“You know precisely what you want, and you are unafraid to reach for it.”
I huffed. “That is hardly true. I may know what I want, but I have more than enough fears.”
He set his hands at his waist. “But you do not let your fears overcome your determination. Like your riding. You suffered a horrible accident, but instead of refusing to ever ride again, you push yourself to excel at it, and you even broaden your skills on bareback.”
I waved that off. “Why should I worry over what terrible things might happen? If I suffer another accident, then so be it. But I’ll not relinquish the joy I find in riding because of my fears. It is the same with—” I paused. It still felt odd to discuss Edward with anyone, let alone an unmarried man.
“With your mysterious suitor?” the lieutenant filled in for me.
“Well, yes,” I said. “Our families present a challenge, to be sure, but they are only a temporary obstacle. The promise of happiness is worth the risk.”
“And he agrees?”
“Of course he does.” I tried to hide the trace of irritation that slipped through my words. “Edward knew all this when he—”
“Ah,” he said, snapping his fingers. “Edward is his name. I knew you would slip up eventually.”
I crossed my arms. “It hardly matters. There are a dozen Edwards in Millbury alone.”
“But considering you just returned from Brighton, I have a suspicion this particular Edward is not a local. I’ll discover his identity sooner or later.”
“Why the sudden interest in my suitors?”
“Suitors? Poor Edward has some competition, then?”
I tried to maintain my frown, but his boyish grin wore me down. I shook my head, turning back to Stella and adjusting her reins so Lieutenant Avery wouldn’t see my smile. “No, there is no competition, I’m afraid.”
Lieutenant Avery was quiet for a long moment, and as I faced away from him, I could not tell if his silence was because of what I’d said or if he was busy gathering his belongings.
I turned the subject back. “Why is it you feel you cannot do the same as me?”
“Collect secret suitors, you mean?”
His quick response made me give a short laugh. “No, pursue what you want in life. I thought you were set on returning to the navy.”
“I was,” he said. “Now I am less certain.”
What made him uncertain about a future he had been so intent on only a week before? But he gave the slightest shake of his head and glanced away, and I did not press him.
Instead, I turned and grasped my saddle on either side. This part was always difficult, as I was neither particularly tall nor strong. As I began pulling, a hand settled on the sidesaddle’s pommel near my head, holding it in place.
“Allow me.” Lieutenant Avery’s voice sounded in my ear. Too close.
“I can manage.”
“I have no doubt. But please let me act the gentleman since I’ve failed so often in the past with you.”
I stepped to the side; if I stepped back, I would have bumped into him, and friend or not, he was more attractive than I cared to admit. I did not need flaming cheeks at the moment. “Thank you.”
He grasped either side of the saddle and hefted it off, setting it nearby. Then he moved back to Stella and took her reins. He ran a hand down her neck as he examined her lines. “She is beautiful,” he said. “I am no expert on horseflesh, but even I know she is a diamond.”
“Stella is more than a diamond.” I stroked her back. “Her name is star in Latin, and I do not think there is a better word to describe her.”
“Indeed.” He gave her one last pat on her nose, then handed me the reins and stepped back. “I wish you better luck in mounting this time.”
I sent him a mock glare. “I should like to see you do better.”
“I am afraid that is a sight you will never see. I am content to keep a saddle between my horse and me.”
“Then you are missing one of life’s greatest joys,” I said, tugging loose the straps that bound the bridle to Stella’s head. “Nothing compares to a full gallop with only wind and horse beneath you.”
“Save for perhaps a frigate at full sail with naught but sky and waves to surround you.”
My hands paused in their task. When he spoke of the ocean or the navy, he spoke like no other man I’d ever known. His words held a natural poetry, the emotion that he felt for the things he loved.
He went on, not noticing my distraction. “In any case, I cannot even begin to understand how you stay mounted with nothing to hold on to.”
I slipped Stella’s bridle off and laid it beside the saddle a few steps away. “Why do you think I need to practice?” I asked. “It does not come easily, I’m afraid. It’s a matter of balance and trusting your mount.”
He crossed his arms. “Show me.” He sounded intent, curious.
“All right, then.” I turned to Stella, and before she knew what I was doing, I took her mane and pulled myself up, throwing my leg over her back without mishap. I quickly tugged down my habit skirts. I did not want him to think I was entirely wanton.
I rode long circles about the meadow, reacquainting Stella with the feel of me on her back and the subtle signals we’d developed without the use of a riding crop or reins. Lieutenant Avery watched from where he’d settled on a low branch. He occasionally called out questions or observations and made me laugh more than once. I’d thought I enjoyed riding alone, but that was just because I’d needed to keep my secret. After all, I’d never been a creature of solitude. This was far and away more fun.
After a half hour, I pulled Stella to a stop in front of Lieutenant Avery’s tree, and he slid from his branch.
“Finished already?” he asked. “Here I thought I’d get to see you gallop. You speak of it so highly, after all.”
He’d been so kind in offering to watch my practices, but still, I hesitated. Galloping bareback was sheer elation, shared between Stella and me, and to allow someone else inside that feeling . . .
