by Sandi Lynn
I rushed him up to the OR and did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough.
“Time of death, 14:05,” I sighed.
Grace
“Damn it. I need more pads,” I spoke. “More suction, Dr. Lasher.”
“He’s going into V-fib, Dr. Harper.”
“Start CPR and get the paddles,” I spoke. “Charge to 150. Clear.” I stared at the monitor. “Charge to 200. Clear. Damn it. Push Atropine now and charge to 200. Clear.”
“Dr. Harper,” Steve, the anesthesiologist, spoke.
I stared into his eyes as he slowly shook his head. I swallowed hard as I looked at the clock.
“Time of death, 14:45.”
I handed the paddles to Dr. Lasher and slowly walked out of the OR. I found the nearest stairwell and leaned against the wall, sinking down until I was on the ground. Tears started falling from my eyes as my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
“Grace?” Jamieson asked as he stood over me. “What happened?”
I started to cry harder. Losing a child during surgery was the one thing I’d never get over. It was also the one thing I couldn’t deal with. Jamieson sat down next to me and grabbed hold of my hand.
“I couldn’t save him. He was only seven years old. His injuries were too severe, and he bled out and coded.”
“I’m sorry.” He brought my hand up to his lips. “I know how hard it is. It’s bad enough when they’re adults, but when they’re children, it’s far worse. Come here.”
He let go of my hand, wrapped his arm around me, and I laid my head on his shoulder.
“Have you told the parents yet?”
“No,” I cried. “God, I hate this.”
“If you want, I’ll come with you and tell them.”
“Thanks, but I have to do it.” I sniffled.
I lifted my head from his shoulder, took in a deep breath, and wiped away my tears.
“How’s your motorcycle crash guy?” I asked.
“He didn’t make it. His intercranial bleed was too bad.”
“I’m sorry.”
“The guy should have been wearing a helmet,” he spoke.
I stood up and wiped my eyes one last time.
“I better go tell them,” I spoke.
“I’ll come with you,” Jamieson said.
I gave him a small smile before we left the stairwell and headed to the surgical waiting room. I had forgotten about the fight we got into this morning. Once again, he was there for me, even though I didn’t need him to be. I took in the moment because I knew that once we got home, everything would go back to being total hell.
Jamieson
The moment I opened the door to the stairwell and saw Grace sitting on the floor crying, I knew something bad had happened. As much as I was mad at her for this morning, I wanted nothing more than to comfort her and take away her pain. I hated the fact that I felt that way.
After doing my final rounds, I went home, poured myself a drink, and sat on the rooftop, listening to the waves as they crashed against the shore. I was happy that Grace wasn’t home. I needed the silence, and I needed the peace.
“Hey,” I heard Grace’s voice. “There you are. I went to visit your mom and they said she was discharged.”
“Yeah. She discharged herself. I came up here because I want to be alone.”
“Do you know where she went?” she asked.
I slowly closed my eyes before I unleashed my rage on her.
“What fucking part of ‘I want to be alone’ do you not understand?” I shouted.
“I’m sorry. I’ll get out of your way,” she spoke.
Chapter 39
Grace
That was it. I’d had enough. I went to my room, grabbed my duffle bag from the closet, and threw some clothes in it. I wasn’t staying here another night and I didn’t care if I went to jail. Actually, jail would be a hell of a lot better than living here. I climbed into my car and drove to the hospital. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back to my apartment. When I arrived, I went into the on-call room and lay down on the bed. My stomach was growling because I hadn’t eaten since lunch, so I got up, grabbed some money from my wallet, and went to the vending machine.
“Dr. Harper, I thought you went home,” Dr. Lasher spoke.
“You mean Hell?” I shot her a look. “I’ll be in the on-call room if you need me.”
I put some money into the machine and pushed the button for a turkey sandwich. After I ate half of it, I laid down and closed my eyes.
“Dr. Harper,” Dr. Lasher spoke as she opened the door. “Justin, your patient that’s scheduled for surgery tomorrow, is vomiting and has a fever of 102.6.”
“Seriously?” I sighed.
I got up and took the elevator up to Justin’s room.
“Hey, Justin. How are you feeling?” I asked as I looked over his chart.
“Not good, Dr. Harper.”
“I want you to repeat all the lab work and do a set of blood cultures. I suspect it’s a virus, but it’s better to be safe,” I spoke to Dr. Lasher. “Don’t worry, Justin, we’ll give you something for the vomiting. Dr. Lasher, can I see you in the hall?”
She followed me out of the room and we walked over to the nurses’ station.
“I need you to call Dr. Finn and tell him about Justin’s condition. We’re going to have to postpone the surgery.”
“Sure, Dr. Harper.”
“You know where to find me. And by the way, he’s in a mood, so good luck. Do not under any circumstances tell him that I’m here. Understand me?”
“Yes, Dr. Harper. Is everything okay?”
“It’s Dr. Finn. Do you think everything is okay?” I arched my brow at her.
Jamieson
“Damn it. I’ll check on him in the morning. If there’s any changes overnight, let me know,” I spoke.
