by Marr, Maggie
“Mommy push me!” Teddy yells.
“You got it buddy,” Sarah steps behind Teddy and pushes him. She turns her head back toward me and raises her eyebrows, which is a command for me to tell her why I’m not jumping up and down super-excited for the Bliss Boards scholarship. I slide my hands into my back pockets.
“I never mentioned who Ashley is,” I say.
“Wait what’d ya mean?” Sarah shakes her head, pushes Teddy again, and then glances over her shoulder at me. “She’s your girlfriend right? Or at the very least your booty-call-reg.”
“Look at you trying to use lingo,” I say, “you’re so cute.” I’m trying to lighten the mood. Sarah’s not buying it. There isn’t even a hint of a smile on her face to replace the concern in her tired eyes. God, am I going to add another layer of disappointment to my sister’s life? Maybe, but I don’t see another way. Not and be able to get what I want.
“She’s definitely now a booty-call,” I say. “She’s my girlfriend.”
“Okay so that’s who she is.”
“Right, but she’s also my boss.”
Sarah whips her head toward me and her eyebrows jump up. Her mouth forms this o shape and I see her trying to work out what I’ve just said. “Wait what?” Her eyebrows crease. “I mean I know she works with you and that was a weird coincidence but I thought you were training her?”
“Not the whole story,” I say. “She started in retail on the main floor but she was hired to run the place. You know once she’s trained.”
“Ohhhh,” Big sis says and scrunches her eyebrows together. “So you’re gonna’ have to quit? Right? Well good thing you have the scholarship, because you can find another job, maybe one on campus at the bookstore or something like that.”
“Mmmmh, not that easy,” I say.
“There’s more?”
I nod. “There’s more.”
Big sis suddenly looks very serious, like she needs to sit down serious.
“Ashley isn’t just going to be my boss. She’s also the owner’s niece.”
“Oh shit,” Sarah whispers. She glances at Teddy but he’s at the top of his swinging arc and can’t hear us. “Is Jack pissed?”
I shake my head. “Not exactly. I mean, we talked and he seemed okay with it buuut…”
“But what?”
“Well…If I want the scholarship, I have to stop seeing Ashley,” I say. “To keep the scholarship I have to be a part-time Bliss Board employee and the only way I can continue to work at Bliss Boards is if Ashley and I break up.”
“What? Why?”
“Jack is worried about nepotism. He’s already hired Ashley, he’s worried that if she and I are working together that the other employees will think that I get preferential treatment and—”
“So have her leave,” Sarah says. Her voice is sharp. A tiny muscle in her jaw flinches and I love my big sister even more (if that’s possible) for being protective of me and what I want for my future.
“I’m not doing that,” I say.
Her jaw drops open like she can’t believe what I’ve just told her. “Matt, if you give up this scholarship then…I mean…how’re you going to pay for school?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “Guess, I’ll sit out another semester and make some money. Try to figure out a way. I kind of have an idea—”
“No,” Sarah shakes her head. “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe this. How’s this fair?”
“It’s not,” I say. “It’s absolutely not fair for anyone. Not me, not Ashley, not anyone.”
“Ashley? Oh my god, you’re worried about this girl that you just met? The one with the wealthy uncle that gave her a cush job? Ashley who already has her undergraduate degree?”
Sarah plants her hands on her hips. “You’re the one getting totally screwed and you’re worried about Ashley.” She shakes her head, “Well that’s about typical for this family,” she mumbles under her breath.
I know when she says that, she’s comparing what I’m doing to what she did for Keith, her ex and Teddy’s dad. She gently stops Teddy’s swing and lifts him from the swing and plants him on her hip.
“I love her.”
Sarah tilts her head to the side and gives me the older-sister look. The one that tells me I’ve just said something that’s too ridiculous for words.
“Are you kidding me? You’ve known her for about a minute. You don’t love her. Okay. You may be in big-time like. You may lust after her. You may even be in the beginning stages of love, but there is no way that you love this girl. Too soon.”
Heat builds in my chest. I totally respect my sister, but day-um does she always think she’s right because she’s the oldest. I glance at Teddy who has wiggled off Sarah’s hip and dashes across the sand toward the slide.
“How long did you date Keith?” I ask.
“Keith?” Sarah whips around and eyes me. “What’s Keith got to do with anything?”
I don’t usually bring up Sarah’s ex. I know it’s this sore-spot that hasn’t healed for her. He totally used Sarah and her love for him and then he took off when things were about to get good for them as a family.
“How long?”
“You know the answer to this. We dated for five years, then we got married, and he left after three.”
“Right. Once he finished his degree.”
“Your point?”
“Just that you waited and dated and spent time together and it didn’t work out. I mean who’s to say that the way I feel about Ashley is any less than what anyone feels for the person that they love? I’m telling you that I love her. She makes me feel”—I shake my head and look at the sky—“like anything is possible. Like we can do whatever we set our minds to. Like, I don’t even have an option to not choose her, because to not choose her would be like stopping breathing and I can’t do that and live.”
Sarah’s eyes soften but there is still a fierce protectiveness coming off of her. I know that this comes from a good place, that she loves me and she wants me to make the decisions that’re best for me.
