“A month ago it wasn’t even our choice,” I said, my tone sharper than I intended. “We were thrown together. Is it really so terrifying that it might be what we both want after all?”
He stared at me for a long moment. His eyes dipped down to my lips again and I thought I saw longing there.
“Don’t put that on me,” he said, his voice husky. I sat up a little.
“Put what on you?”
“This. Us.”
“I’m not putting anything on you,” I said, narrowing my eyes a little. How had we gone from a fiery kiss to this? “I’m just saying what you’re already thinking.”
“It’s not that simple. You don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
“How relationships really work. What they’re really about. You’ve never had one.”
I sat up abruptly.
“I’m sorry,” he sighed.
“Don’t apologise for saying what you really think,” I snapped, shifting further from him.
“I’m just saying… we’re not short of time.”
“No,” I agreed. “But you’re starting to sound like you’ve already made your mind up.”
He frowned.
“What makes you say that?”
“Everything you’ve said. You never wanted to marry me anyway. You were thrilled when I gave you an out. Why would one kiss change any of that?”
“You’re overreacting, Ash.”
“If you have so much experience, you should know that you never tell a woman she’s overreacting.”
He let out a groan.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” he said quietly.
“No,” I agreed even though that kiss would be replaying in my head for a long time. Tears pricked my eyes and I could feel his eyes on me. “You should go.”
“Is that what you really want?” he shot back. I didn’t meet his gaze. After a pause he let out a breath and slid off the bed. “Fine. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Chapter 17
We didn’t talk the next day. Or the day after that. I’d lost Rick and Blaine now and felt both losses like they were daggers in my chest.
I stayed at the house for a few days, not bothering to message either of them. What would I say? Sorry, Rick, I might have feelings for Blaine even though I insisted I didn’t for weeks. And Blaine? As much as I wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, that kiss was etched into my brain like a tattoo.
So was the argument that followed.
“Hey, sweetie,” dad said, planting a kiss on my head when arrived home one night. “I thought you had that interview with Hello today?”
“I cancelled it,” I mumbled as I flicked through TV channels.
“Why?”
“Don’t feel well.”
He didn’t buy it. He rolled his sleeves up then sat down beside me.
“You’ve been quiet since the fundraiser,” he stated. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me. Something’s bothering you. Is it Rick?”
“That’s part of it,” I admitted.
“Blaine?” he guessed. I didn’t answer for a moment. Did I really want to have this conversation with my dad? He saw my hesitation and pushed a little more. “I noticed you two disappeared around the same time. Did something happen?”
“I don’t know,” I sighed. I lowered my gaze to the blanket that I was curled up under.
“I think you do know.”
“I thought that maybe there was something real there,” I finally said. “But he… freaked out. We had an argument and I haven’t spoken to him since.”
Dad leaned back a little.
“Has anything happened between you?” he asked.
“He kissed me. A real one. That’s it.”
“Did you want him to?”
“Yes,” I said, cringing a little. “But it’s so confusing. How am I supposed to know if what we have is anything real? We spend all this time pretending… what if the lines are just getting blurred?”
“I can’t tell you if it’s real or not,” he said gently. “But I went through the same thing with your mother. We didn’t have the same deal you and Blaine do. We always intended to get married. But there were times early on that I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was real or just forced. It took a while before it became clear. You can’t figure it out overnight. And you certainly won’t figure it out if you avoid each other.”
“He said that he didn’t want all the responsibility that comes with being King,” I said. “Was it like that for mum?”
He frowned a little.
“I can’t say we talked about it much,” he said slowly. “But she took it in her stride.” He reached his arm out to me and I leaned into him tucking my head into his shoulder. We hadn’t snuggled since I was a child. It was nice. “Before my marriage to your mother was arranged, I had a lot of interest. There were a lot of girls out there who would do just about anything to be Queen. They all wanted the crown.
“But your mother never even mentioned it. And I think that’s why I liked her so easily. She wasn’t in it for the crown or the money. We fell in love quickly.”
He pressed a kiss to my hair.
“If he has reservations about being King then I have a little more respect for him,” he admitted. I looked up at him with a frown. “It means he’s not doing this because he wants the power and crown. He’s just trying to figure out what he wants.”
I stared at him.
“You opened yourself up to this kind of situation when you made that deal with him,” he told me. “You gave him the choice. You can’t be angry with him for trying to work out what he wants to do with it.”
“So I’m just meant to sit here and wait for him to figure it out?”
“It sounds like you’ve got some stuff to figure out as well,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “And you won’t be able to do that if you don’t talk.”
“I don’t know what to say to him.”
“I can’t tell you that. But you can’t sit here sulking forever. You need to deal with this.”
He picked my phone up off the arm of the sofa and held it out to me.
“Call him,” he said as he stood up. “I’m going for a shower.”
He disappeared, leaving me to stare at my phone. I turned it over in my hands a few times before letting out a sigh and opening up my messages with Blaine.
