‘I am well my Majesty.’ Would come his well-rehearsed reply.
After this, I was often lost for words. I hadn’t touched him since that first night, even though my fingertips still burned at the sight of him. He consumed my every waking thought, and he ruled my restless dreams—but my desire was now stained with guilt because of the changes in him. His carefree manner and easy laugh were gone, and I wanted to ask if he was unhappy, but I was scared by what his answer might be. So, I buried my fears, convincing myself that this was a better life, and that one day he would see that.
But the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, and eventually, I stopped summoning him, settling instead for watching from afar. I toyed with the idea of returning him to the river, but I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him just yet. Maybe just a few more weeks and then I could let him go. I just wanted a little more time with the beautiful young man who’d stolen my heart with his love song on the riverbank.
Finally, the day came when I realized that keeping him hurt more than letting him go. I was standing on the terrace, the hot morning sun burning my dark hair. Aydin was in the courtyard talking with another healer. The mere sight of him still tightened my stomach and challenged my composure. I watched as his hands embellished his words, reinforcing a point he was trying to make. His movements were fluid, masculine yet graceful—like a song given life. His companion laughed, clipping Aydin’s shoulder in jest. A rare smile pulled me closer, and I wished I could hear what he was saying. He must have seen the movement and his head turned, his smile still in place. The beauty of it shamed the sun, but it soon faded when he saw me watching—and that was when I lost all hope. The pain was unbearable. I looked down at my clenched hands, aggrieved by the hollow ache in my chest.
‘He is mocking you.’
The unexpected voice startled me, but I didn’t react. I knew it was Samuel, and I did not wish to give him the satisfaction of a response.
I felt him shift behind me, his lips hovered beside my ear. ‘You forget he is a slave,’ he whispered, his breath caressing my neck. ‘Required to do whatever you ask. If you want something my Majesty, I suggest, you just take it.’
His words dug into my skull, and a moment later I turned to confront him, but all that remained was the lingering scent of cassia and bitterness. I felt sick with humiliation, and I looked back at Aydin who, for once, was watching me. His companion was gone, and he stood alone, his head tilted with a curious expression. Suddenly my anger surged—Samuel was right, I was done with patience, this man was making a fool of me, and I would not tolerate it any longer. I held his gaze as I walked to the edge of the terrace, but he looked away as though disinterested. Intense frustration balled my hands into fists. I wanted to scream at him, to see him dragged away and whipped. How dare he treat me like this. He was a slave, and I was his queen. To think I was considering his release. This man belonged to me, and tonight he would learn exactly what that meant.
I stormed back to my chamber, and I ordered the servants to fill the bath in the room next to mine. Spurred on by a jug of wine and unsated lust, I brushed my hair and applied make-up.
A servant appeared. ‘It is ready my Majesty,’ she said with a bow.
I followed her into the room where the large bath of sun-warmed water sat surrounded by cloth draped pillars and flickering candles. The late afternoon light streamed in through several windows, revealing milk swirling below slicks of perfumed oil. I parted my lips and inhaled, allowing the scent of cinnamon and myrrh to coat my tongue. I loved to bathe—the seductive caress of the water as it touched every part of me was intoxicating, and tonight Aydin would touch me with that same intimacy.
I removed my clothes and slipped into the warm fluid, the rich scent of luxury seeping into my skin. I swam to the side finding a sunken step, the nerves I’d hidden floated to the surface. I grasped the cool metal goblet, laid out by my servants, and gulped the contents. The sweet red wine numbed my fingers, toes, and worries—I was ready to be Queen.
A noise outside hurried my servant to investigate. I watched as she peeked through the door and whispered to someone. ‘He is here my Majesty,’ she relayed
I nodded. A guard entered with Aydin trailing behind. I swallowed my tension. ‘Leave us,’ I commanded. The guard seemed unsure. ‘Now!’
The roomed cleared, if Aydin was concerned, it didn’t show. He stood staring at the floor with his hands behind his back. A creamy swath of linen was draped over his chest and pelvis, held tight at the waist by a leather band. His dark curls had grown over his ears, and a well-trimmed beard smoothed the hollows of his cheeks.
