Follow-up or probing questions allow you to dig for additional information and detail. They may be either open or closed. Whenever your counterpart gives you a vague, ambiguous, or incomplete answer—often with the intention of keeping you from pursuing an issue—press for more specifics with probing questions. Don’t let him brush you aside.
When asking questions, be careful with the tone of your voice, the way you phrase your questions, and your body language. A sigh, or the sound of impatience or exasperation in your voice, can put the other person on the defensive and cause them to share less information. Use a warm, friendly tone when probing, for that will help you to get the answers you want.
Be especially careful with a naked why question. A why question can sound like an accusation, and puts the other party on the defensive. Find a way to turn it into a what or how question. For example:
• “Why did you do that?” [sounds harsh, accusing]
• “What prompted you to decide to do that?” [sounds softer, more sincere]
Ask a lot of questions—even if you think you know the answers— and listen to the answers carefully.
LISTEN
Western cultures value speaking over listening. We think more highly of men of words and action than those who sit quietly. Our companies reward those who express their opinions, not those who weigh the opinions of others. No wonder most of us prefer to speak than listen. This is not necessarily a good thing in a negotiation.
Most negotiators talk too much. They think they need to make their positions clear from the get-go, to make sure their counterpart knows what’s what and is duly impressed. The most successful negotiators talk less than the other party. Let your counterpart do most of the talking. The more she talks, the more information you learn. You already know what you think—wouldn’t it be great to know what your counterpart thinks? If you knew what she was thinking, what was important to her, and perhaps gleaned some useful insights by hearing her out, wouldn’t that help you to negotiate a better outcome? If so, you need to listen and learn. And in particular you need to listen actively.
The following explains how to listen actively.
Paraphrase
Restate or paraphrase what the speaker has just said to test assumptions, clarify confusion, and confirm understanding. Seek to completely understand the substance of the message. Use phrases such as
• “If I understand you correctly …”
• “It seems like you really want …”
• “Am I correct in saying that you …”
Encourage the speaker
The more they talk, the more you learn. Use statements, words, or sounds to encourage the speaker to continue or elaborate:
• “I’d like to hear more about that.”
• “Why is that?”
• “Really?” “No kidding!” “Unbelievable!”
• “Hmmm.” “Uh huh!” “I see.”
You can also use non-verbal signals to encourage the speaker, such as nodding your head in agreement, exhibiting appropriate facial expressions, leaning forward, maintaining an open and attentive posture, and mirroring the speaker’s body language. Your objective is to get as much information as possible, and to understand your counterpart clearly.
Focus on red flag words
Red flag words are ambiguous words or phrases that cry out for elaboration. For example, the word “interesting” can mean “intriguing,” or it can be a diplomatic way of saying “I don’t like that idea much.” Whenever your counterpart uses an ambiguous word, ask questions for clarification.
People choose their words for a reason. If you are not sure what they mean, ask them. Your counterpart may use certain words to avoid giving information. Learn to recognize these red flags and dig for the information your counterpart is reluctant to share. If you ask specifically, he will often tell you. For example:
“That’s a very interesting proposal, Mr. Jones. However, I feel we could manage with our current configuration for the time being.”
You should be thinking, and asking: “What do you mean by ‘manage’? Is it not doing everything you expect? What is working well, and what would you like to see improve?” You could also seize on the phrase “for the time being” by asking, “How long are we talking about? What is your time frame? What other factors are affecting your time frame?”
EMPATHIZE
The only problem with active listening is that it can be mechanical. Animated figures at Disneyland also nod their heads in agreement and say, “I see.” An active listener may be sincere, or he may not be. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
While active listening is a great start, there is an even higher level of listening: empathetic listening. Empathetic listening includes all of the above, plus another element: reflecting the speaker’s emotional state. Knowing what others are feeling and showing them that you care is the essence of empathy. You must truly understand a person’s feelings to reflect them—you can’t fake it!
The renowned psychologist Carl Rogers described empathy as non-judgmentally entering another person’s world. When you enter his world openly and see it as he sees it, you can truly understand him. You don’t need to agree with him, just try to understand his point of view.
Lawyers have a saying that an agreement is a meeting of the minds. In other words, if you and I both have the same idea in mind, then we are in agreement. Imagine if we could not only have a meeting of the minds but a meeting of the hearts as well. If you could understand what I am thinking and also feel what I am feeling—that’s empathy!
Empathetic listening also shows that you respect your counterpart and are interested in his views. It is a way of validating him as an individual, which tends to make him more favorably disposed towards you.
Take your listening to an even higher level. Strive to become an empathetic listener. Show empathy by identifying your counterpart’s feelings and reflecting them. It isn’t enough to care about the person—you must show her that you care. Ask yourself, What emotion is behind that statement?
