by Jill Penrod
Chapter 9
He headed for the country roads. More than once he’d come out here to get away, having nowhere else to go. The roads crossed streams and hills and went on for miles, green and alive and refreshing. Since his father’s death he’d worked hard, and he never had time off, not with Mom and Tony always needing his strength. Out here in the country was the only place he could go and not be found. He’d done it so many times he barely had to think about the driving, and he played the radio so loud it hurt, drumming all his thoughts away.
Eventually he had to let his thoughts come. He had no idea Tony had heard any of that night. He wondered if Mom knew; he assumed she did. Certainly Tony had asked questions, and he feared he knew how she had answered them. She’d hated Dad for that night, and likely she’d fed that into Tony as well. It surprised him to realize they’d never once talked about it.
After awhile he pulled off the road into the grass, because tears had started, coming without his bidding, and he could no longer see the road. The sky was darkening, and he’d left Tony, simply run off and abandoned him, and he didn’t know if he wanted to go back and apologize or just disappear. For a long time he’d thought about disappearing, but that wasn’t an option. He was trapped, and he’d been trapped ever since his dad had died six years ago.
“I am my father,” he said, needing to hear the words. They weren’t true. They could never become true.
And now he’d embarrassed both himself and Tony in front of everyone. Most of them didn’t know what had happened, but Seth, Violet, and Jenny did. He’d seen in their faces the same look he’d seen at the hospital so many years ago. He wondered if they’d always look at him like that, with eyes of pity and fear.
“I am not that moment in time. I’m more than that moment, so why can’t I get past it?”
He lay his head on the steering wheel and let the tears fall, no longer fighting them. He’d never cried for his dad. He’d been unable to attend the funeral, and he’d never wept; he had been strong. He had to hold things together, and he’d done a good job, but now they were unraveling, and he didn’t want to be strong any longer.
“God,” he wept, “why did you let me run? Why couldn’t you have helped me hold my tongue? What good can possibly come from this? Mom missed church and I got angry, and then I got angry with Tony. I’m sorry I react with anger. I don’t think about who you are and who I am, and I just react. Please help me to do better.”
A couple cars passed, and he wiped his face and decided it was time to go home. He had to make sure Tony was okay, and he feared Mom would worry. Tomorrow at work he’d apologize to Jenny, and at group in the evening he’d apologize to Seth. He’d made a mess, but with God’s help he’d put it right, regardless of how tempting it was to drive into the country and not return.
He didn’t hurry, and by the time he got back to his street it was nearly one in the morning. Seth’s car was parked in his drive, and he paused a moment, running a hand through his hair, wondering what waited for him inside. The lights were out, so he hoped he could put off seeing anyone until morning.
He moved quietly through the dark house. The living room was lit by streetlights, and he was surprised not to find Seth on the sofa. When he got upstairs, his friend was a silhouette in the recliner by the window.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” Seth said quietly, his voice warm. Shawn sat on the bed and hugged himself, suddenly cold.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run. It just…I just…I didn’t know what to do.”
“It’s okay.” Seth moved beside him and placed a blanket on his shoulders. “Maybe it’s time to talk about it.”
“I never have. Not to anyone.”
“I guessed. What happened to your family, Shawn?”
“He was an alcoholic. He wasn’t mean or abusive. Mostly he sat in his chair and had no idea what was going on around him. Sometimes he left for a day or two, but he came back. But that night I was mouthing off, and we really got into it. He threw his cigarette over my shoulder, and I yelled at him, and he shoved me. Only the curtain had caught fire, and then I caught fire. He left, and two days later they found his body.”
He spit the words out in one breath, and it seemed he’d given them a life they hadn’t had in six years. He smelled the smoke and heard the words and saw the panic in his father’s eyes, the last look his dad gave him. Mostly he felt the pain and the fear he would die. His stomach rolled, and he ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
He was sick. He leaned over the bowl and retched and let the tears fall again, completely out of control. Finally his body relaxed, and he sipped some water and splashed a little on his face. How had tonight gone so wrong?
“Shawn?” Seth asked from beyond the door, his voice giving away his concern. Shawn opened the door, and Seth returned his blanket to his shoulders and steered him back to the bed.
“I’m so embarrassed,” Shawn said, lying back and closing his eyes.
“It’s okay to hurt and grieve,” Seth said.
