by Carian Cole
Chapter 46
Skylar
“Lucky…”
Startled, I put Gus down and stare at Jude, leaning against the doorframe like he’s done a hundred times before, but I’ve never seen the look on his face that I do right now.
He looks like I just kicked him in the gut.
“Wh-what are you doing home?” I ask, trying to catch my breath.
“I was worried about you.” His jaw muscles twitch and clench.
Spinning around, I grab the lottery ticket from the middle of my bed and hold it up with an excited smile.
“Holy shit, Jude… you’re not going to believe this. I just won two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Look!” I wave the ticket around like a lunatic. “I found the card you left me when I had surgery, the cat must have knocked it behind my bed that day. The ticket was inside… I didn’t even know it was there.”
“So, you’re leaving? Never looking back.” His voice is stone cold.
My stomach drops. “What? No, I—”
The fallen look on his face rips my heart apart. Every ounce of excitement I had goes up in flames and disintegrates with the realization of what my words must’ve sounded like to him.
“No,” I say, shaking my head rapidly. “I didn’t mean it like that. Not at all.”
His eyes pin me from across the room, hard with a tragic resignation that stabs at my very soul. “Really?” he says. “Pretty sure you said blow this town and everyone in it and never look back.”
“I wasn’t even thinking. I was so shocked and excited,” I say quickly. “And I thought you’d be, too. Half this money is yours. This is life changing for both of us!”
He shakes his head and his hair tumbles into his face. He flicks it out of his eyes with a quick jerk. “I don’t want it. You can fuckin’ keep all of it.”
Turning, he storms to his room and shuts the door with such quiet finality, it sends a chill up my spine.
Undeterred, I march down the hall and open his door. Privacy and boundaries be damned. We’re beyond that at this point.
I find him standing by the window, staring outside and playing with the lighter I gave him for Christmas. Lighting it, then slamming the cover over the flame. I can feel the depth of all the emotions coming off him like heat from a fire.
Anger.
Disappointment.
Heartache.
It’s all right there, smoldering.
Slowly approaching him, I touch his arm. “Jude...” When he flinches away from my touch, a massive boulder of emotion rolls up into my throat, nearly suffocating me. “I don’t want to leave you.” I swallow hard as my voice crackles and trembles.
“That’s not what you said.”
“For God’s sake. I was talking to my cat. I was completely freaking out with shock. I just won the lottery! For years my ultimate goal has been to somehow get out of this town and away from all the shitty people who’ve hurt me. You know that.”
He throws a quick glance at me. “I guess now you can do it.”
I’m so confused.
I don’t understand why he’s acting upset. This is what he wanted. We’re not together. We both decided that was best.
So why is he acting like I’m leaving him? And why do I feel like I’m leaving him?
“This isn’t fair,” I say. “Why are you upset? Even your plan was that I was supposed to leave once I got on my feet. Things have been up and down and back and forth between us. You’ve never said you wanted me to stay.” Tears start tracking down my cheeks. “Tell me what you want.”
“Maybe neither one of us knows what we want,” he says quietly.
I don’t know how to respond to that. Despite what’s supposedly “right” for us, I still want to be with him.
“This is a turning point for both of us,” I finally say. “Take your half of the money. Buy your uncle’s bar. This could change your whole life. And mine. It’s a huge fucking gift.”
“And what are you going to do?”
I don’t know. He’s not saying the words I need to hear. I want to stay here. Stay married to him. Be part of his family and the bar and build a life with him. I want to take photography and photojournalism classes online. I want to see if I can be a social media influencer.
But I can do those things from anywhere. From here—or from the RV I’ve always dreamed of—or from anywhere. He’s the only thing that would keep me in this town, and I’ll happily stay. I can ignore the demons that lurk here if it means being with him.
If he would just say he wants me to stay!
“I don’t know.” My voice wavers with emotion. “I guess if I won this money, there’s no reason for us to be married anymore, and there’s no reason for me to live here. I can pay you back everything you spent to help me, and I can leave.”
Every word is like poison on my lips. Burning, making me sick. But I don’t know what else to do to get a reaction out of him.
He continues to look out the window and rocks on his heels. “I guess you’re right.”
I stare at his back, hoping he’ll turn around and look at me and tell me he wants me to stay. That our age difference doesn’t matter and he wants us to take this money and make all our dreams come true together.
Where is the man who dropped everything when I needed him, flirted with me, and touched my hand earlier?
The silence between us becomes unbearably painful.
“Then you can have your lawyer draw up our divorce papers,” I say, and I leave the room feeling totally abandoned.
Again.
My favorite Ashes & Embers song lyrics come to mind:
“Baby, I can only take you so far
and the rest… the rest is up to you
But I can’t wait forever,
because every day takes me further away
And someday, it might be too late
for me to hear what you have to say”
Chapter 47
Jude
“You dropped out?” I follow her up to her room. She tosses her book bag onto the bed like she never wants to touch it again.