Can we talk?
I hit send and placed my phone on my knee, wondering how long it would take him to reply. He was probably out on patrol so he might not reply for a while. Waiting would be torture.
I picked my phone up again and looked at the last message I’d had from Rick, telling me he needed space. I had no idea how to fix our friendship or even if I could. But I missed him. At least, I missed what we’d had before Blaine. As I sat there staring at my phone, I replayed everything he’d said to me since. The more I thought about it, the more I realised how cruel his words had been, how much they’d hurt me.
Was all of our friendship a lie? Was he just friends with me because he wanted more? I’d known he had a crush on me but I’d never thought it would screw things up this badly. I could’ve lied to him but what good would that do? I’d still be betrothed, if not to Blaine then someone else. He knew that. So why was he treating me like shit?
I was just considering sending him a long, confrontational message when my phone rang. Blaine’s name appeared on the screen, making my insides squirm.
“Hi,” I said weakly when I answered.
“What’s up?” His tone was a little frosty. I swallowed hard, not really sure what to say.
“I… I wanted to apologise,” I finally admitted, “about the other night.”
I could hear talking in the background. Someone shouted something obscene about Blaine talking to his fiancé and I winced.
“It’s okay,” Blaine said quietly. It sounded like he was walking, the other voices fading away.
“It’s not.”
>
“No, it is, Ash. This thing… it’s confusing. We shouldn’t have crossed the line.”
I frowned.
“Crossed the line?”
“We shouldn’t have kissed.”
My throat suddenly went dry. I hadn’t been expecting that. Even though I didn’t make a sound, he must’ve guessed my reaction.
“I’m not saying I didn’t want to,” he said carefully. “I’m saying that it’s just complicated things.”
I lowered my gaze to the ring on my finger. It sparkled in the firelight.
“I guess it did,” I agreed quietly. I cleared my throat. “So what happens now?”
“Now… we go back to normal.”
Normal. Nothing about our relationship was normal.
“Okay,” I managed to say. I took a deep breath, trying to fight back the emotions inside of me. “In that case… I’ve got loads of interviews that need scheduling.”
“Set them up.”
“Are you sure? Your acting skills need some fine tuning.”
“I think I can handle it.”
“If you say so.”
The conversation was easy after that. At least, the words were. Despite how he’d shut me down so quickly, I could hear a strain in his voice. And even though it felt like he’d punched me in the gut, I couldn’t bring myself to bring it up again. I didn’t want him to reject me again.
When I hung up, I stared at the fireplace. I should’ve been pleased that we’d cleared the air and were talking again but it felt wrong. We’d kissed. A real kiss. How was I supposed to forget that? How were we meant to kiss and pose for the cameras when all I’d be able to think about was that night?
All of the interviews and the photoshoots… they suddenly felt like far too much. I’d been the focus of the media so much that it had become a part of my life. I knew what to say, how to act, who to trust… But I didn’t want any of it right now. It felt too complicated.
My mind drifted back to my life in Avaria. I’d spent most of my time there, only visiting the human realm every couple of weeks to accompany my dad to meetings. It had been a simple time, back before my uncle attacked. We had no internet or TV in Avaria, just newspapers and magazines. It was like stepping back in time.
And I missed it.
So badly.
Chapter 18
“Let me get some shots of the ring?” the photographer asked. I held out my hand. Terry had insisted we go for manicures before I had photos of my ring taken and now the camera was zoomed in on my fingers, I was insanely grateful. “Okay, could you put it on your thigh. No, if you can fold your hands over… Yes! That’s perfect.”
He took dozens of photos of my ring. Blaine was sitting next to me, looking incredibly bored. We’d been through an hour-long interview about our engagement and though I’d pulled it off, it had been incredibly awkward. Blaine had said as little as possible but they were more interested in me anyway.
“That’s great,” the photographer said, pushing his glasses up a little as he examined the shots he’d got. “Could we get a few of the both of you now?”
Blaine shifted closer so our legs were touching and put his arm around me. I gave the camera my best smile.
“Hold on a second,” the photographer groaned as he lowered the camera. He began fiddling with the memory card.
“You okay?” Blaine whispered in my ear. I stiffened a little.
“Fine.”
The photographer pointed his camera at us again.
“Could we have some standing up?”
We moved around the studio as he took photos. Blaine was getting restless beside me and I couldn’t blame him. Even though we were on better terms, there was still tension between us and this was not helping.
When the photographer asked me to stand in front of him and for him to put his arms around my waist, he let out a frustrated sigh.
“Haven’t you taken enough photos?” he snapped. I shot him a warning look but the photographer took it in his stride.
“I just need a few more. Five minutes. Then you’re free.”
Blaine sighed but pulled me in front of him and wrapped his arms around me. I stiffened at his touch this time, irked by his outburst.
The photographer took several photos of us from different angles. I had no idea what Blaine’s expression was but I couldn’t imagine we looked like the happy couple we wanted the public to see.
