While resting quietly, a twelve-point buck appeared in a small clearing. One front hoof raised, it stared at them. Neither the buck nor Niko or El moved, and the buck finally wandered off.
And so they reached the very summit of the mountain. Although neither of them had ever been to a mountain, much less to the very top of one, there was no question they had arrived, for the view was all around and everywhere. They could see where they’d left Infinius and, to the north of it, an arid plain; to the east, the sea which, from way up there, looked like a thin blue, far-off line. Below, to the south, was a forest canopy. From where they stood it looked dense and impenetrable. And there, to the west, there it was, as they had seen it once before, each of them separately and now together, able to confirm that their eyes hadn’t deceived them.
Old Merrie’s tale had been true.
The Glimmer.
It did exist. Closer now and more vibrant, beckoning them onward. They looked and looked, unable or unwilling to give up the sight of that place where anything might be possible.
“We’d better go,” Niko finally said.
“How long do you think it will take to reach it?”
“That?” He pointed to the Glimmer, and El nodded.
“I’m still not sure if it exists or what it is. It can’t be Zamora because it just looks like light and color.”
“Maybe that’s what Zamora is,” said El.
“No. It can’t be only that. There must be people and buildings and . . .”
“And what?” El asked. “What do you think Zamora will be like?”
“Different,” said Niko. “Not like Infinius. Not like anything we know.”
They started down the mountain. It didn’t take nearly as long as the ascent had so many days ago. They made some hairpin turns and scrambled over rocks and fallen trees. Soon it wasn’t so steep anymore. Breathing was easier, and they came to a shady glen where the land flattened out with rolling hills and smaller vegetation. They kept walking west toward the Glimmer, which they couldn’t see anymore, and the air had a sweet, wet scent.
They came to a large lake and walked around the edge of it on sand and pebbles until they came to a trail and followed it with the morning sun behind them until it was overhead. They stopped to eat and drink water. They did not talk. There was nothing to say now. They had only a desire to arrive. But where, they weren’t sure. Not yet.
They walked until the sun was low in the sky. As it disappeared, a momentary red blaze was followed by pink and orange and lavender washing across the sky like chiffon veils.
El said, “We’ll need to sleep somewhere. We can’t walk at night.”
In a little while, before them, spread out like a blooming sea, wildflowers waved in the evening breeze: something neither of them had ever seen before. Nor had they felt such a soft breeze caress their bodies. There was a sweet, fresh scent in the air as they wandered slowly into this endless field that now surrounded them.
Niko stopped. He brushed the tops of flowers near his fingers. He leaned down to breathe in their perfume.
“I never imagined there could be anything this beautiful. How is it possible that the city became so ugly, so stale?” He shook his head. “Are there other places like this in the world?”
“Look.” El pointed to a slight rise with willow trees growing at its edges, their feathery branches grazing the ground like tresses. “Let’s stay under those trees.”
When they reached the rise, they saw, at one edge of it, a spring burbling to the surface from somewhere deep underground. Near it a rabbit nibbled at fresh green shoots. As they approached, it looked up, its nose twitching, its ears at attention, then went back to nibbling at the shoots. It sensed no danger in El and Niko.
They took the far side of the rise so as not to disturb the rabbit and, pushing aside the willow branches, found a small glen in the center surrounded by the weeping trees. Niko took out his hunting knife and cut some soft willow branches, laying them in a crisscross for bedding. El gathered wildflowers in her arms and spread them over the branches for cushioning, and soon they had made a place to bed down for the fast-approaching night.
They unwrapped their fish and berries, ate mushrooms, and drank all their water. Niko watched the rabbit hop away before he went to the spring to refill their canteens in the cool, fresh water.
There was a field of flowers where El could squat down and pee. When she came back, she, too, went to the spring with a towel and washed herself in the cold water bubbling up from somewhere deep in the earth. When she was finished, Niko did the same, and by the time he returned, El was lying on the bedding they’d made, staring up at the sky through slots in the willow leaves. Stars began to emerge, and slowly the day gave way to a dusting of stars scattered across a darkening sky.
As they lay on their backs next to each other in silence, the night noises began all around them. They heard a musical din of tree frogs calling in high-pitched chirps, and crickets chirping a singsong. Then frogs, drawn to the water flowing from the spring, began low barumphs to each other. Bats, emerging from somewhere, whirled and dove in silence. What had seemed like a placid landscape pulsed with life.
