There are a few other advantages to telephone negotiations:
• They take less time than face-to-face meetings. Sometimes, a simple face-to-face negotiation is drawn out simply to justify the time and effort required to travel to your counterpart’s office.
• It is easier to say no over the phone. The telephone provides a buffer and eliminates the need to look into the eyes of the disappointed party.
• The telephone is less intimidating than face-to-face meetings for less assertive negotiators, so this helps the less powerful party. Disappointed eyes are bad enough, but an intimidating face is even harder to handle!
• It gives substance and logic more weight relative to style and form. There may be some pomp and circumstance in a face-to-face meeting, whereas a telephone negotiation allows you to cut to the chase.
There are now many tele- and video-conferencing platforms, with more popping up all the time. They are cheaper than international travel, but I don’t recall being on many of such calls that went smoothly. Technology marches on, but communication issues will always be with us.
* Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes (1981) p. 115.
* From David Maister, The Trusted Advisor (2000)
CHAPTER 6
PSYCHOLOGICAL PITFALLS: EMOTIONS AND BIASES
“What makes humanity is not reason. Our emotions are what make us human.”
— E.O. Wilson
Negotiation is widely thought to be a deeply rational process. Planning, preparation, strategizing, and trying to think several moves ahead as you try to outmaneuver your counterpart all suggest a highly logical brain at work. The reality is a less flattering interpretation of our analytical powers: we are creatures of emotion.
THE ROLE OF EMOTION IN NEGOTIATION
Emotions are always present in every human activity, including negotiation. We all have them, so we have to live with them— ours and theirs. Emotions affect the way we think, feel, and act. We cannot avoid them, so the best thing to do is recognize them and learn to deal with them constructively.
Some emotions are positive: joy, confidence, fun. Others are negative: anger, fear, embarrassment. Negative emotions tend to stimulate competitive impulses, which lead to a win-lose dynamic. Positive emotions encourage cooperation and support win-win outcomes.
Emotions are also contagious. We can spread them to—and catch them from—others. Generally, the person who expresses her emotions more forcefully will influence the one who is less expressive.
The implications for negotiation are straightforward. A win-win negotiator will manage the negative emotions in herself and not provoke them in others. She will also display positive emotions, and will say and do things that are likely to bring out positive emotions in others. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s not.
THE LANGUAGE OF EMOTION
Many people think of negotiation as a competition. Win-win negotiators think of it as an opportunity to collaborate and solve a common problem together. The language you use can support or detract from these mindsets, so it’s important to choose your words wisely.
Words such as I, me, my, mine, you, your, and yours support a competitive negotiating dynamic. I and you contrast sharply and make it clear that we are at opposite ends of the spectrum. These words suggest that I will win and you will lose, or you will win and I will lose. It is difficult to reach a win-win outcome with a “me against you” mentality.
There may be times when you need to say I or you, but try to avoid these words whenever possible. Instead, try to use we, us, and our. These words express collaboration and suggest we are both on the same side, working together to solve our problem.
Using we and other collaborative language helps to set the tone for a win-win. However, when it does come down to I or you, an I statement works better than a you. For example:
“Your asking price is too high.”
This sounds judgmental, with an opinion masquerading as fact. There is also an implied criticism, which will put the other party on the defensive. He may respond by holding onto his position more tightly and trying to justify it in a confrontational dynamic. Consider this instead:
“I feel that your asking price is too high.”
This is my opinion. It is how I feel. We are all entitled to our own feelings and opinions. If I can offer a reason in support, it is even better. In any event, it is non-judgmental and non-confrontational. We can carry on negotiating without any bad feelings.
In addition to using I rather than you, these examples emphasize feelings and perceptions. Your counterpart may not share your feelings or perceptions, but he can hardly fault you for them. Here are some more guidelines to remember:
• Avoid using words that suggest the other party is to blame or is wrong. Do not criticize, judge, or find fault. This will only put your counterpart on the defensive. Instead, emphasize your feelings and perceptions. For example, compare:
“Don’t rush me!”
This suggests that the other party is unfairly pressuring me. It suggests that I am judging him. He may resent the implication.
“I’d like some time to think about it.”
This expresses my feelings without regard to the other party’s motives. It cannot cause offense.
• Describe rather than judge. An objective description of fact may be disputed, but its mere form will not offend the way a judgment will. For example:
“Your offer is unreasonably low.”
Your counterpart may be offended by this judgment on your part. You are saying he is unreasonable.
“I feel your offer of a three per cent increase is inadequate in light of current industry trends.”
This statement is more specific, descriptive, and verifiable, even if “current industry trends” is debatable. It is non-judgmental and unlikely to cause offense.
• The words we use in a negotiation greatly affect its emotional climate. Avoid negative words, value-laden words and emotional or hot button words. Use positive, collaborative, and constructive words.