But it was Lieutenant Avery. Nicholas, as my mind kept wanting to call him. He was the only one who knew my secret, and beyond that, he was the only one who did not judge me for such an improper activity.
And I did want to run. It had been far too long.
“Just for a minute, then,” I said.
He nodded. I took a deep breath and kicked Stella. She bounded forward as if she’d been waiting every second for the chance, and then we were sailing across the meadow. My veins flooded with heat, blood pounding through me, and I bent low over Stella’s neck, feeling every vibration of her hooves, every muscle pulling beneath me.
We reached the end of the meadow in a wink and raced around the curve back the way we’d come. I tried to capture this moment in my memory—no thoughts, just pure emotion. When we found this perfection together, Stella and I, it was beyond my ability to describe. She trusted me as I trusted her, and together, there was nothing that could stop us.
Except, perhaps, for having no more room to run. All too soon, I was forced to pull Stella back to a canter and then a trot.
“There you have it.” My chest heaved, and I patted Stella’s neck as we approached Nicholas standing where I’d left him. “Are you now tempted to try bareback?”
We drew even, and I forgot whatever teasing words I meant to say next. He stood unmoving, mouth parted, jaw slack. But it was his eyes that drew me in, staring at me with a strange intensity, gripping me.
Nicholas swallowed. “Yes,” he said in a rough voice. “Quite tempted indeed.”
I was not breathing. I tore my gaze away and dismounted in such a hurry that I stumbled.
“Are you all right?” He stepped forward.
“Yes, of course.” I spoke briskly. “But I really ought to be going now. Mama will be wondering what on earth I’ve been talk
ing to Olivia about for so long.” I moved toward where my saddle lay, but he beat me there. “Thank you,” I said as he lifted it atop Stella’s back. When he stepped away, I moved in and immediately set to work tightening the girth and adjusting the buckles. Anything to busy my hands.
“Perhaps we might meet again in a few days?” Nicholas’s voice had thankfully lost that rough—and unnerving—quality. Instead, he sounded almost indifferent.
I straightened. I was being silly. I’d imagined something in his eyes, in his words, that I knew simply could not exist. He was not looking for a wife, and I was not looking for a husband. He must have been impressed by my riding or at least impressed I hadn’t fallen off. That was all there was to it.
“Yes, please.” I still wanted to practice, after all. And even if he did set me at odds more often than I would like, he was my friend. I both needed and wanted a friend, and I wouldn’t allow any silly misunderstandings to come between us. “Perhaps Thursday?”
He nodded. “I look forward to it.”
So did I.
Chapter Twelve
I left the lieutenant a few minutes later, riding back to the road strung between Havenfield and Linwood Hall. I was intent on keeping up the appearance that I had been visiting Olivia the whole time instead of spending unchaperoned time with Nicholas Avery. No matter that we understood each other; Society would not look kindly on either of us if we were discovered.
That begged the question: what would Edward think if he knew? His was truly the only opinion that mattered. I flattered myself to think he might be a little jealous, but certainly, he would not care if he knew Nicholas was disinterested in marriage. In truth, I felt a bit deserving of this friendship. Edward and Marjorie had each other while I was trapped away in the country with not a soul who knew my secret besides Nicholas. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to confide in him?
I sighed, and Stella snorted in response. I patted her to let her know I appreciated her empathy, but my thoughts went immediately back to Edward. We’d both hoped to have more information by this point. I’d had but two letters from him since I’d arrived at Havenfield, and they had been far from enough. But I’d sent my latest letter only that morning, so surely I would hear from him soon.
Now I felt the itch again, the need to make progress. I’d been distracted by both Nicholas and Olivia, but I had to focus on what really mattered: finding a way to be with Edward.
I reached the road, a sharp line of brown against the green of the trees and brush, and slowed Stella to a walk. I’d had my fun in the meadow and now would act the part of high society lady if anyone were to come upon me.
Which they immediately did.
“Rebecca,” William called out as he approached on horseback.
I offered a wave, but before I could speak, his glare caught me off guard.
“Where is your groom?” He pulled his mount up short as he reached me. His words were a cross between an accusation and a demand.
I drew back my chin. “I was only riding to Linwood. I hardly thought that merited a chaperone.”
“Why is it you were crossing that field, then?”
Of course he would notice that. But I wasn’t about to tell him I’d been riding bareback with Nicholas. He would likely lock me in the cellar. For my own safety, of course.
“It was just a quick ride, William,” I said stiffly. “You needn’t make such a fuss.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw. “I wouldn’t make a fuss if you would only do what you promised when I bought you that horse. Need we review that agreement once again?”
We’d danced around this issue for long enough that I suddenly wanted to hear clearly what he meant. “You would take Stella from me?”
His eyes widened at my blunt words. “No. That is, I do not want to. But your well-being is my priority, Rebecca. Please try to understand that.”
“Then when I tell you I am simply riding to a neighbor’s home, can you not trust I am taking all precautions to be safe? I am hardly dashing about the countryside taking haphazard jumps.” Although I was riding bareback. But I was doing it carefully, with Nicholas’s observation. It certainly wasn’t any more dangerous than a ride down this very straight, dusty road.
