by Ciara Knight
“Do not do this,” Fredrick pleaded, his eyes soft and longing. “I’ll wait.”
“No.” I slid my hands behind my back in hopes he wouldn’t see them shaking. “Fredrick Krause, I will never marry you.”
Chapter Seventeen
Three days I walked aimlessly around the ranch, trying to negotiate my feelings. Jeb and Elizabeth would be returning soon, and I needed to get straightened out. If I couldn’t focus on my own future, I could at least focus on building one for others. It would be difficult, but I was determined to convince Jeb to buy the place near town and let me run a home for women. There had to be a reason I lived instead of Joanna. It’s all I had to cling to now.
It was time for me to stop being protected and start finding my own courage. It was something I admired about Elizabeth. The girl had traveled across the country, dealt with a man who was nearly impossible to reason with, and still managed to cook an amazing meal and win over the ranch hands. I wanted some of that courage.
I went to a spot behind the house and knelt to plant some flowers Fredrick had given me from his shed. It would be nice to have a garden. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and I had plenty of work to focus on, so I dug up the earth at my knees and planted new life into the ground.
“You need space between.” A woman’s voice sounded from behind me. It sounded familiar, but it couldn’t be Helga. She didn’t speak English.
I whirled around, and my eyes fixed on Helga towering over me. “You speak English?”
“Ja.” She hiked her skirts up, tucked them into her waist, and knelt at my side. “Some. You space or roots grow together. That plant go there, or it kill this plant.”
I blinked, still trying to figure out how she’d managed to not speak all this time. “Why didn’t Fredrick and Agatha tell me you spoke English?”
“They don’t know. I listen, I learn, I not speak.”
“But why?”
She took a plant from my hands and placed it in the ground at the opposite corner. “They think I don’t understand when they talk English. I know things they never tell me. For years they shut me out, protecting me from life. I need no protection. I need life. This way, I know what goes on.”
I chuckled. “Oh my. I thought you were…”
“Simple in head? Overbearing woman who speak German?” She nodded. “Yes, but I speak English. You not tell them, no?”
“No, I won’t tell.” I dug into the ground once more. “Your secret is safe, considering I’m not even speaking to them any longer.”
“You simple in head,” She said with a guttural sound at the end of each word.
The wind blew a cool breeze, flapping the laundry on the line and whisking my hair into my eyes. I shoved it back inside my bonnet and continued working. “No. Agatha was right. I needed to let Fredrick go if I wasn’t ready to marry him.”
“No. You marry him. But first you need to forgive yourself.”
“Never. I don’t deserve forgiveness.”
“You think I deserve to live here in this land?” She shifted on her knees and clapped some dirt from her hands. “I save enemy soldier who killed my husband. I murder my husband.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t respond.
“In war time, soldier tell me he need help. I nurse. I help. Man not hurt. He come inside to kill husband who important soldier. He die because of me.”
I could tell her it wasn’t her fault, but she’d forever feel responsible for her choice.
“I not forgive myself until Fredrick’s wife died on that boat. She told me that she wished I would let guilt go. It poisons not only me but all around me. I realize that grief is selfish. We hold on to it so we not let loved ones go.”
I only shook my head, my eyes misting.
“You not murder baby. She die, but you would have given your life for her.”
“Yes, but I didn’t.” I plowed into the dirt and shoveled it out of the way.
Helga smiled. “You use son to protect self. When he find girl, you not have shield no longer. Agatha push, Fredrick push, you run. I here to tell you no more running. Daughter gone. You not bring her back, but life has more for you. You have new life. You say you want son to live. You live.”
I didn’t have the strength to argue, but I had even less strength not to. “It’s different.”
“Is it? You want to hurt Fredrick?”
“No, of course not.”
“You hurt him. He good man. Why you selfish and hold on to little girl when you not hold on to good man?”
That was harsh. She didn’t hold back any speech like her brother. For the first time, I didn’t like it.
