by Jill Penrod
Chapter 11
Thunder rolled outside, and the windows rattled, loose in their frames. Shawn always meant to seal them, but he only though about it when it was too wet or too cold.
He shifted the pillow under his leg and flipped through TV channels. Nothing was on. He’d known that before he sat down, but lying on the couch with his leg up felt good. The air had cooled, and a light mist of rain blew in from the window, and he sighed, completely relaxing his body.
Mom was at work, of course, and Tony had gone out with friends. Shawn had the day off, with the storm, but he’d already decided to stay home anyway. He was beginning to worry about finishing the summer with his knee unwilling to heal.
He turned off the TV and let his mind wander, settling on a conversation from the cave. Seth thought he was in love, but he wasn’t sure what that meant. Could he marry Jenny? It seemed so drastic. And yet, it also sounded appealing. He loved to be with her, and he thought about her a lot, but maybe it was just a crush; he’d only known her a few weeks. Maybe it was all a moot point, since Mr. Clearwater seemed not to think he was the right one.
But he never really said that, Shawn amended. He just heard that because he didn’t have the courage to tell him how he really felt about Jenny. And he wasn’t sure he had words to describe how he really felt about Jenny.
He thought about them working together. Jenny took to heart the idea of men leading women. She always put him in charge, never taking control, and he found he didn’t mind it as he’d expected. Her confidence in his skills caused him to live up to those beliefs. But, the ability to lead a group of teenagers at a construction site was a far cry from being the spiritual head of a family.
He also thought about Seth and Violet. He admired Seth’s ability to put his calling before his feelings. Shawn let his feelings carry him at times, and not always with the best results. Seth still felt deeply, but he knew when to put his feelings aside and do what needed done. He felt sad for them, though. They spent a lot of time together, and Shawn thought Violet really liked Seth. Of course, the last couple times they’d been together he thought he’d sensed a tension, so mild he hadn’t really thought about it until now.
His mind mulled over relationships a while longer, and then he thought about the cave. For weeks now he’d struggled with the idea of bearing each other’s burdens. He didn’t know how far it should go. He’d heard some of the group debate it, talking about charity. Some thought a person in need should never be given money. Pay a specific bill, or fill a kitchen with foodstuffs, but don’t blindly give money. But he didn’t know how far to give. When Dad had first died, people at Mom’s office had given some food and money, but he remembered how much it didn’t help. He remembered thinking that they were going to disappear, simply starve and disappear, and nobody else would have to be lost.
No, he thought. Those weren’t the right words. He thought about it more. The people had given a little, some just enough to feel good about themselves, but nobody had sacrificed. Lately he’d wondered how much sacrifice was involved in bearing one another’s burdens. He wasn’t doing his knee any favors this summer, but Hope Homes needed him. Was Seth right? Was he being foolish? He just couldn’t let them down if it was in his power to help. Maybe it was because of Jenny, but maybe it was more.
In the cave, without knowing it, Seth had given him some insight into this. When Seth had given him his light, he had given him control. Seth had given so much he had nothing left; he had to rely on others to get through. In essence, he had said we get through together, or we don’t get through at all.
It had touched Shawn more than Seth could know, because Shawn had panicked about the dark and wasn’t sure he’d have parted with his light for anything. He didn’t want to be powerless. Seth had turned over his lamp without hesitation, giving up everything. He’d asked for nothing in return but help finding his own way.
So, he thought, why does Seth insist on making me feel like a child every time I ache a little bit? I’m old enough to take care of myself. It was a strange paradox. Seth risked everything for Shawn, but he didn’t want Shawn to sacrifice.
Wandering into the kitchen, he thought about phoning Jenny, but he wasn’t sure it was appropriate. He wanted to tell her what he’d been thinking, about Seth and the idea of bearing another’s burdens. She would have something to say about it, or they’d discuss it together and come up with something. Also, he wanted to ask her about the feeling he’d had at the beach. But, he could discuss it with Seth, too. Seth didn’t mind talking about feelings, and this was a strange, haunting feeling that had followed him for a whole day now.
