After that, Stephanie started to filter her conversations with us. She rarely mentioned Jimmy, and that meant she was hiding a big part of her life from us. Our friendship could not withstand that. When she announced she was moving to the Island, it was the final nail in the deterioration of our friendship. She was embarrassed that she’d taken back someone who treated her so badly. And we were embarrassed for her. That’s a whole lot of embarrassment.
‘Go on. Say it!’ Stephanie shouted at us both. Her anger was distressing to see.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said. And I truly was.
‘I’m sorry too,’ Katrina said.
Stephanie looked thrown by our comments. ‘That’s not what you both want to say. Go on, just say I told you so, get it out of the way.’
We both kept quiet. There was no joy in being right here.
‘I tried to stay away from him. I know you both think I’m weak, but you don’t understand what it’s like for me. He’s got a hold over me. When I see him, it’s like he’s the magnet and I’m the tin.’
‘We know,’ I said.
‘Don’t think I’m unaware how weak and pathetic I am!’
‘We never thought that,’ I said. But my words sounded thin and transparent. Katrina and I had dozens of conversations where we’d used those very words over the past year.
‘Tell us what happened,’ Katrina said.
‘When he started to date Rita, I meant it when I swore that we were over. I was sick and tired of playing second fiddle to other women. That was a first for him, publicly stating he had another girlfriend. Up until then, he’d said he never wanted to be exclusive with anyone.’
‘Jimmy “I don’t like labels” Del Torio,’ Katrina said. We’d given him that nickname years ago. I couldn’t count the amount of times we’d listened to Stephanie complain that once again he refused to tell everyone that they were dating. I held my breath, expecting Stephanie to get annoyed by Katrina’s comment. But to my surprise she merely nodded.
‘Yep. That’s Jimmy to a T. Remember when you guys moved in with me? We’d be sitting at home, having a drink, eating pizza and I’d have to sit on my hands so I wouldn’t open Facebook just to look at him. At them. Together.’
‘I remember. Once or twice we had to confiscate your phone. No good ever comes from social media stalking,’ I said. I should know that. I’d done enough looking at Dan’s Instagram feed for the past few weeks. Today he’d shared a photograph of Central Park, and it felt like a secret message to me. Silly.
‘But the pull to break that promise was too strong. I can remember watching myself “like” a photograph of him on Facebook, in a kind of out-of-body experience.’
‘Let me guess, a few minutes later he was sliding into your PM’s,’ Katrina said.
Stephanie nodded. ‘I wish I didn’t love him. He’s ruined my life! But I can’t seem to get him out of my system. From that very first day in high school, when he smiled at me, flashing his big, white teeth – whiter than mine – I was bedazzled by them, by him, by the sheer chemistry that fizzed between us. My mam said afterwards that a man with teeth that white couldn’t be trusted. She was right. But it was too late for me by that point.’
‘We’re not fifteen any more, Stephanie,’ I said to her. ‘You can’t keep doing this to yourself. Jimmy is never going to change, you know that. He showed you who he was over ten years ago. I know you kept telling us we didn’t know him like you. But honestly, to be so cruel as to get engaged and let you find out like that? When he knows how much you love him. It’s unconscionable.’
Stephanie welled up again and we sat in silence for a moment.
‘It’s not just Jimmy who is a shithead though. I knowingly kept seeing him, sleeping with him, while watching him on Facebook and Instagram with Rita. What does that make me?’
‘So much drama,’ Katrina said, shaking her head. ‘We need drink.’ She walked over to the fridge and rummaged around until she found a bottle of wine. ‘No beer, but this will do.’ She opened the bottle and poured three glasses, handing one to each of us.
‘You can’t beat yourself up about this. You have been dating him for a decade and he kept you dangling. This is all on him, as far as I’m concerned,’ I pointed out.
‘He swore that he was going to leave Rita. He said he wanted me and nobody else.’
‘He had his cake and he was eating it. He wanted the best of both worlds. Why would he leave her, when you would have him too?’ Katrina said.
