by Ina Carter
“Shoot. Don’t taser me!” he pleaded. I glared at the object in my hand, and my eyes were about to pop. I was holding a black plastic toy gun, but instead of a front barrel, it had a yellow capsule on the front. My finger was on an actual trigger which scared the shit out of me. I hated guns, even if they were for self-defense. I dropped the thing, not sure if it was an actual weapon or not, but not willing to take the risk I might shoot someone with it.
“Give me my guitar,” I commanded the stranger who had entered my safe space.
He stepped slowly into the room and reached for my guitar in the corner, extending it to me from a distance.
“You are not going to hit me with it, are you?” he asked cautiously.
I didn’t answer him, but instead I cradled my baby into my arms, and like in the past, it helped me relax. My heart slowed the galloping in my chest to a trot and I finally found my wits to examine the guy who came into the room. He was handsome, tall, had blond hair, and even though his eyes were still vigilant, they also seemed concerned with my wellbeing.
“Are you feeling okay? You were… I wanted to take you to the hospital, but that moron – my brother said no doctors…He rushed out and got you a taser instead,” he stuttered a bit, his words not giving me the answers I needed.
“Where am I, and who are you?” I stitched together the two most urgent questions in my head.
“Oh, this is my house in Silver Lake, and I am Liam Tanner,” he answered.
Tanner? The name sounded familiar.
“I am Kevin’s brother,” he cleared up, “Adoptive brother.”
The ridiculous thought to tell him, “Welcome to the happy family then,” popped into my head, but I kept my mouth shut, not sure if he knew the history between Kevin and me.
“Did he bring me here?” I asked incredulously, considering how Kevin and I parted ways.
Liam finally took a step closer to me, sat on the edge of the bed, and looked at me sympathetically. His brown eyes were kind, and I felt safe in his presence somehow.
“Do you remember what happened two nights ago?” he asked.
My heart skipped a few beats. “Two days? Is that how long … Wow… At least it wasn’t two weeks this time…” I murmured under my breath. The admission slipped, and I looked at Liam assessing his reaction, worried he might think I was some mental case who had blackouts on a regular basis. He smiled and there was no judgment in his eyes.
“Kevin had dark times too, Lauren. It has been a while since the last time… I don’t know what happened between the two of you the other day, and I am not going to pry. I hope you two figure it out.”
“Is he here?” I asked unsurely. I honestly didn’t know if I could face him right at that moment. Not after what he did to me.
“Why, you want to taser him?” Liam smirked knowingly and made me smile.
“Okay, then. She smiles, so my job here is done.” He got up but didn’t leave the room, just stalled watching me. He was a nice guy, that much I knew.
“Did he seriously buy me a stun gun?” I looked at the plastic device still lying at the foot of the bed.
“Yeah, he hasn’t been rational in the last few days. Said after what happened, might make you feel safer or whatever…I kicked him out of here before he makes things with you worse…” Liam’s smile disappeared, a shadow crossing his face. “I am sorry for how he acted with you at that party, Lauren. I’ve never seen him like this.”
It’s been twelve years and people change, I thought to myself, but I didn’t say it out loud.
Liam was about to leave the room, but he grabbed a large duffel bag sitting in the corner of the room and placed it at the foot of the bed.
“I should leave you to rest. Here are some of your things for when you feel better. The bathroom is down the hall, right next to the kitchen, if you want to shower.” He offered.
“Did Kevin bring me the guitar, too?” I asked. The instrument was my comfort blanket, and I was grateful to whomever brought it to me, but I didn’t want to feel indebted to Kevin. He was an asshole, and instead of healing my old wounds, he opened new ones.
“No, I went to your sorority house and got some of your things. The guitar seemed important, considering it has some personal embellishments, so I got it on a hunch.”
Wow. Liam Tanner sure had a big heart, not to mention a sixth sense. “Thank you,” I whispered, grateful for his thoughtful gesture.
When I was alone, I laid back down, my fingers traced the riff of my baby, and I started strumming the strings. The song that my subconscious picked was The two of us by the Beatles. It was telling – Kevin and I had a huge Beatles phase, but I never sang any of their songs before. I hummed the line, “You and I have memories, longer than the road that stretches out ahead,” and my spirit lifted up a bit. Maybe Kevin lost his way home, but at that moment, I knew that I was going to find him.
The moron got me a gun, after all. He remembered his promise.
(thirteen years ago)
Kevin watched the guy walking down Main street and eyed the holster on his backside. “Jules, when I grow up, I am gonna work hard and buy you a gun, so no one picks on you when I am not around.”
“I am scared of guns,” I said unsurely, “Ma says you can hurt someone on accident.”
“Then I am gonna get you a stun gun. You can zap that bully Tommy and make him dance,” Kevin promised.
I started giggling when his whole body started twitching and shaking, and he dropped on the pavement, like he got zapped to show me what damage I could unleash on my bully.
I might have snoozed again, lulled by the happy memory. When I opened my eyes, I felt like I was fully back to the present. Something about this episode felt different. Last time, when I had the flashbacks of my whole childhood being torn apart, I pushed the memory away, but the fear stayed with me for years. It was that subconscious dread that the one person I loved the most in the world might be gone forever.