Since Seth was at work, and he couldn’t call Jenny, he just made lunch and spent some time in the Bible. If anyone could help him put his thoughts in order, it was God. But, often God used his friends to do it, and as the rain pounded on his window, he wished they could be here to share the rainy day with him.
“Did you enjoy your day off?” Jenny asked, topping a ladder unexpectedly and smiling at him.
“Not really. I was bored.”
“You should have called me,” she said, walking across the roof and sitting next to him. The sun had barely come over the horizon, and the sky was colored with a muted palette of pastels, hazy and cool.
“What are you doing here?” he asked her.
“Daddy and Marty are moving some things to different sites. I thought I’d come up and visit while they worked. I wish you were working at Hope this week.”
“I guess it’s time to go back to my real job,” he said. “Where’s Julie?”
“Flirting with one of the drywall guys, I think. I talked to Alex yesterday. You guys had quite a little adventure.”
“You could say that. It was strange. I spent all day yesterday thinking about it. I wanted to talk to Seth about it, but he worked an extra shift.”
“Talk to me,” she said. “If you can, of course.”
“Oh, it’s nothing personal. I was thinking about how Christians help each other. The idea of bearing each other’s burdens confuses me. I don’t know how far it should go. In the cave, I was uncomfortable. Okay, completely claustrophobic and terrified. Then my light went out, and Seth gave me his. Without hesitation, he gave up all control. He didn’t move back and shine the light on my path. He didn’t give me the light and then ask for it back in a couple minutes. He gave it to me, and then he was entirely dependent on Tom and me to get him through. We either made it together or we perished together. The more I thought about that yesterday, the more I wondered if that isn’t what God really wants us to do. We’re all united—you mentioned that yourself, that it was Jesus’ final wish—so we sink or swim together. And that’s a big responsibility.”
“Wow,” she said quietly. “I do believe you’ve had a revelation. I never thought about it like that. Sometimes we aren’t asked to do much to help a person, and if everyone in a body pitches in, nobody has to lose much, but sometimes we do put it all on the line, I guess. Sometimes we can be a person’s only lifeline. And then we have to have faith. We turn over everything and assume God will take care of our needs.”
“So you think there’s something to it? I was making a real connection?”
“The Holy Spirit was making a real connection, and you had the opportunity to sit quietly and hear Him. I’m impressed, too. You don’t always sound like a new Christian.”
“Thanks, I guess,” Shawn said. “I was amazed Seth gave me his light. I don’t think I would have parted with mine. I decided I didn’t like caves.”
“I don’t think I would, either. I like roofs better. I’ve never had any fear of heights.”
“Same here. Alex and Seth didn’t mind the cave, but Tom hated it as much as I did. Maybe more. It was murder on my knee, too, and Seth got very paternal on me. He’s willing to give up his light to get me through a cave, but if I limp the tiniest bit so I can work to feed my family, he pitch
es a fit. I’m not sure I understand.”
She said nothing, looking over the housing division with a distant gaze.
“I think that’s just Seth,” she finally said. “I’m glad he has Violet and you.”
“I don’t think he has Violet anymore,” Shawn said, not sure he should.
“What did he do to her?” Jenny asked quickly, surprising Shawn by her reaction.
“What do you mean?” Shawn asked. “I think they just have different paths to follow.”
She nodded, again not saying what was on her mind. He remembered her cryptic remark when they’d first met, about Seth not having a close friend in a long time.
“Jenny Clearwater, please tell me what you’re thinking. It has something to do with Seth.”
“I love Seth. He’s been my friend forever. He’s fun and passionate and loves the Lord unlike anyone I know. But he…” She shrugged, clearly searching for words. “He loves his friends. Sometimes he just holds on too tight. I don’t know how else to say it. He loves them too much. Not sexually or anything, but with the same passion and energy with which he loves his Creator. Not everyone can take that.”
