“Consider it as a positive thing, now you can focus 100% on your board exams preparation,” he suggested with a smile, but his smile disappeared quickly. I was not just staring at him; I was shooting daggers with my eyes. How dare he say such pathetic thing?
“Sorry, I know you miss him.” His tone was somber, but he was not sorry. He sat down and pulled out his exam papers. It was our plan. Once the exams were done, he would come home, and we would do each other’s papers for practice.
I was furious at his reaction; how dare he mock my love and my misery! Angry, I snatched his papers and tore them in a million pieces.
“What are you doing? Are you crazy?” he yelled, standing up.
“How can you mock my love? I miss him. He is the most important person to me; I love him so much. And you think it is for the best,” I yelled at the top of my voice. Thank God my mother was not at home, because in that moment I had forgotten all about her.
“Love? You are barely sixteen; you don’t love at this age, Ishana,” he tried explaining.
“You won’t understand, you never loved anyone,” I spat venomously. I could feel my blood boiling.
“True, because I am not stupid enough to fall for someone’s trap,” he yelled back.
My face heated with anger and smack! I hit him with full force. “How dare you call my love a trap?” I was so furious that I felt I would erupt like a volcano and burn him in the moment.
My slap shocked Sarv and he just stood, frozen, staring at me for a few seconds. The way he clenched his fist, I felt like he was about to hit me back, but instead, he sat down with his head in his hands.
“Did he kiss you?” he whispered, without taking his face out of his hands. Thank God he was not looking at me because in that instant I turned brick red.
“How dare you?” I demanded with all the anger I could muster in my embarrassment.
“Did he smooch you?” he continued, ignoring my question.
“What is that?” I was confused. He looked up and met my eyes; they were red with pain. “Kiss on the lips,” he explained, somberly.
“It’s personal,” I responded, but my tone answered him. He closed his eyes shut.
“Did he,” he started but stopped abruptly.
“What?” I asked with an alarmed look.
“Blow job?” he enquired, almost sobbing.
“Now what is that?” Disgust laced tone. I didn’t know the meaning, but I sensed from previous questions that it was something vulgar.
At this, he stood up and between deep breaths he spoke two words, “Oral sex.”
Smack!!!
This time it was harder. “How dare you?”
“Yes or no!” He was furious now.
“It is a very personal thing to ask.”
“So you did sleep with Dev!” This time it was not a question but a statement filled with loathing and disgust.
“What kind of girl do you think I am?” I demanded. “And whether I sleep with Dev or not is my business and Dev’s. Why are you interfering?” I was wrathful. Had he been spying on us? How did he even know?
“I can’t believe you are so dumb to have sex with that bastard,” Sarv exclaimed in disbelief.
“How dare you? I love Dev. And though I have not yet done that with him, maybe I will, it is my life.” I was about to continue but Sarv held both my arms tightly and shook me.
“You are losing it, Ishana, Dev is not worth you. Don’t do anything you would never be able to take back, ever!” He shook me harder.
“What nonsense, you are just jealous.” I pushed him away.
“You are such an innocent, crazy person.” He paced angrily and then he pulled out a yellow folder and threw it on the table. And he threw a page on top of that. It was a photocopy of another page, and it felt weirdly familiar.
“Go ahead, read it. And please feel free to browse through the folder too.” The mocking, sarcastic tone of Sarv surprised me. I slowly bent down to pick up the paper, and a rather familiar calligraphic handwriting shocked me. I looked up in an accusatory glower when he spoke. “Your Dev sold this letter today for ten rupees per copy.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I looked from Sarv to the letter and then back to Sarv.
Though I had written it, I couldn’t help but read it again.
My darling Dev,
I wanted to say “I love you too”, and so much more but couldn’t find words. The way you said these magical words to me last night, it just took my breath away – literally.
I know you are leaving for three whole months now and I cannot express how sad I am. I don’t think I have cried for so long ever. You are not yet gone and I miss you already, but don’t worry, I will be fine. I have all the memories of all the nights we have spent together in the past month.
