by Ryan Michele
This time, her hands clutched mine tightly as she turned her body to meet mine, garnering every bit of my attention. Her focus was intense, like whatever she had to say next meant more to her than anything. I felt myself go on high alert, but I didn’t let it show. Another trick I’d gained from Uncle Sam.
But the next words that came out of her mouth would change my life forever. No amount of decorum or stoic blank faces could’ve helped me in this situation. “Because my father wanted me to abort my baby.”
Baby. “Baby?” I asked, puzzled as my heart started to thump heavy in my chest. The world seemed to shift. The air grew thick.
Her gaze never left mine, and it felt as though she was trying to get inside my head and figure out what I was thinking. Me? I didn’t even know what I was thinking. “That night we had together, Micah, we made a little girl.”
My world stopped for a moment and tipped on its axis, spinning so out of control it threatened to explode. My damn stomach never got butterflies, but fuck if I didn’t feel them now.
Baby.
A child.
We had a child?
“What?” She held onto my hands this time as if I was going to run away and leave, but I was too rooted to the spot to even think of going anywhere.
Nothing would get me to leave at this point. There were too many unanswered questions. My chest got so damn tight. A tiny human was mine?
Really?
Looking to her car, in the backseat was a baby seat as all the pieces of my life started falling. Everything I thought I knew seemed to change in the blink of an eye. Fucking hell.
Ensley looked at me with such hope in her eyes. Hope that I’d believe her? Hope that I’d want to be part of my child’s life? Hope I wouldn’t screw her life up? Hell, I didn’t know at this point.
And here I thought making amends with the Ravage MC was going to be a heavy load to carry.
She hesitated momentarily, biting her lip before repeating herself. “You have a daughter, Micah. Her name is Remy.” I was pretty sure she’d have to tell me this about a million more times before I could wrap my head around it.
The news rocked me to my core.
I pulled away from her and got up from the table, running hands through my short hair. A kid. I had a damn kid. A living breathing human being with my DNA. How was that even possible? We used protection. That I was for certain because never had I’d gone ungloved.
Mentally, I needed to process this news. Fuck, I was trained to handle any situation, but they didn’t teach this shit.
Confused, worried, scared, happy…. Hell, I didn’t know how I was feeling.
Visions of a baby crying, poopy diapers, and vomit pelted me like rocks. I misheard her. I had to; there was no way I had a kid. Was there?
I turned to her. “I have a daughter?” I asked to clarify that my ears were not deceiving me. That someone wasn’t going to jump out and yell ‘you’re punked’ because it would be one hell of a prank, that was for damn sure. But that didn’t happen. No clowns with banners saying ‘gotcha’ or whatever the fuck.
“Yes. She’s the love of my life.” I could feel those words down to the marrow in my bones. She meant each and every word.
My feet moved on their own accord, and I found myself pacing in front of the picnic table, head down and mind reeling from this news. My mind needed time to process. I needed a cigarette, a shot of something strong. Hell even a bag to punch. Something to let out whatever this was swirling inside of me.
A child. We’d created a baby. Shocked and stunned, it took me a few beats before I could gather my thoughts, and even then, I wasn’t sure if anything I said would make sense.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” Why this question was so pertinent, I didn’t have time to evaluate, but it was the first one that popped in my head. I fought back the bitter feeling inside of me that I could have spent my entire life without ever knowing I had a precious little one. This wasn’t about what could have been but rather the here and now.
“No,” she said with brutal honesty as I stood in front of her, my hand in the pockets of my jeans. “I had no way of getting ahold of you and didn’t even know your last name, Micah, until Ryker told me. I didn’t know where you were from, where you were stationed, where you were training. Nothing. I was blind when it came to you.”
This was understandable. We didn’t exchange much information during our time together. Now looking back, I regretted not telling her at least my name. She could’ve found me. What the hell was I thinking? Not that she’d get pregnant, but fuck me she could’ve found me if I would’ve spoken up. “How old is she?”
