by Nicky James
Until it was complete, I suffered with the small, single stall shower on the main floor. It was awkward and trying, but I made the best of it.
“Call if you need money. Don’t be too proud. We want to help.”
“You guys have done enough. I already told Dad he didn’t need to pay for the truck but—”
“But yes, he did. You need to drive. Keep practicing. You’ll be on the road again before you know it.”
Not before my head was better. Right now, I didn’t trust myself out there in traffic. There were still too many unexpected moments where I encountered episodes. The last thing I wanted to be doing if one snuck up was driving.
“Thanks, Mom.”
It was another twenty minutes before I managed to get them out of the house and on the road to the airport. I hadn’t spent that much time with my parents in over ten years. The relief at finally sending them off was enough I wanted to lie down and take a nap.
Instead, I went to the kitchen and checked the schedule I had pinned to the fridge. Only then did I reference the time and match it up to where in my day I was at. Awareness. That was what Dr. Kelby was trying to build. Steady awareness of activities and time management. It felt ridiculous at first, but I couldn’t deny the results.
The anxiety meds cushioned my panic significantly. I still slipped, but the control I maintained was much greater than before. It was taking time, but I was getting better.
It was three o’clock.
Beck would be locking up shop in about two hours. That gave me time to prepare dinner and practice a few meditative activities before he showed up.
At first, I’d balked the idea of meditation and yoga as a means of staying calm, but it had proven effective. On days I was more wound up, I increased my time spent on those activities and managed to battle through without an excessive loss of control.
Knowing Beck was coming over instantly gave me a burning need to stay focused. That was why I’d left him in the first place. Before, every time I turned around, I fell apart. Beck had constantly been picking up the pieces. It wasn’t how I wanted him to see me.
Since it was a beautiful summer day, I figured I’d fire up the grill and barbecue hamburgers for dinner. Served with a fresh salad—since my mother relented and allowed the use of lettuce in our diets now—I figured it’d make a nice meal.
I prepared the ground beef—seasoned it and formed it into patties—chopped some tomatoes, cucumbers, and peppers and added them to a bowl. By the time I was finished, tires on the gravel driveway leading up to the house caught my attention.
Butterflies erupted in my stomach, throwing me off guard, and I smiled as I washed my hands. It’d been a long month without Beck. I missed him.
I found a couple of plates in the cupboard and two cold cans of Coke in the fridge. As I popped their tabs and poured them over ice, a knock sounded on the door. I frowned and left them on the counter to go answer.
I yanked the door open. Beck stood on the other side with his hands shoved in the pockets of his cargo shorts, his hair damp from a recent shower and a hint of disquiet on his face.
“You never knock. Why are you knocking?”
He shrugged, and I caught the edge of a smile as he peered toward the back of the house. “Looks good. You’d never guess there was ever damage.”
“Yeah. They did a good job.” I couldn’t take my eyes off him and waited for him to turn back, make eye contact, or something. He looked nervous. Had I done that to him?
When he continued to study the yard, I pulled the door open further. “You coming in, or you just gonna stand there?”
Our eyes met for a beat but his darted away just as fast when he moved past me into the house.
“I thought I’d barbecue up some burgers. That okay?”
“Sure. Your parents gone?”
“Yes,” I growled, heading for the kitchen. I smacked him across the back of the head on my way by. “No thanks to you. Thirty-four days! Thirty-fucking-four days of my mother hovering over me. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”
I collected the plate of raw beef patties and turned back to him. He watched me, a slight crease between his brows. He was all seriousness and not laughing at my expense as I expected.
“I’m not going to apologize for that. You shut me out at the worst possible time and left me no choice. The things you said to me… What did you expect me to do?”
“I know,” I mumbled, scanning his face. “I’m sorry, it’s just—”
“I get it. I don’t blame you, but when you scare the fuck out of me like that, you can’t blame me either for doing what I thought was right.”
“I don’t.”
We were at a standstill. It was becoming more and more clear how much my absence had hurt him. How much my actions had left their mark.
“I told my mother about us,” I said, hoping to lighten the mood.
His eyes widened, and the barest impression of a smile crested his face. “No shit. And?”
“I’m pretty sure she’s rented a hall and will be sending out wedding invitations the minute she’s home.”
“Fuck.” He laughed, and it was beautiful. “Why am I not surprised.”
“Because this is my mother we’re talking about. She’s always loved you.”
I guided him to the back porch door and out onto the deck where I had the barbecue uncovered and ready to go. He grabbed our drinks, and once I had the meat on the grill, we settled onto a couple loungers as they sizzled.
“So how did she really take it? Was she surprised?” he asked.
“Surprised, yes. Shocked to the core. Dad too. I don’t think they believed me at first.” I chuckled, remembering it. “There was a flash of worry in Mom’s eyes, and I truly think she feared I’d lost my mind and was making it all up. But honestly, she’s thrilled. They both are.”
I sipped my drink and added, “Once the shock settled, she cried. Said there is no one better suited for me.”
“Then did she smack you upside the head for walking away?”
“She had a few choice words. Let’s just say, she did not take my side.”