‘I’m so pathetic. I hate myself. I wish I could …’
‘Could what?’ I asked, the hairs on my arms rising in worry.
‘Disappear. I don’t want to be me any more.’
Katrina and I looked at each other in alarm. We inched our chairs closer towards her.
‘You don’t want to be the Stephanie that hurts right now. There’s a difference. But you are a kind, funny, lovely person that is loved by so many.’
‘Not by Jimmy?’ she whispered in a question, almost to herself as much as to us.
‘No, not by Jimmy,’ Katrina agreed, and I nodded too. Our chairs moved another inch towards her. I put my arms around her tiny frame from one side, then Katrina did the same from the other.
‘We love you though,’ Katrina said as she brushed a tear away from her face. A big softie at heart, who hid that behind what could be abrasive comments. I felt a sudden rush of love for these two women, my BFF’s, my amigos.
Stephanie slumped into our arms. It was a physical give and an admission that she needed us. We sat like that for a long time, in a tangled knot of friendship. We cried. We cursed Jimmy and Rita and every man who had ever hurt us. And it was cathartic.
Katrina topped our drinks up and remarked that we’d need to do a booze-run soon, when the bottle emptied.
‘I’ve tequila in the freezer,’ Stephanie said.
‘That’ll do.’ Katrina jumped up to get it.
‘I’ve told him so many times that it was over. I’d wallow in my misery, then cave in, late at night, and message him. It was always so idyllic when he came back to me. He was so kind and gentle with me. So passionate. But this time, I know it’s over. Even I have my standards and I can’t pretend any longer that I’m OK with being his emotional punchbag. It’s just . . I don’t know how I’ll live without him.’
‘You made the choice to get into the relationship so you can make the choice to get out of it too,’ I said.
‘I had an affair with married man,’ Katrina announced as she walked back to us.
‘Shut the front door!’ I said, as Stephanie screamed one of her ‘Oh-My-God’s.
Katrina smiled, delighted with our shocked reaction. ‘I met him at a conference in Boston a year ago, at the bar in the hotel. He was younger than me. I told him he was too young, but he said that while he might be younger, he was also what I would like. He was right because I did like. I liked it when his hand touched my shoulder, sliding down my arm in a gentle caress that promised so much more. I liked it when he said my name, a whisper in my ear. And I liked it when we fell into a hotel room less than an hour after we met and had sex.’
‘I think I’ve read that story in one of my Harlequin romances,’ Stephanie said.
‘Very funny,’ Katrina said.
I could not believe that Katrina had withheld this information from me. We confided in each other, always. I shoved away the thought that this wasn’t strictly true any more for me.
We all had our secrets.
‘I told myself that I hadn’t known he was married. But that was a lie. He didn’t hide the jewellery that laid a claim on him by another. He never mentioned her and I didn’t ask. Not that first night, anyhow. I suppose our affair began like a fantasy and I kept it like that.’ She shrugged in her Katrina way. ‘I wish I could go back to the beginning. I would still sleep with him. That was inevitable. But I’d leave it at that one time. No expectations, just sex. Pure and simple. Well, maybe not so pure.’
‘How long did it
go on for?’ Stephanie asked.
‘About six months. I am ashamed of it. I should not have disrespected his wife. Which is why I do not speak of it. But I’m telling you now, so you can see that I understand how easy it is to get sucked into a situation.’
‘Wow,’ I said, taking another drink. ‘Who knew my two best friends were such harlots?’
They clinked glasses with each other.
‘Is it over now?’ I asked Katrina.
‘I did not like myself when we were together. So yes, it is over.’
‘That’s how I feel too. I’ve spent most of the past ten years feeling guilty. I can’t keep doing this to myself. Going over and over the past year. I made a mistake, I paid highly for it. And now it’s time to draw a line under it.’
We all clinked our glasses to that too.
‘It’s OK for you,’ Stephanie said to me. ‘You have Dan. Even though I’ve only met him once, I could tell he is the perfect man.’
