by L M Terry
“I don’t bite, I promise,” he says.
“Sure,” I breathe out glancing around in search of Anthony. His eyes are already on Luis and me. He nods once and then turns away from us denying me an out. Damn him.
We walk leaving the noise of the cabin behind. “Anthony and I had a chance to visit earlier. It sounds like you have been helping him slow down. He has a peace about him that I’ve never seen before and I’ve known him since he was a young man,” Luis says. I can see him looking at me from the corner of my eye, but I just keep walking in silence.
He tries again. “He has been sharing your progress with me as well. I just want you to know that you can visit with me anytime. I won’t share anything that we talk about with Anthony or anyone else.” When I remain quiet he doesn’t push further.
“I think Sophia had a good birthday party. Her gifts should keep her busy for oh, at least another hour,” he jokes and then stops to pick up a rock off the ground. He tosses it in the air and catches it before we continue down the path.
“Have you ever had a patient with panophobia? Anthony seems to think that my doctors were wrong.” I finally speak. It has been a question on my mind since Anthony brought it up. Maybe Luis can provide me some insight in the matter.
“No, I can’t say that I have. Most of my work has been helping victims of sexual assault,” he answers honestly. “What do you think?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. It happened suddenly, the fear that is. One minute I felt like a normal person and the next I felt like the world was out to get me.”
“No triggers leading up to that moment?”
I think about the noodles I had put in my cart that day. They had reminded me of the day I ran away. The day Ted and I were supposed to be picking up Chinese for my distraught mother. “No, it just happened while I was shopping. I left my cart in the middle of the isle half full and ran out of the store.”
“Hmm, Anthony says that after a bit of encouragement you are able to accomplish all of the things he has thrown at you. I don’t know too many people who would bungy jump, especially one with a phobia of heights.”
We stop at a tree that looks like it may have been split in half by lightning. He sits down on part of a downed branch and pats to the spot next to him. I take it and we both sit quietly for a few minutes.
A thought occurs to me. “He didn’t bring me here just to meet with you did he?”
He laughs. “No, I think he brought you here because he didn’t like the thought of being away from you.”
I take a deep breath. “He punched my step-dad in the nose. I’ve never had anyone stand up for me like that.” This only part truth. Anthony stood up for me before that, many years before that. He just didn’t know me then.
“He told me. All of the boys are very chivalrous, it doesn’t surprise me. Did it surprise you?”
“Well, yes. Like I said no one has ever stood up for me and he didn’t even really know what was going on. He didn’t even know I had a step-dad up until a few minutes before his fist connected with Ted’s nose.”
“He told me that as well. Why hadn’t you mentioned your stepfather? You didn’t think that you would bump into him while you were there?”
“No, my friend told me that Ted had left my mother and was shacking up with another woman in a neighboring town. I should have known that he hadn’t really left. I should have known he would show up when he learned my mother had passed. I guess I was hoping I could get in and out of there quickly. Anthony told me we could leave as soon as I said goodbye to my mother.”
“You didn’t want to be there I take it?”
I shake my head no.
“Is he the reason you moved away from Iowa?”
Again, I shake my head but this time it is a yes nod.
“Did you talk about him with your regular therapist or psychiatrist?”
“No, I only talked about him with my friend and only briefly while she was helping me run away.”
“You ran away from home? So, you left before you were really old enough to be on your own then?”
“Yes, I was seventeen. I couldn’t stay. He was an asshole. And, there was the fact that my mom was always doped up on prescription drugs. I had to get out of there.”
“So, Ted was really the only parent that you had left. Your father committed suicide and your mother soon after became an addict?”
“He only acted like a parent around other people. He didn’t play the part in private.”
“What part did he play in private?”
Luis is good, too good. How did we even get to talking about Ted in the first place?
He smiles warmly at me and somehow reads my thoughts. “I’m not trying to trick you, Dani. Could it be that you have been needing to say some of these things out loud and now feels as good a time as any?”
I begin chewing on my nails. Do I want to talk about this? No, not really but what if Ted is what’s holding me up? I want to live. I want a life with Anthony. Luis is offering to be my sounding board and for some reason I trust him. He is very easy to talk to.
“Ted is a psychiatrist too,” I say not really wanting to delve right into the heart of the matter. Luis raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything. “It’s getting dark, maybe we should get back before we run out of daylight to see the path,” I add quickly. Shit, I shouldn’t talk about Ted, not here, that’s not why we came here.
He pulls a flashlight out of his pocket turning it on and pointing it up at the tree above us. I laugh nervously. “I guess you came prepared for me to talk.”
“I did. We have all night, Dani. I don’t want you to worry about the dark or about keeping me away from the others. I live with most of them, I see them all the time. You are becoming very important to Anthony and he is like a son to me. Let me help you.”
“He used me to make money.” I blurt out, suddenly needing to get the words out.
“Were he and your mother having financial problems?”
“No,” I whisper.
“So, he was profiting off of you for more sinister reasons?”
