‘I know the feeling. I’m sorry if I gave you a shock, turning up out of the blue.’
‘It’s fine. It’s a good shock.’ There was a quiet confidence about her. She was cool and I liked her vibe.
‘How’s Ryan?’
‘He’s good. He said to say hi. I just had a WhatsApp from him.’
‘He was a good friend to me the summer I spent in New York. I’ve followed his career. I’m glad things worked out well for him with his books.’
‘He’s a good man.’ I cringed inwardly. My chitchat was appalling. We fell into another awkward silence.
‘You said before that you came here to find out more about your mom? After all this time, why now?’
That was a big question and difficult to answer. ‘I put Mom, and I suppose you too, in a box under my bed. And I left you there, occasionally peeping in every now and then. It was time to take you all out of the box. I’ve spent my life trying to make a connection with a ghost. And it’s not enough any more.’
‘I get that.’ Lucy said. ‘And I’m happy to help you fill in some of the blanks.’
‘When I was small, I wanted to be like her so badly. I used to ask Dad and my grandparents endless questions about all parts of her life. What was her favourite colour? When they told me it was blue, that meant blue became my favourite too. Dad said she loved anything by Whitney Houston or Celine Dion. My Spotify list became filled with power ballads from the Nineties. What perfume did she wear?’ I blurted all this out in one breathless rush.
Lucy smiled and didn’t seem phased by my questions. ‘Maeve did love blue and she used to sing “Where does my heart beat now?” every morning in the shower. Off-key, I might add.’
‘Bea has a lovely voice,’ Stephanie said.
‘You must get that from your dad. He used to sing a lot back in the day. At parties and things in Innisfree. Do you still live there?’
‘Yep. Dad and Uncle Mike too. I’m in the basement. Dad converted it to a studio apartment for me a few years ago.’
She smiled, ‘I loved that house. I had a lot of happy times there with your grandparents. They were like second parents to me for a while.’
‘What did Maeve smell like? Bea is particularly interested in hearing that.’ Stephanie said, trying to be helpful, but making me sound like a crazy woman.
Lucy jumped up, telling me she’d be back in a moment. She ran behind the bar and out the door towards, I guessed, her home. And was back in less than a minute, clutching a bottle in her hand. ‘Opium Eau de Parfum, by Yves Saint Laurent. Maeve wore this every day. Ever since she was sixteen. She thought it smelt sexy and provocative. And it did on her. When I tried it, it felt like I was playing dress-up with my mam’s things. On the days when I can’t stop thinking about her, I spray some of this into the air and it brings her back to me.’
I sprayed the perfume onto my wrist and inhaled the spicy scent and for a moment, it brought my mom back to me too. ‘Why did Mom emigrate to America? Was she unhappy here in Ireland?’
Lucy shook her head. ‘Nope. She, we, had a great childhood. We lived next door to the pub, in a small cottage. It’s my home now. It never felt small to us. Because we had this place. Nellie’s. But Maeve always wanted to travel. We used to go to the flicks every Saturday afternoon with Michelle. We didn’t have multiplex cinemas back when we were kids, so there was only one option. But we didn’t care what the movie was, we still went regardless.’
‘What kind of things did you watch?’
‘We all loved anything set in America. Big with Tom Hanks, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, E.T., Back to the Future! They were all hits with us because they were so different to the life we had in rural Ireland. Everything about America seemed especially exotic. Maeve wanted a piece of it more than Michelle and I did. I think, sitting in the middle row – always the middle – that’s where she first began to daydream about emigrating.’
‘It was the opposite for me. I used to dream about moving over here to Ireland when I was little. I asked Dad often could we come to visit, but there was always a reason why we couldn’t make it.’
‘Life has a way of getting in the way,’ Lucy said.
‘Dad said you both trained to be teachers.’
‘Even though I was ten months younger than Maeve, we started school at the same time. We always did everything together. I don’t think we really knew what we wanted to be when we left school, so we decided to do an Arts degree.’
‘Did you like university?’