Then respond with a statement or ask a question that reflects your counterpart’s emotional state. For example:
“That must have been a big disappointment.”
“I can see that you’re frustrated.”
“You must be worried about that. What are you going to do?”
This does wonders towards building rapport and trust, strengthening your relationship, and encouraging the flow of information. It also makes you more likable.
Note that empathizing does not mean agreeing. You can understand how your counterpart feels without agreeing with her position. She will appreciate your concern whether you agree with her or not. As the saying goes, people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
MIRRORING
Regardless of whether you are negotiating face to face or by telephone, you can use the mirroring technique. Mirroring is simply repeating the last few words of your counterpart’s statement. When you do this, they tend to elaborate on whatever they just said. It is always good to keep your counterpart talking so that you get useful information. In addition, this helps create rapport and likability—people feel at ease when they hear someone else speaking their language. It produces a comforting sense of similarity. Here’s an example:
Him: “Our last supplier had some reliability issues.”
You: “Reliability issues …”
Him: “Yes, it was not unusual to get late shipments, and they weren’t very responsive to our calls.”
You: “They weren’t responsive to your calls …”
Him: “No, we’d have to leave a few messages most of the time and chase them for an answer.”
You: “I see. It seems responsiveness is important to you.” [then discuss how you can do better]
As you can see, there is no set rule as to how many words you repeat, or how many consecutive replies you can do it for. Use your judgment. Just don’t push it so far that they feel you ar
e mimicking them. Once you have elicited enough information to feel comfortable with your next move, take the conversation in that direction.
FORCED EMPATHY
One of the qualities that separates the best negotiators from the rest is empathy—the ability to not only see things from your counterpart’s perspective, but to truly understand that perspective. This is not easy for most people, who are largely if not exclusively focused on their position, their reasons, and what they want to say next. With empathy in such short supply, wouldn’t it be great if you could force your counterpart to empathize with you? There is a way, and oddly enough it’s called “forced empathy”!
Fisher and Ury relate the following anecdote:*
In 1970, an American lawyer had a chance to interview President Nasser of Egypt on the subject of the Arab-Israeli conflict. He asked Nasser, “What is it you want [Israeli Prime Minister] Golda Meir to do?”
Nasser replied, “Withdraw!”
“Withdraw?” the lawyer asked.
“Withdraw from every inch of Arab territory!”
“Without a deal? With nothing from you?” the American asked incredulously.
“Nothing. It’s our territory. She should promise to withdraw,” Nasser replied.
The American asked, “What would happen to Golda Meir if tomorrow morning she appeared on Israeli radio and television and said, ‘On behalf of the people of Israel I hereby promise to withdraw from every inch of territory occupied in ’67: the Sinai, Gaza, the West Bank, Jerusalem, the Golan Heights. And I want you to know, I have no commitment of any kind from any Arab whatsoever.’”
Nasser burst out laughing, “Oh, would she have trouble at home!”
Understanding what an unrealistic option Egypt had been offering Israel may have contributed to Nasser’s stated willingness later that day to accept a cease-fire …
This is an example of forced empathy—making the other party see things from your point of view. President Nasser may have been fully convinced of the merits of his position, but once the lawyer asked the question of how his counterpart could agree to it, he realized the futility of his demand. He was forced to consider her point of view and take a more realistic approach.
The best way to force empathy is with a question, particularly a what or how question. A question forces the other party to engage. They will answer the question in their head if not out loud. It’s almost impossible for a person asked a what or how question not to think about your position.
However, questions beginning with why won’t usually work, as it sounds like an accusation and puts people on the defensive. Luckily, any why question can be converted into a what or how question. For example:
“Why did you do it that way?”—How would you feel if someone asked you this question? It sounds like they are accusing you, blaming you, or at the very least are unhappy about what you did. Most people would feel they were under attack and go on the defensive. It does not foster a positive negotiating atmosphere. You could always rephrase the question as a what or how question:
“What prompted you to do it that way?”—It sounds like you are curious about their thought process. This is a very different sensation than feeling besieged! You can also add an introductory phrase as a buffer, to make your question even more user friendly:
“I’m curious, how did you come up with that approach?”—This phrasing sounds like they are not only curious, but also favorably impressed!
Statements do not have the same effect as questions. They are more factual and don’t have as much power to evoke empathy. A statement such as “Try to see it from my point of view” sounds impersonal and may cause resistance. Such statements can just be ignored. You want to make it visual, paint a picture in their mind. When you ask a what or how question, the other party imagines himself in your place and naturally thinks about your perspective. Here are some examples of questions that force empathy:
• What would you tell my boss if you were me?
• How am I supposed to do that?
• What would you do if you were in my position?
• What do we have to do to close this deal?
• How can we make this work?
• What will you do if we don’t reach an agreement?
• What do you think would happen if …?
