by Lucy Adams
“What do you mean, Merry?” Lady Whitehaven asked, coming to sit down in a chair close to her daughter. “Has Lord Weston’s acquaintance changed you also?”
Merry let out a small, sad chuckle. “I think you know that it has done so, Mama,” she replied, looking directly at her mother and seeing the answering smile. “I feel as though I have discovered myself. I have not had to hide in the shadows any longer. I have discovered what it feels like to have a gentleman care about what I say and what I think and what I feel without focusing entirely on my appearance.” She shook her head and let out a long, pained breath. “Lord Weston brought that out in me, Mama,” she finished, her voice tremulous. “He sought the truth from me. He wanted to discover such a thing in order to grow the intimacy between us, and I found myself eager to tell him all. I have never known anything like it before.”
“And he, in turn, spoke honestly to you?”
Merry closed her eyes, feeling another wave of pain surface. “I believed him to be truthful,” she said, her voice now barely louder than a whisper. “That is all.”
Titania leaned forward, having seated herself on a small stool. “But what if he was being truthful, Merry? What if, in pursuing you in order to win the wager, he found himself falling in love with you? He would not know what to do thereafter, would he?”
Merry did not want to admit it, did not want to state that her sister was correct, but she knew that she had no choice but to do so. “Yes,” she whispered. “I recall that he told me he was confused and conflicted, but at the time, I did not know what it was he referred to specifically.”
“And now you do,” Catherine replied firmly. “And even though I am furious with him for what he chose to do, I must now look at his actions thereafter and compare them with what sort of gentleman he was.” She smiled at Merry, her expression a little strained. “He was a fool to make such a wager, Merry, but if it is as Titania believes, if what he said to you about his affections is true, and seeing that he has given his winnings to the charitable house, then is there not an opportunity for you to find a happy and contented future with him?”
“It would mean finding a deep forgiveness for him within your heart,” Lady Whitehaven warned, her tone somber. “Such a thing can be more than a little difficult, Merry, and none of us would expect you to be able to do so with ease.”
Pulling out her handkerchief, Merry dabbed at her eyes. “I do not know if my heart can do such a thing, Mama.”
“Of course it can.”
Merry looked up in surprise to see Dinah standing by the door, having evidently slipped inside when they had been busy conversing.
“You have a kind and gentle heart, Merry,” Dinah continued, not smiling nor frowning but rather simply holding Merry’s gaze steadily. “I know that you can find a forgiveness there for Lord Weston, if you wish to. Think on what he has said and done these last few days that has warmed your heart. If you can believe that his declarations were true, then you might be able to consider the conflict that has warred within his heart. He has discovered a new part of himself, a new part of his character that has been at war with the old. A very fitting example of a person finding the light and, therefore, turning their back on the dark, do you not think?”
Merry closed her eyes and buried her head in her hands again. It was not as though she did not appreciate what her sisters, cousin, and mother had to say, but her head was so filled with thoughts and her heart with swirling emotions that she could not find anything coherent to say. Underneath her hurt and her pain, Merry knew that she still had a love for him within her heart, which was why the belief that he had used her as a mere pawn had broken her so terribly. If she accepted that he had made a mistake, that his heart had changed towards her in the course of his attempt to win the wager, then she had to consider what her actions would be next. Would she go to him? Tell him that she believed his words of love and affection and seek to find forgiveness within her own heart? Or would she choose to turn her back on him completely, even though there was the chance of a happy future for them both?
“We should allow Merry some time to consider things alone,” Lady Whitehaven said, evidently seeing Merry’s distress and realizing that she needed to be allowed to think on such matters without interruption. “Come now, girls.” She rose to her feet, just as the maid scratched at the door.
“A tea tray, I think, for Miss Merry,” Lady Whitehaven said, addressing the maid and setting a hand on Merry’s shoulder. “The rest of us will take tea in the library.”
Merry looked up gratefully at her mother, seeing the gentle expression on Lady Whitehaven’s face and knowing that, whatever she decided, her mother would accept her decision without question. “Thank you, Mama.”