I cannot express the feelings I get when your fingers brush against my body. The tickling sensation I get as you graze over my skin; it just sets me on fire. The more you touch me, the more I crave for you. And in those moments I just wish that you won’t ever stop.
The night when you hugged me and squeezed me tight in your embrace, I felt my soul merge with yours, and now it can never be parted again.
The night when your lips touched and pierced mine, I felt my body submitting to yours, and since then I can do anything for you. And last night when you touched the tender and intimate parts of my body, when you kissed me up and down, I felt a euphoria that I have never experienced before. I can still feel you on top of my body, and I can hear my body scream for you, for your pleasure, and ask for more.
Sadly you won’t be here to spend another beautiful night with me, but I will wait for you and remember these moments. I can’t wait to make you mine fully and cherish our bond for our whole lives.
I love you Dev, now more than ever.
Please take care.
Waiting for you.
Ishana ♥♥♥
Betrayed
It felt like someone had moved the earth and I was falling into the unending abyss. Dev – my Dev – how could he? My heart felt heavy, and I felt my eyes burn, but tears didn’t leave them. It was too much for me to bear and I had no clue regarding how to react. I stood like stone, my eyes piercing the letter, hoping that somehow it would change and not be the one I wrote only a few hours ago.
“Do you know where Dev is?” Sarv took a heavy breath. He could sense my misery and felt my pain, but could he? Had he ever felt this betrayed? Devastated? Heartbroken? I wanted to say ‘Chennai,’ but no words escaped my mouth. My eyes were not ready to let go of this treacherous paper that held my love.
“He is off to Goa with Sarthak and Rahul.” His words finally unglued my gaze and made me look up. I knew Sarthak and Rahul were his vulgar friends and I didn’t like them. I wanted to ask ‘What?’ but couldn’t. However, my expressions must have said so because he answered automatically.
“You may want to sit down for this,” he spoke, but I couldn’t move. Sighing, he moved towards me and pushed me onto the chair. He also brought me a glass of water, forced me to take a sip and spoke with a bowed head.
“First, trust me that I came to know about all this only today. I believed, no matter how awful a bastard he is” – my instinct was to curse him and slap him for abusing Dev but I resisted; maybe Dev deserved it – “I felt that a girl like you, so pure and beautiful, could make him change. But I was wrong, and I am sorry for not letting you know the truth before.” He waited for me to react, but given that I was staring blankly at him– with a million emotions storming inside –he continued.
“He is not serious about his studies, Ishana. His father is very powerful and influential, and he already has made some deal to get Dev top marks. All Dev needs to do is appear for the papers, and it will be done. You too must have observed that Dev doesn’t study,” he said, and I finally found some strength in my back and nodded gently.
“Well, he is popular as the son of Mr. Shah, but he is not popular otherwise. Boys use him for his money but nobody respects
him. To boys of our school, having a cool, beautiful girlfriend garners respect, and by having you as his girlfriend, he attained that respect.”
“But our relationship was a secret.” My hoarse voice felt alien in my throat.
“To you, yes, but for the whole school, you are his girlfriend – with an alleged relationship.” His words forced my eyes wide open.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that your relationship is way too popular. You don’t know but you have been very popular in our school for a few years now. A quiet, simple, and utterly beautiful girl who doesn’t pay heed to any boy. When Dev booked you as his girlfriend, the first thing he did was showcase your birthday note to everybody.” There was sympathy in Sarv’s voice; he thought that showcasing my birthday note was worrying me, but what truly worried me was the word ‘booked’.
“Booked?” I was shocked.
“He showcased you in a rather indecent light, and told others that when he was done with you, they could book you next.” If my heart was pained earlier, it turned horrified and furious now.
“What the hell do you mean?” I barked, angrily.
“He broadcasted your entire relationship by day, and there was a bet between him and Rahul, that if he managed to sleep with you before the end of pre-board exams, Rahul would sponsor the trip to Goa and well, he did.” At this, I stood up abruptly.