I ended the call and sighed. I finished off the last of my drink and walked down to Grace’s bedroom. I lightly knocked on the door and she didn’t answer, so I placed my hand on the handle and opened the door, only to find her not there. I went downstairs and checked the living room first, then the kitchen. It appeared she wasn’t home. Where the hell did she go? I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed her. No answer. I sent her a text message.
“I don’t care where the hell you are, but you need to call me. Justin is sick and we’re going to have to postpone his surgery.”
I waited for a response that never came. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at one a.m. I grabbed my phone from the coffee table and there was still no message from Grace. On my way to bed, I opened the door to her room and she still wasn’t home.
“Damn you, Grace,” I spoke to myself.
Walking back downstairs, I grabbed my keys, climbed into my car, and drove to the hospital.
“Dr. Finn, what are you doing here?” Dr. Lasher asked.
“Where is she?”
“Who?”
“You know who. Dr. Harper. And don’t lie to me,” I spoke in a stern voice.
“She’s in the on-call room.”
I opened the door and she wasn’t in there. When I turned around, I saw her walking down the hallway.
“Jamieson, what are you doing here?” she asked with aggravation.
“Looking for you. What are you doing here?”
She walked in the room and I followed behind, taking note of her duffel bag that was sitting on the desk.
“Why the hell did you pack a bag? Are you planning on living in the hospital?”
“You know what? I’m tired. Go home,” she spoke. “You made it very clear you wanted to be alone, so that’s what I’m giving you.”
“I didn’t mean for you to leave. Damn it, Grace. Stop playing the martyr.”
“Me?” she spoke in a loud tone as she pointed to herself. “You’re the one who’s playing the martyr, Jamieson. Do you know what’s it like living with you? You’re a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute, you’re all sweet and kind and act like you care, and t
he next, you’re the fucking devil. You’re rude, arrogant, and just plain mean. So get the hell out of here and leave me alone!” she shouted.
I stood there and stared into her eyes, which were filled with anger. I’d seen her angry before, but never like this. It hurt me to think I made her like that. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t fight, and I knew I had to put a stop to it.
“Grace—” I calmly spoke.
“Don’t.” She pointed at me.
I walked over to where she stood and wrapped my arms around her. She tried to fight me, but I wouldn’t let her out of my tight grip.
“I’m sorry,” I spoke.
“You’re always sorry, Jamieson.”
“I’m an asshole. I admit it. Hate me. I deserve it. But I’m hoping you’ll give me a chance to make things right. I care about you. More so than I’ve ever cared about anyone. For the first time in my life, I’m ready to talk about my past and my family. I want to tell you everything. You’re my wife for the next six months and you have the right to know.”
She broke out of my loosened grip and took hold of my hand as we both sat down on the bed. She tightened her grip as I started telling her my story.
Chapter 40
Jamieson
“My mother was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic when I was eight years old. It began when she started taking me to remote cabins in the middle of nowhere to hide.”
“Hide from what?” Grace asked.
“Anything and everything. Aliens, the government, but mainly my father. She was convinced they were trying to kill her and me. We stayed there for days until my father found us. I wasn’t allowed to go outside because of her paranoia. The last time she had taken me away was when it got really bad. She would lie in her bed and scream all night long. She told me that the aliens took her in the middle of the night and injected worms inside her. She would scratch her arms so violently that she broke the skin in several places. I couldn’t take it anymore, so when she was asleep, I found her keys that she had hidden, unlocked the door, and ran for help. After about two miles, I stumbled across a small family-owned general store. They called the police and an ambulance, and she was taken to the hospital. But even before all that, she was behaving strangely. I would sit at the top of the steps and listen my father scream at her. He told her she was an unfit mother and that he was going to take me away from her. I’m positive that was part of the reason she took me and ran. After she was hospitalized and finally diagnosed, she started her medication and came home. My father couldn’t understand, and he didn’t want to deal with it or her. He started working late nights at the hospital, and not too long after everything had happened, he filed for divorce and sought full custody of me, stating she was incapable of taking care of me full time. The judge agreed, and he got full custody and she had visitation. That destroyed her. After the divorce was final, that son of a bitch opened up his Beverly Hills practice. He purposely waited so she couldn’t touch it.”
“Jamieson, I’m so sorry,” Grace spoke as she laid her head on my shoulder.
“He told me that he opened that practice for me, because I was going to become a great urologist like him, and after I finished med school and my residency, we’d run it together. He told me that it was my legacy because his father, my grandfather, was also a urologist and his father before him. I didn’t want to be a urologist. I wasn’t sure at that point what field of medicine I wanted to study until I began researching schizophrenia and the brain. I became fascinated with neuroanatomy and the complexities of it. I was drawn to the different types of tumors and the tremendous amount of sacrifice and challenges that I would be faced with. I couldn’t do anything at that point to save my mom, because there is no cure for schizophrenia, but I could save other people. I could restore the normalcy of their lives that the tumors took away from them. I could give them back to their loved ones. When I explained all this to my father, he resented me for it and told me that I was going to become a urologist. He screamed and yelled all the time and said I was nothing but a disappointment. He told me it was in my blood and that I’d never be good at anything else, even though I was at a genius level. So, to keep the peace, I led him to believe all through med school that I was going to be what he wanted me to be. It wasn’t until my residency that I finally told him to fuck off and that I was going to be a neurosurgeon. I told him that I was going to find a cure for schizophrenia and that I was going to help my mom. He called me every name in the book and told me that I was living a pipedream and one day I’d regret my decision.”