“You are most welcome, my dear girl,” Lady Whitehaven said, with emphasis. “And before I forget, here is the note that Lord Weston has written to you, along with the beautiful bouquet that arrived. I leave it up to you as to whether or not you read it, my dear."
Merry took the small folded note from her mother with a murmur of thanks, running her fingers over the unbroken seal. Her heart was in a quandary, her mind going from one thought to the next with such speed that it made it difficult to catch her breath.
“Come and speak to me whenever you are ready,” Lady Whitehaven finished, letting go of Merry’s shoulder and following the others from the room. “And consider it all carefully, Merry. This matter deserves as much thought as you can give it.”
Merry gave her mother a small nod and a watery smile, feeling a weight begin to lie heavily on her soul as the door closed behind Lady Whitehaven. Her mother was correct to state that she had to allow this matter to run through her mind for some time before she made a decision, for her entire future was built upon it. Her tears still lingered, blurring her vision as she looked down at the letter. The last letter she had received from Lord Weston had been one filled with apologies, with words of hope and a request for her consideration. What would be contained within this one? Could she bring herself to read it? Could she allow her heart to fill with him once more, knowing that she could, in the midst of her pain, find a way to forgive him his wrongdoing?
Swallowing the lump in her throat, Merry forced herself to break open the seal and unfolded the letter. She could not simply discard it, could not allow his words to be unread, not if there was the slightest chance that what he had said to her about his love and his affection for her held some truth.
With shaking hands, Merry unfolded the letter and stretched it out in front of her. Having expected it to be filled with words, to have it filled with lines upon lines of his expressions of sorrow, of guilt, and mayhap of love, she was surprised that it only contained a few words. A few words that reached out to her heart, that drew her into his torment and allowed her to linger there.
Forgive me, I beg of you.
Chapter Fifteen
Thomas did not know what to do. Lord Henderson had forced him to attend this ball even though Thomas did not want to even leave his house. Over the last few days, he had done nothing but think of Miss Wells, his heart breaking each and every time he recalled her face as she had looked at him with the full knowledge of what he had done. The agony in her expression had tormented him, the way her gaze had fixed upon his whilst her eyes had filled with tears, burning into his very soul.
Standing idly at the back of the ballroom, Thomas let his gaze travel across the room and found no pleasure in what he saw. Only some weeks ago, he would have been delighted to attend such a gathering. He would have been bounding across the room in an attempt to write his name on as many dance cards as he could, catching the eye of many as he did so. Now, he found such a thought revolting.
“Are you going to be all right, old boy?”
Thomas looked across at his friend, seeing the way that Lord Henderson was watching him with concern. “I shall be perfectly fine,” he replied, without any hope whatsoever. “I just do not know the kind of man I shall be when I have recovered.
”
Lord Henderson slapped him on the back in what Thomas supposed was meant to be an encouraging gesture. “I, for one, think you have improved remarkably, even if Miss Wells now despises you,” he said bluntly. “Although do not allow your dark state of mind to force you to return to the gentleman you once were. I do not think that going back to your carousing and the like–”
“How can I go near another when Miss Wells is all I can think of?” Thomas whirled around, facing Lord Henderson, who looked back at him in surprise. “I cannot remove her from my heart or my mind. She is unlike any lady I have ever met, and as such, I do not want to be without her.” He shrugged, closing his eyes painfully. “And yet, I must,” he finished, his words burning his mouth and adding to his torture. “This holds no pleasure for me now.”
Lord Henderson sighed heavily as Thomas opened his eyes. “Would that I had never encouraged such a wager,” he muttered, passing one hand through his hair. “Then such a thing as this might never have occurred.”
“No,” Thomas replied firmly, rubbing his forehead in the hope it would relieve some of the pain that lingered there. “Had it not occurred, then I would not now be seeing myself as I truly am. I would never have had the opportunity to realize the depths of my foolishness and selfishness. Do not regret it from that perspective, Lord Henderson. I am slowly becoming a better man, and for that, I am grateful.”