‘Before you say any more on that subject, you should know that they broke up,’ Katrina said.
‘No!’ Stephanie was clearly shocked by this news. ‘What happened?’
‘Do not start the war. She won’t talk about it, other than to say it’s over,’ Katrina said.
I tried to zone out my friends as Katrina told Stephanie how amazing Dan was and how foolish I was to let him go.
‘What did he do? Did he turn out to be a cheat too? Is that it?’ Stephanie asked.
‘What makes you think he was to blame? Maybe it was me. Maybe I realized that I didn’t love him any more.’
‘And that would be fine if she had not spent weeks moping since then. There are weird things going on with Bea,’ Katrina told Stephanie.
‘Hey, I’m right here!’ I wasn’t comfortable with the way the subject was changing from Stephanie’s love life to mine.
‘You need to tell Stephanie about the time-capsule letters,’ Katrina said.
I tried to kick her in an effort to shut her up, but I got the leg of the table instead. Bloody well hurt too.
‘Are you talking about those letters from school? I’d forgotten all about them until mine arrived in the post. My letter was basically a love letter stating how much I loved Jesse. You know, from Full House.’
‘You wanted to move to San Francisco to be near him!’ I remembered.
‘I should have done that. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation.’
‘Can I see your letter?’ I asked.
‘I threw it in the bin. God, do you remember that day? Rudy Giuliani came to the school and we all had to tell him what we’d do if we were mayor for the day. What was in your letter?’
‘Mine was full of things about you, Stephie, and our friendship. How we’ll always be …’
‘BFFs forever,’ she finished, giving me a shy-smile. Progress.
‘Speaking of the letters, Bea’s one is magic.’ I gave Katrina a look that I hoped she understood meant Keep your mouth shut. She responded by sticking her tongue out at me.
‘What are you going on about?’ Stephanie looked confused.
‘Nothing,’ I answered quickly.
‘It’s OK. I’m used to you both having secrets, leaving me out of things. Some things never change.’ Stephanie chucked back a shot of tequila, gasping after she’d swallowed it.
‘No one is leaving anyone out. But if I tell you, you’ll only think I’m crazy.’
‘Hey, you haven’t judged me for being a fool about Jimmy. Hit me with your worst crazy.’
‘You haven’t heard what she’s got to say yet. You better refill our shot glasses.’ Katrina held hers out.
I realized I wanted to tell Stephanie. It felt good to have the gang back together again and I didn’t want there to be any secrets between us. ‘Do you remember the night of your sixteenth birthday?’
‘Of course I remember.’
‘I had my first cigarette that night.’
‘Did you?’ Stephanie asked. ‘I don’t remember that.’
‘I did,’ I said firmly.
‘Funny, I don’t remember you as a smoker in school. Me, I was the proverbial under-the-bleachers smoker.’
‘Well I did. I only gave up recently.’
‘If you say so.’ And then Stephanie and Katrina gave a look to each other that basically conveyed that I was indeed crazier than Joe Exotic, on a good day.
Stephanie had been my last hope to remember that I had been a smoker before the letters arrived. The unravelling thread I’d been trying to hold onto for days began to flutter away from me again.
‘What is it?’ Stephanie asked, alarm on her face. Now it was me who needed comfort.
‘I thought that there was a cover-up. That you were all in on it together.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Stephanie said.
‘Welcome to my world,’ Katrina replied. ‘Wait till she tells you about the messages.’
‘Either I’m losing it. Or … my letters have magic powers.’ I waited until Stephanie stopped giggling when she realized I wasn’t joking. Then I told her everything. From New Year’s Eve, up to the last message I’d received this morning. When I’d finished my tale, Stephanie exhaled a long breath, then said to Katrina, ‘That is bat-shit crazy.’
‘It is too much weirdness for me to deal with on my own. So you cannot disappear again. I need you.’
‘There’s a sentence I never thought I’d hear you say, Petrovic!’ Stephanie said. She refilled our glasses with tequila and we clinked once more.
Then Stephanie held her glass up towards us both in a toast: ‘To BFFs and all their weirdness.’