A look came over Lucy’s face, of nostalgia and happiness. ‘One of the best times of our life. We shared a flat with Michelle. And we lived on Pot Noodles, instant coffee and Blue Nun wine. Oh and Jammie Dodgers. Your mom loved the jam and cream ones.’
‘I don’t think I’ve ever had one!’
‘You haven’t lived,’ Lucy said with a smile. ‘We partied hard, but we worked hard too.’
‘Did Mom have a boyfriend back then?’
‘Nobody serious. Her first love was this eejit …’
‘Dad loves that word. He uses it a lot.’
‘I remember that,’ Lucy said. ‘Well, Irish idiots or eejits as we call them, there was a fair whack of them around here. Maeve fell for this guy called Tomas. He liked to refer to himself as the “T-man”. I mean, that alone should have warned her that he was an …’
‘Eejit …’ I said.
‘Exactly. But she couldn’t be told. She wasted a whole summer on him and his shenanigans. Until she caught him red-handed with Gorgeous Gloria.’
‘Gorgeous Gloria?’
‘Yep. That’s what we called her, at least. She was fierce, glamorous and always looked great. But she’d been dumped by her boyfriend and her self-esteem must have taken a hammering, ’cos she lowered her standards – and her knickers – for the T-man.’
As my friends and I laughed, I realized that I had relaxed. I was enjoying myself, chatting to Lucy. She was everything and more that I’d hoped she would be.
‘Was she devastated by his cheating?’
‘Her ego was damaged, but that’s all. She didn’t love him. But we did have to go through a week of her mooning around the flat, looking miserable. Then we heard about the Morrison visas and over a bottle of Blue Nun – we were partial to it because it was cheap – we decided we’d go for it. We applied thinking we wouldn’t have a chance in hell of getting one. But fate was on our side. Both Maeve and I were pulled out of the visa hat and got our green cards.’
‘What about Michelle?’
‘No, she didn’t get one. But she didn’t mind. She’d fallen in love with Tadgh – her husband – by then.’
‘And my mom met my dad that summer?’
The same pinched look came over her face again. Should I just ask her what the issue was? I was afraid it might spook her.
‘Yeah. They met that summer.’
‘Were your parents upset when Mom married an American?’
‘Dad had died by then. And Mam wasn’t well. She never got over Dad’s death. But she had grown used to the idea of us living in New York. She knew that, for Maeve in particular, there was nothing for us in Ireland. There were hundreds of thousands unemployed here at the time. A lot of people bailed out, like we did.’
We both fell into silence here. Not awkward, more sad, because neither of us needed to say what we were thinking. Mom’s future was shortened because of her move to the US. If she’d stayed in Ireland, she would most likely be alive now.
‘It was life-changing for you all,’ I said.
‘You could say that.’
‘Dad said you two were close.’
‘She was my other half. My life. My almost twin. I miss her, Bea. Every day of every week of every year, I miss Maeve. The pain never goes away.’
‘I miss her too. I’m sure you think that’s stupid as I didn’t know her. But I feel like I did.’
‘Of course you do. She loved you. With every ounce of her being, she loved you. From the mome
nt she found out that she was pregnant.’
‘The thing is, Lucy, I don’t understand why you didn’t stay in America to be with her, with me?’
‘It was complicated. I loved your mom, but I had a broken heart. I couldn’t stay in New York. Plus Mam needed me.’
This was news to me. Dad had never mentioned any hearts being broken. ‘I’m sorry to hear that. Even so, it must have been hard for you to say goodbye to Mom.’ My instincts were pushing me to keep peck, peck, pecking.
‘It was the toughest, most heartbreaking goodbye I’ve ever made.’
‘Do you regret coming home, or was it the right thing to do?’
‘You ask a lot of questions,’ Lucy said.
‘Sorry.’ But I wasn’t in the least sorry. I wanted to know everything.
‘Tell me about your life,’ Lucy said, switching lanes. ‘Do you have a boyfriend?’
‘No.’
‘She could have. A guy from Wexford called Dan loves her and she loves him,’ Katrina said.
‘Tell me more.’