COMMON EMOTIONS IN NEGOTIATION
Humans experience many feelings and emotions, most of which have little impact on a negotiation. The two that are most likely to derail a negotiation are anger and fear.
Anger
Anger is widely thought to be an ugly emotion, a monster that pops out in stressful situations to urge us on to intimidate, punish, and exact revenge. Anger is the most difficult emotion to control. While it may seem appropriate to display anger at the time, in retrospect it rarely is, and we usually regret it afterwards.
We often express anger in an attempt to intimidate the other party, thereby giving us some measure of control over them. This is easy to understand when we are focused on winning, getting our way, or proving ourselves to be “right.” We must appear strong and in control. Anger lets us do this.
However, there is another way to look at anger. It serves to protect us against some perceived threat to our well-being or self-esteem. As anger is a protective emotion, when we feel anger we must ask what we are protecting ourselves against. We perceive a threat. What is the threat? It is often the result of frustration, the threat of not getting what we want and the need to protect our ego. Similarly, when we see another person expressing anger, we must remember that he feels threatened. What is he threatened by? What is he trying to protect?
Anger is often seen as a sign of strength. In fact, anger is often a sign of weakness or an attempt to protect against vulnerability. True strength consists of controlling our anger, and channeling it in an appropriate manner. While it may be natural to feel anger, a win-win negotiator will react to it constructively. Unless anger is managed, it can derail a negotiation—and a relationship.
The general rule is: don’t express your anger. Of course, there are exceptions. If you do express anger, do so because you choose to act angry when justified. For example, a hard-nosed negotiator may provoke you to test your response. While remaining calm and in control
is normally the best response, you may decide that a controlled release of anger or a display of righteous indignation will show your counterpart that you are not a pushover. Mr Tough Guy might interpret this as a show of strength and respect you more for it. Once you’ve proved your mettle, he won’t mess with you again.
Some negotiators will unleash an outburst of anger in the hope of squeezing a concession from their counterpart. The ploy may succeed, but it will breed resentment, and you may pay the price for it later. You can get a concession without stooping to such low tactics.
Suppose your counterpart is not a win-win negotiator. Suppose he cannot control his emotions, or uses his anger as a club. How should you respond? Here are my suggestions:
• First of all, you must allow his anger to run its course. You cannot reason with someone in an emotionally charged state, so don’t even try. Stop the discussion. Let him vent. This would be a good time to take a break. Use this time to try to understand the reason behind the anger. Resume negotiating only after his anger has dissipated.
• Just because a person has calmed down, do not assume he is no longer angry. Chances are the issues underlying the anger are still there. You must address these concerns, but only after the emotional storm has passed.
• Ask the magic question: “Did I do anything to upset you?” If she says yes, find out what it is and deal with it. If she says no, she will probably recognize that she is dumping on you unfairly and calm down.
• Accept his anger as valid. While expressing anger is not always appropriate, your counterpart has a right to his feelings. Empathize. You might say:
“I see you are angry. You obviously feel strongly about this, and I’d like to understand why this is so important to you.”
Encourage him to share his thoughts, and listen attentively.
• Maintain your own composure in the face of an angry outburst from your counterpart. Do not fight fire with fire—you’ll only get a bigger fire!
• Do not take it personally. Your counterpart may be angry with himself, frustrated with the situation, or trying to mask his own weakness or insecurity. Do not assume you are the target, because chances are you are not.
• Do not appease your counterpart by offering a concession. Make a concession only in exchange for a concession from your counterpart, and only at a point when reason prevails. Once you give something up to buy approval from the other party, guess what you’ll get? More outbursts! And why not— your counterpart will have discovered a successful strategy for negotiating with you.
• Apologize when warranted, or even when it’s not. An apology costs nothing, and it makes the other party feel better. Don’t let pride stand in the way of satisfying your interests.
• Focus on the big picture. Remember that you are not negotiating to prove that you are right or to serve your ego; you are negotiating to satisfy your interests and improve your position.
I went through law school driving a series of clunkers. By my final year, I had had enough of breakdowns and expensive repairs and decided it was time to buy my first new car. After all, I would be a lawyer soon and would be able to pay for it, so why wait? I did my research and decided on an entry-level Volkswagen that had excellent reviews. I also came up with a negotiating strategy: I would tell the salesman that I was not going to trade in my old car, and then after negotiating the best deal possible, I would change my mind and ask how much I could get for my worthless heap. This lawyer-to-be (who had never bought a new car before) was going to teach the unsuspecting salesman (who sold cars every day for a living) a few things about negotiation! After negotiating what seemed like the best deal possible, I sprung my little surprise. The salesman went ballistic! He ranted about how he had been negotiating in good faith and I pulled this [expletive] on him … unethical … [more expletives] … yadda, yadda, yadda … I knew it was all an act, he was a big boy, he had seen this all before, he wasn’t really angry, he just wanted to use the emotional sledgehammer to intimidate me into agreeing to the deal he wanted. I didn’t cave in, or appreciate his manner of customer relations. Which is why my first new car was a Subaru.