She’s wearing my favorite fringe suede jacket today, and I love the way the fringe swings as she turns to me with fire in her eyes. So much sass and beauty, just like the day we met.
“I didn’t drop out. After being held back when I was younger, I was able to take some Advanced Placement courses when I started high school. You can test out of them and graduate early. I took the test, I passed, I graduated.”
I’m surprised she did this without telling me. She usually talks to me about everything. Or at least she did, until everything crumbled.
“Isn’t that a big decision? Why didn’t you talk to me about this?”
She cocks her head at me. “Seriously? We’ve hardly said two words to each other this past week. You shut down, not me.”
It’s true.
My head’s been a fucking mess.
Her winning the lottery was a blessing and a curse. She was right—the money is life changing. My half is giving me the opportunity to buy Uncle Al’s bar. I’m finishing up all my scheduled construction jobs and getting the hell out of that life. In less than three months, I’ll be dissolving my business and starting an entirely new venture.
Her half of the money has given her exactly what she’s always wanted. What I was trying to give her from the beginning.
Freedom.
A safe place to live.
Medical care.
She doesn’t need my help anymore. She can have all that without me. But I’m still struggling big time. With the age difference. With not wanting her to go. With not knowing what to do or say. With being afraid of loving her—then losing her someday.
“So, you’re done with school?” I ask.
She sits on her reading chair in the corner to pull off her shoes, and looks up at me. “Yes. Today was my last day.”
I feel like this is my fault, too. I can see her grandfather looking down at us in disappointment,
pointing a finger at me.
“I wish you’d talked to me before you went and did this.”
She sighs. “Jude, it’s done. I graduated. I get a diploma. It’s no big deal, lots of kids do it. I just couldn’t deal with the constant shit from Paige and her little yappy dogs bullying me all day long. You were cool and popular in high school; you have no idea what it’s like. The anxiety of it all was making me physically sicker.”
I’ve noticed her taking more of the antacids, supplements, and anxiety pills. There’s been extra visits to her therapist and dietician. She spends more time alone in her room.
It’s been ripping my heart out.
The whole “set the person you love free” thing has weighed heavily on my mind.
I don’t want her to stay here—in this town, in this relationship—for me. I want her to stay because everything here is what she wants. It can’t just be for me. I want her to feel fulfilled in every way—in love, in life, in whatever career she chooses.
I want her to have all the things a young girl should have, not just in life, but in a relationship. Magical dates, an engagement, a real wedding.
She didn’t get any of that with me.
“What are you going to do?” I ask.
She throws her hands up. “Jump start my life, I guess? I’m going to take some online photography, marketing, and photojournalism classes. And I’ve decided to go visit my dad. I’m driving out to see him tomorrow. I’m not sure how long I’ll be staying—a week, maybe a month. I’m taking Gus with me. Is it okay if I leave my things here until I get back? Then I’ll look for a studio apartment and decide what I want to do next. I’m still thinking about my RV.”
I feel like she just hit me with a freight train with all her plans.
And she’s leaving tomorrow.
I nod, despite the fact that the moving out and moving on part is shredding my guts. “That all sounds great. I’m proud of you. You can leave your stuff here as long as you need to. There’s no rush.”
She huffs and pushes her hair out of her face, clearly taking my response as a sign I want her to go.
“I’d rather just get everything taken care of as soon as I can,” she says.
I watch her pull two big suitcases out of her closet. She must have bought them in the past few days, because she didn’t have them when she moved in.
“Where does your dad live?”
“He’s in Connecticut.”
I assumed he lived nearby, not almost three hours away.
“Are you okay with driving that far by yourself?”
She raises her chin with confidence I’m not really sure she feels. “It’s not that far, I’ll be fine. I’m renting a car so I don’t put a bunch of miles on your car. When I get back to town, I want my Corvette back.”
Uh oh.
“Are you staying in a hotel, or with him?”
She takes some shirts out of her dresser and lays them in the open suitcase. “I’m going to stay at his house. They have four bedrooms.”
I swallow and try not to let my voice sound as worried as I feel. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
“He’s my father, Jude. He’s remarried. I did a video chat with him and his new wife. They both seem really nice and surprisingly normal, which is what I need right now.”
I’m afraid she’s running away. A few weeks ago, she was leery of her father, and unsure if she even wanted to talk to him again. Now she’s going to stay with him for an indefinite amount of time, and she’s acting all nonchalant about it—like it’s no big deal—when I know damn well it is.
“Can Megan go with you? So you’re not alone?”
“She can’t, she has school. And I’m not afraid to go alone.”
“I didn’t say you were afraid, it’s a long drive, and you haven’t seen him in a long time. I want you to be careful.”
“I will.”
I look away as she bends over to empty out her bottom dresser drawer.
“You can leave Fupagus here until you come back if you want. She feels safe here. I’ll take care of her.”