“Oh my God. He’s such an asshole,” Grace spoke. “What parent does that to their child?”
“Exactly. He couldn’t even be bothered to come to my graduation or to any of the award ceremonies that I was acknowledged at. He completely cut me off during my residency. The only reason I have the money I do, besides making great money at my job, is because my grandfather left me a trust fund in my name that I was to receive in full when I turned twenty-five. It was a secret trust fund that he kept from my father because he knew how he was. He passed away when I was nineteen, but I told him in confidence a few months before he passed that I was going to be the best neurosurgeon in the world and no one was going to stop me. So you’re right when you say there is no love lost between me and my father. He can’t stand me as much as I can’t stand him. He never forgave me for going into neurosurgery and I never forgave him for being a lousy father and for walking away from my mother when she needed him.”
“Where did your mom go?” Grace asked.
“Hell if I know. This is what she does. She disappears and then pops back in every few years. This last time she was gone for five years and she’ll probably be gone for another five. I stopped needing her a long time ago. I didn’t need anyone. I knew what I wanted and what my focus was, my career and my research.” I glanced over at her. “I’m sorry for the way I treated you and for the things I said. A part of me felt like my father and I hated it. I’m not him, Grace. I never will be.”
“You’re nothing like him, Jamieson.” She placed her hand on my cheek. “You are a good man.”
The corners of my mouth curved upwards. “You told me I was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”
“I was mad.” She wrinkled her nose.
“Listen.” I took hold of her hand. “We both know things about each other now, so I was thinking that maybe we could start over. Our secrets are out and maybe it’ll be easier to get to know each other better. We could start slow or something.”
“We’re married.” She laughed.
“I know and maybe we could just forget about that for the time being. I want to get to know you without all the drama and baggage we both have in our lives.”
“I’d like that.” She smiled.
“Will you come home?” I asked.
“Yes. I’ll come home.” She looked at the clock on the wall. “We both need to be back here in four hours. Maybe we should just stay and get some sleep.”
“Maybe we should.” I smiled. “I can shower here, and I have extra clothes I keep in my office. Shall we?” I motioned for her to lie down.
I climbed behind her and wrapped my arms around her. There wasn’t much room, but we fit just fine. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders by telling her everything. For the first time in my life, I felt free, if that made sense. There was nothing more I was keeping from her, except my feelings. The ones I tried so hard to fight. I never wanted anything from anyone before, but now, Grace Harper knew me. She knew my secrets and she knew my flaws and she didn’t go running for the hills. She stayed wrapped up in my arms and that made me happy.
Chapter 41
Grace
He finally opened up to me and I was grateful. I felt sadness listening to him talk and I couldn’t believe the actions of his father. I now understood why he was the way he was. The hurt, the anger and the pain consumed him all these years. He wanted to start over and I was all for it. I always knew there was a goo
d man deep down inside him that was trying to escape but fear always stopped him. I lay wrapped in his arms, not very comfortable for the bed was small, but it didn’t matter. He was here with me. I closed my eyes and for the first time in so very long, I felt at peace.
“Dr. Harper,” Rebecca opened the door. “Oh, excuse me. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, Rebecca. What did you need?” I asked in a sleepy voice.
“This better be good, Dr. Lasher,” Jamieson spoke. “We’ve barely been sleeping.”
“There’s a trauma coming in. ETA is ten minutes. “Pile up on the highway.”
“I’m on it. Thank you.”
She closed the door and I turned and looked at Jamieson.
“Good morning.” I smiled.
“It would be better if we could sleep a few more hours,” he spoke.
I climbed out of bed and changed into a pair of scrubs.
“Work calls, Dr. Finn,” I spoke.
“I guess I better get up and help out. It’s going to be crazy out there.”
I went over to the sink and quickly brushed my teeth, ran a brush through my hair, and headed out the door.
“Were you here all night?” Jackie asked.
“Yeah. I slept in the on-call room.”
“I paged neuro already. I don’t know when Dr. Finn will be in.”
“He’s here.” I smiled.
“He is?”
“Yeah. He slept in the on-call room too.”
“Everything okay with you two?” She arched her brow.
“Yeah. I think everything is going to be okay.”
“I’m here,” Jamieson said.
“Dr. Harper, you take trauma one. Dr. Finn, trauma two.”
“What do we have?” I spoke to Dr. Lasher as I walked into trauma room one and put on a pair of latex gloves.
“Male, mid-thirties. BP 88/58, heart rate 120. Abdominal and head trauma.”
I turned around and froze when I saw him lying there. Suddenly, my heart jumped into my throat and I began to tremble.