by Karen Booth
“I’m going to check on the kids,” I said. I needed an excuse to be alone, to calm the palpitations.
I walked away, forcing my legs to carry me. Spencer remained with Kirby. I could tell that as two recovering addicts, they really understood each other.
Did I understand Spencer? Would I make him a good wife? I shook my head, realizing how foolish my inner dialogue was. Spencer and I weren’t headed down the aisle.
But if we did get married, in my fantasies, anyway, I might consider getting closer to Kirby. Not for myself, but for Spencer. I couldn’t go around hating his mentor.
I plunked down on the grass, released the air in my lungs and observed the kids. In addition to the swings, their playground consisted of a bouncy castle, a slide and a roundabout. I used to love those when I was little. I would hold the handles and run as fast as I could, then jump back on and spin. I didn’t need to do that now. I was already dizzy from my thoughts.
I stayed by myself for a while, immersed in the activity around me. By now, parents were calling their children, gathering them for lunch.
Spencer came over to me, and I gazed up at him, my breath catching at the familiar sight of him. If only I could tell him that I loved him.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine.” I shined the spotlight on him. “How about you? Are you having a good time? Are you connecting with Kirby’s sons?”
He nodded and crouched beside me. “I really like Matt. He’s so down to earth, so real. I like Brandon and Tommy, too. I’m glad I’m getting to know everyone.”
“I think you fit right in.” He already seemed as if he was part of this group. “I’m glad we came.”
“You are? For sure?”
“Yes. I might even try to say a few words to Kirby.” Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to make a teeny bit of effort, just in case Spencer and I actually became a bona fide couple someday.
“Oh, Alice, that would be great. He was hoping that we would sit at his table.” He motioned to the buffet. “Should we get our food?”
I agreed, and we filled our plates with picnic-style entrees and colorful side dishes. I loaded up on fried chicken and potato salad. Spencer took extra helpings of the barbecued ribs, messy as they were.
Kirby’s girlfriend, Debra, arrived, running late from work. Tall and trim with graying blond hair and a professional sense of style, she certainly seemed nice enough. But Kirby always surrounded himself with goodhearted women.
I chatted with her about inconsequential things. I made small talk with Kirby, too, even if it pained me to do so. Whenever he looked at me, I thought about the anguish he’d caused my mother: the nightly tears, the daily despair.
My teeny bit of effort wasn’t the least bit effective. I was angry at him all over again.
After we ate, I asked Spencer to sit on the lawn with me. I needed to get away from Kirby and try to relax.
Hailey and Hudson wandered over to us, and I smiled, eager for Spencer to engage with them. Except that the kids were quiet for now. Hudson was being his usual reserved self, and Hailey kept glancing over her shoulder, probably waiting for her cousin Zoe to join us. The last I saw, Zoe had spilled a cherry-filled, chocolate-covered dessert on her blouse and was getting cleaned up.
Matt’s boys had gone back to the barn. Hudson could’ve hung out with them, but he stayed with his sister instead. He’d always been fiercely loyal to her, even before they could walk or talk. I assumed it was a twin thing and the time they’d spent together in the womb, just the two of them, preparing to enter this big, bad, crazy world.
Zoe came running up with a damp spot on her top, and soon she and Hailey were holding hands and swinging their arms back and forth. Rather than be left out, Hudson crawled onto my lap. I nuzzled the top of his silky head. The girls, however, stared blatantly at Spencer.
“Hey, ladies,” he said, and made them giggle.
Zoe sized him up, her long, brown ponytail swishing as she bobbed her head. Then she looked at me and asked, “Is he your boyfriend?”
Her question made my heart jump. I sucked in my breath and debated how I should respond. I glanced at Spencer, but he didn’t give me any indication of what to say.
“Yes, he is,” I finally replied. Maybe it was the dreamer in me, but calling him that made me feel deliriously good.