“How dare you,” I roared with anger. I felt as if my face would melt with fury.
“Your letter suggests so.” He cowered in fear and pointed at the paper.
“Nothing happened last night. He kissed me, but I didn’t even let him take off my clothes,” I explained, trying to defend my virtue, but as my own words rang in my head, I realized my own mistake. What had I done? I let him kiss me so intimately in places where nobody had even touched me. I let him do all that stuff to me, and I felt immense pleasure. I let him…
Suddenly, my feelings of tender love and euphoria vanished and a feeling of being exploited, violated and raped crept in. I hugged myself and tried to shield my body from the world. But what was the use? I had exposed it myself; I felt like I had shown my naked body to everybody. I felt defiled and dishonored. My teary eyes fell on my letter, and as I scanned my words again, I realized another mistake. The way I had written it, it was as if he had conquered my body. Sarv stayed mute; he understood my pain. Or did he?
“You said you found out today, how?” I demanded. The pain in my heart was subsiding, and now anger, humiliation, and a rage was boiling within me.
“I saw a copy of your letter in Sarthak’s hand today. I recognized your calligraphic writing as you use it in every note for Dev, so I forced him, emotionally blackmailed him, and even threatened him. He is weak; he blurted out everything. I took his folder too.” Sarv pointed at the yellow folder. I was about to open it, but he picked it up first, “Wait for me to finish,” without a second thought I pulled my hand back. I decided to wait. After all what worse could this folder contain?
“I went to Dev’s house to confront him, and I met the shock of my life there. I hate to visit his house because his father is a rather vile man, Ishana. I wonder how his mother tolerates him. He is extremely filthy, and he looks at every woman with dirty eyes. It’s God’s mercy that Dev has no sister, else he would have eaten his daughter with lust,” Sarv spoke with venom.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I always felt that the way Dev’s father looked at me was wrong – immoral even – but I never knew the extent of it.
“When I asked Dev for an explanation, you know what he did?” Though he posed a question, Sarv didn’t pause to hear my answer. “Dev just laughed, Ishana. Laughed! He asked me to relax and said it was all a teenage game and ten years down the line even I will look back and enjoy.” My eyes watered a bit because I forgot to blink.
Sarv took a deep breath and continued, “I started yelling all sorts of abuses at him, so his father came in. When he realized what we were fighting about, he laughed too.” Sarv paused and clenched his fists tightly. He continued with gritted teeth and spoke, “‘My Dev has conquered his first one. I am proud of you to find a virgin. Now, why don’t you bring her over and maybe Daddy too will have a taste of the whore,’ and they laughed Ishana. Dev’s father has been talking about sleeping with a woman for quite some time now, and he always referred to her as a ‘whore’ and even worse names at times; I didn’t know that he always talked about you.” And though my eyes didn’t leak, Sarv’s eyes brimmed over, and a few tears moistened his cheeks. “I am sorry, sis, I never knew that this was going on, I care for you, I really do, I would have warned you,” he finished and handed me the abominable yellow folder.
I took it and opened it with shivering hands; the first words made me nauseous. They read The Slut Chronicles.
Present Day in the Bar
Ishana paused to look at Ravi’s expressions. He was sitting motionless with his mouth slightly open in shock. Dev’s truth petrified him. Ishana mocked him by laughing. “Now you know the answer to your question, right?”
“What?” Ravi was taken aback by her question and reaction. How could she take this so lightly?
“You asked me if we both truly loved each other. Now you know.” She finished her glass and lit another cigarette. As she recalled that moment of deceit, she forgot about everything else, even him.
“He never loved you!” Ravi spoke in fury. “He was a…” he paused to find a suitable abuse. He wanted to say words like asshole, motherfucker, or dickhead, but he settled for ‘pervert bastard’.
“The worst one.” She blew smoke in the air.
“So, what was the Slut Chronicles? Is it what garnered you this horrible reputation?” he demanded, feeling ashamed.
