by Ina Carter
The screen behind me and the crowd was blaring the name Tanner, cheering for the player who scored. I looked at the photo Marina took of me, ready to send it to my sister, and I froze. Behind me on the big screen, she had captured the face of the player who had hit the home run. The image was not in focus and the features of the guy were not clear, but I felt like I was going to faint. I stared at the blurred picture feeling dizzy. The name Kevin Tanner glowed crimson underneath the photo. The last name was not Mason, but those green eyes
“Laurie, are you okay? You look pale…” I heard Marina’s voice coming from far away like she was talking through a funnel.
“What’s wrong, babe?” She caught me before I swayed and helped me sit on the cold cement.
“Mari, I think I just saw a ghost...” I said in a whisper.
“Who?” she asked, concerned.
My brother.
(fifteen years ago)
Mamma bought me a new dress and braided my hair in the morning. It was the first day of kindergarten. The dress was blue with white daisies. Daisies were my favorite flowers. Mamma was smiling, and even Daddy gave me a kiss on the cheek. He smelled like beer and his face was prickly, but my Daddy was happy today. He told me to be a good girl and listen to the teacher. Then he and Mamma drove me to the big school on the other side of town with the truck. I was shy and afraid to talk to the kids, but I liked the pretty dresses all the other girls were wearing.
They brought flowers to the teacher, and I asked Mamma why we didn’t bring any. She said, “Those kids like to be the teacher’s pet, baby. You ain’t going to be like them. You speak your mind, Julie.”
I didn’t though. The teacher said her name was Mrs. Collins and she asked for our names. When it was my turn, I barely whispered, “Julie Taylor.” She asked me to repeat it louder, so everyone could hear, but I got so nervous that I just looked at my brown shoes and didn’t speak. The teacher smiled and then she read my name off a paper introducing me to the class.
I liked school. We had story time and Mrs. Collins read to us about a Very Hungry Caterpillar. She showed us the pictures in the book, and I liked all the colors and how pretty they were. I wanted to learn how to read the books. We didn’t have any at home, but once Mamma took me to the convenience store in town and there was a section with books. I sat on the ground and waited for Mamma to go buy bread and milk, and I looked at the pretty pictures. Now I knew the pictures told stories. Mrs. Collins said when we learned the letters, we could learn how to read the words, too. The kids ate lunch, and I ate my peanut and jelly sandwich which Mama wrapped for me in a paper this morning. It was the best day.
At the end of the day, we were walking to the bus when I saw the boys. One of them was this mean kid Tommy who lived a few houses down from mine, and he always hit me and said bad words to me. The other two I didn’t know, but I didn’t like that they were laughing and pointing at me. I waited my turn to get on the bus, trying to remember what Mama told me – to look for the big oak tree and then get off the bus. I had to take the road behind the green house, and I’d get home.
I was at the end of the line, right next to the fence, where some blackberry bushes had taken over the school side yard. I didn’t see the boys approach me, but I felt someone push me from behind. I fell forward, right into the shrubs, and the thorns dug into my palms. One boy pulled my braid and another tugged at the back of my new dress. I heard the fabric ripping when the strap on one arm tore off. I started crying and trying to get up. They kept laughing. One of them called me a name I didn’t’t understand.
They had surrounded me and were snickering, I stayed on the ground on my knees, holding the ripped dress, and the tears running down my face. My knee was bleeding and so were my hands. It hurt, but more than anything I was humiliated in front of all the kids in my class. The teacher was in front of the line, counting the kids going in, and didn’t see what happened.
This was when one boy stormed towards us. He was waiting in another line with some older kids, but he saw what happened. He looked mad. When he reached us, he didn’t say anything, but pushed Tommy right into the bushes, the way he did to me earlier. Then he kicked him. His fists tightened, and he turned to the other two mean boys. He was as tall as them, but there was determination and fierceness in his green eyes that made them bolt. I could tell fear. They left behind their friend and ran.
The fight finally caught the attention of one teacher, and he headed in our direction.