Zoe shifted her attention back to Spencer. “Are you her boyfriend because you kiss her?” She nudged Hailey, and my mischievous niece puckered her lips and made smooching sounds.
I struggled not to laugh. I envisioned the two of them creating all sorts of chaos when they got older. They’d certainly poked some childish fun at me and my “boyfriend.”
He furrowed his brow. “I don’t think we should be talking about this.”
“Why not?” Zoe was an outspoken first-grader, determined to get a straight answer out of him. And on top of that, Hailey was still making kissy noises.
“Because we just shouldn’t.” When both girls frowned at him, he seemed to be searching for something to say that would distract them. He settled on, “Did you know that I have lots of dogs?”
“How many?” Zoe asked, taking the bait.
He told the kids about his rescue, and Hudson chimed in and babbled about Cline, the husky his dad had named after country crooner Patsy Cline. Only Hudson referred to her as “Patty.” Spencer grinned, amused by the boy’s mistake.
The boyfriend topic was forgotten. But not by me. It gave me hope, feeding my dream of having a future with the man I loved.
* * *
The party ended, and Spencer and I returned to my house. But when he entered my condo, he fell silent.
I removed my shoes and sat on the sofa, looking up at him. “Is something wrong?” He was acting strange.
“I don’t know. There’s just a lot…” He hesitated. “I just…”
“You just what?” My heart sank. Was he concerned about me calling him my boyfriend? Was it bothering him now? Was he getting ready to break things off? Would this be our last night together? I waited for him to say what was on his mind.
He finally responded, “I have feelings for you that confuse me. You and I weren’t supposed to be getting this close.” He remained standing, watching me through troubled eyes. “I’m not the guy you’re meant to be with, but I…”
I released the breath I’d been holding, hope spiraling inside me. “Do you want to be with me?”
“Sort of. I think so. I don’t know.” He sat beside me, with the late-day sun streaming through the blinds and creating a sudden glare. I squinted, and he shifted his body to shield me from the light. After a moment of us just staring at each other, he said, “I don’t want to mess up your plans. Or disappoint you.”
“You could never disappoint me. Not unless you stopped seeing me. Not unless you went away.” I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I was afraid to say it this quickly.
He reached for my hand. “Does that mean you want us to try to make a go of this?”
“Yes.” I wanted everything with him.
“Are you sure? Because we both know that I’m still coming to grips with who I am. I don’t ever want to drink again, but what if I screw up? Resisting the temptation isn’t as easy as I keep saying it was.”
“I already knew you were exaggerating that. Or I assumed you were. I didn’t think it could be that easy.”
“Sometimes it keeps me up at night. I have hideous nightmares about it.”
I squeezed his hand. “I read a study about dreams once, and it said that nightmares were a normal reaction to stress and can even help people work through their fears.”
“Yeah, but what if I can’t handle the pressure?”
“Of your nightmares?”
“Of me and you.”
I tried not to panic. “Of being my boyfriend?”
“Of loving you, Alice.” His voice turned shaky. “I think I might be falling in love with you.”
To be sure I’d heard him correctly, I repeated it. “You think you might love me?” It wasn’t exactly a vow of forever, but, by heavens, it was a start. “That’s what you said, right?”
“Yes, but what do I know? I’ve never been in love before.”
Nether had I, not until I’d fallen for him. “I don’t blame you for being scared. It’s all so new and different.” I’d already struggled with it myself.
“I’m not freaking you out?”
“No.” Hearing him say that he “might” love me gave me comfort. I looked into his eyes. “I tried to fight it. But I love you, Spencer. I absolutely do.”
He blinked at me. “You trust that I’m the guy you want?”
I nodded. I had no reason to distrust my feelings. “I know how important your recovery is, and how hard you work at it. I think that you’ll stay sober.” I needed to believe in him, to support him, to help him overcome his fears. “But if you ever slip up, you’ll have me to catch you when you fall.”
“That’s a huge commitment.”