‘BFFs and their weirdness,’ Katrina said. They both looked at me.
‘BFFs and their weirdness and dirty affairs,’ I added, sticking my tongue out at them both. And as they happily toasted to that, I felt a little lighter. A problem shared really was a problem halved. Somehow, now I didn’t feel so bad. I had two friends who were on my side, despite the obvious crazy town I had found myself in.
‘I’m glad you’re here. I’ve kept you away for so long because I couldn’t bear to have you judge me,’ Stephanie admitted.
‘We never judged you. Him, yes. But not you. But we did worry about you. We still do,’ I said.
‘Promise us that it’s over this time, though. Really over?’ Katrina asked.
Stephanie nodded, with a look of sorrow on her face that made me want to cry. She loved this man. And I understood what it was like to say goodbye to someone you loved. While it might be the right thing to do, it didn’t make it any easier to cope with.
18
BEA
February 2020
Family Finders Agency, 57th Street, Manhattan
‘You busy?’ Katrina asked. She carried on hovering outside my door until I nodded to the chair in front of my desk. We had only one hard and fast rule in the agency: no interrupting when someone’s head was down working on a case, unless it was code red.
She sat down and looked at me closely. ‘Something else is going on with you. I have not worked out what it is yet. But I will.’
‘You don’t think the letter stuff is weird enough?’
‘No I don’t.’ Katrina knew me better than anyone else. She was the keeper of all of my secrets. She was also an excellent investigator because she missed nothing. Time to deflect.
‘You know everything, oh friend of mine. There’ve been no more messages from the letter, so I reckon that’s the end of all that nonsense.’
‘Just like that?’
‘Yes. Just like that.’ But there was one problem with my master plan. No matter where I placed the letter, I couldn’t stop thinking about its contents, over and over. Last night I’d tossed and turned for hours, my mind bombarded with flashes of highly charged arguments I’d had with Corinne, Dad’s ex-girlfriend, when I was a kid. Those moments are the ones that I’m most ashamed of. The things I said and did to her were awful. And for what? Because I was scared that Dad loved her more than me.<
br />
‘I say piss and shit, Bea. You are hiding something else. The frown is bigger on your face now. More creases. And you are not done with the letter. Do not tell me what you think I want to hear.’
‘Jeez, you know how to make a friend feel good,’ I said, while simultaneously trying to uncrease my forehead. That was harder than it sounded.
Karl jumped down from her lap and started sniffing my plant pot.
‘I swear to God, if he pees over there again …’
Katrina ignored me, not giving one hoot about Karl and his habit of cocking his leg whenever the urge hit him. When I suggested that she leave her dog at home when she came to work, it hadn’t gone down well. ‘Where I go, Karl goes.’ The only exception to that was on Fridays, when he stayed at home because of our weekly trip to Cassidy’s for karaoke. ‘For what it’s worth, I think letter is not finished with you. There is more you must look into.’
‘Another chicken hunt?’ I said.
‘Yes. The letter sent you to Stephanie. Maybe it needs to send you to someone else now.’
‘Well as it happens, I do keep thinking about Corinne,’ I said.
‘I liked her. For a teacher, she was OK.’
‘I liked her too. But the dating-my-dad bit, not so much. I was such a bitch to her.’
‘You were. I think maybe she is your new chicken. But you must forget for now, because we have new client. Olive Spadoni. She looks like she’s living on her nerves. My money is on her being a crier. Can you take?’
Katrina hated the criers. ‘Send her in. And thank you, Katrina, you’re always here for me. I appreciate your concern. But I’m fine.’
‘Maybe you fool others with your “I am fine” rubbish. But I see. You have not been fine for weeks now. And I’m not talking about Dan. We will talk soon, before your forehead turns to old lady. Oh, I think you will need these.’ She threw some tissues at me, then smirked as she walked out. I didn’t mind crying, per se, but it did make my job harder to get to the truth in between all the boohoos.
The Moon Over Kilmore Quay Page 13