_______________
I was aimlessly walking along one of the long corridors of the RSHA building. Deep in my thoughts, I barely noticed myself saluting to any passing agents, barely raising my hand. Ernst was having lunch with Reichsführer Himmler, and I couldn’t take sitting behind my table anymore. For a month already I was carrying on my affair with him, the whole month behind the closed doors of his office with hot wet kisses, with top secret papers scattered on the floor thrown off the table in haste, Georg rolling his eyes at yet another cancelled meeting and the order not to disturb the Chief of the RSHA, winks and hidden smiles through the half opened door, and the two of us smelling of each other’s perfume. And with every day I was sinking deeper and deeper in that swamp, and didn’t even try to grab the ground that was right next to me. I was disgusted with myself like an alcoholic who wakes up in a pile of dirt, but crawls right back to the pub to fill himself again with the poisonous liquor slowly killing him with every new sip.
I swore to myself that I’d stop so many times, but never thought that I could possibly get so addicted. I was very discreet of course, Heinrich never found out what happened between me and Ernst that Christmas Eve – I lied to him that we were talking about the counterfeit money and my next trip to Zurich. He believed me; he always did, and it was even worse. His blind faith in me was making me suffocate with guilt every night when he would kiss me not even suspecting that the other man was kissing me just several hours ago. He was the only man who I never lied to in my life, the only one who I could trust with any secret, who I could come to for help… and now even this was gone.
I couldn’t talk to anybody about my feelings: not to Heinrich for obvious reasons, not to Ursula because she’d never understand, not to my mother because she considered the whole RSHA the living hell on earth and its Chief the devil himself. I was betraying my country by working for the counterintelligence, and hurting the counterintelligence by working for the RSHA. I was betraying my husband with my lover, and betraying my lover by working for the counterintelligence. I felt like my head was going to explode soon.
I don’t know how and why, but I found myself at the doors of my former boss, the Chief of SD-Ausland Walther Schellenberg, and asked his adjutant if Herr Oberführer (he got promoted recently) was busy.
“What a nice surprise!” The Chief of the intelligence greeted me with a handshake and a warm smile. “I can’t believe that the ban on our relationship has been finally lifted and you’re allowed to see me again!”
“I’m not.” I smiled at the joke and sat across the table from Herr Schellenberg. “Dr. Kaltenbrunner is having lunch with Reichsführer, and I snuck out for a minute.”
“Dangerous move. He’ll get mad at you.”
I grinned at him; I missed working with him and certainly missed his sense of humor.
“Do you have a minute, Herr Oberführer?”
“For you – always. It’s not a working matter as I understand?”
I almost forgot how insightful Walther Schellenberg was. A typical spy.
“No, it’s not.” I didn’t know why I was there and how to even start. “Herr Oberführer, with all the top secrets and intelligence that you have to deal with all the time, do you feel sometimes the need to talk to somebody?”
“Oh no. He converted you and sent you here to get something out of me.”
I laughed at the serious expression on his face.
“No, no, it’s not that, it’s me.” I paused and added, seriously this time, “I need to talk to somebody, but… I can’t.”
“I see,” Herr Schellenberg answered simply and leaned back in his chair. “You’re seeing and hearing a lot of things that you can’t discuss with anybody?”
That interpretation would do.
“Basically, yes. But it’s not just that. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, because I can’t tell you what’s bothering me. You probably think that I’ve gone mad, right?”
“No, not at all, on the contrary I understand you quite well. I won’t be asking you what is it that you can’t discuss, but if it’ll make you feel better, I often had the same feelings when I just started my career. Keeping your mouth shut at all times can be very… exhausting. You know what I do to make it better? I’m writing a book. Memoirs. In my head of course.” He laughed. “One day, when it’s all over, I’ll sit down and write an actual, physical book, but now it helps me organize my thoughts, you know?”
I nodded.
“I’ll start writing a diary then. In my mind also.” I smiled and paused for a moment. “Herr Oberführer, do you tell your wife everything?”
“I prefer her not to know too much about my job. But you’re in a slightly better situation than mine, you and your husband work in the same office. You can always talk to him.”
I sighed and looked away.
“I wouldn’t be here if I could.”
Walther Schellenberg looked at me.
“Is it your boss?”
How does he always know everything? But I still met his eyes and answered firmly, “No.”
He smirked.
“You’ve become a very good liar, Annalise. But I’ll still always know when you lie. Go before he comes back and finds that you’re gone. And don’t worry, you were never here. Also feel free to come back whenever something troubles you.”
“Thank you, Herr Oberführer.”
I smiled, got up from my chair, shook his hand and started walking away, when the Chief of SD-Ausland called out my name once again.
“Annalise! Wait. Müller is investigating you. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but… just be careful. Go now. I never said anything to you.”
I realized that I forgot how to breathe for a moment. But somehow I managed to nod in gratitude for the tip, opened the door and went back to my office where I sat without motion long enough for Georg to notice.
“Are you alright?”
I faked a smile in answer to his concerned look.