He considered my words, his mouth set in a hard line. “I want to trust that. But you’re a bit too impulsive for me not to worry.”
“Impulsive?” The satisfaction of riding and spending time with Nicholas was no match for the irritation that now fought to the surface.
He winced. “I did not mean how that sounded.”
“I should hope not.” My voice was short. “Because it sounded very much as if you do not think I have a sensible bone in my body.”
He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. “I am sorry. I’ve had a trying morning, and I’m afraid I am lashing out at the person who least deserves it.”
I did not want to forgive him that easily, but he looked so very browbeaten. “What happened this morning?”
“Juliana.” He waved his hand as if that should explain everything.
“And what has she done to warrant your frustration?”
“It’s more what she hasn’t done.” He frowned. “She refuses to rest, even with her confinement fast approaching.” He shook his head. “In any case, I am sorry for what I said. Frustrated or not, I spoke too harshly.”
I took a deep breath, resisting the urge to reject his apology and ride away. “It is forgotten. But, William.” I paused. “I intend to visit Linwood Hall fairly often to see Olivia Avery”—and Nicholas Avery, though I did not mention that—“and I’ve no reason to take a groom on such a tame ride. Can you trust me enough for that?”
He scrutinized me. “I can,” he said eventually. “But do not take advantage of that trust, Rebecca.”
It was not the vote of confidence I had hoped for, but it was good enough. “I won’t.”
It wasn’t a lie, I told myself. And although it wasn’t precisely the truth either, I could not give up the one thing that brought me continual happiness, even if I had to hide my riding from my brother. I would be careful.
“I’m late for an appointment, or I would ride back with you,” he said, reining in his energetic mount.
I waved him off. “Trust, William.”
“All right, all right. I will see you at dinner.” He started off past me, but I’d gone only a few steps when he called me back. “The other day, when you asked about the Bainbridge family . . .” he began.
I straightened, though I fought to keep my face expressionless. “Yes? What about them?”
“I finally had time to look into the situation more. Papa wrote rather extensively about it, and I’ve just scratched the surface. But from what I can gather”—he paused—“All I can say is that Mama was right. The Bainbridges are not a family you wish to know, Rebecca. I am glad you returned home before any real problem came of it.”
My fingers froze around my reins as though it were the depths of winter and not late summer. What could he possibly have discovered? My insides screamed to know more, to question him until I knew every last detail, but I could not do that without earning his suspicion. Why could he not simply tell me what he knew? “No matter,” I somehow said, hoping he did not notice how strained my words were. “It is in the past, is it not?”
“Exactly right.” William nodded as if the matter were settled. He waved and started off down the road again.
But the matter was far from settled. And I knew precisely what I needed to do. After William disappeared around a bend, I wheeled Stella around and kicked her into a gallop. I had failed to learn anything in my first visit to William’s office.
I could not afford to fail again.
It took me nearly an hour to find what I was searching for. William’s office was daunting as ever with its towering shelves of ledger books, and I wasted far too much time
pulling down random volumes and flipping through them, hoping I might spot something obvious. But after replacing what felt like a dozen books, I had made no progress.
It was then my gaze focused on the wide mahogany desk filled with organized chaos. William was methodical but simply had far too much to do to keep his desk clear at all times.
I hurried to the desk and sorted through his piles. Loose papers, letters, a map of the estate, nothing at all that could be a record Papa had written.
Then I opened the top drawer on the righthand side, and there it was: a black, leather-bound book. It was too small to be a ledger, and no title crossed its cover. I set it on the desk. It was thicker than I’d first thought. Heavier. A scrap of paper poked out from the middle of the pages. Someone had marked a spot.
My fingers found the scrap, but I hesitated.
These were my father’s words. They were about business, yes, but he had still penned them.
I hesitated a moment longer, then I opened the book, spreading it over William’s desk. The left page was dated the twelfth of September 1806.
Discussed the situation today with Mr. Needham. He had little to say on the matter, never having come across such circumstances before. But he advised me to be careful. Thorough. Whatever I choose to do, I must ensure he does not come back.
Unease trickled into my stomach. Mr. Needham was our family’s solicitor; Papa had to be speaking of Mr. Bainbridge here. Why else would William have marked this spot? I skimmed the rest of the page and the next but saw no mention of the Bainbridge name. I flipped the page.
Bainbridge came to see me today. He insisted I pay him the money I owed him. When I replied that I’d already paid him fairly for his shares, he began ranting and refused to leave. I threatened to call the Runners, and he finally left, though not before spitting on the floor. The man cannot be trusted.
The account went on to describe a different business dealing, saying nothing more on Mr. Bainbridge. I sat back in William’s chair, reading the words again to clarify them in my mind. Mr. Bainbridge had tried to force more money from our family, even after Papa had fairly bought him out. To me, Mr. Bainbridge was clearly in the wrong, but his family thought otherwise. Likely, Mr. Bainbridge had spun a tale of woe, blaming Papa for his financial failures and fooling his wife in the process. Thankfully, Edward had not been so poisoned by his father.
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