Closing Time

by Joseph Heller

  "I get a lot of character references. Heavy water? Yes? That's what it's called? What is heavy water?"

  "It's heavy water."

  "Yes, I see. And what is the gas?"

  "Tritium. But that's not the point."

  "Who makes heavy water?"

  "Chaplain Tappman does, for one. Milo, I want to find him and get him back before anything happens to him."

  "And I want to help," promised Milo, "before Harold Strange-love, General Electric, or one of my other competitors does. I can't thank you enough for coming to me with this, Yossarian. You're worth your weight in gold. Tell me, which is worth more, gold or tritium?"

  "Tritium."

  "Then you're worth your weight in tritium. I'm busy today, but I must find that chaplain and sneak a man inside with the scientists interrogating him to establish ownership."

  "How will you manage that?"

  "I'll simply say it's in the national interest."

  "How will you prove it?"

  "By saying it twice," answered Milo, and flew off to Washington for his second presentation of the new secret bomber he had in mind that made no noise and could not be seen.

  6

  Milo

  "You can't hear it and you can't see it. It will go faster than sound and slower than sound."

  "Is that why you say your plane is sub-supersonic?"

  "Yes, Major Bowes."

  "When would you want it to go slower than sound?"

  "When it's landing, and perhaps when it's taking off."

  "Absolutely, Mr. Wintergreen?"

  "Positively, Captain Hook."

  "Thank you, Mr. Minderbinder."

  They were meeting one level belowground in the basement of MASSPOB, the new Military Affairs Special Secret Projects Office Building, in a circular chamber with Lucite walls of ocean blue illuminated with bowed lines of longitude over warped continents and vivid free-form sculptured panels of fighting fish at war with swooping birds of prey. On the wall behind the barbered heads of the curving row of questioners was a condor with colossal wings and rapacious golden talons. All present were male. No transcript was authorized. These were men of keen intellect and their collective memory was reference enough. Two were already stifling yawns. All took for granted that the room was bugged anyway. Proceedings of such a sort were too secret to remain confidential.

  "Will it go faster than light?" inquired a colonel in the half circle of experts flanking the presiding figure in dead center, who sat on a chair higher than the rest.

  "It will go almost as fast."

  "We can rev it up to go even faster than light."

  "There would be some increase in fuel consumption."

  "Wait a minute, please wait just one minute, Mr. Minderbinder, let me ask something," slowly cut in a puzzled civilian with a professorial demeanor. "Why would your bomber be noiseless? We have supersonic planes now, and they surely make noise with their sonic booms, don't they?"

  "It would be noiseless to the crew."

  "Why should that be important to the enemy?"

  "It could be important to the crew," emphasized Milo, "and no one is more concerned about those kids than we are. Some of them may be aloft for months."

  "Maybe years, with the refueling planes we recommend."

  "Will they be invisible too?'

  "If you want them to be."

  "And make no noise?"

  "The crew won't hear them."

  "Unless they slow down and allow the noise to catch up."

  "I see, Mr. Wintergreen. It's all very clever."

  "Thank you, Colonel Pickering."

  "How large is your crew?"

  "Just two. Two are cheaper to train than four."

  "Absolutely, Mr. Minderbinder?"

  "Positively, Colonel North."

  The officer in the center was a general, and he cleared his throat now as a proclamation of intent. The room fell still. He treasured the suspense.

  "Does light move?" he demanded finally.

  A leaden silence ensued.

  "Light moves, General Bingam," Milo Minderbinder sprang in finally, with relief that he could.

  "Faster than anything," ex-PFC Wintergreen added helpfully. "Light is just about the fastest thing there is."

  "And one of the brightest too."

  Bingam turned dubiously to the men on his left. A few of them nodded. He frowned.

  "Are you sure?" he asked, and swiveled his sober mien to the specialists on his right.

  A few of these nodded fearfully too. Some glanced away.

  "That's funny," Bingam said slowly. "I see that light standing on the corner table and it looks perfectly still."

  "That's because," offered Milo, "it's moving so fast."

  "It's moving faster than light," said Wintergreen.

