by Katia Rose
I’ve thought a lot about that moment, and how sometimes she looked just as scared about being with me.
Seeing that look on her face broke my heart every damn time. I meant it when I said I’d be there for her through all the fear and pain, for every day it took until she was ready, but it felt like walking on broken glass to see that wince on her face each time I took a step forward and she took two steps back.
Hope’s speech about boundaries and limits got me thinking about my own limits. I wanted to give DeeDee everything, and I thought I didn’t need anything back—anything other than her. I’ve played out every scenario in my mind, walked through every option like a choose your own adventure story, and I’ve realized that in the version that worked, I needed DeeDee to be sure we were worth it. I didn’t need everything to be easy, but I needed to know she was as in this as I was.
The more I think about it, the more I realize we weren’t living that version of the story.
My phone lights up with a text, and I open the message from Monroe.
I’m over by that zip line thing. Come here and I’ll find you.
Apparently today my life is going to involve a wild goose chase around Old Montreal as I search for my boss. Never a dull moment with the Taverne Toulouse crew.
I head over to the base of the zip line, and she’s still nowhere in sight. I send her another message:
Am I being punked?
A couple minutes tick by with no response. I’m about to search Maps for the nearest cafe and just tell her to meet me there when someone calls my name from behind me.
“Zach!”
I’d know that throaty, accented voice anywhere. Hearing that voice say my name might just be my favourite sound in the world, and for a few seconds, all the weeks since we said goodbye disappear, fade like they never even happened. There’s nothing but this moment, and in this moment, she’s here.
I turn around and find her standing there with a blue helmet on, a harness hanging around her hips. I soak in every detail like I haven’t seen her in years: the spray of freckles over her nose and cheeks that’s darkened from the summer sun, the wisps of pink hair escaping from under the helmet to frame her face, the white t-shirt and tiny denim shorts that could knock a guy flat on his back. She’s like the first day of summer after a winter that’s lasted way, way too long.
I meet her gaze and see the uncertainty in her eyes, the hope holding itself back as she chews on her lip, shifting her weight from foot to foot.
“DeeDee—”
“Attends!” She holds up a finger, ordering me to wait. “Watch this, okay?”
Before I have time to process the fact that she’s here, she’s bolting away from me. I stand frozen in place with my mouth hanging open, watching her tear up the stairs to the top of the zip line platform. My head swivels in what feels like slow motion when an exhilarated laugh peels out from overhead and DeeDee launches down the line.
I watch her lean back in the harness and straddle her legs in the air, laughing and shouting the whole time. I’m pretty sure she throws up some devil horns with one hand.
What I am certain of is that I will never forget the sight of DeeDee Beausoleil careening through the sky above my head.
I’ve never seen anyone look so free.
The moment seems to stretch on forever, like she slows to a stop in the middle of the line just to give me time to appreciate everything this means, but I know it can’t be longer than a few seconds before she’s touching down at the other end.
It’s too crowded for me to see the landing zone from here. As soon as she’s out of sight, my legs seem to remember how to move again, and I’m ducking and weaving my way through the crowd to get to her.
I have to get to her.
There’s a guy positioned at the entrance to the pier who tries to stop me from entering, but I barely hear his speech about the area being for zip line riders only. I hardly even look at him. He shouts something after me as I sprint by, but I don’t slow down.
“Zach!”
DeeDee’s just been unhooked from the line, and she takes off running toward me as fast as I’m running to her—helmet still on, harness clanking around her hips, shouting my name over and over again.
I know we have lots to say. I know our problems haven’t disappeared in an instant. I know this moment isn’t a magic fix-all that makes everything better, but I don’t fucking care.
I open my arms wide and catch her when she jumps into them. Her arms circle my neck, and her legs circle my waist. I stumble back a few steps and knock my head against her helmet as I steady myself. We’re both laughing and breathless and smiling so wide I’m sure my face is about to split apart, and then I’m kissing her and she’s kissing me back. She’s here, and I’m holding her. Her heart is beating against mine, and she tastes even better than I remembered. She tastes familiar, and her lips on mine feel like home.
We don’t speak much as we drop DeeDee’s helmet and harness off before fighting our way through the crowd to get to the other pier—the one we’re actually allowed to walk on. I feel like I’m buzzing with enough energy to run across the entire city, and everything I want to say is moving too fast in my brain for me to turn it into words.
She’s here. She’s here. She’s here.
That thought keeps ringing out above all the others. I know she hasn’t said anything yet, hasn’t told me things have changed, but she feels more here than she’s ever been.
She keeps hold of my hand the whole way down the pier. We glance at each other every now and then, laughing like nervous teenagers on a first date. When we reach the end, DeeDee pulls me to an empty spot on the railing. Not many people have made it out this far, and we have some space to ourselves.
“Do you know why I was so scared to go on the zip line?” she asks, the breeze off the water lifting the ends of her hair.
“You...” My voice has gone hoarse, and I have to clear my throat before continuing. “You said you didn’t want to do it by yourself.”