“All done. Thank you for your time.”
I moved away from Blaine and grabbed my jacket off my hanger and slid it over my modest, pale blue dress. Now it was October, the days were getting colder but apparently jeans weren’t acceptable for an engagement photoshoot.
“Did you want to go and get something to eat?” Blaine asked me as I pushed my hair off my face.
“I’m not hungry,” I mumbled to him. He watched as I buttoned up my jacket and pulled my bag over my shoulder.
“Or are you avoiding me?”
I met his gaze.
“Even if I wanted to avoid you, I couldn’t,” I reminded him. He folded his arms and leaned against the wall.
“So you want to.”
“No,” I sighed. “I just… I want to go home.”
He frowned.
“Don’t we have that interview with… one of those stupid magazines?”
“Shit,” I groaned. I rubbed my temple absently. “I forgot.”
“Will you drink a coffee?” he asked. I shrugged a shoulder.
“Sure.”
I assumed he’d take us to a café but instead we went through a drive-thru. I didn’t comment as he pulled up in the corner of the car park.
“I’m sorry I snapped in there,” he said as I sipped my drink.
“It’s fine.”
“In my defence he took hundreds of photos.”
I didn’t answer this time. I could feel him staring at the side of my face. Why couldn’t I pretend everything was fine?
“Ash.”
I finally lifted my gaze to his.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked. “Or do I have to ask?”
I let out a long breath and stared at the hedge in front of his car.
“Sometimes it just gets exhausting,” I said quietly.
“Pretending?”
“Being… me.”
“Why?”
“Cameras follow me everywhere. I bet the people in the drive-through are trying to take photos of us through the window right now.”
Blaine glanced over his shoulder.
“If I want a day off I have to stay at home. It’s the only place they can’t get to me and make a story out of me.”
“You always seem so good at it.”
“I am,” I replied with a dry smile. “Doesn’t mean that I enjoy it.”
He didn’t reply. I guess he didn’t know what to say.
“I’m going to go back to Avaria,” I announced. “Just for a week.”
“When?”
“Tomorrow.”
“That’s… fast. I guess you don’t need to apply to use a portal.”
“One of the few benefits of being a Romar is that we have our own.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“Why now?”
I knew he was pushing me to admit that it was because of him. Maybe my confusing feelings for him were a part of it, but they certainly weren’t the only reason.
“I need to clear my head,” I admitted. “Everything just feels like… too much right now.”
“Like this?”
I gave a small nod. He turned his gaze to the window.
“I miss it,” I shrugged. “I spend more time here than there now. I know the Impius are attacking and stuff but it’s starting to feel like I’m the heir to a realm I can barely remember.”
“I understand,” he said. “I miss it too. I haven’t seen my mother in months.”
“You should go and see her,” I said quietly.
“It’s hard to find the time with my job.”
�
��I suppose. I know you have an important job but family’s important too. Fae live longer than humans… but they don’t live forever.”
He faced me again. I met his gaze as I took a sip of coffee.
“You’re very wise for someone so young,” he said. I cocked an eyebrow.
“And you sound like an old man.”
He smirked and took a sip of his drink.
“What are you going to do while you’re there?”
“I’ll visit my mother’s grave,” I said with a shrug. “As much as I want a break from all this my dad said I should take a look at some bridal stuff. The media is speculating about the wedding a lot so I told them I’ll be looking at traditional Avarian themes.”
“You’ll be doing it alone?”
“I have some friends in Avaria,” I sighed. “I’m sure they’ll be up for it.”
“Don’t sound too excited.”
“Seems kind of pointless to plan for a wedding that’s not going to happen,” I replied dully.
“Ash…”
“Look, it’s fine. We have a deal and I plan on sticking to it,” I said firmly, meeting his gaze. His eyes roamed over my face, searching for something. “And besides… once this is over, the Council will pull someone else out their hat. So I guess it’s not entirely pointless.”
He stared at me, digesting my honest statement. I kept my face neutral even though the idea of having to start over with someone new didn’t appeal in the slightest. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about Blaine but our relationship was more than the lie we were feeding the public. There was something there.
I leaned back and lifted my cup to my lips. Blaine didn’t say anything.
“We might as well head to the next interview,” I said indifferently. He started the car up without another word.
“Are you going to be okay on your own?” dad asked as I strolled across the lounge with a bag over one shoulder. I hadn’t bothered packing much. I had more than enough waiting for me in Avaria.
“Of course,” I reassured him. He rose from his chair and pulled me into a hug.
“I’ll try and visit,” he promised. “Stay safe.”
My phone rang from my bag. I wasn’t even sure why I packed it. It’s not like I could text or call anyone in Avaria. While many buildings had basic electricity, we didn’t have TV’s or phone towers. And even if we did, they wouldn’t connect to this realm. That technology was still a long way off.
The Avarian Chronicles: A Tear In The Veil Page 11