“You go, find Fredrick, tell him you marry him. Hurry, though. He go to Sherman today to make some lifechanging thing happen.”
My stomach churned the little bit of coffee I’d managed to drink this morning. “No. It is good he went. He is going to marry a good woman from your country and have a good life.”
“You stubborn and selfish woman. This you regret.”
I knew she was right, but I could never commit to marrying Fredrick. How could I live a long life of children and hope? Did I deserve it? Hadn’t I chosen to stay with my husband instead of choosing my child?
I spent the next few days working hard on the new garden and trying not to think of Fredrick moving on with his life. It was what I wanted, right?
The day finally came for Jeb and Elizabeth to return. Unfortunately, when they arrived, things were worse between them. I had to know what happened, so it was time to speak to my informant, Teddy. I found him tending the horses. “How did the adventure go? It appears that Elizabeth and Jeb are still bickering.”
“It is worse than that. Jeb feels betrayed. Thinks that Elizabeth is going to marry commanding officer.”
“That’s crazy. Although, it isn’t as if Jeb has exactly welcomed her into his life.”
Teddy pitched hay but stopped and shook his head. “I think she was negotiating terms. If what I suspect is true, the cattle deal was dead until Elizabeth stepped in and saved it.”
I heard the men approach, so I slipped out of the barn as quick as I’d entered and headed up to the house.
Jeb sat at the table eating.
I snatched his plate from the table to make sure I had his undivided attention. “Well, aren’t you the fool.”
Jeb turned to face me. “You forget she lied to me, and for a moment I started to trust her, but then she lied to me again.”
“She didn’t lie to you. She negotiated.”
Jeb paced the floor to the stairs, turned, and paced back “Negotiated my deal behind my back using her feminine ways. That’s exactly what women did to Pa.”
“Your pa was a drunkard who allowed himself to be fooled. He believed what he wanted to believe.” The pain sketched a vivid picture in my mind.
“Doesn’t matter. The women still used their ways they have to convince him. That’s exactly what Elizabeth did to Colonel Richardson. She used her way to make a deal. She’s exactly the type of woman I don’t want in my life. A liar, a manipulator. I will not be like Pa.”
I let out a loud sigh. “She did it for you, because she cares about you. The women who manipulated your pa were saloon girls who didn’t care about him.” I sank to the bench and settled my hands in my lap. “Yes, women use their feminine gifts to get what they want at times. Did you ever stop to think why we have to do that?”
“No.” He shot me a sideways glance but kept pacing.
“Because we have no rights.” The image of being bound and kept in the house flashed. I swallowed and forced it from my mind. “We can’t vote, we can’t have jobs, we can’t own land. If a man is in control of everything, how do we get what we need in life?”
Flashes of a peddler coming to our door and me begging him to take Joanna to save her life but him walking away without her. Flash of the neighbors turning me away when I tried to run away with the children. Flash of the lawman telling me I had n
o rights.
I let the images come funneling through a cloud that had protected me from memories for so long. The realization pushed through the blocked door and into the light. “Men use muscles, brains, and respect to earn wages and own homes. Women have one tool they can access in their life, and it can save a woman from many things, including an unhappy marriage. You don’t think that I knew what your father was doing?”
Jeb stopped dead in his tracks.
“Every time he left to find a drink and a woman meant he wasn’t around me and he couldn’t harm you. It was the only defense I had. The only way to protect my children. I didn’t know he wouldn’t return for weeks during the winter and leave us with no food. I didn’t tell him he could go, because he demanded it. I would smile and cook him food because it kept him thinking he was in control. A man who doesn’t feel in control is like a rabid animal with fists.”
Jeb’s face turned whiter than a cotton tail on a bunny. “I…I always thought those women stole him from us.”
