by Erin Lanter
“Of course, we’ll let you know if there are any developments,” the detective said. “I’m sure you understand.”
“Yes. I understand. But Detective, hear me clearly: I don’t intend to become his next victim. Find that body,” she demanded, her anger strengthening her voice.
His voice softened. “Trust me when I tell you we’ll do everything we can to keep that from happening, Ms. James.”
She pushed the disconnect button on her cell phone and laid it on her desk, suddenly thankful for the claustrophobia-inducing cubicle. At least the makeshift walls gave her some measure of privacy.
Still dizzy, Tessa grabbed her purse and walked quickly past her coworkers and out into the sunshine. She needed air. The lunch rush foot traffic enclosed her from all sides. She gulped the summer heat, mouth dry and throat parched. Breaking free from the crowd, she walked to Chester’s Deli, one of her favorite places, for iced tea. Tessa stopped just outside the door.
Seated at a small table in front of the window were Drew and a woman with honey-colored hair. Sliding her arm across the gray and white checkered tablecloth, the woman kept reaching for his hand. Her eyes were rimmed with tears. Tessa felt the familiar stab of pain when she saw Drew, then realized with a sinking stomach that he was probably in a relationship with this woman.
How could she not have suspected there would be someone else? He was smart, handsome, and successful.
The idea that he’d moved on from her stung. They were divorced and he was free to move on. She just hadn’t expected to be replaced so quickly. If he was in a relationship, what was all his talk about them getting back together about?
Seeing him with another woman reminded her how far-reaching the consequences of her distrust were. It was the reason he’d left her in the first place.
She found herself wondering if she distrusted humanity so much that her mind had fabricated a terrible event just because that was what she expected people to do to each other.
Something has to change, she told herself. I can’t go on living like this and expecting the worst from people.
As she used her shoulders to shield herself from the crush of people around her, she pulled her cell phone from her purse and dialed the number she feared would become as familiar as her own.
Biting her lip, she spoke to the person who answered her call. “I need help.”
23
“This must be serious if you can’t wait until next week for our regular session,” Dr. Raymond said as he eased himself into his wingback chair.
“It is.” Tessa glanced out the window behind Dr. Raymond. The sun was shining, and puffy clouds sailed effortlessly across the sky. If only life could be like that, she thought ruefully. How can I tell a mental health professional that I’m starting to wonder if I really am going crazy?
Like Mama.
Dr. Raymond scratched his jaw line where the shadow of a beard was starting to fill in. “Go on,” he said.
“Well,” she began. “It’s just that I…” Tessa clenched her jaw and willed herself to continue. “A couple days ago – Monday to be exact – I thought I saw something. But now I’m not so sure.”
Nodding his head, Dr. Raymond said, “I see,” in the way that only shrinks can. “Tell me what you saw.”
After telling the story to Dr. Raymond, Tessa sank back into the chair and waited.
He nodded in response, more to himself than to her. He was still scratching his growing beard. “You’re right,” he said finally. “That is serious.”
“Did I really see it?” Tessa asked. “The detective I spoke to said there was no evidence that anything actually happened, and they haven’t found a body. No missing persons reports have been filed. As far as he’s concerned, there’s nothing to investigate.” Tessa plucked the cuff of her shirt. “Did I just pull this whole situation out of thin air?”
“Do you think you pulled it out of thin air?”
Tessa shrugged. “It wouldn’t be the first time…”
Dr. Raymond leaned forward. “Tell me about that.”
Taking a deep breath, she said, “When Mama died, I thought I saw someone – a man – running through the backyard. By the time the police and the paramedics got there, he was long gone. They checked for footprints, fingerprints, everything, but couldn’t come up with anything. They said it’s common for people who have experienced emotional trauma to be confused about what exactly happened. That it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself.”
“For some people, that’s true,” Dr. Raymond offered, “but not for everybody.” He scanned his notes. “So, two nights ago, through the window of a house in The Estates, you saw the body of a young woman wrapped in plastic sheeting, being carried over someone’s shoulder?”
“Yes,” Tessa said firmly.
“I noticed you started fidgeting with your shirt cuff when you were telling me about the detective. What worries you most about that?” he asked softly.
“Right now, I just feel like I’m walking around with a target on my back, and the police can’t do anything to stop it.”
“It sounds like you believe it really happened,” Dr. Raymond observed aloud.
“I do. I know they haven’t found a body, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t just find a clever place to hide it, right? I mean, when they have a reason to start looking, I really think they’ll find something.”
Dr. Raymond leaned back in his chair and crossed his ankle over his knee, revealing argyle socks in shades of blue. He made a few notes, then replied, “What’s important is that you’re absolutely positive about what you saw. Are you?”
“Yes!” Tessa said emphatically. “I saw a man carrying a woman wrapped in plastic over his shoulder. And what really scares me is that I’m pretty sure he saw me, too. He looked straight in my direction. Right now, it feels like everything my mother ever taught me is true.”
Dr. Raymond made a note then looked at her again. “Clearly you don’t feel safe, and from the impression I’ve gotten, you never really have. Is that a fair assessment?”