Tilting his head, Lord Henderson’s eyes suddenly narrowed. “Have you, as yet, spoken to Lady Reid?” he asked, his voice lowering. “Since she was the one who told Miss Wells the truth, I had wondered if you had confronted her.”
Thomas frowned heavily, his brow furrowing. “I have not seen Lady Reid since that day,” he replied darkly. “Nor do I wish to see her. I fear what I would say should I have that opportunity.”
Lord Henderson jerked his head, his own eyes now holding a faint trace of anger. “She is coming to you now, Weston,” he muttered, his shoulders lifting slightly. “Do you wish me to remove her from your side?”
Thomas stiffened, his fury beginning to burn deep within him. “No,” he said, after a moment, his chin lifting a little. “I shall speak to Lady Reid, Lord Henderson.”
Lord Henderson’s eyes narrowed, fixing themselves to Thomas. “You will not….?” He trailed off, his question remaining unanswered.
“No,” Thomas replied, knowing what Lord Henderson was asking. “No, I shall not make a scene. I shall speak openly and honestly, but I will not draw the attention of those about me. I have no desire to bring any more whispers to Miss Wells’ ears.” That had been the worst of it; knowing that Miss Wells was bearing the brunt of the wagging tongues, the rumors and the gossip that was spreading through London because of his actions.
“I shall make sure to remain by your side, if you have need of me,” Lord Henderson murmured, making Thomas aware that Lady Reid was drawing closer. “Just say the word.”
Thomas managed a tight smile. “I shall be quite all right. Please, do not worry on my account. Go to whichever charming young lady it is that you are tied to.” The music for the next dance began to wind its way across the room, and Thomas gestured for Lord Henderson to step away. “Please, Lord Henderson.”
His friend grimaced, nodded, and then stepped away, leaving Thomas to take in a long breath before turning around to face his adversary.
Lady Reid was as beautiful as ever, her face lifted to his as she drew near. Her blue eyes seemed darker this evening, framed by her dark eyelashes. Her cheeks were a delicate pink, and her fair curls were wound around the top of her head like the halo of an angel. Had it been any other night, Thomas would have admired her gentle curves and the way her gown fell in a most pleasing manner, but tonight, he felt nothing but fury.
“Lady Reid,” he muttered, as the lady came to a stop just a few steps away from him. He could say nothing more, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth as he tried to find a way to say what it was that he felt but finding that the words did not come easily to him.
Lady Reid smiled and batted her eyelashes at him, as though everything was just as it ought to be. “Lord Weston. Good evening. I am glad to see you in amongst society again. I have been looking for you these last three days.”
Thomas, who had not given Lady Reid even a moment’s thought, did not smile.
“I even wrote to you the very shortest of notes,” Lady Reid continued, as though this was something that, ordinarily, was a little below her. “But you did not reply to me, Lord Weston.” She laughed softly and touched his arm. “Most likely, you were too busy dealing with the matters that have arisen after the news of your wager was made known.”
Thomas’s mouth set hard. “A matter which you have complete responsibility, Lady Reid.”
She laughed again, and Thomas felt it grate against his skin.
“Indeed,” she trilled, as though he should have expected as much. “I am just glad that the whole farce has been brought to an end, for finally we can progress with what is to be between us.” Her hand reached out and brushed along his arm, towards his hand, but Thomas stepped back so that her hand dropped to her side. Lady Reid frowned, marring her beauty, as she looked at him with apparent anger.
“You spoke to Miss Wells so as to bring an end to the wager?” Thomas asked, his voice low. “Why would you do such a thing?”
Lady Reid shrugged. “I did warn the creature to stay away from your side, although I did not have any particular thought to the consequences that I threatened her with. How fortunate that I was able to use the news of your wager as such a consequence!” She laughed again, the sound burning Thomas’s anger all the hotter. “And, of course, I could tell by the way she looked at you that she cared deeply for you. It was easy enough to convince the other gentlemen who knew of the wager that you ought to be considered the victor.”