“Yes. Absolutely.”
In fact I was everything but.
_______________
It was supposed to be a joyful friendly dinner with Max and Ursula, but the mood was far from cheerful. Only their little daughter Greta didn’t seem to notice the suspicious silence at the table and kept playing with Sugar, because our German shepherd Rolf was still bigger than her.
“So the Leningrad siege is over with, huh?” Max nodded gratefully at Magda who had just refilled his glass, and took another sip. “Another city they took back.”
“Max, honey, let’s not… you promised, no war talk tonight.” Ursula slightly petted her husband’s hand. “That’s all everyone’s talking about everywhere now. Even in the hair salon!”
“Thanks to the British Air force there might not be any hair salons left for you, sweetheart.”
Max took out his cigarette case and lit one. Magda quickly put an ashtray next to him. Greta was trying to wrap Sugar in napkin, but Max didn’t seem to notice it.
“Greta, what are you doing to the poor doggie?” Ursula turned to the girl.
“I want to make her a dress, just like my dolly has.”
“Doggies don’t wear dresses, honey. Leave her alone!”
“With the way everything’s going we’ll lose the war altogether.”
“Max! You can’t say something like that!”
“What? Am I the only one who thinks so? Heinrich, don’t you think that the whole campaign is going not as well as originally planned? Weren’t we supposed to end the Soviet blitzkrieg by the winter of forty first? How come it’s forty forth, and we’re still in this up to here?” Max put two fingers on top of his throat.
“Mommy, look!”
“Not now, honey.”
“What if the Führer is wrong?”
“Max!!!”
“Mommy!”
“Heinrich?”
Greta was pulling on her father’s sleeve, but he was looking at his best friend, still waiting for his answer. And w
hat could Heinrich, who knew that the war was already lost for Germany, tell him?
“Maybe everything is not so bad,” my husband said softly. “Maybe it’s just a minor setback. We’ll regroup our armies, refill our ammunition and counterattack.”
“We don’t have as much ammunition as they do,” Max almost whispered, biting on his nail. “We both work for the external intelligence, we both know the numbers. They exceed us both in people and ammunition. And it’s only the Russians. And now count the Allies, and their air force, and ammunition, and machinery… What if they open the second front? We physically won’t be able to compare to them in numbers. Somebody has to let the Führer know before… before it’s too late. While something still can be done.”
“He doesn’t want to hear the numbers, Max. Neither does he want to listen to his generals who inform him of the situation on the Eastern front. All the talks about the only possibility of surrendering he considers a defeatism and ordered to execute anyone who only speaks of it.”
“But Heinrich… It’s not right. He’ll make us lose our country… He’ll get us all killed!”
“Max!”
“What, Ursula? I’m only pointing out the truth. And many of the commanding staff is of the same opinion!”
“Max, I’m begging you, stop saying such things!”
“Somebody has to say it, honey!”
“Papa, look!”
“Field commanders are talking about it too. I went to the meeting with a couple of people, and they were saying that if the leader is not thinking clearly blinded by his own superiority, that leader is not a credible leader anymore.”
“Max!!!”
“We can’t win the war just because our Führer thinks that we are a superior nation. Wars are won by guns and bullets, not by someone’s birth certificate. Heinrich, come with me and listen to what they say, we need to do something to help our country while we still can.”
“Like what? Kill Hitler?” Heinrich asked straight out.
“Are you seriously talking about it?” Ursula turned from the two men to me. “Are they seriously talking about it?”
“If it’s the only possible solution, then yes.”
“Max, you’re going to get us all killed with your talking.” Ursula covered her face with her hands.
“He’s going to get us all killed! Heinrich, come with me, listen to these people, they have a plan…”
“Max. Listen to me carefully. You’re not going to change anything. Please, don’t get involved with this. You have a family to take care of.”
“Max, listen to Heinrich, I’m begging you!”
“Heinrich, we still can do something…”
“No, we can’t, Max. Trust me, we can’t.”
Chapter 18
“The working day is almost over.”
“Mmmm, no… I don’t want to go home.”
“How about we go home together?”
I giggled and shook my head. I had spent the last ten minutes on my boss’s lap, who was kissing me in the most provocative manner, with one hand inside my bra and another one under my skirt.
“Whose home, Herr Obergruppenführer?”
“Mine. Your damn husband is finally away, and we can spend the whole night together.” He slightly bit my lip.
“I can’t. What if Heinrich calls, and I’m not home?”
“Let’s go by your house then.”
“No, the neighbors will see your car… And besides my housekeeper’s there.”
“We’ll take your car then.” He moved the phone to me. “Here, call your housekeeper and let her go. We’ll have a nice romantic dinner in a restaurant and then I’ll take you right to your bedroom.”
I smiled and buried my face on his neck.
“How come I can never say no to you?”
It was only the second time we ever had dinner together in a public place. The first time was almost five years ago, in Poland, when I almost got caught by the Gestapo with the radio in my hands. Tonight we decided not to talk about war, politics or anything concerning the RSHA, and just be a regular couple, no matter that both of us were still lawfully wedded to other people.