Shawn wasn’t sure what she meant. He’d seen the deep concern in Seth’s face when he thought Shawn wasn’t caring for himself. He knew it made him feel both loved and smothered, but not so much that he’d ever pull away. He couldn’t imagine anyone pulling away from a friendship with Seth Roberts.
“You think Violet is breaking up with him? He told me he was breaking up with her.”
“I don’t know,” Jenny said. “I shouldn’t be saying any of this to you, but you’re able to be his friend. I can’t even tell you why I think so, but I see you and Seth as friends for a long, long time, and I’m glad. Violet doesn’t have what it takes. Julie and I decided that long ago. It made us sad, because he doesn’t want to be alone, but we knew she wouldn’t be the one. I’m just glad you’re here for him. He’s going to be something, you know? People will know his name. He’ll make big changes and save many souls. You and me—we’ll be behind him making it possible for him to give everything away, just like he gave you the lamp.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” Shawn admitted. “But, I think I have some idea. It’s that passion for life and for God that first made me want to be his friend.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” she said. Then she laughed. “I didn’t know a guy could sit and discuss relationships this long. Sorry I’ve made you listen to all this.”
“No, it’s enlightening. Seth says he doesn’t know me—it’s nice to know I don’t know him, either. Means we’ll have things to talk about for a long time.”
They fell into a comfortable silence. Shawn felt he should be working, but it was nice sitting here above the world with Jenny. He thought a minute and then decided to be bold with her.
“I had a strange experience on the bluff at Bob’s place, something I vaguely remember having before, but I can’t recall where. It was morning, and I took a walk. I ended up on a bluff overlooking the ocean, and it was beautiful. Strangely, almost painfully beautiful. I felt an ache in my gut, and I wanted to run away, but I also dreaded the moment’s end, knowing it would. I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about that, too. Have you ever experienced anything like it?”
“You haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, have you?” she asked, smiling.
“No. Why?”
“I get that feeling every time I stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Daddy calls it feeling Heaven on Earth. He says God gives us glimpses of Himself, little callings to remind us of things to come. We want it to last because it’s a tiny piece of the future perfection and beauty we’ll experience someday, but we want it to end because we’re looking into God’s face, and nobody can do that and survive. I don’t think there’s anything biblical about any of that, but when I get that feeling in my stomach, I think about that, about seeing God’s perfect Heaven someday. It’s intoxicating and exciting.”
She described his feelings exactly, and he was overwhelmed. Without thinking he leaned over and kissed her cheek, loving the closeness. He didn’t even think about it, simply getting as close to her physically as he felt emotionally right now. She pulled back and smiled, and suddenly he was aware of her father, watching from the ground. He turned away, knowing he was now seriously breaking his promise to the man. He hadn’t meant to kiss her, hadn’t meant to feel so close, and he should have paid more attention.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
“It’s okay,” she said, whispering herself.
“No, it isn’t. Your father’s looking for you, by the way.”
“Oh.”
She got up and left, and Shawn caught Mr. Clearwater’s eyes. Even from up here he saw the disapproval in his face. Shawn ran his hand through his hair, thinking it was going to be a very long day.
When the day really began, he went back to the ground and cleaned up the site, burning piles of trash and scraps. The weather was comfortable, and time moved quickly, which was good, because all he did was berate himself for being so spontaneous with Jenny. It wasn’t the kiss exactly that bothered him, although it would probably be his downfall with Mr. Clearwater. The problem was his denial he cared for her. He’d known all along, and so had Seth, that he felt more strongly for her than a friend or a sister. He had lied to Mr. Clearwater, and in a way he’d lied to her by keeping his feelings to himself.
When the crews started to close up for the day, he was disappointed to see Jenny and her dad pull up in the pickup. He had a couple young guys with him, the electricians working at Hope, he thought, and he carried a pile of clothes.