“Kevin, what did you do?” He grabbed my savior by the elbow, looking at him like he was the one in trouble.
“Nothing, Mr. Talon.” The green-eyed boy uttered, his voice sounding defensive.
“He was helping me. Tommy and his friend pushed me down and ripped my dress.” I managed to scream through my tears. The teacher left the boy alone and knelt in front of me. He looked concerned. There was blood on my face but that was from my hand when I tried to wipe my tears away.
“Jesus,” the teacher whispered. He grabbed me in his arms and cradled me, his hands shaking.
He carried me to the nurse’s office, telling my teacher on the way to hold the bus.
The nurse was gentle and kind and she hugged me tight when I was placed on a big bed. I had stopped crying, but my knee still hurt. They were asking me questions, but I was only looking at my feet and didn’t speak. The lady took my hands and looked at them. Then she took a swab, poured some liquid on it from a bottle, and came back to me. “This is going to sting a little,” she warned me before she started cleaning my bloody palm. I flinched from the sharp pain and my eyes filled with tears again, but I bit on the inside of my cheek, and didn’t make a sound. Mama told me I should never be a crybaby.
The nurse cleaned my hands, pulled the few splinters from my palm with tweezers, and then put big bandages on. They had pictures of a bunny. She did the same on my scraped knee. The bunny was playing on a field with flowers. They matched my blue dress.
“What is your name, sweetheart? We have to call your parents to come to pick you up.” The teacher who carried me, hunkered down and looked at me. I didn’t want to tell him. I didn’t want Mamma and Daddy to know I got in trouble on my first day of school.
“Her name is Julie Taylor. Her Mamma works at the diner in town.” I heard a voice coming from the other side of the room. It was the boy who pushed Tommy and scared his friends. He followed us. How did he know my name? I looked at him angrily. The traitor.
“Thanks, Kevin.” The teacher patted the boy's head and left the room, surely to call my mother. Mamma would not be happy. She told me this morning I needed to take the bus because she was working at the diner until late.
I was scared, but then Mr. Talon came back, looking upset. He was running his hand through his hair, looking at me, unsure.
“I can’t get a hold of her parents. They didn’t list any personal phone numbers. I called the diner, but no one is picking up.”
The nurse looked at me shaking her head, her eyes were kind and sad at the same time. She had just put a safety pin on my dress to fix the strap.
“I can take her home, Mr. Talon. I know where she lives. I’ll walk with her from the bus.” The boy, who hadn’t left the room, offered.
“I guess that’s the best we can do, Maggie. They are still holding the bus. I’ll keep trying to reach her mother and let her know what happened.” The teacher sighed, then he turned to the boy.
“Make sure she gets home safe, Kevin.”
“I will.” He looked at me with that same determination written on his face as when he came to my rescue.
He walked with me and Mr. Talon to the bus. The line was no more, and all the kids were already in their seats. Mrs. Collins was the only one waiting by the bus. She looked at my bandaged knee and my dirty dress and her eyes softened.
“Are you okay, Julie?” she crouched down at my eye level. I nodded my head.
“I am so sorry, sweetheart. Tomorrow I promise you we’ll read another book, and we’l
l have a lot of fun.”
I was not so sure I’d like school that much anymore, but I thought I might keep going for the books.
The boy, Kevin, let me get on the bus ahead of him. All of the kids were looking at me curiously since they were all held late for my sake. I was too scared to look at them, afraid they might hate me. I took the empty seat in the front and to my surprise, Kevin sat next to me.
He took my hand in his, and for a strange reason, the warmth of his touch was comforting.
“How do you know my name?” I spoke for the first time since I had told the teacher he was not the one who pushed me down. He averted his eyes, avoiding mine. When he looked back at me, his lips quirked a little and he smiled.
“I am Kevin.”
“I heard.” I couldn’t help but smile back. He squeezed my hand.