She looks over at the cat curled up contently on the bed and ponders my offer. “I’d rather she come with me. I can’t risk you changing your mind a week after I’m gone.”
Stab. Stab. Stab.
Without her laughter, and without Cassie and Gus chasing each other from room to room, this house is going to feel like a fucking tomb again. I’ve missed eating dinner with her and watching movies together at night, but at least she was still here. I could still hear her, see her, catch the sweet scent of her perfume.
I chew the inside of my cheek as she goes to her nightstand, takes something out of the drawer, and then steps in front of me.
“Here,” she says, holding her hand out to me. “You can have this back.”
My eyes focus on the small, rose-gold ring in her hand, and my gut sinks with dread.
“No.” I shake my head, refusing to take it from her. “That’s yours. It was a gift.”
She stares at me with her lower lip quivering. “It’s a band of lies,” she says. “I don’t want it anymore.”
I swear, I want to solder that ring onto her finger and just end all this craziness.
“Fuck, Skylar. Don’t fucking do this.”
“Do what?”
“Any of this.” I throw my arms up. “Running to your father. Moving out. Giving me the ring back. Why are you doing this?”
Her cheeks flush red with anger. “Because it’s what I should be doing.”
“I think you’re in shock or something from winning all that money. Why don’t you take a week or two and just chill out before you make all these decisions.”
“I don’t want to chill out. I’ll go crazy if I have to sit here trying to read your damn mind every day.”
“What does that mean?”
“I can’t do this with you anymore. I’ve had it. This back and forth and all the confusion. It’s making me sick.”
“Wow, jugular, much?”
Her eyes soften. “I don’t mean you make me sick, I mean this whole situation.”
My shoulders slump and I stare down at the floor before meeting her gaze. Everything she’s saying is reinforcing every fear I have about us. I am bad for her. “Do what you gotta do, then.”
She grabs my hand and shoves the ring into my palm.
“You should go,” she says, whisper soft. “So I can finish doing what I have to do.”
Chapter 48
Skylar
Seeing my father is surreal.
He looks better than I remember from the faded snapshots in my mind. He’s lost weight, and now looks athletic and healthy. I realize I have his eyes. Lynn, his new wife, is even prettier in person than she was on the video chat. Her hair is long and chestnut brown with blonde highlights and she has deep-brown, wide-set eyes. She has a thirteen-year-old quiet son named Sam, who calls my father Dad. Lynn works as an accountant and my father is an electrical engineer, which I didn’t know when I was younger.
It’s obvious from their house on a cul-de-sac of identical houses that they’re financially comfortable. The house is big and beautiful with a pool in the backyard and bright-green grass that looks too perfect to be real.
My first few hours here so far have been awkward but friendly.
I’m not sure how to feel about my father starting over with a new life while I was left behind, possibly forgotten. I wonder if he found an old picture of me in his wallet and suddenly remembered I existed, or if he’s been thinking of me and missing me for the past almost twelve years.
When I arrived, we talked casually for a few minutes before Lynn showed me to the guestroom so I could unpack and get Gus settled before dinner. The cat immediately ran to hide under the bed, and I wished I had left her home with Jude, where she has all her favorite spots, and Cassie to snuggle with. My dad’s house is way too big to let her just wander around loose. I’m afraid I’ll never find her.
Lynn gave the
cat carrier a big side-eye when I took it out of my rental car, and she mentioned that Sam might have allergies—especially to a longhaired cat. My father neglected to tell me that when we talked over the phone about my visiting.
Men.
Before I venture back downstairs, I send Jude the text he made me promise to send.
Me: Just letting you know I’m here, safe and sound.
Jude: Good. I hope you enjoy your visit. Text or call me if you need to talk.
As I’m fixing up my hair, another text comes through.
Jude: For what it’s worth, I already miss you guys.
His bittersweet words cause tears to burn in my eyes and my chest to tighten around my heart.
I wish we could both get on the same page. It’s so ironic that we never wanted to get married for fear of the heartache it can cause, and now here we are, in a marriage that isn’t even real, going through everything we were trying to avoid.
All broken hearts aside, Jude stepped up for me when no one else did, and that has gained him a place in my heart, and in my life, forever.
Me: I miss you guys, too.
“Sam is staying at a friend’s house tonight so we can talk,” my father says when we convene in the formal dining room.
It’s so strange to see my father in this setting after he slept in a rusty old RV in the driveway for years and lived on beer and Cheetos.
I guess people really can change their path if they want to badly enough.
“Skylar, I made steamed vegetables and mashed potatoes for you,” Lynn informs me as she takes her seat next to my father. “The chicken is free range and antibiotic free, though. Maybe you can eat that?”
“Thank you, but I don’t eat meat at all.”
“It’s not healthy to be so picky about your food,” my father says, pointing his fork at me, which has a chunk of chicken at the end of it. “You need protein.”