“Hey, everyone, let’s go for pizza,” he called to his workers. “We need to celebrate the break in the weather while it lasts. I’ve got clean T-shirts from Panther Plumbing supplies, so we can just go from here.”
Shawn didn’t approach the truck, thinking he’d duck out of this outing, but Jenny spotted him and ran over with a shirt. She had already put one on herself.
“I don’t think I can go,” he said quietly.
“Please do,” she said. “What happened on the roof—Daddy isn’t upset about that. I promise. I told him we were just talking, and we were sharing an epiphany of sorts. The kiss was just a thank you. He understands.”
“I’m not sure that’s the truth,” Shawn said quietly. “I’m not sure I’ve told him the truth yet. I can’t go tonight.”
“Come on, Carpenter,” Sam said as he approached. “Get that filthy shirt off and get in the truck. Mr. Clearwater doesn’t spring for dinner that often.”
“Sam, I—“
“That’s an order, Mr. Carpenter,” Sam said. “We work together, and now we eat together. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about the flooring in the Bateman house. Now change.”
Sam looked at him expectantly, and Shawn knew he was stuck. He couldn’t excuse himself to change, and he had no good excuse for not going, and he refused to lie anymore. Taking a deep breath, he slipped his sweaty shirt over his head, not surprised to hear Jenny take in her breath. He slipped the new shirt on without opening his eyes, but when he did both Jenny and Sam still looked at him with sympathy and awed disgust. Worse yet, Mr. Clearwater looked at him the same way from across the lot, his eyes still filled with the disapproval from this morning and now including a deep pity.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” Shawn said to Sam, not waiting for a reply. “I’m really not hungry.”
“Shawn, wait,” Jenny said, reaching for his arm. He shrugged her off, looking hard at her father, and walked behind the house to his car. This time nobody followed, and he sat a long time. When he left, he took the back way to keep from having to see them. He was ashamed of his reaction to their reaction, and he was ashamed of his actions from earlier in the day, too. Jenny said Seth had trouble holding on to friendships, but Shawn realized he was no master at relationships him
self. Maybe that was why he and Seth were such friends.
“You look terrible,” Shawn said when Seth opened his door.
“Thanks,” Seth said, backing up so Shawn could enter. He wandered into the kitchen, looking tired and not at all himself.
“I should have called,” Shawn said from the doorway. “I can come back if you want.”
“No, come on in,” Seth called. “Want something to drink?”
“No. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” Seth came in with a soda and sat in his recliner. His Bible was open on the couch, and Shawn moved it and sat down. “I saw Violet today.”
“Oh,” Shawn said.
“Right. I wanted it to be right. I wanted her to love me and love Spanish and love the mission field. I don’t know why it’s so important to me, but I don’t want to be alone. I know what God has called me to do, and I’m willing to do it, but I’m afraid of doing it alone. Why can’t I have more faith?”
Shawn didn’t know what to say. He’d never seen Seth so uncertain before.
“What did she say?” he asked.
“I was stupid,” Seth continued; Shawn wasn’t sure the man had heard his question or not. “I know better, you know? But she was upset when I said it wasn’t right, and she was vulnerable, and I didn’t want her to hurt. I hate to see people hurt. But I was stupid and I went too far.”
He leaned forward and put his head in his hands, and Shawn paused for a moment.
“Did you sleep with her?” he asked cautiously.
Seth laughed, the sound full of bitterness.
“No. But I came awfully close. I touched her, and she would have let me. The moment was right, you know? And I wanted her. I couldn’t have her heart, but I wanted to be that close. I was so unfair to her. I don’t know how to make it right.”
“I’m sorry,” Shawn said. “I wish I had some words of wisdom to make it better. You’ve been reading your Bible. Did God have anything to say to you?”
“I had it open, but I wasn’t seeing any words. I only know I have to apologize, and I have to let God do what he will in my dating life. I can’t be so afraid to be alone.”