El knew she should have been tired. Indeed, her legs wanted rest. But her mind could not calm itself. She watched the endless array of stars in the night, ever more of them emerging, and exclaimed when she saw a shooting star.
“Did you see that?”
“No, what?” Niko asked.
“A shooting star. It’s a good omen.”
“Do you think so?”
“Of course.”
“Then you’re happy being here? You think we did the right thing escaping?”
She was quiet for a few moments, waiting for another meteor to flash across the sky.
“I think we had no choice.”
“And I think I should have stayed to fight them.”
“Does that mean you’re sorry to be here?”
“No,” he said, and was quiet before speaking again more softly. “I’m happy to be here with you.”
El turned her head to look at him. He was looking at her already, waiting for what she would say. But she didn’t say anything.
“Why did you take care of me, El? When my ankle was bad and I couldn’t walk? You could have left me any time and gone on. You know how to take care of yourself. Better than I do out here. In the city, I knew how to get along. But this . . .” He waved one arm at the trees and sky. “I’m lost out here. I probably would’ve starved without you. Why did you do it?”
“I don’t know. I never thought about leaving you behind. I don’t know what’s out there, either. It’s like Old Merrie said: We’re tied at the hip now.”
“What about later? When we get there? Will we still be tied like this?”
“I don’t know what will happen.”
“Would you want to be? I mean, when we get there. Together . . . would you want to be together then?”
El turned away to look up at the sky.
“We’re so small, aren’t we? I wonder if we matter at all. If everything that happens matters or if we’re just a dot in a blur of time. We think we’re so important, and we’re really not. Nothing that happens to us is permanent. We’re like these willows, waving in the breeze.”
Niko was very still. It seemed as if he’d fallen asleep until he asked, very softly, “Have you forgiven me?”
El’s eyes had gotten used to the dark by then, and she could see where there would be a scar on his cheek after it healed. She reached out and touched it with the tip of her finger.
“We hurt each other. I’m sorry for that. I don’t think we meant to. I think we were cornered and treated like things, not like humans, not like living creatures, but like something you use to get what you want. I don’t know if I’ve forgiven you. What happened will always be with me. Like the scar will always be with you. But it doesn’t have to be who I am or who I can become.”
Niko was quiet again, thinking about what s
he had said.
“I wish I could take it back,” he told her. “But I can’t. I can’t even forget it happened. I wish I could.”
“I’m not afraid of you, Niko,” El said. “I try not to blame you for what happened but it’s not possible. I was shocked and very fearful, and then very angry. It was like someone had taken over for me and was living a nightmare inside me. All that hate and anger was like a sickness. But after I went back to the convent and took some time for myself, I remembered who I had been before. That helped me some. But I realize now I’m not the same. Something was stolen from me. Or maybe stolen is not the right word. I also remembered who you had been before. And that person wasn’t the same one from the night of The Race. It was hard for me to separate those two people. The Niko I knew before, who was so sweet to me, and that other Niko. I think it must be hard for you to separate them too. But I think we have to forgive ourselves before we can forgive others.”
She thought about taking his hand in hers but held back.
“I hope you can forgive yourself,” she told him.
“I don’t know what to say anymore,” Niko said. “Am I sorry? Yes. Do I regret choosing you instead of one of those approved girls? I regret how it made you feel. I regret what has happened and how close I came to attacking you. I regret all the trouble I caused you. But I don’t regret escaping from Infinius. And I hope that something better waits for us somewhere. You think that will be Zamora. I hope you’re right. Perhaps, if you are right, then you’ll be glad we escaped, too. Maybe you won’t want to stay with me or even know me when we get there. I regret that. I can’t imagine not wanting to be with you. I won’t miss anything from my old life.”
He paused for a moment and then added, “But at least there I knew where I stood and what to expect. Here I’m no one with nothing. I’m just a floating island. And you’re the only thing that keeps me from disappearing into nothing. I don’t know if I can forgive myself. But if you can forgive me, that’s a place for me to start because this sense of floating in a sea of nothing, with nothing to fight against, nothing to scrounge for, nothing to fear, it’s an alien existence. Not mine. Not anyone’s.”
