by Kat T. Masen
“And you don’t want to marry him?” Clearly, mystery girl has found her voice.
“Miles and I have a great relationship as it is. He lost his wife to breast cancer a few years back. He has two daughters who I love dearly. For us, we enjoy what we have today. Marriage is sacred, and we took those vows with people who are no longer here. I do love Miles as he loves me.”
It’s like a vault is being opened, and the questions and curiosity are laid on the table eager to get some sort of answer.
“Do you get jealous when he talks about his wife? I just don’t get it. I never want to stop talking about my husband. He was my life… he is my life,” mystery girl corrects herself.
“Oh, dear, no. We love to talk about our great loves. It’s a part of keeping the memory alive. I’ve spent a lot of time with his wife’s family and enjoy hearing all the wonderful stories. She was a remarkable woman, and I know why Miles loved her dearly. When I see Miles’ face light up talking about her, it makes me complete. She’ll always be a part of him, and she brings out the best of him. Makes him the person he is today. Understanding the roles people play or played in our lives gives us a sense of comfort and sometimes closure on events that are beyond our control.”
Hazel walks over to the girl and puts her hand out. The girl is scared, holding back, but soon places her hand in Hazel’s and follows her to our circle where she takes a seat beside her.
I continue to watch her because something is nagging me, this feeling of familiarity, and wracking my brain is getting me nowhere. The group continues to talk about a field trip next Saturday. I pay absolutely no attention because mystery girl is watching me. She continues to stare at me, her bleak eyes shadowed by dark circles. Her eyebrows rise slightly as we continue this game of curiosity.
Around us, everyone stands. I say goodbye, breaking my gaze.
Penny is warning Hazel about her fear of roosters and how if we see one on the field trip, she may piss in her pants—her words, not mine.
“Julian.” The voice is beside me, she’s so close, her scent of sweet candy lingers around us.
“Yes, nice to meet you… uh?” I extend my hand as a polite gesture, hoping she introduces herself.
“What’s wrong, Batman? Cat got your tongue?”
“Okay, you got me there. You look familiar, but hey, my mind could be playing tricks on me. No point hiding the obvious in this group.”
“It’s like one big fucked-up family in here,” she states.
“Yeah, but it kinda makes me feel normal.” I wait eagerly, and after only a few moments, she extends her hand and shakes mine.
“Adriana,” she says.
“Nice to meet you, Adria—” I cut myself off mid-sentence. “Adriana Edwards?”
“Was, now Evans,” she corrects me.
I pull my hand away abruptly, the weight of her identity throwing me into a panic. I mumble something about having to go somewhere before leaving the room in a rush, and I mean a Roadrunner-on-steroids kind of rush back home.
Adriana Evans.
Charlie’s best friend.
Lex’s sister.
Mystery girl is finally revealed.
Standing in front of my building, I look up into the sky, attempting to communicate with the universe. Are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck are you trying to do? The purpose of this group is to forget and move on, but no, you throw someone else into the mix to test me beyond my capability. So, she’s off-limits, not that I’m looking for my soul mate at this meeting.
Just stay away from her. You can do this.
I’m so fucking screwed any way I turn. I need to let off steam, something to distract me from this bullshit excuse of a life I’m dealt.
Taking out my cell, I dial her number.
“Hey, doll, booty call?” she teases.
“Bingo call?” I answer, defeated.
“Oh, sweetie, that bad? Be there in ten.”
I hang up and walk down the road to the bingo hall, hoping Penny will kick my ass and make me forget about my encounter with Adriana Evans.
The last meeting sent a huge curveball up my ass, bouncing every which way. Okay, seriously, too much hanging out with Penny and her ass talk.
Since I wasn’t paying attention in the last meeting, I have no idea why on earth we’re going on a field trip. Hazel feels that each one of us needs to focus our negative energy into positivity and helping others. Fine, I get that. I just have no idea how I’ll face Adriana, and I am perturbed by going backward in this healing process. How can I open up my feelings talking about her best friend? Not to mention how I tried to screw her brother over several times.
