“But the sign says—”
“Macy,” she hissed.
I watched Ari whip around and cast a glare at our daughter. A glare I knew all too well from my mother, before she passed away. Oh, my daughter was a fireball. A fighter, like her father.
What had Arianna put up with for all these years?
“Macy, I’m going to take the left, and do you know why?” I asked.
I turned on my blinker as my daughter sighed.
“No, why?”
“Because your mother is trying to help. Not trying to be right. You’re trying to be right. And sometimes, it’s better to be helpful than right,” I said.
Macy nodded slowly. “Okay.”
I looked to Ari for some praise. Or a thank-you of some sort. Or some direction as to how I’d done. I wanted to prove to her that I could be a good father; a good influence on our daughter. But all I saw were her eyes blinking rapidly, water rising in her eyes before she batted it back down. I wanted to take her hand, to reach out and tell her that things were okay.
But I resisted the urge.
“So, tell me about school. What’s your favorite subject?” I asked.
“Science!” Macy exclaimed.
My eyebrows rose. “Whoa, ho, ho. We got ourselves a smarty-pants in the car.”
“Last year, I did the science fair. Mom helped me make a volcano. And she painted it. And it was awesome.”
Ari snickered. “Thanks, sweetie.”
“Mom paints really good. Did you know Mom paints? And she sculpts. She made me a horse one day, and it was awesome. I wanted her to paint it, but we ran out of glitter paint and she forgot to pick up more.”
Ari’s sigh told me everything I needed to know about where to take this conversation.
“Well, your mother does a lot of other things. She works. She cleans. She cooks. She takes care of you. You know, making sure you don’t burn the house down,” I said.
Macy giggled. “Like she almost did with the macaroni and cheese.”
I peeked over at Ari. “I sense a story there.”
She puffed out her cheeks. “There’s always a story with our daughter involved.”
And when our eyes connected, my heart skipped a beat.
Our daughter.
I liked the way that sounded. I liked the way all of this sounded. And felt. Us, in my truck. Riding into the market. Going to pick up some fresh fruits and meats and snacks before, I don’t know. Maybe I could convince them to come back to the house and cook something for all of us?
I knew my father would want to see Macy again.
But as quickly as our eyes met, Ari looked away. Her gaze turned to the window of my truck instead of paying me any mind.
“All right. Who’s ready for some shopping?” I asked
“Me! Me! Me!”
The market came into view, and I pulled into a parking space. Macy leapt out and opened my car door, ready to take my hand. I smiled as I looked back at Ari, thinking maybe we could both hold our daughter’s hands. But she didn’t look at me, and Macy pulled me away quickly.
With Ari fading into the background.
“Hold on, hold on. Let’s wait up for your mother,” I said.
“But, I’m with her all the time. I wanna see you, Daddy.”
My heart swelled with joy, but it also ached for Ari. As much as I hated to admit it, she spoke a great deal like her grandfather. Like Ari’s father. I peered back over my shoulder and saw her standing at a table of tomatoes, picking them up, testing their firmness with her free hand tucked softly under her armpit.
And those eyes of hers still fluttering away at rapid speed.
“Hey, hey, hey. Macy. Come here for a second,” I said.
“Yeah?” she asked.
I crouched down to her level and looked up into her gaze.
“Was it your idea to come out to the market with me? Or Mom’s?” I asked.
“Uh, kind of both of us?”
“Uh-huh. And who brought it up first?”
She sighed. “Me.”
“And was your mother ready for me to come out with you guys?”
She pouted. “I waited all week for her to call you. I waited six whole days!”
I ran my hands up and down her arms. “Sweetheart, when someone tells you they aren’t ready for something, you can’t push them into it because you’re ready. That’s wrong.”
“But you’re my Daddy. I don’t want to be away from you anymore.”
I nodded. “And I don’t want to be away from you. But this is hurting your mother.”
My face fell.
“A lot of grown up stuff happened that you just don’t understand yet, but someday you will. Your mom is hurting, just like you are and just like I am. Everyone is hurt in this situation. It isn’t fair, but it isn’t completely your mother’s fault.”
“Okay,” she murmured.
I sighed as I stood and brought her in for a hug.
“It was wrong of you to pressure your mother into doing this,” I said.
“I’m sorry,” she sighed.
“Don’t let it happen again, okay? When your mother’s ready, she’ll let me in. And until then, you have to be patient. Because she matters in this equation. She gave birth to you. She’s the one who’s been raising you all by herself. Okay?”
Macy grumbled. “Fine, whatever.”
“Oh, no. We’re not going to have an attitude. Look at me, Macy.”
Those icy eyes met mine, and it was like staring into a fucking mirror.
“Your mother loves you with everything she’s got. And if she told you she’d reach out to me when she was ready, you need to trust that. Okay?”
She nodded slowly. “Okay, Daddy.”
“Okay. Good. Now, let’s go find ourselves something for a nice lunch today. If we’re really nice to Mommy, I bet we can convince her to have lunch together?”
