by Nicky James
“Yeah. It was good to see you guys. Tell Gussy to hang tight.”
As they left, I checked the time on my phone and quickly compared it to my watch. My chest tightened when I saw I’d been chatting for nearly an hour. It didn’t feel right. It felt rushed. As my thoughts danced around the conversation I’d just had with my two workmates, my skin tingled and grew tight.
Squeezing my eyes closed, I gritted my teeth and pushed it away. This was not the place to be having an episode.
My heart knocked angrily, and as beads of sweat pierced my skin, Stacey’s voice tore me back to the present.
“I can set you up a meeting with Doug if you want. He’s going away next week, but I know he’ll want to see you before he leaves.”
Shaking off the buzzing inside my head, I focused on Stacey and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”
The rest of the afternoon was a struggle. The tiny slip at my work sent me tail spinning into chaos.
I went home to an empty apartment. Between bouts of uncontrolled anxiety and flash episodes of rushing, racing time that landed me in a heap on the floor twice when I tried to escape it, I wondered where Beck had wound up.
I couldn’t eat because I couldn’t take my eyes off the clock. Counting minutes became imperative, and I couldn’t break the cycle no matter how hard I tried. It was so exhausting, I wanted to cry.
I needed a distraction. I needed Beck.
But he didn’t come home that night… or the next.
Or the one after that.
Chapter Fifteen
Beckett
Early June could be beautiful during the daytime, but it was fucking cold when the sun went down. I’d spent the entire day and most of the night before warming a bench next to the marina, watching the docked boats bobbing and staring out across the water as I wondered what the hell I was going to do.
It was a horrible sensation realizing I didn’t know myself any longer. All my life, I’d been confident, self-assured, settled on who I was and the direction life was taking me. My childhood was a bit of a clusterfuck, but whose wasn’t.
I foresaw a wife, eventually—whenever I decided to settle down—maybe a few children. I envisaged old age and retirement with that life partner. But it was always a woman. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure anymore. My future, when I tried to see it, was clouded. Distorted. The earth beneath me had cracked open, and I felt like I didn’t know where to put my feet to keep myself upright any longer.
I wasn’t supposed to be thirty years old and confused. Teenagers needed time to sort themselves out. They were the ones who questioned their sexuality, choices, and the paths they took to their future. Not grown men.
I replayed the events of last night over and over again in my mind. Revisited every taste, touch, and smell. Felt the same pull in my chest and the same desire stir my belly. I’d barely taken a minute to clean myself up before fleeing. Gray’s scent was all over me, and I couldn’t escape it.
It was after eleven at night, and I wasn’t ready to go home. I didn’t know what to say yet. I didn’t know what I wanted or how I might react facing Gray. And that wasn’t fair to him. He deserved answers. Instead, I begrudgingly drove to Maria’s. Of all the people in my life, she was the only one I could think of who I felt safe admitting this to. The only person who I knew would look me in the eye and be honest without judgment.
She lived on the tenth floor of a river-facing apartment building. The view was spectacular. I’d visited her a few times in the past when we were planning day trips together to go on hunts for antiques. She was unsettled in her relationships—like me—and lived alone. Always dating a different guy and never quite ready to settle down. Also, like me, her place was a treasure trove of antiques.
I rode the elevator and found her apartment. Staring at the door, I listened to my heart thud as I raised my hand to knock. God, I was a mess.
It took long enough for her to answer, I almost turned to leave. When the door swung open, she was dressed in little boy shorts and a thin tank top with no bra. It was too revealing, and my gaze inadvertently slipped to her chest before I met her eyes. She looked like I’d woken her up.
“Beck?” I must have been wearing a poisoned expression because her surprise shifted to instant concern. “Are you okay? What the hell are you doing here?”
I pushed curls off my forehead and blew out a shaky breath, looking away and back, then away again. “I um… Can I come in?”
She hugged herself and yawned. Her face looked surprisingly plain without all her makeup on. “Sure. It’s kinda late.” She held the door, and I entered. “Do you want a drink or something?”
“Do you have beer?”
“Yeah. Give me a sec.”
“Um… Maria?” I called as she headed to the kitchen. “Your nipples are showing clear as day through that shirt. As much as I love breasts, I don’t wanna see yours. It’s too weird.”
“Classy, Beck.”
“I’m just saying. Can you…” Refusing to look in her direction, I motioned at her undress, begging her to remedy the situation.
Her soft laugh was calming. “To be fair, I was in bed and not expecting company. Beer’s in the fridge. Grab me one too. I’ll find some clothes.”
I found our drinks while Maria jetted down the hall to her bedroom. Sitting on her couch, my knee bounced as I picked at the damp label on the bottle, trying to decide how I was going to explain everything. When she returned, she was wearing an oversized sweatshirt that must have been left behind by some guy because she swam in it.
“So, what happened to you today? I thought you were sick, then Gray showed up in the shop and said you weren’t at home. He said you stayed at Nova’s last night, but I talked to her this afternoon, and she said you bailed not long after dinner.”
“You talked to Gray?”
“Briefly. He was on his way out to an appointment. Came into the shop looking for you. Did something happen? He was a little evasive, and you’re looking like a bag of shit.”