  "Can light move faster than light?"

  "Certainly."

  "You can't see light when it's moving, sir."

  "Absolutely, Colonel Pickering?"

  "Positively, General Bingam."

  "You can only see light when it isn't there," said Milo.

  "Let me show you," said Wintergreen, surging to his feet impatiently. He snapped off the lamp. "See that?" He switched the lamp back on. "Notice any difference?"

  "I see what you mean, Gene," Bingam said. "Yes, I'm beginning to see the light, eh?" General Bingam smiled and inclined himself along the arm of his chair. "Put simply, Milo, what does your plane look like?"

  "On radar? It won't be seen by the enemy. Not even when armed with all its nuclear weapons."

  "To us. In photographs and drawings."

  "That's secret, sir, until you get us some funding."

  "It's invisible," added Wintergreen, with a wink.

  "I understand, Eugene. Invisible? It's beginning to sound like the old Stealth."

  "Well, it is a bit like the old Stealth."

  "The B-2 Stealth?" cried Bingam with shock.

  "Only a little bit!"

  "But better than the Stealth," Milo put in hastily.

  "And much prettier."

  "No, it's not like the old Stealth."

  "Not the least little bit like the old Stealth."

  "I'm glad of that." Bingam relaxed again onto his armrest. "Milo, I can say with confidence that all of us here like what I'm hearing from you today. What do you call your wonderful new airplane? We'll have to know that much."

  "We call our wonderful new plane the M & M E & A Sub-Supersonic Invisible and Noiseless Defensive Second-Strike Offensive Attack Bomber."

  "That's a decent name for a defensive second-strike offensive attack bomber."

  "It sort of suggested itself, sir."

  "One moment, Mr. Minderbinder," objected a skinny civilian from the National Security Council. "You talk about the enemy as though we have one. We have no enemies anymore."

  "We always have enemies," contradicted a contentious geopolitician who also wore rimless spectacles, and considered himself just as smart. "We must have enemies. If we have no enemies, we have to make them."

  "But we face no superpower at this time," argued a fat man from the State Department. "Russia is collapsed."

  "Then it's time for Germany again," said Wintergreen.

  "Yes, there's always Germany. Do we have the money?"

  "Borrow," said Milo.

  "The Germans will lend," said Wintergreen. "So will Japan. And once we have their money," added Wintergreen triumphantly, "they have to make sure we win any war against them. That's another good secret defensive feature of our wonderful offensive defensive attack bomber."

  "I'm glad you pointed that out, Gene," said General Bingam. "Milo, I want to run for the gold with this one and make my recommendation."

  "To the little prick?" Milo burst out with hope.

  "Oh, no," Bingam replied with a humoring jollity. "It's still too soon for Little Prick. We'll need at least one more meeting with strategists from the other services. And there are always those damned civilians near the President, li
ke Noodles Cook. We'll need leaks to newspapers. I want to start building support. You're not the only one after this, you realize."

  "Who are the others?"

  "Strangelove is one."

  "Strangelove?" said Milo. "He's no good."

  "He bullshits," charged Wintergreen.

  "He was pushing the Stealth."

  "What's he up to now?"

  "He has this thing called a Strangelove All-Purpose Do-It-Yourself Defensive First Second or Third Strike Indestructible Fantastic State-of-the-Art B-Ware Offensive Attack Bomber."

  "It won't work," said Wintergreen. "Ours is better."

  "His name is better."

  "We're working on our name."

  "His Strangelove All-Purpose Do-It-Yourself Defensive First Second or Third Strike Indestructible Fantastic State-of-the-Art B-Ware Offensive Attack Bomber can't compare with our M & M E & A Sub-Supersonic Invisible and Noiseless Defensive Second-Strike Offensive Attack Bomber," said Milo curtly.

  "Nothing he does ever works, does it?"

  "I'm glad to hear that," said General Bingam, "because you're the buddies I'm backing. Here's his new business card. One of our security agents stole it from one of the security agents in another unit of procurement with which we are just about ready to go to war openly. Your bomber will help."