“Tonight I saw myself screaming at Tony, and it was Dad, yelling at me. I have never touched alcohol, thinking it made my father what he was, but tonight I was him sober. It scared me.”
“You aren’t your dad. You love Tony very much.”
“Dad loved us,” Shawn said firmly, hoping it was true. “It’s why he died, so he wouldn’t hurt us again.”
“What do you mean? How did he die?”
“Self-inflicted gunshot wound,” Shawn said. The words sounded horrible. He’d never said them out loud.
“I’m sorry,” Seth said. He sat beside Shawn with an arm around him. They were silent nearly a minute.
“You haven’t eaten anything,” Seth said gently.
“I couldn’t keep anything down. Thanks for waiting for me.”
“Your mom needed me here, I think. Alex brought Tony home, and I went to my house thinking you might go there. When you didn’t show I came here, and your mom was almost frantic with worry. Tony had gone to bed without telling her anything. I told her you had been upset and needed some time, and she kept asking me where you’d go. I assumed you’d come home, and she suggested I wait. I think she went to bed around eleven.”
“I didn’t mean to worry her. I just…” he shrugged, shivering.
“You’ve never stopped to let it hurt. Shawn, you aren’t your dad. Anyway, you have a new Father now. You can grow up to be just like Him. It’s no coincidence Tony and I both saw your scars. It isn’t a coincidence you had to tell somebody about all this now.”
“I just hate the way people stare. In the hospital…. I never wanted to see that look again. Now I’ve seen it from you and Jenny both.”
Shawn stood up, swaying a bit, hungry and tired but unwilling to eat or sleep. Seth rose and forced him back to bed.
“Sleep. You’re too tired to think. Just sleep. I prayed for you all evening. Now just let God work.”
Shawn nodded, slipped his shirt off, and let Seth tuck him in like an infant. He felt numb. When Seth went for the hall, Shawn frowned and called to him.
“You’ll stay?”
“On the sofa.”
“Thanks, Seth.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Shawn smiled, feeling safe for some reason. He wanted Seth to be right, and he could sleep while God made it all better somehow. He still had to apologize and set things right with a lot of people, but if Seth could understand and forgive, perhaps the rest would, as well. With those hopes in mind, he fell asleep quickly.
The day was the hottest of the summer, and Shawn sat on a roof with Don and Albert, the roofers for Clearwater homes. He’d worked with the pair before, and although their conversation was always a little crude, they were nice guys. Today he’d been silent, though, thinking about last night and this morning, neither of which left him feeling good about anything.
He’d overslept. Seth had al
ready gone, leaving a note saying Jenny had called and he wasn’t to go to Hope today; the teens were taking the day off to swim at the lake. Mom was gone, too, and Tony was in bed. Shawn had dressed quickly, embarrassed by his lateness, and had not bothered with breakfast, his stomach still a bit queasy.
Just as he’d gotten to the back door, Tony had stumbled in, and Shawn stopped to apologize to him.
“Tony, I’m glad you’re up. I was way out of line last night. I won’t ever do that to you again.”
“I was afraid you wouldn’t come back,” Tony said, his voice quiet and hurt.
“I’ll always come back. I promise you that.”
Shawn hugged his brother close, but Tony pulled away.
“Mom said he deserved what he got, but you don’t believe that, do you?”
“Not really. Mom hates him. I don’t. I know he loved us.”
“How could he love us?” Tony asked. “He left. He ran just like you did. But you came back. I hope you really do keep coming back.”
Tony had left the kitchen, and Shawn still had a sick feeling in his stomach that things were terribly wrong.
“Hey, kid, you okay?”
“A little under the weather, maybe,” Shawn said, forced back into the present. He looked at the men and smiled. “Why?”
“You look a little off. Isn’t Tuesday night a bit early for partying?” Albert asked.
“It would be if I partied,” Shawn said, grinning.
“Right,” Don said, shaking his head. He was barely older than Shawn, and he’d been roofing with Albert since high school. He was good at it. “Shawn’s a good boy.”
He rolled his eyes; they enjoyed teasing him.
“At least he knows which end of a hammer pounds in a nail,” Albert said. “Not like most of these college guys.”
Shawn said nothing. He was too hot, too distracted to join their games.
“Seriously, Carpenter, you don’t look so good. I think I’d feel better with you on the ground today. Go work on the floors. Better yet, just take the day off. Nobody would blame you in this weather.”