Katrina and Stephanie started spilling their guts, telling Lucy all about Dan and how good we were together.
‘Sounds like you two had a good thing,’ Lucy said.
‘For a while, yes.’
‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out.’
‘Me too.’
The door to the bar squeaked open and we all watched a tall, sandy-haired man enter. He walked over to us and flashed a smile at each of us. ‘Howya.’
We all chorused hellos. He propped his elbow on Lucy’s shoulder as he gave the three of us the once-over. Stephanie and Katrina both sat up straighter and started to mess with their hair, the way they did whenever a good-looking man was in their vicinity.
Gran used to have this saying, about something taking the wind out of her sails, when she was surprised.
Well, the wind was whipping up a storm.
This stranger turned to Lucy and said, ‘Are you going to introduce me to your friends, Mam?’
36
BEA
February 2020
Nellie’s Pub, Kilmore Quay, Wexford
‘This is my son, Mark.’ She swallowed and then added, ‘And this is your cousin, Bea. She’s Maeve’s daughter. These are her two friends, Katrina and Stephanie.’
He took meeting us in his stride, as if meeting long-lost cousins happened every day of the week. The rest of us though were all having loud reactions. Katrina gasped. Stephanie had another Oh-My-God moment. And Lucy went silent and pale in the way that I’d already learned was her thing. Me? Well, I forgot to breathe for a moment, and it was only when I felt light-headed that I exhaled a loud, rasping breath.
‘Great to meet you.’ He held his hand out to shake mine. Then he laughed out loud, one of those laughs that belonged to the confident. It was a nice sound. ‘Feck that. It’s not every day I get to meet a new cousin. Give us a hug.’ He pulled me into his arms. I felt awkward and shy. Katrina and Stephanie shook his hand and said their hellos. And all the while Lucy watched me. Why the hell hadn’t she mentioned a son earlier?
I’ve spent my life being told that I’m the image of my mother, and my aunt too. I’ve always taken it as the highest compliment. It was a badge of honour to look like them. Growing up, Dad always grumbled, insisting his DNA was in me somewhere. And if anyone said I looked like him, he’d whoop with delight. Genetics were a funny thing. Dad was the image of Grandad, who by all accounts was the image of his own dad. When they were out and about, people would say, ‘Well you can’t deny him, Joe!’ Almost identical features, down to the cleft on their chin and the cowlick in their hair that refused to be tamed, no matter how much product was used.
‘I’m parched. Can I have a beer, Mam?’ Mark asked.
The curious thing was, he didn’t look like Lucy in the least.
‘Sure. I’ll get another round. Hugh, he’s our bar manager, will be here in a minute. I called him to give us time to chat,’ Lucy told us.
‘I’ll give you a hand carrying the drinks,’ Stephanie said.
‘Me too,’ Katrina added, leaving me on my own with my cousin.
‘It’s crazy how much you look like my mam,’ Mark said, peering at me closely.
‘You, however, don’t look like her in the least.’
A shadow passed over his face. ‘I must look like my dad, I suppose. Not that I’ve ever met him.’
‘I know how much that sucks. I never knew my mom.’
‘Yeah it does, right? My dad might as well be dead, I suppose. Because Mam doesn’t know who he is.’ He leaned into me and whispered, ‘Don’t say this to her, she’s doesn’t like to talk about it. But she had a one-night stand with a guy and never got more than his first name.’
‘I won’t say a word. Will you excuse me? Back in a minute.’
I walked over to the bar, a gunslinger reaching for her weapon.
‘The shit is about to hit …’ Katrina said.
‘The fan …’ Stephanie finished.
‘So not just me then?’ I asked them.
‘Nope. Not just you,’ Katrina replied.
‘You OK?’ Stephanie asked.
‘Nope.’ I turned towards Lucy and told her that I needed a word.
Lucy handed the drinks to the girls, then motioned for me to follow her out the back.
‘I was about to tell you about your cousin, when he arrived home.’
‘Were you going to tell me why the hell my cousin looks exactly like my dad? Because I can only think of one explanation for that. And that cannot be.’