I eased off my bench and slithered through the water, finding the steps that lead from the bath. ‘Would you care to join me, Aydin?’
His eyelids flickered. ‘If my Majesty wishes.’
‘I do wish…but you will have to disrobe first.’
His chin lifted slightly but his moment of defiance didn’t last. With slow movements, he undid his leather belt. I watched him greedily, savoring every delicious second. The pale material flowed to the floor, pooling around his feet.
My tongue caught between my teeth as soul-numbing need lit every nerve in my body. My eyes caressed his nakedness, admiring his hard earned, muscular perfection. His taut abdomen emphasized broad shoulders and his strong forearms brushed his carven thighs. A coating of dark hair covered his upper chest and groin while his stomach remained smooth. I was mesmerized by every part of him, but his apparent lack of desire was disturbing—I decided to change this.
I walked up the bath steps. Water streamed down my body leaving a smooth coat of glossy oil on my skin. A trail of wet footprints recorded my journey towards him; he went to kneel.
‘Stay as you are,’ I ordered.
As I moved closer, I was a little surprised by how he towered above me—my chin barely reached his shoulders. I paused, gathering the courage to give my next command. ‘Look at me.’
The world seemed to slow as I stood there waiting. All I could hear was the soft drip of water falling from my fingertips. His forehead tightened and his mouth twitched as his eyes finally lifted. His gaze hit like cold water and I nearly dropped to my knees. The simple act of eye contact had been banished from my life, and I was not prepared for the intimacy that followed. His eyes were incredible—rich and dark, patterned by flecks of gold and green. He held my stare as I held my breath, and my confidence began to falter. I lifted my chin trying to remember who I was, and he averted his eyes, but not before they reluctantly consumed the details of my body. My resolution returned, as I noticed the first signs of arousal.
I took a final step so I could touch him, touch any part I wanted. His earthy scent sunk into my lungs and unchallenged need steadied my hands. The need between my thighs intensified, boiling into my stomach. I flexed my fingers, enjoying the anticipation.
Very, very slowly, I reached up. I felt heat before I even touched him. My fingernails grazed the skin on his chest and the hair tickled my fingertips. Strange vibrations ran the length of my arm, and I let my hand slide down the front of his torso. My eyes followed, and I was pleased to see his body displaying an obvious appetite. I smiled gently, my fear wholly gone. I loved owning this man, knowing he could bring me pleasure whenever I wanted it, and now I knew he wanted it too. I lamented not doing this sooner.
I found his broad, calloused hand. Turning it over, I traced the lines of his palm before bringing it to my lips and kissing each fingertip. His shoulders rose as he inhaled deeply.
‘Touch me,’ I whispered placing his rough palm on my breast. His thumb shifted, caressing my nipple, I moaned and leaned forward. His hand slipped to my hip, the motion was gentle, decisive. I moved closer tucking my head under his chin. I kissed the slope of his shoulder as his hands tightened around my waist, pulling me closer. Sinful delight colored my cheeks, as I tasted the ridges of his neck. He groaned, and I felt his fingers dig into the soft flesh of my lower back until it was almost painful. I inhaled s
harply, and his hands fell away.
‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered, stepping back.
I grabbed his wrist. ‘Don’t be sorry,’ I replied, worried that I was losing him ‘Come with me.’
He didn’t resist as I lead him into the water. When it was deep enough, I turned. He was staring off into the distance. Draping my arms around his neck I pressed my chest against his. I waited hoping he would claim me, that his lips would join mine and he would make that one final move to unite us. But his arms stayed limp, and all he did was close his eyes.
A cold chill ran up my back. ‘You want this, don’t you,’ I whispered—it was neither statement nor question, just a need for reassurance. His eyes flickered to life, and he turned his head away. I seized his jaw and twisted his face back. ‘Look at me.’ His pupils dilated as our eyes joined, but his stare was cold. ‘You want this,’ I repeated without conviction.
