by Kat T. Masen
“I’m grateful to be given this opportunity. For how long and where?”
“At least six months, and… it’s Sydney, Australia,” he reveals.
My brain takes a moment to register six whole months on the other side of the world. Visiting Australia has always been on my bucket list. I have absolutely no doubt I’ll enjoy such a beautiful country.
“It’ll be all expenses paid. I’ll be honest with you, son, I haven’t seen an offer extended to an author this generous in quite some time. You should be proud of yourself.”
“I am… it’s huge and such a great opportunity.” The excitement slowly starts to build again. “When will I leave?”
“Sunday night.”
“As in five nights from now?”
“Yes. They want this on the shelves by Christmas. Time to start packing your bags. This will be the beginning of an extremely rewarding career.” He continues to congratulate me and speaks briefly about the finer details.
Financially, I’m back in the game and able to get ahead again. It’s a golden opportunity, yet I am unable to fully appreciate it as the thought of being away makes my heart beat abnormally. This is ridiculous, a dream come fucking true, and I don’t want to leave someone who one… could never have feelings for me the way I want them to, and two… is just a friend.
I hear a rustling noise beside me. Hazel sits down with Blaze in the middle of us.
“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”
“Hazel, this is your home. I can’t thank you enough for opening it up to me.”
She gives me a few moments. “I’ve been given the opportunity of a lifetime, Hazel. Why am I not jumping over the moon?”
“Because your heart wants what it wants.” She smiles.
“My heart has been very wrong in the past. Why should I believe it now?”
“Julian, you have to accept that people, events… they happen for a reason. These people who came into your life… don’t question your love for them. Be grateful and treasure the experience.”
“I have to go to Sydney… I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“Then go. Follow what’s inside here.” She points to my heart. “It’s never wrong when you’re listening with all honesty.”
“The problem is, I think someone is clouding my judgment.” It’s the first time I have admitted my feelings to anyone, besides, of course, Adriana. I’ve been bottling it up waiting to see if it will magically disappear. Turns out, it only intensifies. “I don’t even know where to begin with it. I just know it hurts to think I won’t see her face whenever I want.”
“She’s alive, living, and breathing? She walks this earth?”
“Yes.”
I don’t know where Hazel is going with this.
“Then distance is only a minor obstacle. My point is, you can see her whenever you want, and you can talk to her whenever you want. Technology these days is remarkable. If only they had Skype in heaven.” She smiles fondly.
I place my arm around her shoulders, thanking her for everything. Hazel will always be the calm throughout the storm, the reason when hope fails. A mother, a friend—a confidant.
“What about Blaze?” I ask in concern. I haven’t even thought about her.
“She’ll stay where she belongs, right here. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
And so, it’s settled. I’m moving to Australia for six months.
There’s a lot to do in five days, and to top that off, Hazel suggests that instead of having our normal meeting, we have a gathering here at her place as a farewell. I thank her for not surprising me since I hate surprises, and she knows exactly that.
Saturday night rolls around fast. Time is ticking. The house is decorated with streamers and balloons by the decorating committee consisting of the one and only Penny.
“Is it just my imagination or are all the balloons shaped like a—”
Penny cuts me off. “You’re a dirty boy, and I think you need to drown yourself in a slippery otter.”
“Slippery otter?”
“Puu… ss… yy,” she annunciates.
I shake my head while smirking and make my way to the door to answer the knocking.
“Hello, I’m homo!” announces Eric.
Tristan follows him, rolling his eyes at Eric’s antics, and now that I’m aware of his sexuality, I search for something different. There’s nothing but the same old Tristan in front of me. I reach out and pull him into a hug. I’m sure going to miss the kid.
“You’re choking me,” he coughs before lifting his gaze to see Penny. “And is that a man?”
I let go of him. “Eric, Tristan, meet my good friend, Penny.”
“Penny… Penny Tration,” she adds.
Eric roars in laughter, but Tristan is a little more reserved.
“Oh, honey, I love it!” Eric gasps.
Penny pulls Eric and Tristan by their arms to the back, chatting away. I only hear the words, “Oh, you, twinks, you’re adorable together. Who does your hair, darling?”
The doorbell rings again, and it’s Fred and Jerry.
Fred is carrying a plate of Jell-O. Hazel thanks him and ushers him to the kitchen. Jerry looks different. His hair is cut short, and I think it’s brushed.
“Looking good, Jerry. I don’t swing that way, but it’s nice to know you care,” I joke.