Remember that negotiation is about give and take. Forcing the other party to empathize with you works best if you first empathize with them. If you are playing hardball and relentlessly pressing your agenda without any regard for their needs, they are less likely to be receptive. However, if you empathize with them first, the reciprocity principle kicks in and they will be much more inclined to consider your point of view.
THE ROAD TO YES PASSES THROUGH NO
We have been conditioned to prefer yes to no. Most people think they want a yes. Yes is good—it means you get what you want. No means rejection, and rejection hurts—but only if you take it personally. You shouldn’t! There can be many reasons why they say no, and after all it is their choice. It is not necessarily a reflection on you. But even though we think we want a yes, yes doesn’t always mean yes.
A yes that is too easy is usually fake. They say yes, but they mean “Yes, whatever, now leave me alone.” They tell you what you want to hear just to make you go away. They are not agreeing to anything.
Sometimes, a yes is just a confirmation but not a commitment. It means, “Yes, I understand, uh huh, okay, right, I see.” But it does not mean, “Yes, we have a deal!”
Of course, you ultimately want that last kind of yes—the commitment—but only at the end. The road to yes passes through no.
There’s another reason you don’t want to get a yes right away. A quick yes, too easily given, makes you wonder whether you really got a good deal. It leads to the winner’s curse, where you think: That was too easy. Why was he so quick to agree? Does he know something I don’t? I think I’ve been had! But a hard earned yes gained after a series of no’s gives you confidence that you got close to the best deal possible.
A lot of salesmen have been trained to ask a series of simple questions to get the prospect to say yes, and then lead them to the big yes at the end. A lot of people have been led down that path of yeses before and they feel the pressure, but they rarely say yes. And if they do, it’s usually a “Yes, whatever, now leave me alone” yes, or an “Okay, right, I understand” confirmation yes, but not a commitment yes.
When people feel pressure or are not sure what to do, they say no. No protects them. No maintains the status quo. No lets them stay in the driver’s seat. When they say no, they are really saying “I’m not going to agree to anything you ask until I’m good and ready! I’m in control here!” So why not cut to the chase and let them say no? Let them feel safe and in control. It’s not about getting a yes immediately; it’s about getting a yes at the end: “Yes, we’ve got a deal!”
Every negotiation begins with a no. If it had been a yes you wouldn’t be negotiating, would you? No is just the starting point, and yes comes at the end.
Most people get discouraged when they hear the word no, especially when it comes from a high power or high status person, such as a boss or an important client. They are afraid to pursue the matter because they don’t want to be seen as being pushy or overbearing. Perhaps they imagine the other party thinking, What part of NO don’t you understand? Sometimes, they just don’t want to risk damage to their ego. After all, one no is bad enough. Why risk further rejection by asking again? Won’t the answer be the same?
The word no is not carved in stone. Whenever you hear a no, treat it as an opening position. When someone tells you no, what they really mean is “Based on how you have framed your request, and on my mood, and on the alignment of the stars at this point in time, and various other factors too numerous to mention and which I do not fully understand anyway, I am inclined to say no for the time being. However, if you reframe your request, or modify your proposal, or ask me again later, or tomorrow, or next wee
k, I might say yes.” This is very different from a firm, final, absolute no, isn’t it?
There are a lot of things your counterpart might be saying when he says no. A no can mean:
• I’m not sure …
• I’m afraid …
• Maybe I’m missing something …
• What if I make a mistake?
• What will my boss/stakeholders say when they see this deal?
• Maybe I’ll get a better deal if I wait …
• I’m not ready to commit …
• If I say yes, then I’m agreeing to your proposal and you’re in control and who knows what will happen; it’s easier and safer for me to say no …
So the next time someone tells you no, ask “Why not?” They will reply “Because of A, B, and C.” Depending on their reason, think about how you might change your approach. Modify your request to take A, B, and C into account, and present them with your new proposal. They will either say yes or no. If they say yes, congratulations! If they say no, ask “Why not?” They will reply “Because of D, E, and F.” Modify your request. Bundle your request into a package of other issues. Explore other possibilities. You just may succeed in turning that no into a yes.
SUBSTANTIVE AND PERSONALITY ISSUES
In every negotiation there are substantive issues and personality issues. Substantive issues concern the subject of the negotiation. For example, issues such as price, quantity, delivery dates, payment schedules, and other terms and conditions are substantive issues. We bargain over these issues as we strive to reach an acceptable agreement.
There are also personality issues that enter any negotiation and affect the parties’ relationship. Your counterpart may have certain habits and mannerisms that irritate you. Perhaps he is loud, insensitive, and intimidating. He may always arrive late, talk excessively, and keep you longer than expected. He may try to pressure you with hardball tactics or rush you into making a hasty decision. Or she may be very charming and try to sweet talk you into conceding more than you had planned. The following are my suggestions for dealing with substantive and personality issues.
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