“I don’t like it.” Her gaze rolls to the sky. She’s turning everything I’ve said over her in her mind. She’s trying to be parental and supportive and protective and do all the right things without being completely in my face and over-bearing. Plus she’s doing all that as a single-mom running on basically no sleep.
“Okay,” she finally says. “Okay,” she holds up her hands and then slips them into her back pockets. “You’re a grown man. You’re the second most responsible person I know and if you say that you love this girl and she’s worth giving up this scholarship, then you know that I’ll support your decision. But here’s the thing”—she looks at me and her gaze is serious and filled with feeling like a deep angst mixed with fear and she drills me with that intense gaze; pins me down as only my big sister can—“think about this decision. Okay? I gave up my dream so that Keith could pursue his and while I wouldn’t trade Teddy for anything, I wish I would’ve gone straight through school. I made a choice. Right now, you’re being given an opportunity and a choice. Today that may not seem like such a big deal, but this choice could change the entire direction of your life. You’re giving up money that will pay for college.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I know.”
“Mommy! Matty! Watch me slide!”
We both turn to Teddy. I press a smile onto my face that I don’t feel. Whatever choice I make right now, is going to change my life. One lets me keep Ashley and the other lets me go back to school. One is going to cause me to postpone school and possibly leave my entire family, at least for a while, the other lets me stay here and get through school but means I have to give up the woman I love. How can I give up the woman I love?
I can’t.
My decision may seem foolish to everyone around me, but I know what I have to do, because really, deep down inside, this isn’t a choice at all.
Chapter 19
Ashley
“Hows the place?” Jul
ia asks.
Our new apartment is pretty empty. I haven’t purchased furniture or a TV. I’m using paper plates and two coffee cups. I had more stuff in my last apartment in Ohio while I was finishing college than I do here.
“Sparse,” I say. I spin my phone camera around and show her just how little I’ve done to fill up our space. I don’t want to go shop for the apartment without Julia. She has such a good eye for decorating and always seems to know just what to buy. I’m not good at that stuff. If it was just me living here, it might remain empty like this for the entire first year. I open a cabinet in the kitchen and stare pitifully at the empty space. “Do you still get back next week?”
“That’s the plan,” Julia says. “Unless we get another script change. I can’t wait to get back so we can paint, buy furniture, and decorate. Make this place our own.”
I nod. I spin the camera back around. “I’m not good at that stuff. You’re so much better.” I slide down the wall and sit on the floor. Sure I have a folding chair, but somehow my ass on the floor and my back against the wall is more comfortable. The place came with shades but they’re those craptastic plastic verticals that look really sad.
“How’s Matt?” She asks. Her voice is soft and I can tell she’s cautious about asking me. I’ve filled her in on what is going on with Jack and Emma and Matt and the Bliss Board Scholarship.
“He wants to quit the board shop,” I say and sigh.
“Doesn’t he have to work at the board shop to get the scholarship?”
I press my head back against the wall and look at my phone. Julia’s hair is in braids, for her role in the film.
“That’s the problem. He’s going to quit, give up the scholarship and find another job to pay for school.”
Julia’s brows pull together. “How is that going to work? Seriously? He’s giving up a scholarship to be with you? That seems a little…”
“Too much? I know.” I sigh. My heart hurts. There’s no good choice here. “He says that Jack’s been grooming me to take over ever since I started undergrad and started paying my tuition.”
“Well he has,” Julia says.
“You think so too?
She shoots me a look like I’m an idiot for thinking otherwise. “Are you really the only person who didn’t see that?”
“I mean he never pressured me or told me I had to take a job at Bliss Boards when I was done with school.”
“And that’s what makes Jack so damn amazing,” Julia says. “He didn’t want you to feel obligated to take this job, but he definitely always wanted you to want to take this job. Why do you think he always offered to bring you out here on every break?”
I close my eyes. “Because he’s my Uncle and he loves me.” I’d taken him up on all those free trips to LA too, until last year when I spent my first semester in Spain and my second semester buckled down in the library to be certain I graduated on time.
“If Jack is being a hard-ass about this it’s only because he wants to protect you,” Julia says.
I stare at the image of my best friend on my phone, if she was anyone other than my bff, I might unload on that opinion she just handed me, but Julia knows me and she knows my Uncle.
“You think so?”
“Have you ever seen Jack get this serious about anything before?”
I shake my head. “No,” I say. “Matt told me I shouldn’t quit, because he doesn’t want to come between me and my family and that Jack would never forgive him.”
“Matt’s a smart guy,” Julia says. “Even if he does have a really shitty car,” she smiles. I know that Julia really doesn’t care about Matt’s car but she’s making fun of herself and her reaction that night to try and lighten the mood and make me feel better. Which right now seems virtually impossible.
“I…I have to make this decision for myself. I…I want Matt to be my family and if I want him to be my family then don’t I have to treat him like he is? If I choose this job over him then what am I saying?”
“You’re keeping a job that could be your career, you’re helping the Uncle that helped you through school. So quick question, if Matt means this much to you and you two are this serious, couldn’t you, you know…help him pay his tuition?”