She nods. “I didn’t want to do anything by myself. I have been trying to figure out why, and there are probably a lot of reasons. Maybe I will never totally know what makes me like that, and maybe it will always be part of me, but...”
She trails off, frowning a little. The creases that form between her eyes are adorable.
“But?” I prompt.
She grimaces. “English is hard.”
I chuckle. “We can switch to French.”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I want to say this for you. I want you to understand this.”
She squeezes my hand, and I know she means more than just the words themselves.
“I have been afraid for a very long time. I was afraid of being with you. I was afraid of not being with you. It was so confusing, and I wanted to give you so much, but I...” She drops my hand and pulls something out of her pocket, keeping it clenched tight in her first. “I told you I didn’t want to be with you just because I was running from something. I want to be with you because I’m running to you. To us.”
Us. Two letters. Just two letters, and yet they have me wanting to pull her into my arms and kiss her senseless again, but I know this is important. There’s a time for dramatic kisses, and there’s a time for solemn words.
She opens her palm, and her grandmother’s ring is sitting there, silver and sapphire glinting in the sunlight.
“I’ve worn this every day since my grandmother died when I was twelve.”
She cranks her arm back like a baseball pitcher and throws the ring into the Fleuve Saint-Laurent.
I gasp as I watch it arc through the air and disappear with a plop, the ripples getting swallowed up by the waves in an instant.
“DeeDee—”
“J’men câlisse de ҫa.” Her face gets hard, fire burning inside her, and even though I’m pretty sure I get the gist of what she just said, she translates for my benefit. “Fuck that shit. I’m done. I’m done with it. I’m done with not living m
y life.”
She hasn’t even glanced at the water since throwing the ring.
“I applied to Cheveluxe, that haircutting school I always wanted to go to. I got in.”
A shy smile breaks through her righteous fury for a second, and I start to say something to express how astounded—how proud I am, but she cuts me off again.
“I started seeing my psychologist lady again too. I’m...I’m working really hard, Zach, and maybe it’s still gonna take time, but I want to believe I have everything I need. Just me. I have to believe that.”
My breath catches in my throat, almost choking me, and a shard of dread shoots up my spine.
Maybe she’s not here to say what I thought she was.
“I also want to believe there’s a way to have people in my life while still being my own person, to be close to people without being so fucking scared they’re going to leave.” She stares down at the boards beneath our feet, her voice dropping lower, like she’s speaking to herself as much as me. “There is a way to have both those things.”
A family of tourists sidles up next to us and takes a few selfies. We stay silent as we wait for them to leave.
“Zach.” She looks back up at me. “My life is so much better with you in it. Everything is better with you. My life won’t fall apart without you. I needed to know that, and now I do, but I also know...”
She takes a few deep breaths, and when her eyes lock with mine, they’re blazing with more certainty that I’ve ever seen in her before.
“I know that you’re the first person I want to see when I wake up. You’re the person I want to have breakfast with in the morning. I want to look into my kitchen and see you making your peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. I want to bring you coffee when you’re working hard in your weird little closet-office. I want kissing you to be the first thing I do when I get home from the bar. I want to share every story with you, every joke, and every meme you will make fun of because you don’t understand that I’m better at memes than you are. I want you to hold me when I’m crying. I want to hug you when you’re sad. I want to wear your flannel shirts around the house and distract you until you bend me over the couch. I want to have so much sex, Zach.”
Her voice trembles, and she bites down on her bottom lip for a second. I don’t know how she can make me feel like tearing up and have me wanting her this bad all at the same time, but that’s part of the magic of DeeDee.
“Mostly, though, I...” She steps a little closer. “I want the chance to love you, Zach, if you will let me have it.”
I’m about to drop to my knees and tell her she can have anything she wants. I’m ready to declare that for the whole port to hear, but I stop myself.
There’s something I need to say first.
“DeeDee, I...” I take both her hands in mine. “You have no idea what it means to hear you say that. I want all those things too. More than I can say. I just...”
Her features tighten with pain. She closes her eyes and breathes deep like she’s bracing herself.
“It’s too late,” she states, like it’s a fact she has to accept.
“DeeDee, what? No!” I drop her hands and grip her upper arms instead. “It’s not too late at all. This is...We both needed this time, and I’m so glad you asked for it. It—Well, to be honest, it hurt like a bitch, but I know you needed to figure some stuff out, and I figured some stuff out too.”
“Oh?” Some of her hope returns.
“I want to do this more than I’ve wanted to do anything before, but I have to know we are doing this. The testing the waters thing...I just...This is so much more than that to me, and I can’t do that again. I need to set some limits before we do this. I need to tell you what I need, and right now, what I need is to know. I need to know...that...that...”
“Zach.”
She brings one of her hands up to cup my cheek. I close my eyes and let all the air whoosh out of my lungs before twisting to press my lips to her palm.
“Zach,” she murmurs, “I’m not testing the waters. You don’t have to worry or wonder, okay? I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Are you sure?” I look at her again, searching.
She grins, just a faint little smile like she’s nervous about letting herself be too happy just yet, but it’s open and honest and real.