The look on his face crippled my last scrap of confidence. ‘Not like this,’ he finally answered. I leaped back, the water slowing my violent retreat. His face softened, and he followed, reaching after me. ‘Wait my Majesty. You don’t…’
‘Get out!’ I cried, cutting him short. ‘Guards!’
They stormed in and wild splashes of perfumed water rained down as they tried to drag him away. ‘Let me go!’ he yelled. ‘My Majesty, please.’
A guard struck his face, and he fell into the water.
‘Don’t hurt him!’ I screamed.
They dragged him out; blood ran down his chin. They pushed him to his knees and tossed his clothes over him. I sunk down, letting the water cover my quivering chin. He stayed motionless, awaiting condemnation. I wanted to punish him; I wanted to prove…to prove I didn’t care. But I did, I did care—I cared so much that it tore me apart, leaving my soul raw and exposed. I hated how he made me feel; I wanted him gone, but I didn’t want him gone because he made me feel, and feeling something was better than nothing…even if it hurt so very, very much.
‘Let him go,’ I whispered. ‘He has done nothing wrong.’
***
The days that followed were a haze. I barely left my chamber, such was my humiliation, but I could not stop thinking about him, and it took great restraint to not summon him.
Five days later a guard arrived with a message. ‘The healer, Aydin, wishes an audience with my Majesty.’
I stared at the guard until he became uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to answer. Aydin had never initiated a meeting before so why would he ask now? What did this mean? What did it matter?
‘Very well,’ I finally muttered.
I was beyond nervous by the time the guards returned with him. He entered with long strides, kneeling close enough to touch. Loose garments of royal red hung from his large frame, and he exuded a confidence I’d not seen since the river. A faint bruise marked his cheek where he’d been struck.
I bit my lip and glanced at the guards. ‘Go,’ I demanded. I was tempted to instruct Aydin to stand, but I didn’t have the strength. ‘You wish to ask something?’ I said quietly.
His shoulders rose, and for one moment I thought he would look up, but thankfully he didn’t. ‘I would like to acknowledge my Majesty for teaching me the art of healing,’ he said, his voice as hypnotic as ever. ‘And I wish to ask permission to take this gift beyond the palace to share with your subjects.’
My skin cooled—it was my worst fear come true. Forcing myself upon him had made him want to leave. This was what he was really asking for, and I wanted him to admit it. My nails dug into the palms of my hands. ‘Why?’
‘For no other reason than to ease the suffering.’
I didn’t believe him. ‘What suffering?’
He hesitated. ‘Your people are gravely ill, my Majesty.’
His words pushed my selfish needs aside. ‘What do you mean?’
‘They are dying?’
‘From what?’
‘Neglect, my Majesty.’
My breath caught leaving me faint. Was this a part of his ploy, or did he speak the truth? I’d heard rumors, but they couldn’t have been true. Samuel said my people were happy, but then again, Samuel said a lot of things. I clutched at my stomach—I didn’t want Aydin to go, but this was possibly my only chance to win him back, or lose him, I wasn’t sure which, but I knew refusal would guarantee only one.
A deep ache settled. I was being called upon to make a real decision, something I so rarely did. ‘I will allow it,’ I finally replied.
I regretted the words the second I said them. Every muscle ached, and I didn’t know what to do, the potential loss was devastating. His head lifted, but I looked away before he could see my welling tears. From the corner of my eye, I saw his hand extending. Desperate to feel his touch one last time, I lay my palm on his. He stood and his fingers tightened around mine. I looked up; it was a struggle to stay standing—his expression was hard to describe.
‘Please don’t fear my not returning,’ he whispered.
I inhaled sharply. How did he know that the thought of him leaving terrified me? The sheer enormity of everything was suddenly overwhelming. Ripping my hand free of his grip, I staggered to the window. Damn this man for making me feel like this. Damn him for knowing me so well. I heard him shift, but I did not turn. I stared out at the night, out at my kingdom, in the distance a ribbon of light snaked through the landscape—it was the moon reflecting off my river, and behind me stood my stolen river god. He was a man I knew nothing about, taken from an unknown life and unknown people. He was nobody so why did I feel like he was the one in control? I wanted to yell at him, to know his thoughts, to tell him how I felt, to see if I meant anything to him, or did he hate me for what I had done…but what was the point, he was lost to me.