“I’ll work on the floors,” Shawn said, moving to the ladder and going into the house.
It was no cooler inside, but the sun wasn’t on his head, so he felt better. He enjoyed the silence, broken only by the sound of machinery. Tonight he’d have to face Jenny and his mom. He wasn’t looking forward to it, but it had to be done. As the day wore on, he thought about what it meant to turn control over to God. He’d always hidden, always controlled what people knew about him. Now that safety was being stripped away. The Porter group was swallowing him, forcing him to give of himself in ways he hadn’t imagined. He’d read verses about bearing each others’ burdens and becoming united, and now they were beginning to make sense.
“Mr. Carpenter, I thought you were roofing today,” Mr. Clearwater’s deep voice said, and Shawn jumped, startled, and looked up into his boss’s face.
“I wasn’t feeling well. Albert told me to come down.”
“It’s a hard day to be out here.”
Mr. Clearwater watched Shawn for several seconds, making him nervous.
“Was there something else, sir?”
“I’m not sure. My daughter is worried about you. She said you weren’t feeling well last night. This wouldn’t be a bad day to go home.”
“I’ll be okay, sir.”
Mr. Clearwater didn’t look convinced, but he said nothing else, leaving Shawn alone again. He was happy to be alone.
Taking a deep breath, Shawn walked into the college room, almost glad not to see Jenny or Alex. He sat in one of the front rows and ran a hand through his hair.
“Hey, are you okay?”
He jumped and turned to face Jenny Clearwater. “I’m fine. I was hoping to see you tonight. I want to apologize.”
“You scared me a little,” she said, sitting beside him.
“I scared myself, too. I never intended to yell, and I certainly didn’t mean to run off and leave Tony. I just…I reminded myself of my dad, and that scared me a lot.”
“I didn’t really see what Tony saw, but….” She shrugged. “Did your dad hurt you?”
“I was in a house fire he accidentally started. We were arguing, and things got out of control. He couldn’t forgive himself for it. I wish…I regret not telling him, before he died, that I forgave him.”
“I’m sorry,” she said with such sincerity he almost felt guilty for telling her.
“Don’t be,” he said quietly. “I’m really not as pathetic as you may think.”
She chuckled and patted his shoulder. “You’re not pathetic. You feel. Seth and Alex are that way, too. So many older Christians don’t seem to. When life gets hard they start spouting Bible verses and talking about how much joy they’re experiencing. I don’t know—I think they still feel pain. I hope they grieve and feel and cry. I think the Bible is full of passion—King David, Jesus himself. I hope becoming a strong Christian doesn’t mean we lose our passion. I hope I will always be able to tell God it hurts.”
“I tell God it hurts a lot,” Shawn admitted. Her wisdom and tender heart were so appealing he felt a startling desire to kiss her. Instead, he patted her hand and stood.
“I need to find Alex and thank him for taking Tony home.”
“Sure,” she said. “You know, if you ever want to talk about anything, you can talk to me.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “Thanks.”
But, he thought, the more I talk to you the more I fall in love with you, and soon I’ll be breaking my word to your dad, if I haven’t already.
“Oh, did Daddy tell you about Saturday?”
“No. What’s up?”
“We have a day off. The high school group will just be painting, and he decided he doesn’t need the Porter group until next week.”
“I’m not sure I know what to do with a day off.”
“I have some ideas,” Seth said, approaching with Violet at his side. “Alex has been after me for a year to do some exploring with him. This would be a great weekend to do it.”
“Exploring?”
“You’ll see,” Seth said. “Catch me before you go, okay?”
“Sure,” Shawn promised, walking to the door where Alex was coming in with Tom and Mark. Alex moved away from the group and frowned at Shawn.
“You’re okay?”
“Yeah. Sorry you got stuck with Tony.”
“No problem. I don’t really know what happened, but I suspect your family fell apart worse than mine. I’m sorry, man. It’s rough. Tom used to put his fist through walls, just after my dad left.”
“Tom?” Shawn asked, surprised.
“I know. Sounds unbelievable. Things just hurt, and it was hard to know how to deal with them.”
“I hear that,” Shawn said.
Ben started the meeting in a few minutes, and Shawn took a seat beside Seth. The meeting was refreshing, the message from Philippians about having joy in difficulty. Shawn had to smile, thinking about his talk with Jenny. When it was over, the group lingered quite some time, and when it began to break up Shawn cornered Seth.