Yep, fucking backward, all right.
The last time I sat on a bus was in high school, and fifteen years later, nothing has changed. Still the same uncomfortable seating, my nuts hurting every time we hit a bump in the road, and the saddest part is that I’m thirty-three and riding a bus to go on a field trip.
Even though we have the bus to ourselves, Penny decides to squish in beside me. The entire way, she rambles on and on about how when she was little, a rooster pecked her, leaving an ugly scar that no amount of laser surgery can remove.
“Penny, if you’re afraid of it happening again, why do you wear a short, hot pink dress?” I ask.
She smooths the creases in her dress. “Honey, you never know who you might meet at a place like this. I need to look fabulous.”
“You have eight-inch heels on.”
“And a matching hot pink thong… in case you were wondering.”
I let out a laugh before my attention diverts to Adriana. She’s sitting alone a few seats before us, staring blankly out the window. Suddenly, I feel terrible for the way I abandoned her that day. She hasn’t done anything wrong, apart from sharing the same blood as the man who can only be described as my nemesis.
Thankfully, it’s only a short ride because Fred and Jerry get into a heated debate over politics. Jerry is intelligent, something you wouldn’t pick up on by looking at him.
When Hazel announces we have arrived, I bolt off the bus desperate for some fresh air. Hazel talks about helping others, and I don’t realize she’s referring to animals. When I question her choice, she says many people have great difficulty helping other humans, and we need to remember that we aren’t the only ones walking this earth.
At the shelter, we assemble ourselves near the entrance. It’s a small, run-down building surrounded by acres of land. The sounds of different animals mixed into one are loud enough for us to hear at the entrance. The dominant crow of the rooster startles Penny, causing her to jump behind Jerry lecturing her for her childish behavior.
The manager of the shelter, Amy, welcomes us. Amy tells us why she opened the shelter and the stories of the different animals she rescues. As she takes us on a tour introducing us to each one of her friends, my heart sinks as I listen to what they have endured. Jerry seems annoyed, his usual self. Fred is more compassionate and spends his time with a sick cat and its kittens which were rescued from an abandoned house. Penny is clinging onto Hazel, repeating her story about the rooster. She throws the word ‘cock’ in there way too much.
Jerry, being Jerry, says he’s out of here.
I hear a slight snicker beside me. It’s Adriana trying to hide a smile. Smiling back at her, I’m slightly reluctant to be the first to speak.
“You can talk to me, you know. I don’t bite,” she offers.
“Your shirt read ‘I Like Boys That Sparkle,’ so I thought you were running with a vampire clan,” I respond.
“Ha! I can’t think of anything worse… unable to die and living forever?”
There’s an underlying truth to that statement, and I know I’m not emotionally strong enough to give a response like Hazel would.
“Julian, Adriana, who do you have here?” Hazel asks as she kneels to look at a dog lying in the cage before us.
Amy walks toward us. “This is Blaze. She’s a Labrador. We rescued her from th
e wildfires a few weeks ago.”
I bend down with Hazel to take a look at the poor dog. She is lying on her side, her panting quick, burned on one side leaving a huge scar. Her eyes are dull, no life left in them. The pain appears unbearable, and I ache knowing there isn’t anything I can do to take it away.
“Is she okay?” I ask, my words ragged, unable to hide my sorrow.
“We hope she’ll recover. We performed surgery to repair her burned tissue. The problem is that when we found her, she was with one of her pups. His name is Ash. The others couldn’t be found,” Amy says, struggling to choke back her tears.
I see Blaze’s pup beside her, nestled into her belly. Unlike a typical puppy, he lacks exuberance and continues to sleep. He’s abnormally small for his breed.
Adriana kneels to joins us. “Can we pet them?”
Amy smiles. “Yes, of course, you can, but be gentle. Both of them are still recovering, and their skin is quite sensitive.”
