Dr Dawson

by Brittany Dreams

  Ben would have known there would be some element of defiance involved and some element of choosing and he would just do it.

  He would just do it the way he would do anything for Amanda. The difference, however, was Ben wouldn’t have gotten himself in the situation I’d had with my father in the first place.

  That was what made things so bad. I wanted Paige and I wanted my career.

  Dad was the obstacle.

  I’d always seen myself at St. Michaels, and when I looked to the future I saw myself with Paige. But, every time I was with her that nagging sensation told me there’d be a time when I’d have to choose. It was with me last weekend when we went to Palm Springs, and practically screaming at me right through the week as we hid that we were a couple from everyone. What was worse was Paige was starting to get that look in her eyes. The look of concern. The look that showed this whole saga had gone on longer than it should have. Any longer and I really would have to choose.

  Choose…

  I was hoping I wouldn’t have to.

  I didn’t want it to get to a stage where either she made me choose or Dad did.

  Things had gone very well this year. So well that I knew I’d impressed Dad. Him and a lot of other people from the board.

  I was hoping that would go in my favor in a few weeks when I’d have to see him about my supervision. It would supposedly be over because Dad could decide to pull something else from his hat on me. Either way I planned to speak to him about Paige then. As to what I would say…that was the part I was working on still. I would do it though.

  I returned my attention to Ben and nodded my agreement .

  He smiled wider. “I’m just completely in love with her.”

  It was nice to hear him speak like that. It felt like one of those moments in life you took note of. Epic moments and moments of wisdom when you saw your friend grow up.

  “I’m proud of you man. I am.”

  “I’m going to ask her to marry me Ryan. She’s happy about the baby, and I think she’s been feeling a little offbeat because all her friends are married. We’ve been together for so long and are kind of the same as we were when we first got together. She lives in her place and I have mine. I’m going to change that.”

  “That sounds amazing man. I’m so happy for you.” I nodded with a bright smile.

  “Me too, I just have to get past the “my head might explode” feeling, then I’m good,” he laughed. “Hey, I want you at my wedding with your girl. I’m inviting everyone including your parents so your better sort out whatever shit you have going on by then.”

  That sounded more like him. Cut to the chase, no bullshit guy.

  “I’m working on it,” I promised.

  “Good, now lets get pizza.”

  I’d almost forgotten it was pizza night.

  “Yeah sure. I think we should drink to celebrate too.”

  “Here, here. I see changes in our future Ryan and I’m liking it.” The joy was practically beaming from him.

  I wished I could share the same happiness, but the nagging feeling popped up in my mind telling me to sort my shit out.

  The next day it came back when I saw Dr. Marcus talking to Paige at the nurses’ station of the cardiology unit. I was on my way to see a patient. I’d stopped by the cupboard to get some new blood charts. They didn’t see me yet but I saw them and I knew Marcus was doing his best to get on her good side. He’d asked her out once and she said she was seeing someone. It didn’t stop him from his pursuit. I’d heard him talk once in the locker room telling all the guys that as long as he didn’t see a ring on a woman’s finger it meant he had a chance.

  I probably would have had the same mantra awhile back. it just infuriated the hell out of me because I knew he was talking about my girl. He all but rejoiced when he got partnered up with her a few weeks ago as part of Dr. Gardiner’s surgical team for a patient who was going to have heart valve surgery next week.

  The man wanted my girl and it wasn’t just him either.

  There were at least four guys that I knew of. Probably better than me and more suited for her because they could have—and I knew for a fact they would have—shown her off to every living person on the planet.

  She seemed to want me though. The pull of that attraction that drew us together was so strong I could almost see it. It was like a web of invisible fingers reaching out from me to her. It never took long before we knew the other was nearby.

  It was there now as she glanced over her shoulder and her eyes landed directly on me. It must have been the heat of my gaze that triggered it. I looked at her and she held my gaze from across the room. Looking at her the way I was, was a risk that we shouldn’t have to take. I was sure anyone watching us could tell we were together.

  Marcus said something to her and she returned her attention back to him. They walked away from the nurses’ station but she did that habitual glance behind her shoulder at me.

  It still had the same effect on me. Exactly the same as when she first did it nearly a year ago.

  “How touching,” came a voice I hadn’t heard in a long time. A voice I didn’t want to hear now. It was Alana.

  I turned to see her standing just ahead of me. She walked closer with the crude, sassy expression on her face, hair curling about her elbows. I hadn’t seen her in months. I heard she got called over to the Pittsburgh site and I was happy to hear it. Glad for the trouble I didn’t have to worry about, because every time I saw her she was always working hard to get me back in her bed.

  Looked like she was back, and clearly saw me looking at Paige.

  “What’s touching?” I asked.

  “I think you know what I mean. Ryan Dawson, you devil. Looks like I was right all along. Seeing the little princess, aren’t you?” she cooed.

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Act dumb all you want. You forget I know you, I know you well and know when you’re hiding something. You used to look at me like that. I’d look back at you and know later when we got together it would be hotter than hell. Secret messages only the eyes can tell.” She brushed her finger over my chest.