  The business card passed down was emblazoned with the double eagle of the Austro-Hungarian Empire and with engraved lettering in auburn gold that read: Harold Strangelove Associates

  Fine Contacts and Advice

  Secondhand Influence Bought and Sold

  Bombast on Demand

  Note: The information on this business card is restricted Milo was downcast. The card was better than his.

  "Milo, all of us are in the race of the century to come up with the ultimate weapon that could lead to the end of the world and bring everlasting fame to the victor who uses it first. Whoever sponsors that baby could be elevated to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and I, Bernard Bingam, would like to be that man."

  "Hear, hear!" chorused the officers on both sides of General Bingam, who beamed in shy surprise, while the stout civilian and the slim civilian were mum and disconsolate.

  "Then you better move quickly, sir," threatened Wintergreen churlishly. "We don't like to sit on our asses with a hot product like this one. If you guys don't want it--"

  "Of course, Eugene, of course. Just give me some good sales copy so that we'll know what we are talking about when we talk to people about what you've been talking about to us today. Not much detail, or we might have trouble. Just a few glowing paragraphs of very hard sell, and maybe some drawings in color to give us an idea of what it's going to look like. They don't have to be accurate, just impressive. And we'll all move along as fast as we can. As fast as light, eh? And, Milo, there's one more troubling question I have to ask."

  "Me too," said the fat man.

  "I have one also," said Skinny.

  "It's touchy, so I apologize beforehand. Will your planes work? Will they do the job you say they will? The future of the world may depend on it."

  "Would I lie to you?" said Milo Minderbinder.

  "When the future of the world may depend on it?" said ex-PFC Wintergreen. "I would sooner lie to my ex-wife."

  "You've given me the assurances I need."

  "General Bingam," said Wintergreen, with the pained solemnity of a man taking umbrage, "I understand what war is like. In World War II, I dug ditches in Colorado. I served overseas as a PFC. I sorted mail in the Mediterranean during the Normandy invasion. I was right there on D day, in my mailroom, I mean, and it was not much bigger than this room we're in today. I stuck my neck out with stolen Zippo cigarette lighters for our fighting men in Italy."

  "I did that with eggs," said Milo.

  "We don't have to be reminded of all that's at stake. No one in this room has a stronger awareness of my responsibilities or a deeper commitment to fulfill them."

  "I'm sorry, sir," said General Bingam humbly.

  "Unless it's you, General, or Mr. Minderbinder here. Or your colleagues at the table with you, sir. Jesus Christ, I knew those fucking bastards were going to want something," Wintergreen complained, when the two of them were out of the conference room.

  Together they moved through the convoluted basement complex that teemed with men and women of ebullient demeanor hurrying briskly along on official business in mufti and uniform. The whole fucking bunch of them, Wintergreen noted in a subdued growl, seemed affluent and clean, aseptic, and too fucking self-assured. The women in uniform all seemed petite, except for those who were commissioned officers, and they loomed larger than life. And every fucking one of them, Wintergreen muttered with his eyes down guiltily, looked fishy, fishy.

  Continuing toward the elevators, they passed a sign pointing off to the Department of Justice. In the next passageway was another directional arrow, this one black, leading to a shortcut to the new National Military Cemetery. The public area of the new MASSPOB building, with its scintillating shopping center in the soaring atrium, was already the second most popular tourist attraction in the nation's capital; the first most popular was the newest war memorial. One needed special top-secret MASSPOB credentials to go higher and lower than the stacked-up promenades and open mezzanines with their plenitude of nouveau art deco newsstands, food counters, and souvenir shops and their celebrated sideshows, dioramas, and "virtual reality" shooting galleries, which had already excelled in international architectural competitions.

  On their right in the basement, an iridescent red arrow like a flaming missile carried their eyes to a directional sign announcing: Sub-Basements A-Z

  The arrow angled downward suddenly to a closed metal door marked:

  EMERGENCY ENTRANCE

  KEEP OUT

  VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT

  This was guarded by two uniformed sentinels, who seemed stationed at the emergency entrance to keep people away. A large yellow letter S against a glossy background of black gave comforting reminder that a new old-fashioned bomb shelter had been installed for the convenience and protection of visitors and employees.