Tessa thought a moment. “Yes, that’s true.”
“What we want to do is figure out what it will take for you to feel safe, like you can let your guard down and not be on defense all the time. What will it take for you to feel like somebody isn’t just waiting to pounce on you when you’re not looking?” Dr. Raymond’s pen was poised and ready to go.
She turned her head and watched a bird that was perched on the windowsill. It was completely alone, but it seemed content, and she knew any sudden movement would startle it, and it would fly to safety.
“I’ve convinced myself I’m tough and independent, and for the most part I am. But when this… fear gets set off, just having somebody with me who I could trust would help.” Her thoughts wandered to Drew. “Unfortunately, the only person who has ever come close is currently unavailable.”
“I see. And who is that?”
“My ex-husband, Drew, but he’s involved with someone. I doubt either of them want me running to him in my time of need.” Again, Tessa glanced at the bird. “They might just want me to disappear. He is the one who ended things between us, after all. My inability to trust him just got to be too much.”
“Are you certain he wouldn’t be willing to help?” Dr. Raymond challenged.
Tessa sighed. Drew had proved in the last couple days that he was but seeing him with that woman at lunch today also proved he wasn’t waiting around for her to learn how to trust him. “I don’t know,” she said honestly.
When her fifty minutes was up, she stood, startling the bird that just moments before had been contentedly soaking up the sunshine. As it flew away, Tessa wondered if she would ever stop living like that scared little bird.
24
Scratching his growing beard, Dr. Raymond made a mental note to shave it off as soon as he got home. Fran, his late wife, always said he’d look ridiculous with a beard.
He caught his reflection in the fish tank. Of course,
Fran had been right. With his thinning hair and bushy eyebrows, the beard made his face look too heavy. Add to that the bizarre black and silver streaks that made him look like a zebra, and his reflection was every bit as ridiculous as Fran had warned. And he couldn’t stop scratching. It probably looked like he had fleas.
Watching the fish swim back and forth in the tank, Dr. Raymond wondered what to do about Tessa James. He’d recently started cutting back on his practice, but he’d decided one more new client would be okay. If he’d denied her or tried to refer her to another psychologist, he had the hunch she would never get the help she needed. Now that he’d met her, he saw how difficult it must have been for her to make that phone call. The fact that she’d asked him to squeeze her in today delighted him. She saw the need to open up to another person and came back only two days later when she needed someone to talk to. It saddened him, though, because he knew she probably didn’t have anyone else.
She’d grown up with a sick and paranoid mother who taught Tessa to distrust not only other people, but she’d also poisoned her mind so much that she didn’t even trust herself.
The most challenging clients he’d ever had were the ones like Tessa’s mother. They didn’t want help. Typically, they’d stay in therapy only a few weeks, or as long as their families could convince them to come. During those few sessions, the clients would either shut him out completely or hurl insults at him for digging into their personal business.
The children of those parents didn’t fare much better, usually because they’d been so conditioned to keep everyone at arm’s length that they struggled to have meaningful interpersonal relationships.
Tessa was walking proof of that. Her self-imposed isolation was heartbreaking, and though she expended vast amounts of energy to appear strong, her composure had nearly crumbled when he asked about friends and family. She was alone, and it was her own doing.
He flipped through the notes he’d taken Monday, at Tessa’s initial session. As a child, she’d taken sole responsibility of playing watchdog after her father left. She’d stayed up all night so her mother could sleep. Dr. Raymond knew very well how damaging that kind of sleep deprivation could be to a child’s growing brain, not to mention the weight of caring for a mentally ill parent. In fact, he was surprised that Tessa functioned as well as she did, considering her upbringing.
She needed help now, before the distrust planted by her mother ruined her.
25
Tessa pulled her six-year-old Toyota into the driveway. Even though she’d just picked it up from the mechanic, it still sputtered.
Her heart sank when she saw Drew sitting on her front stoop, chin resting in his hands. She thought about putting the car in reverse and getting out of there without talking to him, but that wouldn’t solve anything.
She parked but waited until Drew stood and walked toward her before getting out of the car. Those few moments to compose herself would have to do. After all these years, Drew still commanded her attention. He’d always had that effect on women.
Obviously.
He opened the car door for her, and she dreaded the conversation about to happen. “Sorry, baby. A man’s got needs, ya know?”
Tessa immediately dismissed the idea. He had friends who would say something like that, but Drew wouldn’t. He was a class act and had been nothing but faithful through their entire fourteen-year relationship.
She got out of the car and allowed him to close the door behind her. “I went to your office to see you, but Jack said you’d left for the day. I think he’s worried about you.”
“I had an appointment,” Tessa said, leaving it at that.
“I see.” Drew’s eyes scanned the street. “Listen, Tess, we need to talk. About what you saw at lunch – “
Tessa held up a hand to stop him. “Drew, it’s fine. Really. It stung, I’ll admit that, but we haven’t been together for a year. I don’t have a claim on you, and I shouldn’t have been surprised to see you with someone.”