This time I knew Kevin was alive and well, and it was giving me much needed closure. He did hurt me, but I also saw his raw pain the other night. Something must have happened to him in the last twelve years to change him so drastically, and I had to find out what.
When all my senses awakened, I sniffed the air because my nose detected some foul smell. I looked down at my hands, and there was still dirt under my fingernails. I realized it must have been three days since the last time I showered, and I was the one who stunk.
I got out of bed and started rummaging through the duffel bag Liam left for me. My face reddened when I picked up the few pairs of panties and bras, thinking of the guy who had to go through my underwear drawer to bring them to me. I looked again at the man's shirt on my back and blushed even harder realizing someone must have undressed me.
I emptied the contents of the bag on the bed and looked at what clothes I had. Thank God, Liam was sensible and packed jeans and t-shirts, not some of the slut wardrobe I bought to fit in with that sorority. Just the thought I might have to go back there and see that skank Cattie made me sick. I pushed away the filthy images from the party and tried to focus on the task at hand – to wash all remains of that day from my skin. All I knew with complete certainty was that I was not going back to that sorority house. I’d have to figure out something.
When I left the room where I slept, I stopped in my tracks. Liam’s living room was like a cutout from some luxury magazine. The house was not like the flashy mansion of my parents, but this was not a modest bachelor pad for sure. The floor to ceiling windows revealed an amazing view of the city, and the living room opened to a large balcony. The architecture was modern with clean angular lines, but the furnishing was not a designer showroom, devout of life. The soft fabric sectional and shag rugs were gray and blue, masculine tones, but the house was decorated with comfort in mind. It felt like someone’s home.
I didn’t linger around gawking and passed quickly by the kitchen, finding the door to the bathroom. Like the rest of the house, it wa
s all top of the line and luxurious, but honestly, all I cared about was that it had hot water and shampoo. Liam didn’t pack any cosmetics from my room, but thank God, his bathroom was fully stocked, including new toothbrushes and toothpaste. Once I showered and I got dressed in my comfy jeans and Led Zeppelin band t-shirt, life felt a little better. I dried my hair, and since I didn’t have a tie to pull it into a ponytail, I let it hang loose.
Liam was in the kitchen when I got out of the bathroom. He looked at me and smiled.
“Hungry?” he nodded to the plate with a sandwich and a glass of orange juice on the counter.
I stared at the stranger for a long moment, stunned by his kindness and hospitality. He gave me the impression of a down to earth wholesome guy, and yet he was obviously well off. Definitely nothing like the rich kids I knew in school.
“Actually, I am starving. Thank you, Liam,” I answered as I sat on the barstool on one side of the kitchen island across from him. I took a large bite of the ham sandwich he made me and started chewing slowly. The guy was quiet, watching me with interest.
I turned around to take one more look at my surroundings and noticed things. Liam seemed to be into baseball like his brother because there were memorabilia items all over the space - a few signed baseballs in cases, a mitt over the fireplace, some baseball team picture on the wall in the hallway.
“Baseball fan, huh?” I smiled at him when he noticed me observing his possessions. Liam laughed.
“A bit more than a fan. Like Kevin, I also play.” He smirked. “You don’t follow sports obviously.”
“I watch figure skating,” I joked “So, what college do you play for?” By the look of it, he was around my age, maybe a year or two older, so likely he was still in college.
“Actually, I never went to college. Got drafted right out of high school. Played one year in the Minors and then got called to the Majors. Just finishing my third season with the Dodgers.” He looked coyly at me, studying my reaction.
“I see. You must be good then,” I just said casually, wanting Liam to know I was not going to fangirl over his admission because he was some famous athlete. It did explain the house but also told me why he seemed so normal. He probably didn’t grow up rich, just got lucky with his career. That I could respect.
Liam watched me in silence while I finished my sandwich, but his smile was gone, his eyes weary with concern.
“You seem to be doing better?” he noted “I am sorry for bringing this up, but… if you would like to bring charges, I can come with you to the police station. I can tell them I also witnessed what happened the other night…”
I stiffened and swallowed my last bite hard. “I am not going to the police, Liam. Kevin was an asshole, but I am sure he didn’t expect I’d have a breakdown…”
“Kevin? What? Do you remember anything?” Liam seemed confused. “Shit,” he swore and turned away like he was not expecting I had holes in my memory. I was starting to panic for the same reason. My recollections were foggy, and the last thing I remembered clearly was when I ran out of the frat party. I had no idea how I got to Liam’s house or anything until this morning.
“Tell me.” I tried to sound firm, but my voice was shaky.
“We found you on the side of the building, and some drunk frat boy was on top of you…” he murmured, avoiding my eyes.
His words felt like a punch, and I was about to return the sandwich back to the counter.
“Did he….” I managed to whisper, afraid to even think of the next word. When I was falling into despair, there was something – rough hands holding me down, hurting my body…
“I don’t think so… He had his hand under your skirt and was dry humping your leg, but I think we got there before that bastard harmed you.” Liam tried to sound reassuring, but it didn’t make me feel better.