  At the elevators were other guards, who would not talk even to each other. Inside the elevator was a TV monitor. Milo and Wintergreen did not speak or move, even when back upstairs in the main lobby of the real world, where tour guides were leading tour groups from tour buses parked beyond the revolving doors in the area reserved at the front entrance. They did not converse again until they were outside in a light spring drizzle and walking away from the august special-secret-projects building in which their meeting had just taken place.

  "Wintergreen," whispered Milo finally, "will these planes of ours really work?"

  "How the fuck should I know?"

  "What will they look like?"

  "I guess we have to find that out too."

  "If the future of the world is going to depend on it," reasoned Milo, "I believe we ought to make this deal while the world is still here. Otherwise we might never get paid."

  "We'll need some drawings. That fucking Strangelove."

  "And some copy for a leaflet. Who can we get?"

  "Yossarian?"

  "He might object."

  "Then fuck him," said Wintergreen. "Let him object. We'll ignore the fuck again. What the fuck! What the fuck fucking difference does it make if the fuck objects or not? We can ignore the fucking fuck again, can't we? Shit."

  "I wish," said Milo, "you wouldn't swear so much in the nation's capital."

  "Nobody but you can hear me."

  Milo looked hesitant. The gentle sun shower sprinkled raindrops around him through a prismatic haze that circled his brow like a wreath. "Yossarian has been objecting too much again lately. I could murder my son for telling him it was a bomber."

  "Don't murder your son."

  "I'd like to get some second-rate hack with a good position in government who's not too scrupulous when it comes to making money."

  "Noodles Cook?"

  "N
oodles Cook is who I had in mind."

  "Noodles Cook is much too big for that stuff now. And we'd need Yossarian to make the contact."

  "I worry about Yossarian." Milo was brooding. "I'm not sure I trust him. I'm afraid he's still honest."

  BOOK

  THREE

  7

  ACACAMMA

  Yossarian went crosstown by taxi to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for the monthly meeting of ACACAMMA, arriving in time for the reading of an anonymous proposal for the creation of a deconstruction fund to reduce the museum from the farcical dimensions to which it had now grown preposterously. He heard the motion ruled out of order, seeing Olivia Maxon turn to fix her glowing black eyes upon him severely while he was turning to gaze with a suppressed smile at Frances Beach, who raised her eyebrows with admiring inquiry at Patrick Beach, who was looking down at his fingernails and paying no attention to Christopher Maxon, who, all jowls and chortles beside him, rolled an imaginary cigar between his fingers, wet its imaginary tip, relished the imagined fragrance he inhaled, inserted the imaginary cigar into a mouth that was real, and puffed himself deeply into a soporific delirium.

  ACACAMMA, the select Adjunct Committee for the Advancement of Cultural Activities at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, was an exclusive body of which only thirty or forty of the seventy or eighty members had come that day to deal with the same thorny question: if and how to increase revenues from the utilization of the premises for social events like weddings, bridal showers, bridge classes, fashion shows, and birthday parties, or whether to discontinue those incongruous ceremonies altogether as crass.

  The potent need as always was for money.

  Introduced and tabled for more comprehensive discussion at future meetings were such topics as the art of fund-raising, the art of the deal, the artistry of publicity, the art of social climbing, the art of fashion designing, the art of the costume, the art of catering, and the art of conducting without dissension and bringing to a close on time a meeting lasting two hours that was pleasant, uneventful, unsurprising, and unnecessary.

  What dissonance appeared was managed neatly.

  A final anonymous proposal that all anonymous proposals no longer be given even perfunctory consideration was referred to the executive committee for consideration.

  At the bar of the hotel nearby to which Yossarian escaped afterward with Patrick and Frances Beach, Frances began a gin and tonic and Patrick Beach looked bored.

  "Of course I'm bored," he informed his wife with ill-tempered pride. "By now I hate the paintings as much as I hate hearing them talked about. Oh, Frances"--his sigh was the whimsical plea of a martyr--"why must you keep putting us both into settings like that one ?"