We sit on the cold, dirty floor as Amy opens the kennel. I don’t immediately reach my hand out, but instead, talk to them as does Adriana. After a while, we feel confident and gently stroke Blaze. She closes her eyes and enjoys our touch. Ash’s ears perk up, and almost like Blaze gives us her blessing, I bring my hand to Ash’s belly and gently pet him. With his small puppy paw, he tries to play- fight with me, a move that makes Adriana’s face light up. She has a beautiful smile, but it’s often hiding behind her heartbreak.
We’re interrupted as Jerry starts swearing.
“Fuck off, you pesky little shits!”
Jerry is running circles as a group of chicks follow him. I look at Adriana, and we both burst out laughing at the same time.
“Jerry, you finally got yourself a chick, shame it’s of the feathered variety.” Fred chuckles.
As Jerry continues to swear, even Hazel giggles at the sight of poor Jerry.
“Do you think someone will adopt them, Amy?” Adriana asks.
Amy kneels to join us. “Occasionally, we have genuine people come through here wanting to rescue a pet and provide a home for them. Other times, it’s just a fad. The novelty of pet adoption wears off, and we often see them return.”
“That’s so sad,” Adriana murmurs. “She’s a mom trying to protect her baby.”
“Just like you.”
Fuck, did I just say that?
Adriana stops petting Ash. Her face falls, realization perhaps knocking sense into her. Moments later, her mouth curves upward as a small smile plays on her lips. “Just like me.”
Much to my disappointment, Amy continues the tour of the shelter, and we leave Blaze and Ash alone. It’s with great difficulty as I try to focus my attention on the other animals. Adriana seems to have the same problem, constantly looking behind her shoulder in the direction of Blaze’s kennel.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I ask.
She beams when I say the words, both of us sneaking away from the group and heading back to the kennel. Once we’re there, we sit on the ground, and without the kennel open, we are forced to poke our fingers through the metal grate to pet Blaze and Ash.
“She looks so helpless.” Saddened by the sight in front of us, Adriana continues to stroke Blaze.
“She’s a warrior. I can see it in her eyes. She’s had a close call with death, seen her children suffer, but somehow she pulled through.” I place the palm of my hand underneath her chin and caress her gently.
A lonely tear falls on Adriana’s cheek. I’m uncertain what to do, wanting so much to wipe it away and help her overcome her pain, but I know it’s not my place to interfere.
“You saved my niece,” she mutters through her tears.
It was bound to come up. There’s no escaping this topic.
“And you saved Charlie,” she continues.
“I did what anyone else would’ve done in that situation.” I continue to stare at Blaze and Ash. No matter what I do, where I go, I can’t escape my actions, and it angers me. I want to escape to where it’s impossible for anyone else to condemn me for my past.
There’s only one place no one can find you.
Or one place where your sins may be forgotten, only to live eternally in the devil’s paradise.
I pull myself off the ground and walk away without saying a word, abandoning Adriana once again.
Hazel is standing in an aviary feeding an injured bird. I owe her the courtesy of informing her I’m leaving. It’s just all too much. She understands, but before I leave, she writes down her number and address in case I need her. I can see the pity in her eyes, and I feel ashamed for making her feel terrible for not being able to help me.
Leaning in, I hug her, and in return, she holds me tight before whispering the words I need to hear right at this moment, “My dear, you’re lost, I see it in your eyes. Everyone finds their way home. You just need to find someone to guide you in the right direction.”
I nod in understanding, now faced with the task of getting myself home. There’s only one road out, and no better time to start walking it. Kicking dirt and stones, a rustle startles me, and Adriana is by my side.
“Why do you keep running from me?” she demands an answer, one I don’t have.
Ignoring her question, I continue to walk, hoping she’ll turn back around, but she pulls my arm back. Her eyes narrow, impatiently waiting for me to respond.
“What do you want me to say? Everyone says you saved Charlie. Thank God you were there! Well, I don’t feel the same as everyone. I was doing something wrong. I shouldn’t have been there,” I shout, venting my frustration.