  I stepped back, away from her, annoyed that she’d called me out. “You better watch what you say. Can’t go around making assumptions you don’t know shit about.”

  “Sure, well I’m back on the scene now. Your father was so nice in offering me a permanent role here. No more backwards and forwards between sites. It’s a good life. There’s also the added bonus of watching this thing play out between you and the princess. Just a word of caution Ryan. She really isn’t your type. You don’t like them so nice. It’ll get boring after a while. Best to nip it in the bud now.”

  “There’s nothing to fix, and there’s nothing to see,” I countered.

  “So you’re saying you aren’t seeing her?”

  Here it was…the test. What should I say?

  If I said no it would be disrespectful to Paige. If I said yes it would break our secret. Alana would broadcast it around the hospital within seconds. By the end of the day everyone in the state would know.

  So…I did the only thing I thought I should do and just didn’t answer.

  The look on her face showed she knew the answer, and since she knew me she understood the only reason I’d wouldn’t confirm something like that was if I couldn’t.

  Alana was trouble and used to getting what she wanted. When she couldn’t have things her way she’d create havoc.

  “Wow, you won’t tell me one way or the other.” She smiled. “Okay, I like this game. I’ll play. Good to work up an appetite. It makes sex so much better.”

  “Alana, we’re done and we’re done here. I have nothing more to say to you.”

  She didn’t like that answer one bit but she gave me a teasing smile. “Like I said Ryan, I’ll play.”

  Play…yes, to her this would be a game.

  I walked away from her and I just hoped like hell her
little games wouldn’t be anything I couldn’t handle.

  Chapter 19

  Paige

  “What will the room be like?” Mrs. Appleby asked.

  “Similar to the other operating rooms,” I answered and lowered to sit in the chair next to her. She was sitting by the window. When I first got in here she looked like she’d been crying. “A little bigger though. I think you’ll like it.”

  She didn’t answer. She returned her gaze out the window to some kids playing in the patient garden. They were visiting one of the patients from one of the other units.

  A tear ran down Mrs. Appleby’s cheek and she quickly wiped it away. “I don’t want to do the surgery. It feels like a waste of time. Another surgery, more hope only to be let down. I’m not getting any better.”

  “You can’t think like that.”

  “I’m not though. Nothing’s working and this feels like it might not either. I don’t want to do it, but…I’ll do it for my husband and my kids.” She looked back to me and gave me a kind smile. “I’m sorry. I must be the difficult one. Everyone dreads me. I must bore you.”

  I shook my head. “Not at all.”

  It was the first time I’d seen her look so nervous. The first time we met was when she’d started her arrhythmia treatment. That first week I was here was her first surgery. She’d had her rabbit’s foot and lucky nose ring and I talked her into going into the surgery without them. Since then, she’s grown to trust me.

  Sadly, her condition had gotten more serious. She was going in for maze surgery today to create a special pathway for her heart’s electrical signals. It came after her pacemaker was no longer useful to her.

  I recognized anxiety when I saw it now. I knew for her it started with the shaking of her hands. Then she’d have all these irrational fears and start clinging on to whatever she could for luck. The rabbit’s foot, the nose ring, her lucky jumper, the bag her aunt gave her when she was sixteen…anything.

  “Thank you for being so nice to me.” She nodded. “I know it’s your job to take care of people but you don’t actually have to care. I see that you care.”

  “I’m glad you do, because I do care.”

  “And you don’t think I’m crazy. I used to have bad anxiety when I was younger. No wonder my heart’s bad. It was awful,” she explained. “It started when I was little. I got lost camping in the woods and I wasn’t found for two days. I was ten. I don’t know what happened. First I was with my girl guide leader and then I just lost my way. I feel like I’ve been lost ever since.”

  We weren’t really supposed to talk about personal issues with patients so I would never tell her about my own battles, but I could still share on some level.

  “I understand what that feels like. It can be a testing thing, but the fact that you keep going is what counts.” That was it, all I would say. It seemed to help because a little smile tipped the corners of her mouth. “You’re in good hands and your doctors just felt this would be better for you. It should prevent your condition from getting worse and you’ll be able to enjoy life more with your family.”

  “Thanks, I’ll try to remember all that. I guess it will give me something to hold on to. It’s just hard after so long. Will you be coming in the O.R. with me again?”

  “If you want me to be there, I will be there.” I was sure I’d be able to make that happen. I did last time she had surgery and it worked out well to have me there.

  “I would like to have you there.”

  I stood up. “I’ll sort that out then. Anything else you need?”

  “I want a double cheese whopper with extra, extra large fries.” She chuckled.

  I laughed. She was nil by mouth for the rest of the day. “I’ll arrange that for after the surgery,” I promised.

  “Thanks.” She seemed a little cheered up.

  I left her and went to the nurses’ station to check her notes were in order.

  As I was doing that I saw that nurse I’d seen Ryan with months ago, months before we got together. She was with him on the balcony.

  I hadn’t seen her since then.

  She spotted me and gave me a smile. It was what I called a Cheshire cat smile. Not good and not bad, just devious.