I removed my apron, set it on the table, and then took his hands in mine. “No, son. I gave him to them.” It was true. I hadn’t had any rights. I’d tried to run. I’d tried to find help. I’d been alone and hadn’t had a prayer to help my children. My daughter died not because I wanted to save myself from another beating but because I wanted to save her fragile little body from his anger and resentment and hands.
His jaw and fists were tight. “Still, I remember those women. They’d say anything to get what they wanted.”
I gripped his hands tighter, willing him to see what I could see now. “Honey, they were prostitutes. They were paid to say whatever a man wanted to hear and to take whatever they could to survive. Elizabeth isn’t a prostitute. She used her gifts to help you.”
“Why would she do that?”
“I think you know, son.” And I knew she loved Jeb. No woman would try so hard, subject herself to so much, without being in love.
He yanked his hands away and paced to the stairs. “She still lied to me when she arrived. I can’t trust a woman who lies.”
“Then you can’t trust me.” This was my chance. I might lose my son’s trust forever, but it didn’t matter if he allowed himself to open his heart to Elizabeth.
He faced me with a head shake and furrowed brows. “Why are you trying to cover for her? We have each other. We don’t need anyone else.”
It was time to let Jeb go to live his own life, to let the past go, in hopes of us all finding a future. “You won’t have me much longer.” I removed the letter from Miss Scarborough from my pocket.
He rushed to my side and looked down at me with wide eyes and slack mouth. “You’re dying?”
“No. Getting married.” I only hoped Fredrick would still have me after all that I’d done to push him away. Was I too late? Did he already propose to the other woman?
Jeb collapsed onto the bench at the table. “What?”
I laughed. “It appears I was able to get rid of the past easier than you. I decided to let love into my heart again, and it feels amazing. I only hope you can do it someday.”
“Who?”
“Mr. Krause. We will be married. I’ll be moving into his home.”
“That shack?”
I slammed the piece of paper onto the table by his arms. “Just remember where you came from. He’s not near as poor as we were. He’s a good man, and if you’d ever give up a precious moment of your time to meet a neighbor, you might know that.” I removed my hand and headed for the door. “After you read that, I hope you go find Elizabeth and grovel for her forgiveness. I only hope she makes you grovel long and hard before she accepts you.”
I raced out of the house, but before I could reach the barn, Jeb came after me.
“What is this? Did you make this up to have me fall prey to Elizabeth’s ways?”
“No. You may hate me forever, but I didn’t know if you should marry that girl. I thought you might be like your pa and fall prey to some woman I didn’t know anything about, so I kept the letter when it arrived so that I could see what kind of woman she was. I had no idea she’d be as perfect as she is. It was my fault, my suspicions that I carried throughout these years, that I imprinted onto you. Fredrick showed me that relationships can be about sharing and trust. It’s my fault about the lie when you met Elizabeth, but the ordeal with the colonel? That’s all on you. You best go find that woman before she heads out to New York thinking her only option is to accept that proposal.”
Jeb paced. Glanced at me and then at his feet.
I gave him a minute to process, but it wasn’t enough time because Samuel came racing in on horseback, and I knew instantly there was something wrong. Jeb ran up to him as he pulled to a stop.
“What’s wrong? Is it Elizabeth? Did she leave?”
Samuel dismounted, removed his hat, and eyed ma before turning back to him. “No, it’s the cattle. They’re dying.”
Before I could ask anything else, the men were off to deal with the cattle crisis. There wasn’t much I could do to help with dying cattle, but there was something I could do to change my future. I ran inside the barn and found Teddy. “I need a horse, now.”
Teddy quickly saddled a horse, and I rode hard across the land. I’d grovel if I had to. I’d beg his forgiveness and offer him anything he desired, if he only still wanted to marry me. I pulled the horse to a stop, jumped from the saddle, and raced into the barn, but Fredrick wasn’t there. I ran to the house and found Helga and Agatha sitting at the table holding the baby. “Where is he? I’m not too late, am I?”