“It’s what people in love do.”
He frowned. “I hope you don’t change your mind later.”
I stuck to my guns, clinging to my belief in him, the way a caring partner was supposed to do. “I won’t.”
“You could.” He spoke gently. “I want to protect you. I want to keep you safe.”
“I already feel safe with you.” I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. Alice in Spencerland. I smiled at the thought. It was a place I never wanted to leave.
“I wasn’t prepared to be having this conversation with you, to be talking about love. Not with everything else that’s going on.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t get into the details right now. I wish I could, but I can’t.”
Was he keeping a secret about himself? Was there more to his past than I knew about? I tried not to worry. “Is it something bad?”
“It might seem that way at first, but it doesn’t have to be. It can actually be something good, if you let it.” He trailed a finger across my cheek. “I just want you to be happy and accept whatever is meant to be.”
I leaned into his touch. Now he was being mysterious. But if he thought his news bordered on good, then I would wait to hear what it was. I didn’t want to destroy the moment. I needed this closeness with him.
He kissed me, lightly on the lips. Then he said, “I swear, I’m only trying to do what’s right. But I hope you understand that I need to talk to Kirby about it first.”
I fought the urge to flinch. I hadn’t expected Kirby to be part of Spencer’s secret. Or whatever this was. But given how tight they were, I shouldn’t have been surprised that he’d involved his mentor. “If that’s what you need to do, I’m not going to stand in your way.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”
I refused to let Kirby spoil my belief in Spencer. “I’m supposed to trust you, especially now that you’re my boyfriend.”
He laughed a little nervously. “The kids sure teased us on that one. But I think I can do this without being so afraid.”
“You’ll have to write a song about it, asking yourself ‘Do I love her? Am I in love?’”
“Is that how the answer will come?” He fixed his gaze on me. “Is that how I’ll know for sure?”
“Maybe,” I said, hoping he found a way to unscramble his feelings. In spite of him saying that he was less afraid, he still seemed scared.
* * *
On Monday afternoon, Spencer called and told me he wanted to disclose the secret he’d been keeping. I still couldn’t fathom what it could be, but I was glad he wasn’t dragging it out. Nonetheless, he’d warned me that Kirby was going to be there, too. I wasn’t happy about that, but it seemed important to Spencer to have his mentor in the mix.
Anxious, I got ready to go. I did my hair and makeup and slipped on a trendy jumpsuit, fitted with a high neck and long sleeves. The weather was on the cooler side.
I arrived at Spencer’s place and spotted Kirby’s luxury SUV in the driveway. I dreaded seeing Kirby, but at least I was supporting Spencer. My lover was waiting for me on the porch. He smiled and greeted me.
“You look nice,” he said, reaching for my hand.
“Thank you.” We went inside, and as we entered the living room, I glanced past him and spotted Kirby on the sofa. He jumped up as soon as he saw me.
Suddenly, I sensed that this wasn’t going to go in my favor. I was beginning to feel like an outsider, particularly with the looks the men were exchanging.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Kirby’s needs to talk to you,” Spencer replied.
I frowned. “About what?”
His breath hitched. “The secret I’ve been keeping for him.”
Spencer’s secret was Kirby’s secret? I didn’t like the sound of that.
“Maybe you should sit down,” Kirby replied. “Because we… I have a lot to tell you.”
“I’d prefer to stand.” They were both standing, too, with Spencer’s shiny red piano in the background.
He gently asked me, “Can I get you anything?”
“No.” I didn’t want a soft drink or whatever he was offering. I just wanted to hear what his mentor had to say. I clutched the chain strap on my purse, pulling it tighter against my shoulder.
“Try to keep an open mind,” Spencer said. “And please, give Kirby a chance.”
I zeroed in on the older man. He shifted his weight, moving from one foot to the other.
“A chance at what?” I asked him.
He replied, “To be your father. I think I might be your dad, honey.”