“Ha-ha. Penny took me to some salon where the drags did a number on me. I got a date tonight with a girl from my local comic bookstore,” he grunts.
“A girl who works at a comic bookstore? Damn, now that’s a catch.”
“Yeah, she’s into a lot of the retro comics like me,” he says, shrugging his shoulders.
“I’m proud of you.” I pat his back. “Just be yourself and have fun, okay?”
He nods, making his way to the snack table where he shoves all the Cheetos into his mouth—poor comic book girl.
I head outside to the porch to mingle. I’m a little nervous and don’t ask Hazel about Adriana. Everyone here deserves my attention, and despite the tight chest from my mistakes being greater than I ever imagined, I manage to put on a grateful smile for everyone.
“You’re gonna love Sydney,” Tristan says to me, stepping away from Penny and Eric.
“I’m sure I will,” I agree, taking a sip of my beer. “Hey, kid, what was the real reason you left?”
Tristan shuffles his feet, his shoulders slumping as he becomes agitated by the question. “Mom’s husband, John, had a problem with me…” He gazes at Eric, and like there’s some sort of connection, Tristan finds his voice. “He beat me because he found out I was gay.”
My heart drops as he confirms my suspicions. Roy is a fucking asshole for touching the poor kid.
“I should’ve helped you, saved you from him,” I bellow, shaking my head with anger. “I was too messed up to see others around me hurting.”
“You did, you gave me a place to stay. You introduced me to new friends who helped me find my way. You did more than you can ever imagine.”
“Oh, kid, you’re gonna make me cry.”
“Man hug?” he jokes.
I pull him into me and hug him tightly, crimpling his hair.
“Not the hair!” he complains.
I notice Blaze’s ears perk up, and she runs off toward the side of the house. Seconds later, we see Ash bolt through the lawn with a happy Blaze following him.
It can only mean one thing—she’s here.
Staring down at the dirt, I try to regain the courage to look her in the face and push away any unlawful feelings I have toward her. She turns the corner, but before her, I see a little boy running across the lawn chasing the dogs.
It’s her son, no doubt. He’s very small and looks nothing like Adriana. If I remember correctly from the times I met Elijah, he’s the spitting image of him. Now I understand why it’s so hard for Adriana to move on when she has a son who’ll forever remind her of the man she loves.
“Eric!” Andy yells. “Mama let
me bring Ash!”
Eric runs over and pulls Andy into an embrace, burying his head into his hair much to Andy’s annoyance.
A moment later, Adriana appears, wearing cut-off denim shorts, white Adidas sneakers, and a T-shirt which reads ‘Keep Calm and Call Batman’ with a bat logo beneath it. My heartbeat, which has momentarily stopped the moment I laid eyes on her, begins to drum inside my chest the closer she walks toward us. Her presence is powerful and magnetic with its force, and is exactly what has been missing today, or perhaps, for my entire life.
Standing on the porch, she quickly introduces Andy.
“Oh, darling, he’s gorgeous. How did you pop that boy out of your tiny vag… frame of yours?” Penny corrects herself.
“He was cesarean, so all intact, Penny.” She winks as Penny raises her hand to applaud her with a high-five.
It’s refreshing to see her relax, but she has yet to come my way. The moment she does, I’m a bunch of nerves, and she knows me well enough to sense how uncomfortable I am.
I did ruin things. Again.
“Andy, come here for Mama, please.” He lets go of Eric’s hand and runs toward Adriana. “Andy, this is my good friend, Julian,” she introduces me, her eyes meeting mine with a genuine smile.
Andy squints his eyes, staring at my face.
“Mama, he looks like Bruce Wayne,” he says, tugging on her sleeve.
“He does.” She laughs, keeping her gaze fixated on mine, and in hers, I see forgiveness.
I kneel to his level. “Hey, buddy, nice to meet you.”
“Are you Blaze’s daddy?” he asks.
“I guess you could say that,” I reply.
“I don’t have a daddy. My daddy has to work in heaven forever.”
My heart is torn when he says the words, and I see Adriana’s face fall instantly.
“I’m sure you’ve got plenty of people who love you just like your daddy. Do you want to get some treats for Blaze and Ash?”
He nods his head in excitement, his momentary admission overcome by feeding the dogs.
Hazel comes over and smothers him with her kisses, and he’s off again.
I turn to Adriana, willing my apology to be said. “Adriana—”
“I shouldn’t have run off. I’m sorry,” she interrupts.
“No, you had every right to run off. I should’ve considered how it would affect you. I was caught up in the excitement, and it was selfish of me. I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
“Neither do I…” she trails off, rocking back and forth with her hands in her pockets.