“Two, almost two and a half.”
My heart began pounding just a bit faster. Two was still little. Not a baby, but not very big either. “I have a two-year-old little girl?” Damn, I felt like a bumbling idiot trying to process all of this.
“Yeah.” Her voice was quiet, and I looked at her. Fear, bright and bold, shone from her eyes, and I hated that she felt that from me.
The pieces started to fall in place of this crazy ass puzzle my life had become in the last few minutes. “And that’s why you ran from me? Because of her?”
She nodded.
“Fuck.” This shit was getting thicker and thicker. Soon it would be quicksand and suck us both down. “Does she know anything about me?”
Her throat moved like she swallowed hard, giving me the answer without the words. She gave them anyway. “No. I’ve never told her. She doesn’t know that Tug and Blaze are her grandparents either. I just found both of these things out myself. I had no pictures of you to show Remy. We just never talked about dads, and she’s still young enough to not ask questions.”
Fuck. My mom and dad were going to flip. And why the hell did it hurt like a knife to the heart that my kid didn’t even know I existed? I wanted to know my child. And more importantly, I wanted her to know me.
The next question came out a bit choked as I tried to push down the emotions as I thought of my parents and how they’d take this news. “Do they know Remy?”
Ensley nodded as she replied, “Yeah, Remy’s known them since she was born. They’ve watched Remy a few times when Katie and I both worked at the same time and needed someone to watch her. They stepped in, no questions asked, and Remy loves them.”
While part of me felt really good about my parents being part of her life, the other part was angry they missed treating her like their grandbaby.
“Shit. They’ve watched their grandkid and didn’t even know it.” I couldn’t believe any of this was happening. I’d prided myself on keeping my cool, but fuck me it was hard. “Ryker knows all about it?”
“Yeah.”
I ran my hands over my scalp, stopping at the back of my neck and looking up at the tree swaying in the soft breeze. “Shit. That means he told the brothers and my father.” They all knew by now, and it would be up to me to get to my mother first. If she heard from anyone but me, she’d be hurt, and fuck if I hadn’t done enough to cause her pain over the years. I didn’t want any more on my conscience.
Ensley’s back straightened. It was like this instant snap. One moment she was soft, and the next moment she was hard as nails. “You don’t have to have anything to do with her, Micah. Remy is mine. All mine, and I’ll take care of her.”
What she said made that thing in my gut tighten, and I moved to stand tall in front of her, so she had to look up at me. She read me wrong. “No. That’s not what I meant at all. What I should’ve said was that my father knew before I could tell him. It’s just something I would’ve liked to talk to him and my mother about. And I know if he knows, he’s told my mom. It’s not you or Remy. I would like to be the one to tell them, and that opportunity may be completely dashed. Me, I want to meet her. Get to know her.”
“She’s mine,” she said defensively, like a lion protecting her cub. That I could appreciate, but I’d never take Remy from her mother.
“I know she is, and I’d never
take her away from you, Ensley. But I would like to meet her and be a part of her life. I want to add to it, not take anything away.”
“You do?” she asked, surprised eyes glassing over with unshed tears.
I reached out and embraced her hands, holding them to my chest. This caused her to lean into me just a bit. “Yes. Absolutely. I may not have known about her until a few minutes ago, but she’s mine too. And I already love her.”
Maybe I should’ve demanded to know the child was mine and get a DNA test, but there was something about Ensley’s honesty that I couldn’t ignore. Not to mention, why in the fuck would she spring this on me now if she never intended on telling me in the first place? She could’ve just lied, saying that Remy was from a previous relationship.
Like it or not, I was officially a father to a two-year-old girl, and I had no clue how to be one. Yes, my dad was a good dad. We butted heads a lot, but he was a good man. Hopefully, I’d learned something from him on this? Or maybe there were classes or YouTube videos. Something. Anything at this point.