“I was afraid in the cave,” Shawn said. “A different fear, but still fear. I just had to keep my mind on God’s words from the Bible. It was the only way I could move.”
“I know that’s true, but it’s like it doesn’t matter. I just can’t get this part of my life in control.”
“So give up the control,” Shawn said. “Like you did in the cave. You gave me your flashlight. You put your life in Tom’s and my hands, having no light of your own. Were you scared?”
“No.”
“So, if you can trust Tom and me, you can trust God.”
Seth nodded, looking at Shawn strangely.
“I didn’t even ask why you’re here. Just come to crash?”
“No. I failed today, too.”
He told Seth of his talk with Jenny, and how he kissed her in front of her father, and then how he took off like a child when they stared at his scars.
“I couldn’t go out and eat after that. I felt like I was going to throw up. It’s time to get away from Jenny Clearwater.”
“What do you mean?” Seth asked. “I think it’s time to approach her dad about formal courtship.”
“No. I have no credibility. I’ve acted like a horny schoolboy.”
“No,” Seth said bitterly, “that was me. You’ve done fine. With no background in any of this craziness, you’ve been a perfect gentleman. I’d let you court my daughter.”
“That’s nice. Too bad she hasn’t been born yet,” Shawn said, smiling. The smile was short-lived. “I’ll miss her friendship.”
“No,” Seth said firmly. “You can’t let her go. Don’t you see? You care about her. I’d give anything…you just can’t walk away.”
“I can,” Shawn said. “I have to.”
As they talked, Shawn massaged his knee absently. He’d done it all day, easing out the last of the stiffness. Seth scowled.
“Shawn, your knee is still hurting, isn’t it?” he said, his voice full of disapproval.
Shawn had seen too much disapproval today, and without thought he stood up angrily. “Seth, what I do with my knee is my business. What I do with Jenny Clearwater is my business. Please stop acting like I’m a stupid child.”
“I don’t want to see you hurting,” Seth said, now angry as well. “I don’t think you’re a child, and I certainly don’t think you’re stupid. You’ve been alone a long time; maybe it just takes a while to get used to having friends again.”
“I’ve had friends,” Shawn spat. His emotions were flying out of control, and he wasn’t even sure why. He’d just been through too much today. He needed to get out of here before he really said something stupid. “Jenny was right. You hold on too tight. Just relax.”
He knew what he’d done before he finished doing it, and he backed up as Seth’s face fell. So much for not saying stupid things, he thought.
“I think you should go,” the tall man said quietly. “You can go find somebody else to talk to about me.”
Shawn did as asked, seeing a look in Seth’s face that said this was not the time to try an apology. He needed to get control of himself first. Without a word he left the apartment building and drove. He drove through town, and then he drove back into the country. His heart was pounding, and his hands were sweating. He’d never been in a fight like that, not since the night his dad died. He’d been awful, not caring for Seth’s feelings, betraying a private conversation with Jenny, and maybe ruining the best friendship he’d ever known.
He went over it in his head, and he didn’t know how he had let it happen. The warning signs had practically been in neon, but he’d just let his feelings fly, giving his tongue freedom to say whatever it would. A Bible verse popped into his head, about keeping a tight rein on his tongue, and he shook his head.
“God, why didn’t you remind me of that earlier? My tongue has gotten me into a mess of trouble today. Help me use the right words to apologize to everyone. Help Seth. He was hurting, and he was having a rotten day, and I hurt him instead of helping him. The worst he’s ever done to me is care too much. Now I’m paying him back by…by being a jerk. Please forgive me for lying to Mr. Clearwater, and for playing with Jenny’s heart, and for hurting Seth. I’ve had quite a day, I guess. Please forgive me and then let them forgive me, too.”
When he got home, a note on the table said Tony and Mom had gone to see his aunt Eleanor tonight, and they might stay until Thursday. He was glad to be alone. He needed the time to think.