They were quiet for a time until suddenly Niko said, “I’ve never kissed a girl.”
When El didn’t answer he said, “I always wondered what it would feel like. Just to kiss a girl.”
“Do you want to kiss me?” El whispered.
“Would you mind?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never kissed a boy.”
“Then it would be the first time for both of us.”
“What do you think it will be like?” she asked.
“A kiss?”
She shook her head.
“Zamora. I keep thinking about it. Haven’t you wondered what it will be like?”
“I haven’t let myself. Back there . . . back at Infinius . . . I knew who I was. I knew how my day would start and probably how it would end. I had confidence in myself back there. Now . . .”
“Now?”
“I don’t know anything anymore. I only know that you’re the only completely good thing that ever happened to me. And I ruined it.”
Niko closed his eyes, but shutting out the sight of the night sky through the willow leaves couldn’t close off his thoughts or the pain that engulfed him. Yes, they would get to Zamora, safe and alive, but what then? What was there for him in Zamora? El wouldn’t need him there. He would be alone with no reason to be anywhere. It was terrible, this feeling of loneliness, terrible to feel completely detached.
And then, as the night air turned cooler and the breeze died away, and the branches of the willows stopped swaying and the night chorus became like a steady heartbeat, he felt El’s lips on his and her fingers touching his face and her body so close that her warmth radiated over him.
Back in the city, the name Niko became a kind of myth. A myth that Villinkash couldn’t extinguish. The myth grew, along with images of El. Her face was reproduced on walls and street corners, taped on paper over InCom screens, dropped from windows and raised in triumph like a battle flag. No matter how the Regime might try to stamp it out, the myth grew, and one day, one day soon, Niko and El would reappear.
The people believed in it, prayed over it, lived for that day.
Discussion Topics for Book Clubs
1. Was Niko justified in what he did to escape Child Holding Center Number Five?
2. If you were in Niko’s situation, would you want to move to The Ring, knowing you might be selected for The Race?
3. How does the political system of Infinius dictate the ways people find to survive?
4. What happens when the political powers shut off free press and free speech?
5. Is Huston a “good” guy or a “bad” guy?
6. Why does Saskia still love Huston? Why was she drawn to him in the beginning?
7. How should El have dealt with Niko after he attacked her?
8. Is Father Ignatius still a religious leader?
9. Does El love Niko?
10. What do you think El and Niko will find in Zamora?
Acknowledgments
Thank you to all the wonderful support system at She Writes Press and SparkPress: Brooke, Shannon, Lauren, Julie, and everyone who had a hand in helping see this book over the finish line.
As well to all the writers at workshops who added helpful comments and critiques, my appreciation goes out to you: Erica, Ruth, Rebecca, Jessica, Tom, Mark, Paul, Paula, Rimas, Amy, Whitney, Ellen, Shannon, Lisa, Maria . . . we had such fun, didn’t we? And Denny’s incredible lunches, can we ever thank her enough?
To the writer-teachers Bob Bausch, Tom Zoellner, Dick Bausch, Joyce Maynard, Sue Levine, Lary Bloom, Wally Lamb, Fred Lebron, I say thank you for your own works and for sharing the process, and especially Jen Haupt, dear friend and wonderful reader.
I’ve been fortunate over the years to meet and mingle with many writers. I treasure those memories and value the experiences of reading their works and sharing in their growth.
About the Author
photo credit: Trish Scelfo
L B Gschwandtner’s short stories have been awarded prizes from two Writer’s Digest writing competitions, The Lorian Hemingway Short Story Competition, and one of her stories was short-listed by the Tom Howard Short Story Contest. Her work has appeared in various journals including Del Sol Review. Her prose poem “In The Forest of My Dream” has been included in the anthology Oil and Water.
Her novel The Other New Girl was a USA Best Book Awards winner and received an honorable mention from Reader Views Literary Awards.
She lives in a house on stilts overlooking a tidal creek in Virginia where she sees bald eagles soar past her windows and perch in the trees.
Books by LB Gschwandtner:
The Other New Girl
The Naked Gardener
Shelly’s Second Chance
Carla’s Secret
Page Truly and The Journey to Nearandfar
Foxy’s Tale
Maybelle’s Revenge
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