“And if you weren’t there, she’d have been dead within minutes. My brother might as well have died along with her, their daughter would’ve been an orphan, and the rest of her family and friends would have been broken for life. How does that feel?” she yells.
I know how it feels. Chelsea’s death impacted everyone who knew her. It even took the lives of her parents. It was the worst feeling, and no one should have to endure that.
“Exactly. You know the impact on those who survive. Whatever the fuck or whoever the fuck brought you there at that time was a godsend. Stop fighting what is.” Her bold statement leaves me unable to speak.
I squat to the ground and run my hands through my hair, desperate for solitude, yet at the same time wanting to let go of this chain around my neck.
“Losing Chelsea was unbearable. I honestly thought Charlie would fix it. I was wrong.”
“I know the pain all too well. I don’t think there’s a fix. That’s the problem, right?” A sinister laugh escapes her mouth. “That’s why we’re all on the verge of being sent to the looney bin.”
I pull her wrist toward me, alarming her. “This doesn’t fix it, Adriana.”
She pulls back forcefully, her heels walking away, escaping the conversation. I stand, my pace increasing to catch up with her. I pull her shoulder back, causing her to halt.
The anguish is overcoming her, the tears streaming down unwillingly. “Don’t tell me this doesn’t fix it. I’m so sick of feeling pain. How dare he leave me! How dare he leave our son!” she screams.
I let her get her words out, wanting to hold her tight, yet holding back, not wanting to confuse the moment.
“He didn’t have a choice, Adriana,” I whisper, pulling the sleeve on my jacket to wipe away her tears.
“He did have a choice. He refused treatment. My dad and Lex did everything they could to help him. In the end, he was selfish.” Her chest is rising, the short breaths and panic sending her into an anxiety attack.
“Adriana…” I keep my voice low. “He was in his own pain. There’s no way you’ll ever be able to understand his intentions. You’re here, Adriana. You have a son who loves and needs his mother. This…” I pull up her arm, the sun reflecting off her deep scars. “This isn’t the answer.”
She allows me to hold onto her arm while she catches her breath. “I didn’t do it on purpose, at least not the first time. I was ga
rdening, weeding Elijah’s veggie patch when I tripped on my own feet and stumbled into the rose bush. It stung so much, yet at the same time, it took away the emotional pain I felt. The second time, I did it on purpose, that was the night I first attended the meeting.”
I let go of her arm as we continue to stand on the side of the road.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Adriana. I only met him a few times, but from what I remember, he was a great guy.”
Her smile remains fixed. “He was a great guy, the best friend and husband anyone could ask for.”
A horn beeps in the distance, and the yellow bus is approaching us.
There’s one more thing I want to say before the moment is lost. “Thank you, Adriana, for not judging me. But there’s something I need to say…” I pause, forming the sentence in my head, not wanting to overwhelm her. “If ever you feel that way again, I’m just a phone call away. Please remember that.”
She bumps her shoulder against my forearm with a wide grin. “And if ever you get all Charlie Sheen on us again, just flash your bat signal, and I’m there in a heartbeat.”
I laugh painfully as the doors to the bus open. A sobbing Penny is sitting at the front with Hazel comforting her.
“What’s wrong, Penny?” I ask worriedly.
“A cock pecked my ass!” she wails.
I turn to look at Adriana, attempting to keep a straight face.
Fred and Jerry have tears of laughter running down their eyes, and the bus driver barely contains himself, making it hard to control the laughter bubbling up inside of me.
“A cock pecked your ass? Poor Penny Tration,” I tease.
Penny’s sobs become fits of laughter. “Yeah, okay, I should be used to it.”
We all fall into a fit of hysterics, and Hazel, as usual, is beaming with pride.
Laughter is the best medicine, they say, and so are a tranny’s antics.
It has been a week since I left the shelter wishing to escape reality, yet reality has come and found me.