I finally took a good look at the boy. He wore jeans, which had grass stains on the knees, and a plain black t-shirt. His dark hair looked like it was chopped up with blunt scissors, falling uneven over one side of his face, large chunk sticking strangely on the back of his head. He was skinny and not too tall, but I saw him as a giant when he was mad and threatening those bad boys.
I liked him. His eyes were like the grass in early spring. I loved how the field behind our houses looked around April before the hot sun turned the grass yellow. I snuck out of the house and ran to the meadow sometimes when mamma was at work and daddy was asleep. I took off my shoes and buried my toes in the fresh turf, feeling like the strands were alive under my feet. There were spring wildflowers everywhere, but I picked only the daisies and made them into small posies. They were so tiny and pure, so beautiful. Daisies reminded me of a sun with a halo. I laid down on the grass and looked up straight at the sun until my eyes hurt. When I looked to the side, the grass looked even more vibrant green, like it was glowing. Just like Kevin’s eyes.
He smiled again, and I could see he was missing one of his front teeth. I had also lost one in the summer. He seemed to be smiling only to one side like he was trying to cover that he had a hole in his mouth. He had a lot of freckles on his nose like he’d been bitten by bees. I liked to think they were kisses from the sun.
The bus made one stop in the middle of town. It was right next to the church. Me and mamma went there once on Easter Sunday. Mamma said we didn’t need to go to the home of God to believe in him and that it’s for rich people. She told me to pray before I went to bed and I always asked God for one thing – to make mamma and daddy happy. I promised to be a good girl. I didn’t know if he heard me.
The next stop was the one with the big oak tree, the one I needed to get off on, but Kevin already knew that. He took my hand and helped me down the steps. We hadn’t made it a few steps down the road when someone ran by us. There were more kids who lived in the same neighborhood as me, but the one who passed us was Tommy.
Kevin must have been keeping an eye out for him looking behind his shoulder because he dropped my hand and picked up a big stick from the trail. There were a lot of fallen branches around the wooded area on one side of the dirt road leading to our houses. Kevin swung the stick at the running boy but missed him. Tommy kept dashing forward apparently afraid of my guardian. He was way down the road out of Kevin’s reach, when he braved up, turned around, and started taunting us.
“Trailer trash. Is she your whore, Kevin?” he shouted.
I didn’t know what the words meant, but I knew they were bad. It’s what Tommy and his friends had called me earlier. Kevin’s grip tightened over the stick, and he swung it hard in Tommy’s direction. The branch flew in the air and landed with a thud on the road, not even close to its target. Tommy just laughed, but when he saw Kevin ready to bolt and run after him, he started sprinting like a coward. Kevin came back to me and took my hand again.
“What is trailer trash?” I asked. This is the one thing I remembered. The other word I had forgotten.
Kevin laughed. “Trailers are the houses you live in, Julie. They have wheels.”
He was not making sense. “My house doesn’t have wheels. Tommy’s does.”
“Yours has spaces for wheels too, Julie. They can get your house tied to a truck and can move it anywhere.”
That was actually so cool. “So, we can move my house all the way to Dallas? Daddy says he went to a rodeo there once. Does your house have wheels, Kevin?” I asked. I didn’t know why, but I wanted to go to a rodeo with him.
“No, Jules. My house is bolted to the ground.”
“Where do you live, Kevin?” I asked, curiosity stirring inside me. He knew where I lived for some reason, but until today I didn’t think I’d seen him around.
“Down the road,” he answered elusively, pointing to the main road where the bus dropped us. “My Daddy works on one of the big farms and our house is not far from there.”
“How are you going home?” I asked worried. He got off the bus for me, so he could walk me home, but I knew the farms were far away.
“Don’t worry, Jules. I’ll walk. I am used to it,” he assured me.
“How do you know where I live?” I stopped and looked at him, scrunching my eyebrows. I needed to know. He seemed to know way too much about me, and I was starting to get concerned.
We were already at the entrance for my community, right next to the open field I loved. Kevin looked at me unsurely, like he was deliberating something and then pulled my hand, leading me to the meadow. It was September and the grass was still burned by the hot summer sun, but I didn’t mind the feeling of hay under my tights as I sat down. Kevin got on his knees when he sat across from me. He was eyeing me strangely.