I got up to flip the burgers and turn down the gas since they were cooking too fast. Beck’s presence behind me rang with an air of waiting and wanting. He had a million questions swimming on the surface of his eyes.
Where to begin?
“I’m still struggling, Beck. I might for a long time. Dr. Kelby says these things don’t go away overnight. I still have episodes. I still panic. I still have nightmares—although they’re getting better.” I faced him and said the last part while looking into his eyes, needing to see his reaction. “My emotions are still unpredictable. Less intense, but still all over the place. I can’t always hold it together like I want.”
He set his drink down on the deck and approached. “None of that ever mattered to me, Gray.”
“That’s bullshit. It did so. I left you struggling with your own problems—problems I created—and I couldn’t be there for you.”
He twitched his nose, adjusting his glasses as he thought. “Are the meds helping?”
“Yeah. I’m fucking tired all the time. Those anxiety pills knock me on my ass, but Mom thought that was good. She says I need sleep.”
“You do.”
The sounds of sizzling meat and the rich scent of spices filled the air. We both hung in place, unsure what else to say. There was static charging the space between us. A yearning we both felt but didn’t know how to address.
Beck rocked on his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets. “So where do you see this going from here? Is this dinner just an interlude to more long lonely nights apart?”
“No,” I whispered.
“Are we… is this…” He swung a finger between us. “What is this? Are we friends? Are we lovers? Are we dating?” He chuckled. “I mean, if Vivian has her way, we’ll be married by Christmas, but I need something solid to stand on, Gray. A direction, so I know what to expect.”
“We’ll never stop being friends. Are you kidding?”
A flash of disappointment appeared in his hazel eyes. Before he got the wrong idea, I went on.
“But I want more. If you’ll have me, broken and emotionally unstable as I am. Not just friends. Lovers. Boyfriends. Whatever word you want to use. But if you want to keep your distance, I understand. No matter what you decide, I can’t see a day where I’ll ever stop loving you.”
Beck stepped forward and found my hand. A look of wonder replacing the disappointment. “I want more,” he said, his words a little shaky. “I want everything. I didn’t even know I could have this with you a few months ago. It never crossed my mind. But when I opened my eyes and saw the possibilities in front of me, I knew there was no turning back. Maybe it was scary and brought a lot of questions to mind—which I had to figure out on my own, thank you very much—but I didn’t want to back out. I’ve always loved you as a friend. What I didn’t know, was that I could be in love with you until I found myself right in the thick of it. Suddenly, nothing else mattered. I fucking love you, Gray. So much, my chest has been empty and aching for a month.”
Unable to hold off any longer, I took his face and brought us together in a slow, deliberate kiss that rooted a sense of peace into my core. His tongue swept with mine, and time hung suspended—for once, in a way I could handle. We shared the moment, tasting, touching, regaining something we’d not paid enough attention to all those weeks ago. With all the shit I’d endured, Beck was the best happy ending I could have asked for.
When we came apart, he was smiling.
“As much as I’d like this to continue, our dinner will burn, and I’m starving,” I said, cradling his cheek in my palm.
We moved apart reluctantly, and I removed the burgers from the grill. After filling our plates and refreshing our drinks, we decided to eat on the back deck and enjoy the evening sunshine. The rush of the stream in the background and the rustle of the leaves blowing in the breeze was soothing.
“I still can’t believe you ventured to a gay bar all by yourself,” I said as we ate.
“I never hated going with you before. I just wasn’t fond of being hit on. It was awkward. Still was.”
“Someone hit on you this time?” I stopped eating, curious and a tad jealous that he’d wandered off to check out men at a bar.
“Not really. Well, at first I thought the bartender might have been flirting.”
I tried not to smile, unsuccessfully. “Which one?”
“Small guy. Bleached out hair, eyeliner. Full lips. Piercing. I didn’t ask for his name.”
“Krew, and yes, he was probably flirting. If you’d have hung out, you’d have probably been his next conquest. The guy’s a player.”
“And you know this how?”
I shrugged, a grin tugging at my mouth. “Because I might have been played by that one a year or so ago.”
“Really?” Beck didn’t look upset. More thoughtful. “He really didn’t do anything for me. Besides, he was hanging off some older guy, so I don’t think he was truly flirting.”
“So, no one stuck out? No one caught your eye and tweaked interest in your dick?”
Beck kicked me in my left shin and shook his head. “You’re just a jealous freak. No one did anything for me. But I think I know why.”
“Why is that?”
“Because my heart wasn’t in it. If I’d have been surrounded by hot women, I’d have had the same non-reaction. You were the only thing on my mind that night and the only person I wanted. No one else would have ever been good enough.”
“Flatterer.”
He kicked me again, and we both laughed.
I collected our empty plates and returned them inside, leaving them in the sink to be taken care of later. We spent the evening on the deck, talking like we’d been doing for over twenty years. It was easy and necessary. We both needed to find our balance again.
When I caught Beck stifling a yawn a few hours later, I nudged his foot. “Are you spending the night?”
“You invited me. You changing your mind?”
“No. Come on. It’s getting late, and I don’t want you falling asleep just yet.”