37
BEA
February 2020
Nellie’s Pub, Kilmore Quay, Wexford
‘You don’t understand,’ Lucy said.
‘So explain.’
‘You can’t tell Mark.’
Lucy looked desperate. And so she should. ‘Why not? The guy deserves to know the truth. He’s just said to me that he doesn’t know who his father is and how much that sucks. But you know who his father is. I want to hear you say it. Mark’s my brother.’ Silence. ‘Answer me!’ I demanded.
‘Yes. But you don’t understand.’
‘So you keep saying. How could you do that to my mom? Your own sister!’ I was so angry I wanted to hit her. I took a step backwards because I was afraid that I might actually follow through with what I was thinking.
‘Will you let me explain? Please. I deserve the chance to do that.’
‘Does my father know about Mark?’
‘No!’
I didn’t know whether to be relieved or sad about this. It would be horrific to think Dad had ignored his own flesh and blood for all this time. But how bloody sad that he’d missed out on seeing his son grow up. I’d always wanted a brother. And all along I had one.
‘What age is Mark?’
Lucy flushed red, two dark splashes of shame on her cheeks. ‘He’s twenty-seven.’
The same age as me, which could only mean one thing. ‘You had an affair with my father. What kind of a woman does that make you!’
Lucy slumped onto the sofa behind her, her head hung low. ‘It wasn’t me who had the affair.’
‘What does that even mean?’ My hands felt clammy and my heart began to race.
‘Ryan was my boyfriend. We were together for months before he married Maeve. He loved me, not her. We had a life together, a planned future. He was going to propose. Then my dad died and Maeve and I came home to the funeral. Mam needed me, so I stayed on, but Maeve went back to Brooklyn. While I was here, taking care of my mother, they slept with each other. I had no idea. And when I returned to New York, they didn’t say a word.’
The shock felt like a hard slap across my face. My knees began to shake and I fell beside my aunt on the sofa.
‘Ryan broke me, Bea. When I needed him to be strong, to put me first, he jumped into bed with my sister. I was so excited to see him. I’d missed him more than I could ever have imagined was possible. And all the while he had betrayed me in t
he worst way. I was oblivious to it all, letting him back into my bed.’
My father had always been a man of honour. I couldn’t equate the man I’d known my entire life with this version Lucy shared with me.
‘Maeve found out she was pregnant. I assumed it was her on-off boyfriend’s baby. But then one day I walked in on her and Ryan during an argument, and they had no choice but to admit that they’d slept together. Just the once, a drunken mistake, by all accounts. Ryan called in at our apartment for a notebook he’d left there. He found Maeve crying. They had a drink together, one thing led to another, blah, blah, blah.’
I could hardly believe what I was hearing. For my whole life, I’d thought I was the result of a great love story. When all along it was a drunken illicit fumble.
‘They stole my future on that night. They both cried and begged me to forgive them. Ryan said it was me he loved and he’d spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. Maeve said she’d move out, she’d leave Brooklyn. She said she’d do anything to make it right. My head literally melted as I listened to them both run through scenarios that might make me forgive them.’
I couldn’t imagine the horror my aunt must have gone through – all at the cruel hands of my parents. I’d come to Ireland to find the ghost of my mom. But it appeared in her place I’d found a brother.
‘I did consider forgiving him. I loved him. And I thought maybe we could get through it. But I also knew my sister. She loved her unborn baby. And Ryan’s family would want to know his baby. And I knew Ryan too. He would want to do the right thing and be part of the baby – your – life. How could I deny you a family – and Ryan’s family was one of the very best. I moved out and stayed with my manager Mick, from the Woodside Steakhouse that I worked in. And eventually, after a few days of sleeping on his sofa, I realized that there was nothing left for me in New York. I came home to Ireland. I told Maeve and Ryan that I never wanted to see them again. I meant it at the time. They hurt me so much.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘What are you sorry for? You didn’t do this. This was all on them. It was the worst time of my life. I didn’t eat or sleep for weeks. Mam wasn’t much use to me either; she was still in a heap about Dad.’
The Moon Over Kilmore Quay Page 25