“It has to be slow. I’ve never talked about you to her. She’ll have no idea what’s going on. So we start with you meeting up with us as my friend. We do not tell her that you’re her father until I’m ready. Do you understand?”
Demanding thing and so damn fierce. I loved that. Her protective streak for her girl was unprecedented. It was another reason I knew Remy was mine. This woman in front of me would die before hurting that little girl. She wouldn’t bring me into the fold if she thought I’d cause Remy harm.
Our girl. While part of me wanted to jump with both feet in, I knew that if I didn’t go at her pace, there was a real chance she’d cut and run. Ensley couldn’t run. She had Remy, and I didn’t want either of them going anywhere.
“We’ll go slow. I’m not here to fuck up your life, Ensley.” It felt weird calling her that, but I needed to get used to it so I didn’t slip up. “Just want to know my daughter.”
I could tell this was hard on her. It was written all over her face.
“Right. Your parents, Micah. I’ve known them for a while now, and they know Remy well. But I want to wait to tell her that they are her grandparents until she gets to know you better. She’s young, but that doesn’t mean that she won’t be confused as hell with all of this.”
My hands squeezed hers that were still on my chest. She’d made no attempts to move them, and I made no attempts to push them away. “I’ll talk to them, but let me tell ya, once my mom finds out she has a grandbaby, it’ll be hard as fuck to keep her away. I’ll do my damnedest, but know that they will want to hang out with her more and spoil her rotten, even if they can’t tell her yet that they are Grandma and Grandpa.”
That was the honest as hell truth. My mom loved me with everything inside of her. Knew it, and she never let me forget it. Remy would be the same way with her, maybe even more since my mom would love having a baby girl.
“This is going to be an adjustment for all of us. I get it. I just don’t want to freak Remy out. This’ll be a lot. Hell, it’s a lot for me,” Ensley said with a small smile tilting the right side of her lip.
You and me both. Fuck, I was a father.
17
Ensley
My heart thumped in my chest so fast it threatened to jump out and take off on a marathon. Micah was being really cool with all of this, but I knew all too well how things changed on a dime, spiraling out of control. I couldn’t let that happen to Remy. She was innocent in all of this.
I’d spent all night coming up with a game plan of what would be best for Remy. Just tossing her into ‘here’s your daddy’ wasn’t an option.
Slow and steady. That was how we had to approach this. I was terrified enough. It would be the best for both of us. Deep in my gut I knew he’d want to be a part of Remy’s life, having spent so much time planning, but not as much in the telling him he was a dad portion.
“I know there’s a lot to go over, and we need to get to know one another.” Micah squeezed my hands, then let them go as he came to sit next to me on the table. “But believe me, we will.”
He sounded so confident and assured. Like he knew who he was as a person in the world. As if he snapped his fingers and whatever he wanted would be. He was so different than the men back home. Hell, he was in another realm compared to them.
It had been a long time since we’d been together, but no way would I ever forget it. It may have been once, but it helped me get through some rough times. When I put my focus on the baby growing inside my belly, I’d think of his brown eyes and hope that Remy would get them, and she did.
“So you’re really Ryker’s cousin, huh?” he asked, and I could feel my lips tip. I liked that he was letting this part lay for a bit, giving us both a breather. He seemed to know what to do at the right moment.
“Yeah. Can you believe it?”
“Nope,” he said on a chuckle, leaning into me and bumping my shoulder in a playful touch. It was nice having him close. Safe. Comfortable. Free.
“Yeah. Ryker’s dad and mine are brothers. After my dad found out about Remy, he was beyond pissed. So angry he scared me silly. When he told me what he had planned for my little girl, I had to get out. There was no other choice. Luckily, Ryker took the three of us in and set us up.”
“The three of you?”
Never did I think I’d be sitting here in this beautiful spot talking to the man I’d spent the night with all those years ago about my past. I didn’t talk about it, rather wanting to forget it even happened. But here I was, pouring it all out. “My older sister Katie came with us. She’s my rock and best friend. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. She helps me with Remy and watches her when I work. It’s worked out well, which I’m completely grateful for. Even though at the time Remy was in my stomach, she was the main reason for every choice and decision I’ve made since finding out about her.” Protecting my baby was my number one priority.