  I knew she was one of the women Ryan had been with. It was kind of obvious from the way they’d looked when I saw them together. I never asked him about her, and never said anything more than what I had that day with my little rant in the lab.

  She made her way over to me and stopped by the counter.

  “Hi.” She beamed, looking at me as if she knew who I was.

  “Hi.” I glanced down quickly at her name badge. It said Alana Vasquez.

  “I’ve seen you around.” Something dark flashed in her eyes. “You’re um…with Ryan.”

  “What do you mean with him?”

  She snickered. “Oh please, you know what I mean. What’s with you two? Keeping secrets?” She narrowed her eyes at me.

  “I’m sorry, what?” If I’d been Kelly I would have told her to fuck off out of my business but since I was me, I thought I’d tread softly.

  “Forgive me, I’m not always so blunt. Maybe it’s jealousy. A case of the woman scorned, even. It’s a hard thing to watch a woman with a guy who used to be yours. I can tell he’s seeing you. It’s not that hard so please don’t try to fool me.” She pursed her lips together.

  A shiver ran down my spine. Ryan and I had been together for months and no one knew anything. She’d come from out of nowhere and was trying to call me out on a big secret that could cost Ryan his job.

  “I’m not trying to fool you.” I wasn’t trying to do anything. The best thing to do in situations like this was just listen, hear the opposition out, and work out what to do and say from there.

  “Whatever. I’m not stupid and I’m pretty sure others will figure it out sooner or later. I just wanted to offer up some advice. You seem like a nice person. I wouldn’t like to see you heartbroken when he dumps you.” She chuckled like that was funny. “You’re a thing to him. A thing that he’ll have fun with and play with and toss to the side when he’s done with you. He might pick you up again when he’s bored. That was the essence of my relationship with Ryan Dawson. But it was water on a duck’s back to me because the sex was good and I couldn’t say no. I think I’m a little different than you. That all worked fine for me and at least people knew I was with him when I was with him. Not so for you though, right? Are you a dirty little secret?”

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t answer for two reasons. The first was that her words cut me deep and the second was she’d just brought all my worries to the forefront of my mind.

  “No answer? He didn’t answer me either when I asked him if he was seeing anybody. Maybe that means he’s free.” She laughed and sauntered away. The bitch knew she had me exactly where she wanted.

  Woman scorned, my ass.

  No woman scorned would behave that way. She wanted him back and it was such a shame I couldn’t have been a bitch too and put her in her place.

  How could I though? I was a secret. This was my idea blown up in my face.

  It pushed me right into that state of instability that stayed with me all day. I was seeing Ryan at his place for dinner later, which meant staying the night.

  When I got there and saw him I tried to act like I was fine but I knew he could tell something was wrong with me. He tried asking me while we ate but I told him I was okay.

  By the time we’d finished eating, it hit me again. I found myself staring at the plates on the table wondering how long we could keep this up. And worse, what if all of this was for nothing? What if he didn’t feel the same way I did?

  I wouldn’t kid myself, I knew I’d fallen for him. I wasn’t sure when it happened or what he did specifically. Maybe it was the whole time. Like from the first time I saw him.

  I knew from experience not to speak of such things, and not to go around assuming you were on the same page
. Sometimes you weren’t.

  “Paige.” Ryan said my name with more insistence than he’d said it before.

  “Yes?” I attempted a smile.

  “What’s wrong baby?” He looked worried.

  “Nothing, I’m good. Um…I was thinking I’d go back to my place tonight. I have some stuff I have to do, for the memorial.” The truth was when I got like this it was best for me to be alone. Lizzie’s memorial was actually a few months away. My parents planned a big family get-together and had to start making preparations now for it.

  Ryan looked like he didn’t believe me. “Paige, come on. I know when you aren’t yourself. Tell me what’s up.” His eyes clung to mine.

  Okay…I’d try to do this without sounding like I was complaining. Keeping our relationship a secret was my idea and I was antsy before I spoke to Alana this morning. She, of course, just fanned the flames.

  “I’m a little worried…it’s nothing. It’s just sometimes I worry about us.”

  “I know, I…worry too.”

  “How? I mean what about? Specifically.”

  “I don’t want to see you in secret Paige, and you don’t want this either. It was an idea but it’s been too long.”

  At least he was still saying the same things. We’d gotten so used to sneaking around that it became automatic and habitual. Normal. It was just the way it was now. We didn’t even talk about what we were going to do.

  “What are we doing Ryan? I don’t think it’s fair to force you to do something that could cost you, but I just want to know. I spoke to one of your friends today…” I actually wasn’t going to mention her but I thought I should tell him that I thought she knew we were together. I also thought I’d be able to gauge his response.

  He leaned forward and rested his hands on the dinner table. “One of my friends?” He lowered his brows.

  “One of your lady friends. I think she knows something.”

  “What’s her name?” He tensed.

  “Alana.”

  His expression switched from curious to furious in seconds. “Paige, you can’t believe anything she says. She likes creating trouble and tries to stir the shit every chance she gets.”