My jaw drops open. “Oh my god, that’s brilliant,” I say. “Do you think he’d let me? I mean…I don’t even know if I can afford to…but I could try, we could try. Do you think he’ll let me…help him?”
“I mean, if you’re going to let him quit and give up his scholarship, then why wouldn’t he let you pay for part of his school?”
I can think of a million reasons why Matt would say no to me helping him with his tuition all of them stemming from pride, but Julia’s right, if we’re serious and Matt expects me to stay—why couldn’t I help him with his tuition? I’m about to get a big raise as I step into the ‘boss’ role at Bliss Boards. If I save my money I could use that extra money to help out Matt.
Matt is my future. He’s the man I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life, so he should let me help to build the rest of our life together.
“I mean he’s helping me keep my job by quitting,” I say, “so he should let me help him by paying for some of his tuition, right?” I ask Julia.
“Right,” Julia says.
Now I just have to find out if Matt feels the same way.
Chapter 20
Matt
The Local Brew is dark and smells like booze and peanuts, but the beer is cold and cheap. It’s the place where the Bliss Boards crew goes sometimes to grab a quick beer after work. I haven’t been in a while because most days after work I go with Ashley or she goes with me and we head to her place or my place and fix dinner and hang out. Tonight I need info from Alex, one of the guys I work with. I have a decision to make and I need a plan to get where I want to go.
“Dude, no way! You do not want to go to Alaska and work on a stinky-ass fishing boat,” Jorge upends his beer. He doesn’t have a care in the world—or at least a bill. He’s got his parents money, paid for tuition, and a Porsche to tool around Bel Air. All he needs to do is show up for work at Surf Camp all summer and his life is set.
“That’s easy for you to say,” Alex shakes his head. “Have you ever even seen your tuition bill?”
And there it is. Said out-loud. No one wants to work on a fishing boat in Alaska, but some of us have to. Alex leans his elbows on the high-top table and looks at Jorge, “Bruh, this was a means-to-an-end a path. I needed to work on that fishing-boat to set up my life. Looks like our friend here may have to take the same journey.”
“Fair enough,” Jorge says, “but maybe there’s another way? I mean come on, what about a student loan?”
“If I can go and work for six months and save enough for tuition for a year and then also have a job, maybe I don’t come out of school with student loans,” I say. “It’s not perfect, but it may be what works.” I look at Alex. “Was it horrible?”
“It’s pretty fucking rough, man,” Alex says. “Not gonna’ lie. But the money is good and if you don’t spend and you don’t come back here to visit, you can totally make enough for in-state tuition for a year.”
“The work and the no-spending isn’t a problem, but the not coming back here will suck.”
The thought of not seeing Ash and Sarah and Teddy for six to nine months blows. I love all three of them and Teddy just keeps growing and changing. Sarah wants me to do whatever I need to do to get through school, but I know this change will be tough on her and on Teddy too.
And what about Ash? I know that she’s meant to be mine but our relationship is new—she isn’t going to like this idea. She doesn’t even like the idea of me quitting Bliss Boards and giving up the scholarship so that she can keep her job. How is she going to react when I tell her I’m going to Alaska for nine months to work on a fishing boat?
“Let me know if you want to do it. I’ll give you my contact’s name. They fill up fast so you’ll want to make a decision.”
“Give me the info,” I say. “I’m nearly one hundred percent on this.”
Alex shoots me the contact info from his phone to mine. I have to do this to get what I want for my future and for my family’s future and for the future of the family that I want to create with Ashley.
“Thanks man,” I say.
“You two are whack,” Jorge says and lifts his backpack from the bar floor.
He’s headed home to a ten bedroom pad in Bel Air that includes a pool house, sauna, and complete work-out room that looks like LA Fitness. He can’t possibly understand what or why Alex and I need to do this, but it’s annoying that he doesn’t understand how incredibly privileged his life is because of his dad’s giant practice.
“No man,” Alex says. “We just gotta’ get through school and don’t have anyone who can help pay for it. You’d do the same.”
Jorge pauses, like it’s slowly dawning on him that this is our only option. No one is going to come in and pay for Alex or my tuition, not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. The money simply isn’t there and unless I want to wrack up giant student loans, this is the way I’m going to finish school. Jorge lifts an eyebrow and slowly nods, “Yeah, man, I guess I never realized how lucky I am with my dad able to pay for my school.”
“Tell him thank you,” Alex says. “My old man would love to pay for mine, but when he got sick, just couldn’t happen.”
Jorge looks at me. His eyes don’t hold pity, but they do hold the realization of how our lives are really different.
“You know my story,” I say. I take a sip of my beer.
Jorge nods a guilty look comes onto his face. “Think I’ll head out guys. Gonna’ go see if I can catch my dad and maybe the two of us have dinner.”
I nod. “Do it, man. You don’t know how long you get. Do it.”
“And don’t forget to tell him thank you,” Alex calls.
Jorge holds up his hand and waves, maybe realizing for the first time what a lucky guy he is. I turn to Alex. He looks at me and raises an eyebrow.