She smiled. “Really?”
“Mhm. But we won’t push her. We’ll ask once and then accept her answer. Okay? Because mommies matter, too.”
She sighed. “Okay.”
I guided my daughter over toward the fresh slabs of meat. I watched her pluck a cooked sample off a tray as I stood by, watching how independent she was. I already felt drained from the conversation with her, from trying to get my point across. And to think that Arianna had been doing that for years made my heart ache for her.
“You did well, you know.”
I looked over and saw that beautiful woman step up to my side.
“Sorry to eavesdrop,” she murmured.
I shook my head. “You’re Mom. You have a right.”
“Thank you for that.”
I shrugged. “It’s obvious she’s naturally combative.”
She laughed bitterly. “Yeah. That’s one way to put it.”
I nodded slowly as I watched her tuck her arms tightly around her chest. As if she were trying to close herself off as much as possible. I didn’t like this distance between us. If we were going to co-parent, we had to find a way to get past all of the stuff between us.
Do I want to get past it, though?
“Ari, I just want to say—”
“This isn’t about us,” she said quickly.
She came around and stood in front of me, before finally bringing her eyes to mine once more.
“This is about you and your relationship with our daughter. I understand that. I have to be able to put my personal feelings aside in order to make this happen. That’s a mistake I made this week, and you have my word that it won’t happen again.”
I swallowed hard. “Ari, I want us to have a good relationship. I don’t want you feeling so uncomfortable.”
“I’ll get over it. I always do.”
And as she quickly turned away from me, it felt like a literal slap in the face.
She always did? What did that mean? Now, more than ever, I wanted to fix things with her. She stood so close to me that I felt her body heat, smelled the honey lavender scent of her
hair. Every time she looked at me—which wasn’t often—my heart slammed against my chest. Every time I saw her walking around with our daughter, I felt my walls cave to her a bit more.
This isn’t about us.
But what if I wanted it to be about us, too? Me and Arianna, and what we lost? Possibly finding what we lost? It sounded crazy, the notion of us fixing things. Getting back together. Being a family unit. But the more time I spent around her, the more I wanted her back. The more I was reminded of what drew me to her in the first place. I had a family with this woman. A daughter. A spitfire, hellacious, beautiful daughter that I wanted us to raise together.
Why not raise our family as a family?
Time to step it up a notch, then.
Time to prove to Arianna that I could be the father Macy needed as well as the man she needed.
Even if she didn’t believe that right now.
13
Arianna
“So! You gonna get back with him?”
Petra’s voice made me cringe as I stood in the darkness of the back room. All I wanted was a few minutes of peace at work before I had to deal with the Monday afternoon rush, then going to pick up Macy. I wanted to close my eyes, lean against the wall, and regret every life decision I’d made up until this point.
Why couldn’t I do that in peace?
“What?” I asked.
She snickered. “Look, I know it’s been a while since we’ve gotten together. You know, with my promotion and all that. But if you think no one in town saw you and Macy out with Simon yesterday you’re insane.”
“Great. What are they talking about?”
“For starters? How cute Simon looks with her.”
“Wonderful.”
“And second, how miserable you looked.”
I shrugged. “Pretty much.”
“So, no getting back with him?”
I sighed. “I need to get back to work.”
“Oh, no you don’t. What you need is to talk to someone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Petra…”
“No, no, no. Not this time. Not after I took you in and gave you a place to stay and helped you graduate college.”
“Thanks for lording that over my head.”
“Ari, cut it out. I know you’re tired and fed up. I know you feel like the world is against you. You always close off when things get to be too much. You need to talk to someone.”
I turned around to face her. “I know. I know I do.”
“How are you really feeling?”
I considered her question for a while. But what in the world was I supposed to say? That Simon looked amazing yesterday? That Macy had been hell in a handbasket all week? That I had equal dreams of chopping Simon’s head off and writhing under his body?
“I don’t know, Petra. I’m just confused.”
She put her hands on my shoulders. “Do you still love him?”
“I mean, I loved him at one point.”
“Do you still love him, Ari?”
I shrugged. “Do I have that luxury?”
“You can have any luxury you want. It’s your life.”
“It wouldn’t be a smart move to rekindle feelings. Would it?”
“Is that what you want?”
I sighed. “I kept a really big secret from him, Petra.”
“For good reasons. Your father was breathing down your neck. Telling you to abort and then telling you adoption was the way to go. You almost died during birth, Ari. And then, you run headfirst into postpartum depression? Really? You’re giving yourself shit over this?”
“Everyone else is.”
“Fuck everyone else, girl. I’ve seen you at your lowest. No one else saw that. I know what you went through. So, when I tell you that I don’t blame you for keeping this from Simon because you had enough shit to deal with? I mean that.”
“I really should let it go,” I whispered.
“Let what go, Ari?”
I sighed. “My love for him.”
Her forehead fell against mine before she pulled me into a gigantic hug.