Drew watched the children across the street squeal as they ran through the sprinkler in their yard. “Well, I was breaking up with her, for what it’s worth. A buddy of mine set us up on a blind date a few months ago. We had a good time, but she was taking it a little more seriously than I was.”
Tessa shifted her weight, adjusted her shoulder bag, and squinted into the sun. “She’s very beautiful,” she said, suddenly aware of the five pounds she could never seem to lose.
“She is,” Drew agreed. “But that’s as far as it goes. She’s not my type, and she always tried to keep tabs on me. She never wanted to let me out of her sight. It kind of made me miss the days of you keeping me at arm’s length. At least you were a challenge.” He grinned.
Tessa smiled. It was the first time her neurotic need to keep people at a distance had been described as anything but maddening. “I’m sorry she wasn’t right for you,” she said, again looking off into the distance.
“No, you’re not,” Drew said, taking a step closer to her. “And neither am I.”
As they stood, each with their gaze purposefully fixed on something other than one another the sound of a car engine broke into Tessa’s thoughts. As she tore her eyes from the flowers lining her front walk, the image of a dark blue sedan forced its way into her awareness. As it passed, Tessa strained to see the driver through the heavily tinted windows.
As Tessa turned her back to the road so the driver couldn’t see her face, a loud pop exploded from the car and Tessa dropped to the ground.
26
As Tessa lay on the ground, arms covering her head, Drew squatted next to her.
“Are you okay?” he asked, alarm filling his voice.
“Yes.” Her voice was muffled as she spoke into her arms.
Drew grabbed her elbow and gave it a gentle tug, encouraging Tessa to get to her feet. “Are you sure?”
Tessa nodded. She brushed the grass clippings from her pants and stood with her shoulders back. The children across the street had stopped running through the sprinkler and were staring in her direction. She forced a smile and waved, then turned and went inside.
“What was that?” Drew asked once the door was shut behind them.
“I think a car backfired.”
“I know that,” he said. “I meant your reaction. It was a bit of an overreaction, don’t you think?”
Tessa didn’t answer.
Using his thumb and index finger, he lifted her chin so her eyes would meet his. “Are you that scared?”
Tears stung the backs of Tessa’s eyes. She blinked them away and pulled her chin from his grasp. “Stop. You’re going to make me rust.”
“I know you’re strong, Tess, but even you need help sometimes.” Drew’s mouth was a hard, straight line. “Will you please let me help you?”
Tessa sighed. “You have been helping me, Drew, but I can’t depend on that forever. Seeing you with your girlfriend today reminded me of that. Somehow during the past couple days I’d forgotten.”
“You can depend on me. I’ll keep you safe,” Drew promised.
Tessa shook her head. “You can’t. Not forever. I appreciate everything you’ve done, I really do, but I have to remember how to stand on my own.” She took a deep breath and forced her chest forward. She could take care of herself. She’d done it for years.
Drew slapped his leg. “I don’t get you Tessa. First, you’re mad at me for bringing you dinner, then you call me when you need help. I come, and you let me stay here with you for two nights. Now it sounds like you’re kicking me out the door.”
Tessa winced. He didn’t understand. Neither did she, for that matter. All she knew was that seeing him with that woman had reminded her she was on her own. “I can’t keep going on like this, Drew,” she said quietly. “I can’t get used to having you around again. When we go back to our own lives, I don’t want to have to start over again. It was hard enough the first time.”
“Who says we have to go back to our own lives?” Drew asked,
his eyes searching Tessa’s face.
“You did,” she said simply. “When you left.”
His head jerked back as though she’d slapped him. “So that’s it then. No second chances?”
“I can take care of myself,” Tessa said evenly.
Drew narrowed his eyes and studied her. “You almost sound like you believe that. But what about the guy who might be looking for you? You couldn’t fake that reaction to the car backfiring. You’re terrified.”
“I can take care of myself,” she repeated. “It’s not your job to take care of me. It seems I’ve forgotten that.”
Drew’s face turned red. “You’re impossible, you know that?” he said. Then turned and walked out the front door.
27
Tessa squinted into the setting sun as she watched Drew drive away. After Mama died, sunset became one of Tessa’s favorite things, but not for the reason most people loved it. Sure, it was beautiful, but for Tessa, sunset represented freedom. Freedom from being her mom’s protector. That was one of the life lessons she’d learned from her mother. Tessa remembered watching Mama dance around at sunset because her monsters hadn’t gotten her that day, even though they both new her monsters roared loudest at night. Then she’d dance again at sunrise because she’d survived the night.
Tessa knew very well that the darkest hours were just after sunset and right before sunrise.
But she could take care of herself. She had to.
As a child, she’d check every closet and look under every bed, assuring Mama there was nothing lurking in the darkness. She’d never known if what she was looking for was real or imagined, but somehow it didn’t matter. Sometimes her assurance was enough to calm Mama down. Sometimes no power on earth could do it.
For the past few nights, sunset hadn’t represented freedom. She’d survived the day, yes, but once darkness settled in, Tessa worried about a whole different kind of monster: a killer on the loose that she could only pray didn’t have her face burned into his mind.