“I guess, I never really thought about why he was doing it.”
“Sometimes there isn’t a reason, I’m afraid. I didn’t mean to steer you into trying to figure out his why.”
I nod, there isn’t a good reason and I guess the why doesn’t really matter. It was wrong. I know it was wrong, the question is why did I go along with it. Why did I let him manipulate me with that stupid story?
“I wrote an erotic story with my friend one night. Ted found it and it threatened to show it to the world if I didn’t do as he asked. It was a stupid story. It all seems silly now that I have it back in my possession.”
“You were a child and he was a professional. He used his skills against you. It upsets me that someone in my profession would do such a thing. What did you think would happen if he were to show someone what you wrote?”
“He told me what everyone would think I didn’t have to ponder over the question. He told me that people would find it repulsive, that they would think I was crazy just like my parents.”
“He took advantage of you, Dani. I’m sorry that he made you feel that way. No one should ever feel trapped into doing things they are not comfortable with.”
A feeling starts to creep in on me from the dark corners of the forest. Like a living, breathing creature of the night it crawls in wanting to grab my demons by the neck and drag them into the light. I want so badly to tell someone, to let them out. First one tear falls, then another and another. Luis sits quietly watching the tears leak out of my eyes.
“He….he took pictures of me…to…you know sell to people and then videos.” I swipe at the tears on my cheeks angrily. I’m angry I shouldn’t have to be sitting here telling a complete stranger these things. I hate Ted for putting me in this position. “I don’t know if he liked it, he never touched me. He just seemed to like seeing me uncomfortable, I guess.”
Luis nod
s to let me know that he is listening, but he doesn’t speak.
“After a while that wasn’t enough for him and he started making me perform favors.” I wince at my own choice of words. “He took me to truck stops you know and made me do things for the men we met there. He never made me have sex with them, it was just other things. Things that wouldn’t leave behind any evidence I guess.” My face drops and the shame I feel becomes almost unbearable.
Luis sighs. “I’m sorry you had to live through that and that you felt you had no one to turn to, that you were alone. You’re not alone anymore, Dani, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t take on the shame that should be his.”
“I should have done something. I shouldn’t have let him manipulate me.”
“You were a scared teenager, who was abused by someone who should have been your protector. What happened was not your fault, Dani.”
“You won’t tell Anthony will you?”
“No, I will tell no one what you told me, but I encourage you to open up to him. He will not see you any differently.”
“He will see me as a victim. I don’t want him to look at me that way.”
“He will see the woman he loves putting her trust in him. We all have pain, Dani, every one of us. He told me that he shared with you what his teenage years were like, that he was a member of a dangerous gang.”
“Yes,” I say hiccupping on a sob.
“Do you see him as a gang member when you look at him?”
“No, I see Anthony.”
“And, he will see Danielle. I’m not saying that you should tell him, today, this week or even this month. But, it’s never good to go into a relationship with secrets, talk to him when you are ready.” He pauses and then asks, “you look like you could use a hug, may I?”
I nod my head yes and lean into him. He wraps me in his arms and rocks me back and forth. He smells good, and his warmth brings me comfort, but his words echo in my head stirring my anxiety. It’s never good to go into a relationship with secrets.
“Um, that wasn’t really my biggest secret,” I whisper into his chest.
“Do you want to talk about it? I’m in no hurry here, Dani,” he says pulling back and tipping my chin with his knuckle to look at me.
“Ted sold me to traffickers. I don’t know if it was intentional, if he thought they were just another client or if he knew who they were but, they took me.”
Luis blinks one long blink. “I see,” he says. “How did you escape them?”
“I was rescued,” I say softly wringing my hands together in my lap. I peek up at him and I think he knows what I will say next. “A team came before I was sold and…” I let my words trail off.
“Anthony was part of that team?”
I nod my head. “He doesn’t remember me. The night I met him in the bar I recognized him. I knew he would save me again, so I drank the drink that he had just warned me not to.”
He nods. “He told me how you met.”
“I don’t think I can tell him.”
“Dani, that is not going to change his feelings for you.”
I stand up, my nerves are shot. I thought talking was supposed to help but now I’m terrified that he is going to tell Anthony. “I think we should get back,” I say quickly taking several steps away from him.
“Why do you not want him to know?” He doesn’t stand, staying glued to his spot.
“I don’t know.”
He laughs. “Dani, I’m a firm believer in fate….what you just said to me, wow.” He shakes his head rubbing his chin.
“When he saved me, he told me everything was going to be okay and that I was going home. I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t go back there but I didn’t. The night I got home…Ted took me to a truck stop, so I ran. How stupid was that…I let them send me back to the man who had gotten me into that situation in the first place.”
“Dani,” Luis stands taking a step towards me.
I take two steps back and he pauses. “I’ve never been able to get him out of my mind. For eight years I thought of him every single day and then poof one day he was there. If I tell him he will think I am crazy. It is insane, I know this.”