“Thanks.” I sipped my beer and took a steadying breath, bracing myself for confession. “Um… something did kinda happen…” I trailed off, my words scattering in my head. Where did I start?
“Beck, you’re shaking.” She removed my beer from my hands and put it on the coffee table before wrapping her tiny fingers around me securely. “Talk to me, you’re pale as a ghost.”
I squeezed her hands, seeking strength. “Remember a while back you asked if Gray came onto me?”
One hand flew to her mouth, and her eyes bulged. “Oh my God, tell me he didn’t.”
“He didn’t.”
“But…”
“But… Well… a few weeks back, I woke up kinda wrapped around him… doing… stuff.”
“Stuff?”
“Grinding. Rutting… about three seconds from busting a nut all over his ass.”
“Oye.”
“Yeah. It wasn’t on purpose. I was asleep, dreaming probably, but… Gray wasn’t.”
Maria waited, eyes scanning me patiently.
“Gray…he…” I tore my hands from hers and scrubbed my face before falling back on the couch. “He was wide awake. Enjoying it. Took advantage of my little sleep adventure, if you will. We fought. I was really pissed. That’s when he admitted his long-time crush thing. Kinda took me off-guard.”
When I paused, Maria said, “And now living with him and sharing a bed is uncomfortable? He has to understand that you didn’t mean it, right? It’s not your thing.”
I cringed at her wording and scrubbed my tired eyes.
“He was actually good about it once we hashed it out.”
“So… What’s the issue right now. You said this was weeks ago.”
“It was.” I blew out a breath and stared at the blank flat screen across the room, drawing up strength to say the final bit. “Except my brain refused to forget it. And… last night… I may have initiated something… We kinda got off together.”
I mumbled the last b
it so fast I wasn’t sure she caught it. The silence between us was so loud I chanced a peek in her direction. Her mouth was a silent “Oh,” her eyes were huge, and there was a hint of a smirk on her face.
Seeing that expression, my words spewed out of my mouth like vomit. “I’d spent weeks not being able to get that stupid sleep escapade off my mind. I swear to you, I’ve never thought of him like that. Not a single solitary day of my life. But it fucked me up. It was all I could think about after. That’s why I wanted to go out with Nova. But that ended up in a make-out session where Gray was the only fucking thing I could think about. So, I left her house because that wasn’t fair.
“I’m not gay. But… I couldn’t stop myself last night. Something pulled me to do that. He was in a nightmare. Thrashing around. So, I went to him, held him until he woke up. He was so close to me. It all came back in a rush. Things…happened. If I was bisexual, I know before now, wouldn’t I?”
Maria squirmed to her knees and yanked me against her chest, hugging me tightly. I didn’t realize my teeth were chattering and I was shivering with nerves. Sagging against her, engulfed in her lavender laundry soap scent, I held on for all it was worth. I’d slipped into the unknown, and I needed someone solid to hold me up.
“I’m so confused.”
“Shh,” she hushed. “Breathe for a minute. You’re all worked up.”
I listened to the steady rhythm of her heart and closed my eyes, trying to find balance. Maria played with my hair and continued to reassure me.
Once my shakes calmed some, she let me sit back again and handed me my beer. I drank deep, draining half in one gulp. She waited until I met her gaze to speak.
“So, answer this honestly. Did you enjoy it?”
I had, but I couldn’t squeak out affirmation, so I nodded.
“What did Gray say about it?”
“We didn’t really talk. It all… ended, and we were both a little speechless. Well, I was in shock, I think. Gray knew I was freaking out, so he gave me an out.”
“And you split.”
I nodded again, finishing my beer. Maria took my empty and went to find me a refill. I took that minute to try and pull myself together.
When she returned, she set my drink on the table and perched on the couch facing me. “So, if you liked it, what’s the problem? Do you want to pursue something with Gray?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I’m a little freaked out right now.”
“What’s freaking you out?”
I flinched. Wasn’t it obvious?
“He’s a guy. I’ve never been attracted to a guy before. Why now? Why has everything changed? Why the hell is my body responding to him like this?”
“He’s your best friend, Beck. You two have always been close. Maybe… you just never thought about him that way before. His accident brought you two in much closer proximity. Maybe you are seeing things that have always been there but that you have never acknowledged. That little sleep episode might have jump-started your brain. Maybe subconsciously, you’ve felt an attraction but didn’t know it until now.”
“Am I bisexual?”
She laughed softly and took my hand. “I think only you can answer that.”
“But I don’t look at guys and find them attractive or want to do things with them. I never have.”
“Except you do with Gray now.”
Her statement gave me pause. “Yeah… I do.”
Oh, the things I’d envisaged us doing…
Admitting it made my heart rate spike again.
“Sexuality isn’t black and white. Sure, you are physically attracted to women. You date lots. You fuck lots, but have you ever settled down? No. I’m not saying a woman wouldn’t come along and give you that urge to commit to more, but you’ve never found that emotional connection. Consider the level of friendship you and Gray have. There are some people out there who need the emotionally strong connection first before they can be sexual with someone. Maybe that’s how it is with Gray. Your friendship is solid enough you feel comfortable and interested in having something deeper. Taking it someplace new.”