‘You may leave,’ I said, as firmly as I could.
There was more meaning in that sentence than anyone would ever hear. His footsteps faded, and the door closed behind him. And that was all it took for him to be gone from my life.
***
Just after dawn, I watched as he packed a wooden cart. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, but I wanted to see him one last time. He was dressed simply, wearing nothing that identified him as a royal healer, in every way he was a commoner once more. He tied the last rope, and then he looked in my direction. Even from a distance, I could see how his face lit up—it was the first time he’d smiled like that since I’d taken him from the river, and it was how I hoped to remember him.
I returned to stare at the forecourt time and again. I knew he wouldn’t come back, but I couldn’t help punishing myself.
People came, people went, and by the time the Sun God completed his journey, all hope was lost forever. I pulled myself upright trying to convince myself I was glad. What I’d felt for him had been a lie, a silly daydream that had done more damage than good. It was time to return to reality and focus on being queen.
With a final sigh, I turned to leave, but just as I was about to step inside, I heard a cry from the gate. I didn’t want to look, but I did, just to prove what a fool I was…and there he was. I couldn’t believe it, my light was back, and it would never be dark again.
I went to my chamber, determined not to go to him. I sat reading scrolls trying to distract myself, but not a word went in.
When it became too much, I called a guard and handed him a note. ‘Please take this to Aydin.’ He bowed and left.
I tried to imagine Aydin’s face when he read the message declaring my imminent arrival, I’d never met him or anyone outside my palace before.
My body shook as I walked between the pillars lining the open forecourt. The stern eyes of carved gods looked down from the walls condemning me with their silence. Only advisors and I lived within the main palace, all other court staff resided in the maze of buildings near the forecourt entrance. My shoes tapped noisily on the stone pavers, echoing the beat of my heart. Shadows crept from every corner challenging the flickering torches and my bravery.
Soon I was at Aydin’s door wh
ich was easy enough to find since I’d chosen his residence myself. The entrance was shielded from view, something that was also not a mistake.
I halted. Do I knock? I’d never been in a situation where my arrival wasn’t announced. I held my breath and tapped gently. There was movement inside, as though someone had stumbled. Footsteps approached, and the door opened. Aydin bowed awkwardly as I stepped into his house and he closed the door behind us.
The room was dark and small, lit by several oil lamps. Against the far wall multiple scrolls, plants, and bottles lined a series of shelves. The smell resembled some tonics I’d been given in the past. The jumbled room was fascinating and clean, but far from tidy.
I inhaled deeply, taking in more of the strange scents. He stood, his eyes cast downwards, waiting for me to speak. I turned to face him; he was closer than I expected. He went to kneel.
‘No,’ I said quickly. He hesitated. ‘Please, there is no need.’ He nodded and straightened, his eyes still fixed on the floor. I wanted him to look at me, but it would have been too much. I cleared my throat. ‘Tell me about these objects,’ I said indicating towards the shelves.
‘It would be an honor my Majesty.’ The air stirred as he walked towards the mystery potions and I longed to stroke his forearm as he passed. He touched a small jar. ‘This is powdered charcoal; mixed with honey, it is good for wounds and infection.’ He moved to the next one. ‘These are mustard seeds; digested they assist with pain.’
He continued without pause; I felt the passion for his work. My nagging guilt eased; maybe he was grateful for the opportunity to learn. He did not miss an object as he moved along the shelf, his fingertips resting gently on each one. I tried to concentrate on his explanations, but I was envious of these objects, jealous they received his touch. When he’d finished my brief education, he paused, his head down, waiting.
I did not like the silence; it was the most I’d ever heard him speak. ‘So how was your work today?’ I said in desperation, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.
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