I stared at him, unblinking, unmoving. Was I going into shock? Nothing made any sense. “That’s impossible. I was eleven years old when you met my mom.”
“I knew her before then. I had an affair with her about nine months before you were born. But I never told anyone about that affair, and neither did she.” He reached into his pocket and removed a crumpled envelope. “I have a letter that your mom wrote to me during that time.”
My blood roiled in my body, in my heart. My breath stuck in my throat. I was too livid to look at Spencer. I kept my focus on Kirby, on the enemy. “Did she tell you that I might be yours? Is that what’s in the letter?”
“No. The only reason I wanted to show it to you is because of when it’s dated.”
“A date that proves you might be my dad?” That he’d slept with her nine months before I came along? I felt queasy now, dizzy and sick. I didn’t want Kirby to be my father. I wanted Joel to be my daddy. The man my mother was supposed to have loved.
“I suspected that you might be mine on the day I first met you. I took one look at you and felt an overwhelming connection. But I couldn’t be sure, so I kept my feelings to myself. Then, earlier this year, I came across the letter and all of the pieces seemed to fit.”
I locked my knees to keep them from buckling. “How long has Spencer known about this?” I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
“I told him right after you two started seeing each other again.”
“I’m sorry,” Spencer interjected. “But I couldn’t tell you about it, Alice, not without betraying Kirby’s confidence. It needed to come from him.”
I didn’t care what his excuse was. He’d known the whole time we were lovers, and that wasn’t fair. I’d never felt so betrayed. I ached so badly, I wanted to scream.
Kirby said, “I’m hoping that you’ll agree to take a paternity test. In my heart, I believe that you’re mine. But I want for both of us to know for sure.”
Was he kidding? There was no frigging way I was submitting my DNA for him. “You’re not my father.”
“I think I am,” he countered softly.
I shook my head. I couldn’t let him be my dad. I just couldn’t. “If you were, my mother would have told me.”
“Maybe she didn’t know for certain herself. Or maybe she knew and just couldn’t face it. With the way I seduced her, she hardly stood a chance. She was a sweet lady, and she deserved better.”
“You’re despicable.” I hated him more now than I ever did.
“I know, and I’m sorry for hurting your mama the way I did. But I’ve been trying to right my wrongs.” He clutched the letter that was still in his hand. “I really want us to be family.”
“Family?” I shot back. “Give me a break.” I hated him, but now I hated my mother, too, for her part in the lie. Was there anyone I could trust? Anyone who’d been truthful? I finally looked at Spencer, with his dark eyes and strong-boned features, with his tall, tanned body and white tattoo. “As for you, my boyfriend, my lover.” I mocked those words. “I never want to see you again.” Before I collapsed into tears, I turned on my heel and headed for the door.
I rushed outside and accidentally dropped my purse, the contents spilling out of it and littering Spencer’s porch.
“Alice.” I heard his voice from behind me. He’d followed me out.
I was already on the ground, trying to gather my belongings. He knelt to help me.
“Don’t,” I said, firing my pain at him. “Just don’t.”
He didn’t listen. He stayed there, insisting on helping me. My things were everywhere. I grabbed my lipstick before it rolled off the porch and into the dirt.
“I’m so sorry.” He handed me my wallet, his voice turning raw. “I never meant to cause you harm.”
I started to reject his apology, but he kept talking.
“Kirby didn’t tell you right away because he was concerned about what your reaction would be. He asked me to help him get closer to you, and he left it up to me, as to when I thought you’d be ready to hear it. I didn’t know what to do. But after I started having deeper feelings for you, I thought the time was right. I wanted to make everything better, to get it out in the open. I swear, I only had your best interest at heart.” He paused, with his voice still raw. “When I was doing the DNA search for my dad, I kept thinking how strange it was. Me looking for my father, when Kirby could possibly be yours. I know how hard this is for you, but I think it would benefit you to know the truth, to take the test to see if he’s your dad.”