with tourists and snow dogs. They broke her heart every time, and he sat back and watched over and over, trying to warn her.
She sat up and poured herself another whiskey, then added some to his glass. “You’re right. It’s nice and peaceful out here.”
“I’m right about a lot of things.”
She stiffened. “If you’re going to rub Dex in my face, just take me back home.”
“I wasn’t being specific to Dex, but since you brought it up.” He opened his eyes and squinted at her. “What was his excuse this time?”
“It doesn’t matter. He called me again while you were getting the food. I broke up with him.”
“Really?” Ryan sat up to face her.
“I’ve tried. It’s just…it’s not working, and I won’t waste my time anymore.”
“Good,” he said and took a long drink from his glass. “I guess that solves the problem of him staying the night when we’re both living in the house.”
“Uh, kind of, yeah, but Ryan, I won’t be single forever. At some point, I’m going to want to bring someone home.”
He looked at her and swallowed. “I know that. So will I.”
“Okay. I just want you to know, so it’s not a surprise. I don’t want you fighting with every guy I date.”
He nodded and took another long drink. “I get it, Bay.”
She studied the sunset as the sky grew darker. “What time do the fireworks start?”
“Should be any time now. Are you okay? Should I turn a light on for you?”
“No, I’m fine. I like the lake when it’s dark.”
He grinned. “Most girls get scared.”
“I know, but not me. It never gets this dark in town. Out here, the stars are brighter, and there’s a richness to the air.” She felt the whiskey blurring the edges of her thoughts. She was talking too much, just like she always did when she drank. With that, she picked up the bottle and poured herself another.
“Yeah…yeah.” Ryan nodded then stood and stepped down from the deck.
“Where are you going?”
“Don’t move. I don’t want you to fall overboard in the dark.”
She saw his silhouette as he stepped down into the cabin. He poked his head up a minute later and asked, “Are you ready to eat?”
“Yeah. What did you bring?”
“Sandwiches and potato salad. Is that okay?”
“Is it Lucas’ potato salad?”
“Duh. Of course.”
She grinned. “Sounds perfect.”
He came back a minute later with two beers, two sodas, and a bag of food. He also had a small battery-operated lantern. It was dim, just bright enough to light a couple square feet.
“I didn’t know what you wanted to drink with your food.”
“Beer. Definitely beer.” She snickered.
“Okay, she’s on a mission to drink as much as she can and puke on my boat,” he said as if she couldn’t hear him.
“Shut up. You know I never puke.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.”
“What were you doing?” she asked, unwrapping a sandwich.
“I had to write that down…richness to the air. It was lyrical.”
“Oh, funny, I’ve never been called lyrical before.”
“You’re lyrical all the time. I’m always writing down stuff you say to use later in my songs.”
She snorted out a laugh and tried not to choke. “I didn’t know that. Are you working on a song now?”
“I’m always working on a song. I’ve written this great melody. Now I’m just looking for the right lyrics to go with it.”
“Yeah, what type of song? What’s it going to be about?”
“Love.”
“Really? And do you love someone right now?” She was kidding really, but she was curious why he was writing a song about love when he wasn’t currently dating anyone.
“I didn’t say it was about me.”
“Oh…okay. What else have I said that you wrote down?”
Ryan was about to name another, but the first firework cracked above their heads. Bailey put her sandwich down and drank some beer before resting back down to watch. There were several boats nearby, and she could hear people oohing and aahing at the show.
Ryan lay next to her, and they stayed quiet until the show was over. Her world was spinning from the alcohol, and she liked it. Numbness felt good after the last few weeks of constantly feeling bad. Numbness was always preferred to pain. Sad but true. When the fireworks stopped, she sat up and took a few bites of her sandwich. Ryan must have noticed she was struggling because he chuckled at her. Not that he wasn’t having some difficulties of his own.
“Don’t laugh. You’re just as buzzed as I am.”
“Am not.” He stood then swayed and plopped back down on the deck.
“Yeah, mhm,” she said, wrapping her sandwich and pushing it aside so she could lie back down.
Ryan cleaned up their dinner and put everything away so they didn’t knock anything into the water. When he came back, he handed her a blanket. “Here. You must be cold.”
She looked over at him. He’d put his shirt back on. “No, not really.”
He laid it within arm’s reach as he stepped back up, taking another drink before lying down next to her.
They stayed that way for a long time, silent, the sway of the lake relaxing them. Bailey realized that was one of her favorite things about Ryan. He was so seldom quiet, but when they were together, they could both sit in comfortable silence.