Thomas’s anger began to fade, as he stared at Lady Reid in astonishment. He did not understand the lady in any way, only realizing now just how manipulative and coercive she could be.
“You are the one who had Lord Wiltshire declare himself to be the loser in this wager,” Thomas said hoarsely. “You used your wiles and your schemes to convince those of our acquaintances who discovered the wager – or who knew of it prior to this – that Miss Wells was in love with me and would have accepted my court should I have asked.”
Lady Reid pouted, batting her eyelashes. “Well, I would not have had you lose the wager and therefore have to give your funds to Lord Wiltshire now, would I?” she asked, as though this was to be expected. “I would not have said a word to Miss Wells if I was not confident that I would succeed.”
“But why?” Thomas asked, taking a step closer to her, tension building through him. “Why did you go to such lengths, Lady Reid? Why did you speak to Miss Wells of it in the first place?”
Lady Reid laughed softly and put her hand on his arm, and such was his confusion that Thomas did not immediately brush her off. “Come now, Lord Weston,” she murmured, her eyes alight as she looked at him. “Surely you cannot be as foolish as to pretend that you do not know the reason for my actions.”
“I assure you, Lady Reid, I am entirely at a loss,” Thomas replied, his eyes narrowing and his lip curling. “I beg of you to tell me the truth in its entirety, before I lose my patience.”
After a moment, Lady Reid took her hand from Thomas’s arm, her expression flattening. She no longer batted her eyes nor attempted to flatter him with her coy smiles. Instead, she held his gaze firmly, her shoulders lifting slightly with the strain of what she was to reveal.
“Lady Reid,” Thomas said, his voice filled with warning. “I would have you tell me the truth in all of its entirety.”
“I have been pursuing you,” Lady Reid told him calmly, which had Thomas frowning heavily. “I have sought you, as well you know.”
Thomas shook his head. “No, Lady Reid. When you first approached me, I thought my chances of having your affections were slim. It was only when you continued to enc
ourage me that I thought that I might be in your considerations. It was never you who pursued me.”
Lady Reid sighed heavily and shook her head, as though he were being deliberately foolish. “You are quite ridiculous, Lord Weston. Yes, I allowed and encouraged your attentions, but only because I sought to have you for my own. That has been my intention throughout, but I could not make such a thing plain to you for fear of what you might think.” She sighed and looked away from him, as though he were the one being ridiculous. “Should you discover that I was pursuing you instead of you pursuing me, then what would become of me? Your arrogance would have overcome all sense. You would not have needed to make any effort in order to acquire me. Therefore, I played you, as I do with every gentleman.”
Thomas shook his head, wondering how he had ever allowed himself to become so caught by this lady. “There are plenty of others who would wish to take you under their care,” he told her, not understanding why she had chosen him directly. “You had no need to pursue me.”
Lady Reid held up one hand as though to silence him. “That is not quite true, Lord Weston,” she declared, her words a trifle hesitant. “For it is not your affections nor your protection that I sought, but rather your title and fortune.”
It was as if he had been punched hard in the gut, for Thomas rocked back on his heels with the shock of what Lady Reid had just declared. She did not want his protection or simply to be his mistress. She had wanted to marry him.
“I know that I have often stated that matrimony is not what I have sought,” she continued, somewhat airily. “But the truth is that I have decided that the time has come for me to wed, and therefore, I chose the gentleman who I felt to be the most worthy of me.”
Swallowing hard against the revulsion that rose in his chest, Thomas shook his head and looked at Lady Reid, as though for the first time. She was not beautiful. She was ugly and uninviting. The darkness of her character shone through her outward appearance and made him realize just how black it truly was. He could never go to her now. Not when he had the wonderful Miss Wells in his heart. Miss Wells brought a joy to his heart and a smile to his face, with her firmness of character, her decisiveness, her honest way of speaking, and the kindness and forgiveness she had shown him. She might not claim the same beauty as Lady Reid, but how many times had he caught himself getting lost in her eyes? When he had kissed her, had he not felt such an explosion of emotion that it had fully taken him over? It could never be the same with Lady Reid.