We were holding hands even while eating. I think we finished the whole bottle of champagne already, and then we danced; I was so shamelessly happy just to press my head against his shoulder while he was holding me too close to consider it decent, and we both kept smirking at other patrons’ looks they were shooting at us. Ernst would make it worse of course and kiss me right on the lips – who’s going to say something to Obergruppenführer?
We went back to the table where our dessert was served for us; all the staff were trying their best to immediately follow every request of their high rank guest and his… well, they were very polite and were addressing me as ‘Frau.’ Ernst liked that, he liked people to think that I was his wife. And now he moved his chair even closer to mine and was whispering the most indecent things in my ear, kissing my wrist and holding my knee with another hand. Time to go, I thought to myself still giggling, five more minutes and he’ll start undressing me right here. And then the loud scream of sirens, even louder than music playing inside, broke down.
Ernst and I exchanged concerned looks after observing the crowd suddenly hurrying to pay their tabs and leave for the nearest bomb shelter.
He sighed. “What do you feel like doing, run with everybody else or stay here and finish their wine cellar? Or try to make it home?”
I tugged on his sleeve.
“With all respect to your bravery, Herr Obergruppenführer, I’m too young to die! Let’s go!”
“You realize that we’ll spend the night in the company of about a hundred people, right?” Ernst threw the money on the table, but still followed me to the exit.
“We don’t have a choice!”
“Thank you, fuckin Brits, for ruining my night!” the Chief of the RSHA yelled at the night sky outside, making me burst into laughter and some people turn their heads to our direction.
“Ernst!” I tried to shush him, desperately trying to contain the laughing fit.
“What? Screw them, the fuckin Brits!”
He kept cursing out all the Allies and the British Air force in particular for the rest of the way, until we finally followed the crowd inside the closest bomb shelter. The soldiers and police officers directing the people immediately froze at attention seeing Ernst’s Obergruppenführer’s markings. They wanted to free a separate bench just for the two of us, but Ernst shook his head at them.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about us, we’ll sit with everybody else.”
It was very cold inside, and Ernst wrapped me up in his coat and made me sit on his lap, keeping me warm with his body. People around us were barely talking to each other, listening to the muffed explosions outside and silently hoping that their houses won’t be destroyed by the bombs.
“My dogs are inside…” I whispered.
“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Ernst pressed me harder to his chest. “Try to sleep.”
“I can’t.”
“I’m sorry I’m not as comfortable as your bed.” I felt warm when he quietly laughed somewhere into my hair.
“I wouldn’t want to be in my bed now.”
“Where would you want to be then?”
“Right here, with you,” I answered simply and looked into his golden brown eyes, which all of a sudden became serious. “There’s no other place I’d want to be.”
“Me too.” Ernst smiled, and kissed me again. I hated myself for feeling so happy with him. If the whole world would’ve exploded outside, I couldn’t care less. I was with him, and that’s the only thing that mattered.
_______________
I walked inside the anteroom and stopped halfway. Ulrich Reinhard was standing over my table and looking through the papers I left there before leaving for lunch. God knows where Georg was.
“What are you doing here and who allowed you to go through my documents?” I asked sternly, noticing
that my hands were suddenly cold and sweaty. Why Reinhard always had that effect on me, I had no idea; I hated to admit it, but he scared me, physically.
“Hello, Annalise.” He gave me the most vicious smile. “My beautiful Annalise. My brave little spy.”
“What are you talking about this time?” I tried to sound as calm as I could when everything inside was slowly turning into a tight knot. Müller is investigating you… be careful. Reinhard works for the Gestapo. Not good.
“You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. You’ve done pretty damn well for the past several years, I have to give you that, normally people get caught after several months only. But you… I don’t know how you were able to slip right through our fingers, every single time. But this time I made sure that I came prepared.”
“And what am I being accused of this time?” Trying to look as bored as I could, I crossed my arms over my chest so he wouldn’t see that my fingers had started to slightly shake.
“Same old, same old. Espionage.” Reinhard mirrored my pose, but unlike me he was smiling wide. “You see, when the whole story with the radio and that friend of yours, the Jew, occurred, I didn’t have the slightest doubt that it was you who was working with him.”
“I was acquitted of those charges.”
“Yes, you were. Probably because your boss can’t keep it in his pants, but it doesn’t matter now.” If he talks loud like that, Ernst is not in his office. “But I have a sixth sense when it comes to cases like yours, and I personally asked Gruppenführer Müller to allow me investigate it. For a long time I’ve been working on it, trying to connect the dots, and something was always missing. And then guess what happened?”
I didn’t ask him anything, even though he wanted me to. Reinhard smirked.
“That girl started shooting right in front of the building. Remember her?”
“Quite well, she was shooting at my boss.”
“No.” Reinhard shook his head and laughed. “No, and that’s where the most interesting part begins. She was shooting at you.”
The Girl from Berlin: Gruppenführer's Mistress Page 27