Her mother used to tell her they were both thinkers. Ryan was absolutely a thinker. He was always questioning things, but not Bailey. She took things as they came, and usually without question. When she thought about it again, she realized that wasn’t always true and definitely not where her past was concerned.
And why did she keep referring to it as her past? She had nothing to do with the decisions that were made back then, but she didn’t know how else to refer to it. Her abandonment? Her adoption? Her mother and father’s lie? Ha! Yeah, that was it. She could refer to it as her family’s dirty secret. How sad was that? She was her family’s dirty secret.
God. How had this happened? As she stared up at the sky, she thought about the universe. So many unanswered questions. Her ent
ire life was one. With her parents gone, all she had left was a handful of friends. A small group, but they were, each one of them, important to her.
The healing feeling she’d gotten from the sun was gone, and now the stars glared down at her, their brightness a reflection of her anger, each one representing a loss in her life. No mother, no father, no past, no name, no one to love, and no one who loved her.
She wondered what Ryan saw when he looked at the stars. What did the brightness represent to him? Was it positive, or did he feel sorry for himself, too? Did he see butterflies and rainbows, music notes and smiles? Or was it monsters and demons, dragons and fire?
“Ryan, what do you see?” she whispered into the darkness.
“I see you.”
He said it so quietly, she had to turn to look at him. Ryan wasn’t watching the stars as she had been. He was watching her.
“What do you see?” she asked again.
“I see you. I only wish you did, too.”
“Is the sight as pathetic as I imagine?” Her voice slurred a little.
He reached a hand out to touch her face. “It’s musical and beautiful.”
Bailey wanted to snort out a laugh, but the intenseness in his voice wasn’t funny.
“I wish you could see that, too,” he whispered again.
She wanted to cry. He was all she had left. Her relationship with Ryan was the only thing solid in her life, and she knew, even in her alcohol haze, they were about to change it.
He leaned over and gently brushed a kiss on her lips. It was achingly gentle, unfamiliar, yet so intimate, she craved more.
She couldn’t hear anything but their breathing and the sound of water lapping against the boat. The iPhone was playing “Sideways” by Citizen Cope, soft and slow, but more meaningful than she wanted to admit. Where had all the other people gone? The other boats? Were they alone? Did it matter? No, only Ryan mattered, and the feel of his satin lips as they caressed her face.
Ryan pulled away and inhaled sharply. “I’m sorry.”
She heard him as if he were screaming, yet, it was just a whisper.
Sorry? Sorry for what? Her stomach bottomed out, and she stared at him in a new light. Not literally, she could hardly see him in the dark. But seeing now in a different sense. Not visual, more like intuition telling her what she had already known but failed to recognize. Ryan was beautiful and sexy. His touch was smooth and deliberate, and she wanted him to touch more of her. She’d beg if she had to. She’d cry and scream and force him to want her as much as she wanted him in that moment.
How had she missed seeing him over the years? How had his smile not reached down and clutched her heart, and how had the sound of his voice not filled her with longing? Or had it? Had all those wonderfully beautiful things actually happened without her acknowledging their existence?
Would Bailey have to trade friendship for all that beauty? Nowhere in her life could she be so lucky to have both. Until now, she had ignored the wonderful and traded it for the secure, but could she keep it up? Could she hide her desires in order to preserve that friendship? Not tonight. She needed him more tonight than she’d ever needed anything in her life. Did he know that? Could she have one night with him, then wake up tomorrow and have everything back to the way it was?
She reached up, pulled the hat from his head, and ran her fingers through his wild hair. Her hand felt heavy, like dead weight, but the strands of silk slid through like flowing water.
His hand rested on her waist, the pressure a welcome friend, his fingers massaging as they pulled her closer to him, his chest warm, soft, and smelling like fresh air. Bailey breathed him in, dizzy from the sensation. No high in the world could compete with this. Her inhibitions and walls were gone for the first time in her life. She felt completely comfortable with him. No insecurities or questions, just the feel of him as he touched her. Did he feel as comfortable with her?
She hoped, for his sake, this was just a physical need, a cure for the lonely, and nothing more. She could live with the broken heart of tomorrow, but she wouldn’t wish it on him for all the pleasure in the world.
She reached up and pulled the ribbon lying across her shoulder, untying the sheath of fabric between them. Ryan’s eyes glazed over in longing as he watched her. Once untied, she slid her hand down his back and pulled at the hem of his t-shirt. He tugged it over his head, pushing his hair in all different directions. If Bailey wasn’t so besotted, she would have laughed at him, but all she wanted now was to taste him.
Her mouth found his chest, touching him like a lover for the first time, and it made her heart ache for more. She’d never wanted anything like she wanted him now.