Comfortable wasn’t the right word, because I certainly didn’t feel comfortable right now. But I understood what she was saying.
“I don’t feel any less freaked out.”
“That’s probably normal. Are you okay with what you two shared? Do you want more?”
I thought about the more part. It was what I’d been rolling around my head all day. Did I want more? What did it entail? A public relationship with a guy meant a lot of things. It wasn’t just me feeling comfortable being sexual with Gray, it was me being comfortable with everyone seeing me as bisexual. My friends. My family. Gray hadn’t stayed in the closet long. He was open and unapologetic about his sexuality. I would never ask him to be any different.
“I’m not sure what I want yet,” I answered honestly. “And I don’t want to string him along until I’m sure. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Seems fair. Have you talked to him today?”
“No. He texted me this afternoon. I didn’t answer. I don’t know what to say yet.”
“Well, figure yourself out and try not to take too long. This is probably eating Gray alive.”
And he had enough going on with his rehabilitation. He didn’t need me causing more problems for him.
“Can I crash on your couch tonight? I can’t go home yet.”
“Yeah.” She yawned again. “I’ll find you some blankets.”
* * *
Maria’s kindness and patience only lasted so long. Maybe it was because I’d begged her to work every day that week so I wouldn’t have to run into Gray. Or maybe it was because I’d been holed up on her couch for three nights in a row, eating her food and drinking her beer. Hiding from the world and myself.
Whatever the reason, she barreled into her apartment that day, took one look at my sorry ass curled up under a blanket on her couch watching The Simpsons, and let me have it.
“Okay, this is enough. Go home, Beck! I want my apartment back. Gray looks like a zombie, and you don’t look much better. It’s time to talk to him. I don’t mean to be a bitch, but you’re putting a serious kink in my sex life.”
“Three days put a kink in your sex life? Seriously?”
“Don’t judge me.” She marched over and tore the blanket from my body, picked up the remote and clicked the TV off. “I didn’t want to force your hand, but if I don’t kick you out, I’m afraid you’ll hide under this rock for the rest of your life. Maybe that works for you, but it isn’t working for Gray.”
“What’s wrong with Gray?” I asked sitting up. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, the guy looks like shit. I went upstairs to see if he was all right yesterday, and I’m not shitting you when I say I think your man is losing his fucking mind. He looked downright squirrely. You fucked him up getting kinky with him and walking out.”
I didn’t think that was it. Not that I was passing the blame, but Gray had been acting strangely before I left. It was just something that kept getting shoved into the background because I’d been so focused on my mixed-up feelings toward him.
“Dammit. Okay, okay, I’m going. Can I at least shower?”
“It’s not gonna change the fact that you’ve been wearing the same clothes for three goddamn days. Beck, just go home.”
She was right. I stood and tried unsuccessfully to smooth out my wrinkled clothes. “Did you say anything to him? Does he know I told you?”
“I didn’t own up to anything. I didn’t even tell him you were staying here, although I’m sure he suspects it. He knows we’re talking.”
“Okay.”
Before I reached the door, she called out again. “Beck, go easy on him. I don’t know what you’ve decided, but he’s got a lot of shit going on right now. Regardless of your decision, he needs you.”
But what about my feelings or the fact that I felt shattered inside? Unsure and unstable. She was right,
though. This couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Gray didn’t need me being all wishy-washy. He needed solid support. My friendship if nothing more.
What if Maria was right. What if it took Gray’s accident for me to officially see what we could have? Remembering how close I’d come to losing him from my life made me sick. There was no one I’d ever bonded with on this level. Gray was everything. Always had been. Since we were kids, we’d always had each other’s back. Best friends to the end, we used to say
I left Maria’s without another word. The sunset was too bright on the horizon. I squinted as I drove, my heart racing at the possibilities waiting for me at home. After I parked, I killed the engine and sat for a long time, psyching myself up for confrontation.
The quest into the unknown was more daunting than I realized. I’d never been with a guy. Never kissed a guy. Never considered fucking a guy or, for that matter, being fucked by a guy. I was clueless. Admittedly, I was curious—terrified—but I didn’t know where to begin.
The endless churning of thoughts was exhausting. Tangled in the grips of fear and trepidation, I got out of the car and slowly approached the back door. There was even a shade of embarrassment in the mix from having run out on Gray and abandoning him for so long.
I climbed the back stairs to my apartment and stood quietly on the landing, listening for any indication of life beyond the door. Faint sounds from the kitchen floated through like someone was cooking. Sizzling from a frying pan maybe? The scent of charred meat? Bracing myself, blowing out a staggering breath, I went inside.
Chapter Sixteen
Beckett
If he heard me come in, he made no motion to acknowledge me. Back rigid, he sat on a chair at the kitchen table with a scattering of papers strewn overtop, his phone positioned front and center, his watch beside it, and a pencil in his hand which he tapped restlessly in quick succession.
There was something burning in the frying pan on the stove, but he seemed oblivious. For a minute, I simply stood in the doorway and watched him. His left knee bounced as fast as the pencil, and he was muttering to himself.