“Dani, life will take you exactly where you need to be. Sometimes we have to go through bad times to get to the good. I don’t know how it all works, no one does but this I do know. Anthony has fallen in love with you. For whatever reason it wasn’t meant to happen back then. You were young, he was needed where he was at, but life eventually brought you back together when the time was right. It doesn’t matter that you felt it before he did. What’s important is that you both feel it now.”
He steps forward and this time I do not retreat. I want to believe in his words. He wraps me in a warm embrace. I do feel like I’m right where I belong, with Anthony and his friends. “Thank you for listening to me, Luis. You are very good at what you do.”
His rich laugh permeates the evening air. “I will listen anytime. Talk to him when you are ready.” He takes my hand and the light of his flashlight leads us back to the cabin. It looks like everyone is inside for the night. Addy is swinging on the porch swing, a faraway look on her face. I tell Luis that I’ll be in later, I point to Addy letting him know that I am going to sit with her.
I take the seat next to her causing the swing to dip inciting a bubble of laughter from her. “Luis is a good listener, isn’t he?” she says.
“Too good I’m afraid,” I reply as I look up at the stars blanketing the night sky.
“Luis saved my life, all of these people did,” she whispers. She pushes her foot off the porch swinging us gently back and forth. “I went through a horrible experience in this exact spot. It’s an odd feeling coming back here with them. It was like an open wound when I left this place but today I began to make new memories. Memories that will wrap around the bad ones. I’m happy that you are here with me to be a part of my new ones.” She takes my hand in hers, squeezing gently.
“I guess I’m making new memories too. You have all been so welcoming to me.” We swing back and forth taking in the quiet of the evening. A peace settles over me. It’s nice to be around people who seem to understand me. Addy seems content in our silence, most people feel the need to have constant chatter. Addy and I are both processing our thoughts and feelings, it’s nice to just simply have someone to sit beside me while I do.
The front door opens and the light from inside spills out onto the porch. Anthony steps out with two monkeys wrapped around his neck. He smiles when he sees Addy and I swinging together. “Hey, it’s story time, I thought you might like to join us.”
Addy squeezes my hand before letting go of it. I smile at her and stand up. “I would love to,” I say waving at Addy before stepping inside.
We settle in Sophia’s bed with her in between the two of us and Noah on Anthony’s lap. Anthony starts the story about a cat and a dog. At first they dislike each other but as the story goes on, a comical series of events bring them closer together and they become fast friends. Anthony makes different voices for all of the character’s in the book enticing giggles from both Sophia and Noah.
This is a new side of Anthony. He is good with kids. I bite my lip as I watch him, he kisses Noah’s head every few pages as if it is the most natural thing in the world to do. I wonder if Anthony wants a family. He would be such a good father. This leads me to my next thought. Do I want kids? I do, but I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to be a mother. I would suck at it. I can’t protect myself let alone tiny little creatures like these two.
After three more books both kids are zonked out. Anthony lays Noah in his little toddler bed while I tuck Sophia in and turn on her Disney themed night light. We both pause in the doorway giving them one last look before closing it quietly behind us.
“I saved you a piece of cake,” Anthony says pulling me into his arms as we stand in the hallway.
“You know the way to a girl’s heart,” I tease standing on my tiptoes to place a kiss to hi
s lips.
“You okay?” He rubs his hands up and down the length of my arms.
“Yeah, I’m good. That wasn’t very nice you know?”
“What?” He feigns ignorance.
“You know what. Did you ask him to talk to me?” I draw imaginary lines over his chest with my fingers, not looking at him.
“I talk to him; he knows more about me than anyone. He is like a father to me. I think he could sense that you needed someone, he is very perceptive. I’m sorry if it put you on the spot.” He stops my nervous hands by placing his over the top of mine.
“I told him things. Things I will eventually tell you. I don’t want to keep secrets from you, Anthony. But I’m not ready right now. Just know that I will talk to you.” I raise my eyes to his, the relief that I talked to Luis is apparent in his expression. He runs his finger from my ear along my jaw line to my chin. “I appreciate everything you have done for me and your family has been wonderful. Tonight, on the swing with Addy, I felt true peace.”
He grips my chin between his finger and thumb and pulls me to him. His warm lips tease over mine as he speaks. “I am happy for you, Dani. You deserve peace. I know with you here by my side I feel complete.” He kisses me softly, showing me just how content he is. When he pulls away we both stand there looking at each other like giddy teenagers. “How about that cake now? The others want to play charades. How lame is that?”
“I don’t think it’s lame, sounds like fun. But, I need that cake first.” I laugh and grab his hand pulling him with me out to the kitchen where the others are.
Chapter Twenty
Anthony
◆◆◆
Dani has found her place amongst my friends. It has been a relaxing couple of days, but I am anxious to get back and have her all to myself. There is still so much I need to discover about her and her body. Tomorrow we are all heading to Denver. Our plans are to stay a few days to do a few more touristy things before we go our separate ways. We have vowed to get to together more and I promised them that Dani and I will visit them in Mexico in a few months. Dani was super excited with this bit of news.