“Oh?” He grinned mischievously. “You mean we’re not going to crawl into bed and sleep peacefully until morning?”
I held out my hand and encouraged him to stand. “Not yet.” I pecked a quick kiss on his lips and dragged him inside.
He collected his bag, and we made a slow climb to the second floor and my bedroom on the south side. I flicked on the light and Beck stood in the doorway looking around.
“You’ve got a big fucking room.”
I sat on the edge of my bed and worked at removing my prosthesis. “You’ve never come up here, have you?”
“Briefly, to get you some clothes when you were discharged, but I didn’t really look around. It’s nice.”
My king-sized bed took up one wall and sat under the window. There were two dressers, a comfortable recliner beside a small bookcase, a lamp, an area rug over the hardwood floor, and paintings on the walls. Navy and burgundy highlights paired nicely with the cream-colored paint.
“It’s big for just me, so it’s nice to have company.” I watched his face while I spoke and warmed at the smile my comment caused. “Come here,” I said when he met my gaze.
He dropped his bag beside the bed and sat beside me. I shuffled around to face him and stroked his thigh, waiting for his gaze to find mine.
“I’ve missed you,” I said. “I know I was the one to walk away, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t long for you all the time.”
“You need to promise me you won’t do that again, Gray. I can handle whatever you throw at me, but that… that was hell.”
I leaned in and captured his mouth, pushing him back so he lay on the bed as I maneuvered over top of him. “I’m not going anywhere,” I said between kisses. “And I don’t want you to either.”
We kissed with long-suppressed need. Fiercely, we pressed against one another, demanding, and taking what we needed. I nipped his bottom lip, sucking it into my mouth and groaned when he thrust his hips off the bed, pressing his erection into my thigh.
“I want you to fuck me. I’ve missed you, Beckett. I need to be close to you.”
He pulled off and held my face, not allowing me to advance again. “No,” he said, his voice steady and sure.
A sinking dread seeped in, but before I could worry, he continued, “I want it the other way. I want you inside me. I want to know what that’s like.”
My blood warmed. “Are you sure?” I hadn’t pushed this point because I’d been such a mess, and I knew I couldn’t focus on making sure I didn’t hurt him.
“More than sure. I’ve thought about it a lot. Not gonna lie, I’m freaked out a bit because that python you’re concealing doesn’t look like it’d fit, but… I trust you.”
Speechless, I closed my mouth over his again and told him with actions what his suggestion did to me. His hands roamed all down my back and slipped under my pants where he squeezed my ass and pulled me closer. We ground together and groaned with the pleasure.
“Oh,” Beck said, pulling back again. “One more thing.” He wiggled underneath me enough so he could dig his phone out of his pocket. Studying the screen, he found whatever he was looking for and turned his phone around.
I took a second to understand what I was looking at, but the moment it dawned on me, I slapped his phone away and peered down into his waiting gaze.
“Well?” he asked.
“You want me to fuck you bare?”
“That’s why I got tested. This isn’t some hook up for me, Gray. I’m serious about this being serious. While you dealt with your thing, I thought I’d do this so hopefully next time we were together I could prove just what kind of future I want with you.”
“You’re the only person I’ve been with in ten months. I get tested regularly, even though I’m always safe.”
“So?”
I nodded, the enormity of what he was asking surfacing. “You know I’ve never even considered doing this raw before. Not with anyone. No one has been that special to me.”
Beck laughed and thrust his hips up at the same time he bit into his bottom lip. “Am I that special to you?”
I grinned and rocked against him, our clothing feeling more confining and restricting by the minute. “More than. So… it’s settled.”
“It’s settled. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting naked.” He rolled us until I was underneath him, and he straddled my waist. Then he proceeded to strip off his T-shirt, knocking his glasses askew in the process.
I reached up and removed them, setting them carefully on the bedside table. With his bare chest exposed, I didn’t waste a minute. Running my hands up his front, I reveled in the feel of him under my palms.
All the times we’d fucked before had been tainted with an urgency and desperation. I wanted to give Beck slow and gentle. I wanted him to feel the love I carried for him in my heart.
He tugged at my shirt, and I lifted enough to get it off. Our mouths joined again while our fingers fumbled with buttons and zippers on pants. Naked, our bodies slipped together wonderfully. Warm and needy. We kissed for a long time before I reached blindly into the bedside table’s drawer for lube.
Remembering that dildo I’d found in his bedroom a long time ago, I asked, “Have you ever had that dildo in your ass?”
He flinched and narrowed his eyes. “Snoop.”
I shrugged. “Have you?”
“No. I bought it thinking I might, but I never got the nerve.”
“Fingers?”
A small blush tinted his cheeks. “Yeah, but no more than one. Go easy on me, big guy. I told you, I’m a real newb at this.”
“Switch me positions.” I tapped his bare thigh and encouraged him to roll off me.
On his back, I rested beside him, scanning his body and treating myself to a full view of the man I’d loved forever. Tickling my fingers over his thigh, I watched his face as he peered back in anticipation.
“Close your eyes and relax best you can.”