“So, what’s up?”
“Have you talked to your mom yet?”
“No. I overslept, and she was gone.”
“I have no right to say this—I never experienced the things your family has—but I think you and she really need to sit down and talk.”
“You have a right. And you’re right. I never realized…she told Tony things, things about Dad. She hates him, you know? And now he does, too. If she’s up to it, I’ll talk to her tonight.”
“I’ll pray about it,” Seth said. He patted Shawn’s shoulder and then surprised him with a hug, laughing. “Our lives were dull before you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Violet waited for Seth outside, and Shawn had to grin about his life. A few months ago he let nobody close, and now he
was close to these people emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. After the fire he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to be touched again, but it didn’t scare him as much as he’d expected.
The kitchen light was on, and he went in the back way, finding Mom at the table with a soda. She was dressed for bed, in a T-shirt and boxers, her hair in a bright headband. She was pretty, small and elegant-looking even tonight.
“Alex said you’d run off. He said you’d be home soon, but I wasn’t so sure. You’ve never run before. I didn’t know what you were thinking. I was afraid you wouldn’t come back.”
“Tony said the same thing. I’m not going anywhere. Please forgive me.”
“Of course I forgive you. How could you not know Tony knew?”
“How could I, Mom? We’ve never once talked about it.” Shawn recognized his growing anger and took a deep breath.
“You were in the hospital forever, and then I just wanted to put it behind us. What was there to say, anyway? He drank; you got hurt; and he died. There’s nothing else. Anyway, I guess we all chose to hide things from that night.”
He nodded, running his hand through his hair. He didn’t know what to say to her, but he knew things had to be said.
“Seth was great,” Mom continued. “He listened to me rant. He tried to offer comfort, but I wasn’t to be comforted. I was afraid. More afraid than I have been in a long time.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you. Tony said things, and I found myself yelling, just like Dad, and I had to get away from there. I drove for a long time. In a way it scares me to be like him. I love him, but I don’t want to be him.”
“But you are. You’re very much like him before…before the drinking. He was a sweet man. He loved me very much. He loved all of us. But then he wasn’t that man any more. At first he said he’d quit. He’d lost his job and it just helped him sleep at night. Then he tried to quit a few times, but it never lasted.
“Finally he stopped talking about it. He was able to work, and he wasn’t mean, so I just let it be, but it hurt. He wasn’t the man I married. It was gradual, but one day I realized I didn’t like him anymore. I never planned to spend more time taking care of him than his children.”
She sniffed back tears, and Shawn realized he’d never thought about this before. He’d never considered Mom and Dad before the drinking. He really didn’t remember the Dad she described, and he knew it had to have been a devastating disappointment to her.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I never thought about it. Does it bother you that I’m like him?”
“No,” she said, smiling through tears. “I loved him.”
“But since the accident you’ve hated him,” Shawn said. “And Tony hates him, too.”
“I suppose I have. When he killed himself, he took away any chance we had to fix things. I’ve never forgiven him for that.”
“Please do. Please let Tony grow up without carrying that hatred with him. It’s too hard.”
“I don’t know if I can,” she said. “Don’t you remember? What he was like? And then those first days in the hospital? Nobody could even tell me if you’d survive. How can I just push it away like it never happened?”
“I don’t know. I don’t have answers. I just know I had to hide because I caused all that hatred. You say it isn’t my fault, but it sure felt like it was.”
“Maybe I hate him because then I don’t have to hate myself for letting it happen.”
He nodded. It seemed they’d had this conversation before. It didn’t get them anywhere.
“I still want you to come to church with me.”
“Do you really think that will make things better?” she asked bitterly. “If this God of yours cares about us, why do these things happen?”
He sighed and put his thoughts in order. “Hard things happen. God lets them—even plans them—because He will move heaven and earth to make us grow and learn and become more like Him. Unfortunately, we learn best in hard circumstances.”
“I suppose nothing worth having comes easily,” she said quietly. “This week I’ll come.”
“Good. Alex and Tom’s parents are divorced. She would like to meet you. She knows how hard it is to be a single parent, and she’s nice, Mom.”
“Good. I don’t want to be the only one.”
She got up and hugged him from behind before leaving the room.
“You’re a good boy. I’m glad you came back.”
He grinned, thinking how well this had gone and wondering if Seth’s prayers had been a part of it. The thought made him smile as he went up to his room to get in bed himself.