Agatha snuggled her baby close to her chest. “I’m sorry, but he’s gone.”
“Gone?” I asked, as if she’d misspoken.
“Yes, he went to buy a new place in Sherman. We are all to live there. He said it was time for us all to move on with our lives and leave the past behind.”
The past.
I was now his past instead of his future.
I was too late.
Chapter Eighteen
Elizabeth placed her carpet bag on the bench and opened her arms to say good-bye to me. It was tragic, but there was nothing I could do to change Jeb. I only hoped someday he wouldn’t regret his choices the way I regretted my own.
“You don’t have to go. Give him a chance. He just needs more time,” I pleaded one last time.
“No. I’m not staying here any longer,” Elizabeth said flatly. “I’ve been waiting two days for Jeb to speak with me, but he has gone before sunrise and doesn’t return until late in the night.”
I straightened the fruit sitting in a basket. “Then you’re going to marry Colonel Richardson.”
“No.” She headed for the door. “I’m going to get my money so that I can figure out what I can do next. The hundred dollars I was promised for being the cook on the drive will keep me going until I can figure something out.”
I wanted to force her to stay, but she needed to make her own choices. Once the last person I had around besides a silent son left, I returned to the comforting solitude of my backyard garden to face the new yet old life I would be living. So much had happened for so little to have changed.
In the hot sun of summer, I tilled the earth, working to cultivate some new memories of a good man. The flowers he’d shared with me, the moments he’d blessed me with, were all going to be seen in the beauty of the flower pedals.
Footsteps approached, and I readied for Jeb’s diatribe about the woman who betrayed and left him, but when I looked up, an unmistakably large figure stood over me.
“Fredrick?” I whispered, as if I spoke too loudly I’d spook the image away.
“Yes. Someone told me you came to see me.” He moved closer, offering his hand to help me up.
I managed to stand on my own. “What I came to tell you no longer matters. I hope you know that all I want for you is happiness. You deserve so much in life.”
“I hope to be happy soon. If my bride finally marries me.” He removed his hat and closed t
he distance between us.
I stepped away. “You are moving to town to be with the woman from Germany.”
“I am moving to town but not to be with a woman from Germany,” he said, his words giving me hope I didn’t deserve.
Men around the barn hollered at one another. The wind swept sand across the horizon. Bugs flittered around us, but nothing made sense.
“Did I not make promise?”
I quirked a brow at him. “Promise?”
“A Christmas promise.” He removed his hat and held it to his chest. “I promise to care for you, never harm you, and to help find passion. I also promised to wait for you to be ready.”
“Yes, but—”
“I not move to town for German woman. I move for woman from ranch, so she start home for women with no rights who want to escape bad circumstances.”
“What?” I couldn’t stop the tears rushing down my cheeks, but Fredrick swiped them away with his thumbs, the way he’d been trying to wipe away my pain since we met. “You did that for me?”
“I do anything for you, Mary Clayton. You special woman. You only woman I want. I only upset you not ask me for house to help women in town instead of your son. I want to be your partner.” He looked at his boots, then his hat, and then back to me. “That is if you want me.”
“Yes. Yes! More than I can say.” I threw my arms around him and kissed him with all the love and passion I’d held back for so long.
When we finally broke apart, Fredrick uncrushed his hat and placed it on his head. “We go speak to your son now?”
“Yes. Now.” I snagged his hand and raced around the home. In front stood several men surrounding Elizabeth, Jeb, and Teddy. I stopped dead at the sight of the men and their guns pointed at my son and people I’d grown to love.
I looked to Fredrick. “What do we do?”
He nudged me into hiding behind the side of the house. “We can’t fight them alone. I go get more men. Hendricks head to town today to sell goods. Should be on road. I catch him. He and son help us. You stay hidden.” Fredrick kissed me hard. When he released me he clutched my shoulders and I saw deep fear for the first time in his eyes. “Promise you not do anything until I return.”