Fear
There are four basic types of fear: fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of failure, and fear of rejection. They all have implications for negotiators, so you should understand how they affect you and your counterpart and be prepared to deal with them.
Fear of the unknown
People fear what they do not know or understand. A negotiation may have high stakes and an uncertain outcome; even the process may be unfamiliar and inspire fear.
The antidote to this is preparation. Learn as much as you can about your interests and currencies, as well as those of your counterpart. Develop a strong Plan B. Gather information about the subject matter and context of the negotiation. Get comfortable with the process. Preparation leads to confidence, and confidence helps you to manage fear.
Fear of loss
No one likes to lose, but some people have a strong aversion to risk. In fact, most people are more strongly motivated by a fear of loss than they are by the prospect of gain. Their fear of losing money or paying too much can cause them to miss out on a good opportunity. Conversely, their fear of missing out on an opportunity can cause them to make a bad deal.
Preparation also helps to combat fear of loss. Before you begin bargaining, know your bottom line and your Plan B, and stick to them. Be prepared to walk away. You may reassess these in light of new information and changing situations, but do so with the same sobriety that went into your pre-negotiation assessment.
In addition, understand that a calculated risk is not the same as a foolish risk. There is always some element of risk in a negotiation. However, if you allow yourself to become paralyzed with fear, you will not negotiate much, nor will you gain much. Remember that negotiation has elements of skill and chance, and the more skillful you are at preparing, the less you will be affected by chance.
Fear of failure
While fear of loss and fear of failure often go together, fear of loss relates to tangibles (money, opportunity) while fear of failure relates to intangible losses, such as damage to pride, ego, or reputation, or embarrassment or loss of face. These emotional losses may be harder to bear than monetary losses.
The very prospect of losing face can cause a negotiator to ignore his best interests and embrace a losing cause. As he doesn’t want to admit he was wrong, he continues to pursue a doomed strategy in the irrational hope that things will turn out well. This escalation of commitment strikes even seasoned negotiators. Guard against it with thorough pre-negotiation preparation and by asking team members for reality checks during the negotiation.
A win-win mindset can offset fear of failure, as well as fear of losing and fear of the unknown. Approaching a negotiation as a chance to solve a problem collaboratively with your counterpart minimizes fear of failing or losing as the focus is on getting a win for both parties. The emphasis on asking questions, listening, and empathizing builds trust and sheds light on the unknown. The spirit of exploring options and creating value keeps the discussion positive as fear takes a back seat.
Fear of rejection
A special fear of failure is fear of rejection. We don’t like to hear the word no. Most people, upon hearing the word no, get discouraged and give up. They equate rejection of their request as a personal rejection. They are afraid to pursue the matter for fear they may be seen as overbearing. Sometimes they just don’t want to risk further rejection.
To overcome this fear of rejection, remind yourself that your idea has been rejected, perhaps because your counterpart doesn’t understand your request. Follow up with a “why not?” to understand her thinking. Make sure she understands you.
The word no is rarely final. Whenever you hear a no, treat it as an opening position—an invitation to negotiate. Modify your proposal and consider other options. Try to turn that no into a yes.
While no is usually seen as a rejection, it is be
tter thought of as an opportunity. Recall the discussion of how to handle a no in Chapter 5.
The key to overcoming these fears is preparation—a major theme that I’ve been emphasizing throughout this book. In addition, remember these tips:
• Do not appear too eager for a deal. Once you demonstrate an emotional desire for the subject of the negotiation, your counterpart will be able to deal with you on his terms.
• Have a strong Plan B. This gives you confidence and guarantees you will not be worse off after the negotiation than you were before.
• Be prepared to walk away. Making a bad deal is worse than making no deal at all.
• Do not show fear. Wear your poker face. Remember that much of negotiating power is based largely on perception. It’s important to appear confident and in control.
Bear in mind that your negotiating counterpart, being human, also experiences these fears to some degree. How much will depend on his perceptions, level of confidence, preparation, and strength of will.
One common piece of advice on dealing with fear generally is to tell yourself you are not afraid. This is bad advice! Your body feels the fear and knows you are lying! Instead of trying to deny your fear, reframe it as excitement. Excitement feels like fear, but is positive.
For example, many people love to ride roller coasters. They scream in terror for the entire ride, and then say “That was fun! Let’s do it again!” They label their feeling as excitement instead of fear. If you think you feel fear when contemplating a negotiation, try telling yourself it’s exciting.
PERSONAL ATTACKS
Negotiations can get intense. Long hours, incompatible demands, unmet expectations, personality and cultural clashes, and lack of progress can frustrate the participants. Tempers rise. Harsh words are exchanged. Things can get personal.
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