“I know who you are, Jules. I’ve seen you with my Mamma.”
“I don’t know your Mamma, Kevin.” I was confused.
“We have the same Mamma, Jules – Connie Matthews. We have different daddies. I am your half-brother.” He looked down when he uttered the words.
“I don’t have a brother.” I replied, sure of it. He was making stuff up.
“It’s not a lie, Jules. Mamma had me first before you were born, but when I was one – they took me away. I am seven now, two years older than you.”
“Who took you away?” I almost screamed. I couldn’t believe this. I might have a brother, and no one ever told me about him. “Why?” I was ready to cry again.
“I live with my Daddy, Julie. He tells me that Mamma is bad. He calls her names. … He tells me when I was a baby, I lived with her in the trailer park. One night she took me to town and left me asleep in her truck. She went to go meet with your Daddy. I woke up crying and people heard. They called the police and then those social people took me away from Mamma and gave me to my Daddy…”
I knew the social lady that came to our house sometimes. Mamma dressed me in my green dress with the kitten in the front pocket and told me to be nice. She also told me not to say to the lady that Daddy gets mad sometimes. Mamma said if I said something, the lady would take me away and would send me to live with the boogieman.
“Is your Daddy the boogieman, Kevin?” I asked almost in tears, afraid that it was all true and that they had sent him to live with the scary monster. Kevin was shaking his head.
“No, why? Does Mamma tell you that?”
“No, she says if I tell the social lady Daddy gets mad, they’ll give me to the boogieman.” I started sobbing for real. Kevin took my hand in his and reached with his other hand to wipe my tears. I looked up at him.
“Does your Daddy get mad often, Jules? Does he hit you?” he asked in a whisper.
“I hide when Daddy’s mad. He and Mamma start screaming sometimes and fight, but I go under my bed and stay as quiet as a mouse. Then Daddy is nice to me in the morning. He ain’t hitting me - just mama.” I admitted almost in a whisper, telling him our big secret.
Kevin nodded like he understood. “You do that, Jules. You are smart. I also stay out of my Daddy’s way when he is angry, but he is not the boogieman. Just my Daddy.”
We sat for a long t
ime in silence, looking at the mountains in the distance. The sun was still up in the sky, but the ground was starting to cool down.
“Why didn’t Mamma take you back, Kevin? I always wanted to have a brother,” I whispered.
“I don’t know, Jules. I think your Daddy didn’t want me. Mamma comes to visit me sometimes and brings me clothes, or when I was little - toys, but she and my Daddy always start screaming at each other, so she ain't coming anymore. Just comes to school sometimes and gives me some dollars. She used to bring you along in your stroller when you were little. This is how I know who you are….”
I didn’t know what to say. Why mamma didn’t tell me about Kevin? Why had she kept him a secret?
“You know when you were little, I was mad at you…” Kevin said almost in a murmur, “I wondered why she wanted you and not me… Last year, when I was in first grade, I used to get off the bus after school and walk to your house. I would hide across, behind the big tree, and watch you play outside by the stairs. Your Daddy had the small plastic pool for you in the spring. And then I wasn’t mad anymore, Jules. It ain't’ your fault. You made mamma happy. You were like sunshine. I wanted to know you, too.”
Kevin’s words made me the happiest I’d ever felt. He called me Sunshine. I beamed at him and like on command, his lips stretched, too. He smiled, but not with the crooked smirk from earlier. A big happy full-on grin. Then I saw it - mamma’s smile. The one I always looked forward to and prayed to God every night before bed that I saw more often on her face.
“I am so happy I have a brother,” I confessed my joy.
“Me too, Jules. I am happy you are my sister.” He squeezed my hand again, and I swore his smile grew even bigger.
“Would you be my friend too, Kevin? I don’t have any friends.” I asked.
“Sure. I’ll always be your friend. I won’t let the boogieman ever take you away. I promise.” He crossed his heart.