“I’m not telling you that you should or shouldn’t. I think you’ve got a good life going, and you don’t need someone messing that up. I do, however, think that if you want to pursue this, you should go slow. Very, very slow. Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“I think you deserve to be happy. And no matter what your doctor says, I still think you’re battling imbalances you need checked out.”
“When I can pull some money together, I’ll get myself checked out.”
“I’m pushing for your promotion, okay? Know that.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
I felt like sobbing into her shoulder like I had done so many times. I had collapsed against Petra more times than I cared to count. Yes—I’d struggled with postpartum depression. Whether it was due to having Macy or the hundreds of other things that swirled around me, I didn’t know. I didn’t think I’d ever know. But it didn’t stop me from feeling like shit.
All the damn time.
“Come on. Let’s get you some coffee and some fresh air,” Petra said.
I shook my head. “I have to get back to my shift.”
“You came back from lunch early. You’ve still got twenty minutes to spare. Come on. Let’s go. The back porch is getting some sun today.”
Petra ushered me out of the back room and over to the coffee bar. We each grabbed a small cup of coffee from one of the carafes, then headed out back. The second we stepped into the sunlight, I heard a familiar chuckle.
“Simon?”
I turned around and saw him sitting there with an iced coffee in front of him.
“Hey there, Ari,” he said.
I looked over at Petra, and she grinned.
“Twenty minutes,” she said.
“Did you know—?”
“Want to have a seat with me?” Simon asked.
My head whipped back around, and my gaze fell on his. Petra giggled as she quickly made her way back inside. Holy fuck, I’d been set up. By my best friend, no less. I laughed as I shook my head. But I did take him up on his offer.
I sat in the chair in front of him as people on the porch tried their hardest not to look.
Though, I knew they were listening.
“Simon.”
“Ari.”
“Fancy seeing you here.”
He nodded. “I admit, this is a nice place. How long have you been working here?”
“About five years. How long have you been here?”
“I was actually walking by and saw you through the window. Figured I’d get some coffee and see how long it took you to find me on the back porch.”
“And if I never found you?”
He shrugged. “I’d go home.”
I nodded slowly. “So, where were you walking back from?”
He paused. “I had a meeting with my lawyer today. I wanted something sweet after, so I was headed to the bakery when you caught my eye through the window.”
“Ah.”
“Listen, Ari—”
“Well, I haven’t met with my lawyer yet,” I said quickly.
He paused. “You have a lawyer, too?”
I snickered. “Did you expect me not to get one once you announced you had one?”
“Did you not have one in the first place?”
“Why would I need one? I figured you seemed civil enough, even after all these years.”
“Ari, it wasn’t beca—”
I held my hand up. “I really need to get back to work. I’m hoping to slip away a few minutes early and get in the pickup lane a little quicker. It was nice seeing you, though.”
He stood with me. “Can I see you again soon?”
“I don’t know. That depends. Do we need to start communicating through our lawyers or not?”
He sighed. “Ari, it wasn’t supposed to be that way. I just didn’t know where your head was at. That’s all.”
“Where my head is a
t is this: I was hoping we could work this out between us. Like adults. Believe it or not, Simon, I ran my life just fine before you swooped back into town. I’ve got a roof over my head, and your daughter’s. I’ve got food on the table. A bit of money in my pocket. No, it’s not perfect, but I’m proud of the life I’ve created for Macy and me.”
I stared him down as the entire back patio fell silent around us. I expected him to tell me to fuck off. I expected him to get angry. I expected him to buck up to me, to remind me of the fact that this mess was my fault. But instead, he nodded.
“I’d like to be able to work this out between the two of us. Maybe one night this week? After Macy goes to bed?”
I blinked. “Sure. Sounds good.”
I turned my back and made my way inside. My hands trembled as I let out a shaky breath. I closed my eyes and took a few seconds to center myself and find my calm, to try and get a grip on things around me. My heart hammered rapidly against my chest, and I felt my face paling as I leaned against the wall. My breathing came in short spurts, and it grew hard to stand.
“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay. I’m here.”
Petra’s voice filled my ear as I leaned against her.
“What happened? Was it that bad?” she asked.
I let out a shaky breath. “Don’t ever blindside me like that again. You hear me?”
She sighed. “Yeah. Got it.”
I pulled away from her and started toward the back room.
“He’s not so bad, though, right?” she asked.
I opened the door, then turned around to face her.
“Whose side are you on, anyway?” I asked.
“The side of happiness. And all I know is that you haven’t been nearly as happy with anything in life as you were that summer with Simon.”
I nodded slowly. “Maybe you’re right. But either way, you have to let things run their natural course. You can’t make either of us do something just because you think it’s a good idea.”
“So long as you stop holding back and actually let yourself cope with this? I’m just fine.”
After silently agreeing with a nod, I ventured into the back room, away from prying eyes, away from eavesdropping ears, and away from Simon.
Where my shoulders could relax a bit.
14
Daddy’s Secret Baby Page 9