He seemed just as urgent to have her, but he held back. She wondered what his hesitation was about, but she didn’t dare ask. She didn’t dare speak at all, afraid she’d wake and find herself in a dream.
Then she heard his voice. It broke the silent night like a song. “Bailey, is this what you want?” His words were breathy, almost pained, and she wondered if he were afraid of waking from a dream, too.
“Yes,” she breathed, pulling her lips from his warm skin. She tugged down the front of her new dress and pressed against him. His smooth chest was like a blanket of silk against her breasts.
With reverence, he touched her, softly, caressing as if she would break. First her neck, then along her collarbone, then, with a hitch in both their breathing, he cupped her breast in his hand.
Never had anticipation built in her like it was now. What would he feel like inside her? She thought of how beautifully he played the piano and wondered if he would play her just as well. Could he untangle the mass of nerves now pulsing through her? She sighed when his mouth came down on her nipple, and her mind blanked on everything but the sensation of him.
* * *
Ryan knew he should’ve stopped long ago. She was drunk, but shit, so was he. He tried to stop, but when their eyes met, her expression pulled him back in. God, the taste of her, and the feel of her, he’d always wondered what it would be like, but he never imagined it would be this good.
He swayed over her in rhythm with the boat, but before he nestled deeper into her, he ran a mental checklist. Boat anchored, check, safe location to spend the night, check, enough gas to get back in the morning, check, condom in the cabin, check, check, check.
He pulled her dress down farther and looked at the glow of her skin in the faint moonlight. It shone silver and sparkled like glitter, or was that the reflection of the water? He couldn’t be sure. Ryan wasn’t sure of anything except how much he wanted her. He had to go slow; he had to consider how new this was to her. She’d never looked at him in any way but friendship, and now he had his hand on her bare breast, aching from the need to take more.
Damn, he was a jerk or a pervert…or hell…a motherfucker for touching her after she drank so much. He couldn’t help himself. She was everything to him, and now he wanted to have every part of her, finally.
“Bailey.” He looked into her shining eyes, so full of fascination he almost changed his mind. “I don’t think this is a good idea.” Yes, reason finally took control of his brain. He wasn’t a pervert after all. He shook his head at the thought. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to…”
“Ryan, please, don’t stop. I want this. You feel so good. Just don’t stop.”
“But, Bay…” He brushed the hair from her forehead.
“We’ll worry about it tomorrow.”
Worry about it tomorrow. Could he live with that logic? What if tomorrow was too late? “Are you sure?”
“Yes, yes.” Her breath brushed his face, and his body reacted in turn. He ground against her, and she whispered yes again.
Ryan took her mouth, sure he couldn’t turn back from here. She was all he needed. If he could just have her—even only once. That thought tightened his stomach. No, he couldn’t live with just once.
She felt like perfection and tasted like sweet deliverance. He licked the skin
between her breasts then moved to pull a long, torturous kiss from her lips. When he lifted up and stepped off the stern deck, he took her hand. She came willingly, letting her dress slide off as they moved to the cabin bed.
His gaze couldn’t focus on anything except her luminous skin and swollen breasts. When he could lift his eyes, they rested on her smiling lips. He laid her down then leaned over her in the dark, fighting to control everything: his breathing, his need, and his eagerness to give her everything and take it all at the same time.
She needed tender, not quick, and he would give her tender if it killed him.
CHAPTER NINE
When Ryan woke, sunlight was streaming through the cabin door, left ajar. He rolled over and lost the blanket covering his naked body. When he reached for Bailey, she was gone. That jolted him from his drowsy state. He looked around, but she wasn’t there. He pulled on his shorts and climbed up on deck.
Bailey was sitting on the stern deck, wrapped in a blanket under the morning sun, her head bowed and her body heaving with sobs. Ryan went to her quietly. It was the first time he’d seen her cry since before her mother died. He climbed up and sat next to her, not sure what to do, but sure he needed to touch and comfort her.
“Bay, it’s okay.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She had her face in her hands, buried in the blanket. Ryan helplessly patted and rubbed up and down on her arms. He didn’t know what to say, but he would’ve sold his soul to fix whatever was wrong.
“Bailey, please, stop and talk to me so I can help.”
She inhaled deeply, and her body was still for a moment. Then she wiped her face with the blanket before looking up at him. Her swollen eyes looked like she hadn’t slept all night.
“Why are you crying, sweetheart?”
“I’ve lost everything now,” she said, the corners of her mouth drooping as the words rushed from her mouth.
“No, you haven’t.”
A tear streamed down her face, and she nodded. “You…” She stopped and squeezed her eyes shut, then tried again. “You were the only thing I had left, and now I’ve ruined it.”