“Excuse me!” She pulls away from me and climbs up onto the pier’s railing, shouting loud enough to turn heads. “Excusez-moi! I have an important message for everyone.”
“DeeDee!” I grab her hand to steady her as she wobbles on the rail. “You’re going to end up in the river.”
“Shhh!” She keeps hold of my hand and addresses the half dozen confused tourists who are paying attention to her. One of them is filming her on his phone. “Listen up, everyone. I have something to say. This man here, his name is Zach, and I would very much like to be his girlfriend. I would like for everyone in the world to know that he is mine and I am his. It took me a very long time to be ready for that, and I probably do not deserve another chance with him at all, but I am asking for it anyway. I will stand up in front of any crowd he wants and say this all again. Thank you for your time.”
She hops off the railing and curtsies. The tiny crowd blinks in confusion before going back to taking pictures of the Port.
“DeeDee...” I pull her in close to me again. “Did you mean that?”
She beams at me. “Every word. Hit me with your limits, because I’m ready for them. I have never been more sure of anything in my whole life, and I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it. I’ll prove it to you. I’m here, and I’m sure. You have my whole heart, Zach.”
I tuck her hair behind her ear as I stare into those brown eyes. “And you have mine.”
Twenty-Seven
Zach
LIQUEUR: a strong, sweet liquor
I can’t get her to my apartment fast enough. She wanted to take the metro, but I was calling us an Uber before we even got off the pier. I’m almost crawling out of my skin by the time we finally pull up outside my building.
Her hand on my thigh the whole way over was not helping.
I need her skin. I need her mouth. I need her body under mine. We’re past the point of words. I need to show her everything this moment means to me. I need us to be as close as we can possibly be, and I need it now.
“Zach!” She giggles and protests for a few seconds when I back her up against the wall in my building’s entryway, but when my hips meet hers, she sighs and melts into me.
It’s only once my thigh has slipped between her legs and she’s biting my neck that we both decide actually getting into my apartment might be a good idea.
I still stop to kiss her at the top of every flight of stairs.
“Is Paige home?” she pants, tugging on the hem of my shirt where she stands behind me as I struggle to get the damn door unlocked.
Her hands slip under the shirt and slide up my back. I groan and rest my forehead against the door.
“If she is, then she better get ready to leave. Fast. I’m not slowing down for anything.”
DeeDee lets out a breathless laugh just as I finally get the key to turn in the lock.
I pull her into the living room without stopping to take our shoes off. Paige’s door is cracked open a few inches, which means she’s definitely not home. I hardly give myself the time to notice as I scoop DeeDee up in my arms, bride over the threshold style, and carry her to my room before tossing her onto the bed.
Apparently I have an inner caveman. Thankfully, DeeDee looks thrilled about it.
She rolls onto her back and props herself up on her elbows, bare legs stretched out in front of her. I kneel at the edge of the bed.
“Give me your foot.”
She gives me a dubious look. “My foot?”
“I’m taking your shoes off,” I explain.
What I want is to be inside her as fast as humanly possible, but I need to do this right. I need to make this as memorable as
it should be. Today is part of our story. It might even be where our story begins, and I’m not going to rush it.
So I’ve got to slow myself down.
DeeDee shifts around so her feet are right in front of me. I start on the laces of one of her white Converse and slide it off with all the patience I can muster, like it’s a glass slipper I don’t want to break. I peel her sock off and then start kneading the sole of her foot with my thumbs, working the muscles until she’s humming with pleasure.
“That feels so nice,” she purrs.
I glance up at her face and see she’s got her eyes closed. Her tits are thrust forward from leaning back on her elbows, straining against her tight shirt. She’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.
I force myself to look back down.
Removing her other shoe just as slowly, I rub her feet for a few minutes, concentrating on what my hands are doing instead of the sounds she’s making. I move my hands up to her ankles, and then her calves.
I continue rubbing circles with my thumbs, keeping up the pretence of a massage as I spread her legs wider and kneel on the bed between them. She lays all the way back on the mattress and bends her knees. I start making my way down the insides of her thighs.
“Comme ҫa,” she murmurs. “Like that. Please.”
I fucking love the way she begs. It always sets something off inside me, something intense, something demanding and even a bit dark—something nobody but her has ever made me feel, and something no one but her could make me feel safe enough to express.
Today, though, I don’t want dark. We’ll have time for that later. Today I want what we promised to give each other on the pier: the chance to love one another. I want to show her exactly what that means.
“DeeDee.” She opens her eyes when I say her name. “Come here. I need you close.”
I shift us around until I’m sitting cross-legged and she’s in my lap with her legs wrapped around my waist. She takes my face in her hands, her hair falling around us like a candy pink curtain, and we kiss until kissing feels more important that breathing, until it feels like her lips on my lips are keeping me alive, keeping my heart beating, keeping breath in my lungs. She tilts my head back, taking control as her tongue slips inside my mouth. I moan as she strokes it over my own. My grip tightens on her thighs, and she starts to rock against me.