The realization that I was almost raped, that some monster violated my body, and I let him, were too much to process, especially after the two days of the nightmare I had. My tears started running down my face and I turned away. I didn’t want Liam to witness me fall apart again.
“You don’t remember? Kevin and I thought that’s why you were in shock. When he picked you up, you were not responsive…” Liam was trying to make sense of the things that were not adding up for him. Apparently, he and Kevin assumed I was in shock from the attempted rape.
“I have PTSD, Liam. Unfortunately, or maybe I should say fortunately in this case, I had a bad episode before I left the party. Sometimes I have flashbacks of past trauma, blackouts, and dissociation from reality that lasts a few days or even weeks. I don’t remember things, and the physical pain during an episode is from my uncontrolled fight- or -flight reflexes. The panic makes all my muscles flex painfully, and I wouldn’t know if someone stabbed me…” I admitted my condition.
I was afraid to look at the guy and see the judgment on his face. Confessing my mental illness never went well with people – they always assumed I was somehow at fault for my condition, volatile, and possibly dangerous.
“I am sorry, Lauren. You must have been through hell…” Liam whispered and then placed his hand on top of mine, making me look up at him.
His eyes were full of understanding, warmth, and comfort like he knew more than he let on. I wondered if Kevin had told him who I was and what happened to us twelve years ago.
Thinking of Kevin, a memory from something I overheard in the last two days emerged. The two men fighting outside my room– it was him and Liam.
“What did Kevin do that night?” I asked. I remembered their heated exchange, and I was sure Kevin was the one on the receiving end of the reprimand.
“He lost it, Lauren. I’ve never seen him this crazy before. He pulled the monster off you and then beat him to a pulp. If I wasn’t there to stop him… It would have been way worse…” the guy admitted.
“How much worse?” I asked anxiously. On the back of my head, there was another feeling. One of hope. Kevin did this for me. After we fought, he ran after me. He was angry at me for some unknown reason, but he took it out on my attacker which meant he cared for my safety.
“Someone called campus security, but by then Kevin already did a lot of damage. That guy was drunk, didn’t put up a fight, and ended up in the hospital with two broken ribs… You should consider pressing charges, Lauren. That asshole deserves to pay for what he did to you.” Liam’s tone was laced with anger.
“What about Kevin? Is he in trouble for this?” I asked the pressing question. This felt like a repeat of what happened twelve years ago – Kevin saved me from danger and then our world crashed as a result.
“I don’t know. He is meeting with the NCAA commission today. We’ll see what they decide…” Liam noted elusively.
“Do you know his name?” my voice shook again, asking about the man who tried to hurt me.
“Carlton, something… His dad’s some rich oil guy from Florida… It doesn’t matter you know. What he did is unforgivable, and he shouldn’t get away with it.” Liam declared resolutely. His eyes charged with fury, and I understood his desire for justice.
He was also right – that man touched me when I was in my most vulnerable state. Being drunk should never be an excuse for anyone to violate a girl.
“I’ll go to the police, Liam. Maybe not today, because I am still a bit shaky, but I will,” I whispered, promising him.
As I said the words, my body started trembling again. The knowledge that something else was taken away from me was another trigger. Not as bad as the one two days ago, but still made me queasy. The desperation in my current circumstances was another reason to panic.
I couldn’t go home because my dad would flip. I had zero doubt he would find a way to turn this on me somehow. I remembered four years ago, before I ran away from home, some sophomore at school tried to fondle my breasts in the hallway. I slapped him hard and kicked him in the groin. We caused a scene and the principal called our parents. My father, in front of the guy who sexually assaulted me
, his rich parents, and the school faculty, told me that he was not going to tolerate my behavior and that violence was never justified. He not only made my attacker look like the victim of the whole situation, but I was the one who got a suspension for a week. This was not going to be any different.
Liam was watching me with concern, and I wondered if I was becoming too much of an inconvenience for the guy with all the drama surrounding me. I thought that I should probably call Marina and ask if I could go stay with her in Santa Barbara for a few days. The heck with school – it didn’t matter anymore.
Something in Liam’s expression changed like he was not sure if he should say whatever was on his mind.
“Listen, I don’t know you, but when I went to pick up your stuff, I saw what kind of girls live in your sorority. You don’t seem like someone who fits in with that crowd. After what happened, are you sure you want to go back there?” He reverberated exactly what had gone through my head. I was either that transparent, or the guy was able to read minds.
“I am not going back there, Liam. I was just about to call a friend and crash with her for a while.” I told him about my plan. “Thank you for letting me stay here by the way. Thanks for everything, in fact.”
He rubbed the back of his neck like he was nervous about his next sentence.
“I know this might come out of left field, but can I make a proposal?” he asked unsure. “My last game of the season is next week, and then I am leaving town. My Dad bought a fixer-upper in Florida, and I am going down there to help him during the offseason months. Last year when I was on vacation someone broke into my house and stole some stuff. Probably overeager fan or something because it was just memorabilia and personal items. Anyway, if you are interested, you can just stay here to housesit for me. I’ll even pay you for the favor.”