He switched up the subject by asking, “Where do you work?”
It felt as though this was our first date or something, but I had to remind myself this wasn’t some matchmaking perfect man finding thing. He wanted to know about me so he could know his kid. I got that and needed to keep reminding myself apparently. This wasn’t a damn date. It was reality. My new reality. No matter how handsome the man was, my mind needed to stay focused on the end game.
“At Carrigan hospital. I’m an intake clerk.” The knot in my chest started to loosen just a touch. It was nice of him to get rid of the heavy for a while. Again, it was like he knew I needed a small break and gave it to me without a word.
“Around all the sick people, huh?”
I chuckled. “You have no idea. You haven’t lived until a drunk guy comes in and pukes all over your desk and computer, including the keyboard. That was exciting to clean out. Fun times, I tell ya.” That was not a fun memory by any means. It made my stomach queasy just thinking of it.
Elbows to his knees, he looked out at the water and asked, “Do you like it?”
“Yeah. It’s good for me. It keeps me busy, and the time goes by fast. It’s a job, pay’s decent, and there is great insurance for Remy and me. A major plus. The hours aren’t that great, but they allow me to do three twelve-hour shifts like the nurses do a week. So even though the shift is long, it goes by quickly. And another bonus is I get to spend more time with Remy. Somehow it all worked out well.”
I did love my job for those reasons. Of course, getting the three twelves wasn’t easy. I had to go to the board and state my case. Ryker showed up for each one of those meetings, and something told me he had just a bit to do with getting it passed. I never asked him, though. If he wanted to tell me, he would. It was best for me to be in the dark.
“Speaking of that, I have money that is yours and Remy’s. Whatever you need, I’ve got it.”
I felt my back go ram rod straight, my nose flared out, and fire threatened to come from my lips. Money. Seriously? Did he think I
wanted a sugar daddy? “I didn’t tell you about Remy to get money out of you.” My bark was as big as my bite, at least on this issue. I’d worked hard to put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. We weren’t rolling in it, but we were doing just fine. Living paycheck to paycheck was how most people lived.
There was a lot of pride in building this life, coming from nothing but a black garbage bag over my shoulder. He couldn’t darken that. I wouldn’t let him.
He reached over and touched my knee softly, letting it rest there. Instantly, with his touch, I was able to breathe for a moment; the fire was still there, but it knocked back a few notches. “Know that. I respect that so damn much, Ensley. Just want you to know I’m paying my share of Remy’s expenses, whatever those may be. That includes where you live, insurance, diapers or whatever a little girl needs. What I have can give you a savings now for what you’ve covered all this time.”
This was too much. Remy and I were doing just fine. My head shook, but he kept talking, already knowing what I was going to say.
“Please. Let me do this. I’ve already missed her being a baby and growing for two years; please let me do this. Let me make up for the time I wasn’t here. It’s not much, but it’s the only thing I can do to make up for that time. And even this doesn’t feel like enough.”
A sigh escaped me as my heart hurt for the man. I could tell by his tone that he was completely genuine, and it made me feel bad that he missed those parts of Remy. He missed the late-night feeds and the colic. He missed the first smiles and when she grabbed on to my finger. He even missed seeing her in my stomach moving around. That would’ve creeped him the hell out. It looked like there was a little alien in there.
“You do whatever you feel you need to do.” He also missed her first steps, first tooth, first bottle, first night in her crib, first everything. It made me sad that he did, but there was no way to turn back time and fix it. Time was all we had in the end, and it seemed to go fast no matter how much you wanted to stop it. If this was his way of coping with that loss, who was I to stop him? Not that I’d spend the money. It would go in a savings account, for now, but I wanted to respect his wishes on this.