“No, I was officially tagged as a ‘slut’ much later in my life,” she replied scathingly.
“Really? This folder had nothing to do with it?” Ravi was curious.
“It formed the base, but this reputation didn’t take hold until…” she paused abruptly.
“When?” Ravi was sitting on the edge of his seat. He just couldn’t wait to hear the climax of her story.
“All in good time my friend, you will know all your answers, all in good time!”
The Slut Chronicles!
School Life – Year 2001
“The Slut Chronicles,” I whispered in a repulsive tone. Sarv sat down with his head back in his hands. I looked at him for a second; he seemed too ashamed to face me.
I browsed through the folder. I recognized Dev’s untidy scrawl. He had noted down every moment of our relationship. Pages after pages were added to the folder, each with a date and notes. Some were his version of our relations, and some included the small notes I had passed on to him. My notes – all filled with my love, immaturity, and innocence – the ones I wrote with my heart, in the beautiful, elegant calligraphy style.
I read his first entry –
1st September, 2000:
Entry 1: After waiting and waiting for almost six months now, finally I got my birthday present today. I finally cracked the bitch, and now I own her. I cannot believe she couldn’t speak a word in front of me. How can someone be so stupid, but never mind that, by the time I am done with her, a slut will be born!
Entry 2: I bunked school and went to meet the soon-to-be slut. Wow, she still couldn’t utter a single word. Her friend, I wonder if it’s a boy dressed as a girl, speaks a lot. She annoyed me tons, but I have to wait. Soon, this Shiva or whoever is going to be out and I will be in this slut, literally.
Entry 3: She gave me two things today. A mixed-tape – can you believe it – as a birthday present. It has all sorts of stupid love songs including Deewana Tera and stupid Falguni Pathak songs. I wonder what kind of idiotic slut listens to shit like this. Well, I am going to throw it away as soon as I am done with her. She also gave me a letter, enclosed, asking me to join bloody Khanna’s coaching. Even Maa couldn’t make me attend his classes; now this slut is going to. SALA SEX KE LIYE KUCH
BHI KAREGA!
My eyes focused on the last line and I realized my mouth was gaped open. I looked ahead, and my letter was Xeroxed and attached to the next page.
8th September, 2000:
The slut succeeded and I joined. Can you believe it? It’s going to be fun to play with her, but these classes are very boring. I hate to realize that I have to waste and endure this crap for two hours every day. And surprise! Surprise! The slut loves to study…
I scrolled through the pages; they went on for so many. As I glanced through them, I realized how he had documented my side of the relationship and showcased himself as macho. He had written everything from touching my hair to holding my waist. And everywhere he referred to me as a ‘slut’.
My eyes fell on the date when he had kissed me for the first time; it read, ‘I felt her tremble beneath my lips, and she widened herself – lips and legs – inviting me. I felt my dick harden and how I wanted to do that slut, fuck her brains out, but decided to tease her, torment her more. I couldn’t fuck her body, so I fucked her mouth with mine.’ I pressed my lips together hoping it could save me the agony of that night. I flipped through the pages and reached the last entry and read it with horror. This one entry was going to haunt and threaten me for a long period of time.
6th January, 2001:
The wait for the slut is over; I made her a woman today. What a night it was… I never knew fucking a slut could be this pleasurable.
I started with a kiss on her lips. This time she opened them wide, inviting me in. I felt her tremble under my touch. I pierced her rosy, soft lips and she chewed mine. She bit me hard and though it was a little painful, it was pleasurable and enticing.
I moved down to her neck. I didn’t know that slut would moan so loud while I kissed it. I licked and bit it, and then moved to her breasts. It was an experience like no other. I kissed one, and it felt like I had swallowed a small mountain. It was soft, tender, and juicy. I felt something leak in my mouth; I relished it. I played with it for long and ignored the other. Much to my pleasure, the slut moaned and demanded me to do the same on the other too. She too wanted me to climb her mountains. I did and while she moaned, I satisfied my deepest desires. Yes, it was much-much better than my fantasies.
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