“So, Australia, huh?”
“I know, right? What an opportunity.” Around me, my eyes wander to the people who surround us. “I’m gonna miss this crazy group of ours.”
“And we’ll miss you, too.” She grins, knocking my arm with hers.
For most of the afternoon, we have fun eating and being merry. Hazel doesn’t hold back in cooking up a storm despite my attempt to help her in the kitchen which she flat out refused.
Jerry immerses himself in playing with Andy. I have never seen him like this—alive, full of smiles. I can’t help but notice how happy it makes Hazel to see him like this, given his previous hatred for children. Andy is lapping up the attention, and Jerry, he’s like a little boy again, chasing the dogs and playing fetch.
Fred is busy teaching Tristan how to play Mahjong. Tristan is a gamer, so he can’t be any more in his element. Fred enjoys sharing his wisdom and knowledge with others as it gives him a sense of worth, building the strength he needs to overcome his fears and live a normal life.
Eric and Penny are immersed in a hair conversation. I choose to zone out, there’s only so much conversation involving hair I can deal with. You might think by looking at their body language that it’s a heated debate on Russian politics, when all along it’s simply about bangs.
Adriana and Hazel bring out a cake—chocolate and covered in sprinkles. It looks delicious. Jerry and Andy run toward them, almost knocking them over.
“I love chocolate sprinkles,” Jerry says excitedly.
“Me, too, Jerry! We can be best friends now… pretty please?” Andy begs.
“Sure, why not, kid?” Jerry gives him a genuine smile.
Hazel slices the cake and hands everyone a piece. I guess it’s time for me to make a speech, something I want to do to express my gratitude.
I quickly ask for everyone’s attention, the voices softening until there’s only the sound of a warm breeze rustling the trees.
“This is, well… surreal,” I begin, clearing my throat to sort through my overpowering emotions. “I came to this group searching for help, support, something to get me through this thing we call life. I found that, but most importantly, I found a family.”
Hazel is by my side dabbing her eyes, a rare side to her since she always seems in control of her emotions. Yet standing beside me, I sense her pride.
“I never thought I was worthy of anything, let alone anyone, but every person in this room has welcomed me into their life despite my flaws and mistakes. It has helped me make the right decisions, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful.”
Penny raises her can of soda before clutching it to her chest with pride much like Hazel.
“If I can say a few words.” She clears her throat, taking center stage. “Julian, you’re an unbelievably gorgeous man, and I mean spanking-take-you-to-bed-in-a-heartbeat gorgeous!”
We all laugh. Thankfully, Andy has already walked away.
“That’s on the outside. On the inside, you have a heart of gold. The first man not to be ashamed of who I am despite my inappropriate advances. You saw me for who I am… Peter… a lonely boy who wants to be loved, who wants to be just like everyone else and not hide the real me. You welcomed me into your life, and I’m going to miss your companionship. Who’s gonna take me to bingo night?”
“Bingo? Oh, I love it,” Eric squeals. “It’s so Golden Girls… I’m so in!”
I shake my head, grinning as Eric basks in his newfound hobby—replacing me at bingo night.
Fred and Jerry say a few words, followed by Hazel. It’s without fail, Hazel’s kind words give me the confidence I need to leave this place, but only temporarily.
“This place here, Julian, is always your home,” she adds, with a smile. “It’s a home for all of you. Welcoming you at your time of need, your time of peace, and holds no judgment because you are all worthy of being here.”
Penny lets out a loud wail, forcing us to all turn her way. Fred, being a father himself, places his hand on Penny’s shoulder and hands her his handkerchief. Taking it, Penny blows her nose loudly, then hands it back, much to Fred’s discomfort.
Adriana clears her throat, wanting to speak. “I need to get Andy home. It’s past his bedtime.”
Slightly offended, I offer to round up Ash and help take him to her car, ignoring this unwarranted hurt festering inside of me. This isn’t a moment to allow my selfish need to justify my actions. Adriana needs space, time, and despite my yearning to build something between us greater than a friendship, our paths are not in sync.
She buckles Andy in who is exhausted from all the running around. Shutting the door behind her, she turns to face me. “Thank you for being a friend,” she whispers, unable to look me in the eye.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way. Take care of yourself, Adriana.”
She nods and moves toward the car. I want so much to embrace her, hold her in my arms since I don’t know when I’ll see her next, but she needs her time, and I can’t push her.
“Bye, Julian. Take care of yourself as well, okay?”
Slowly, her eyes move upward until our gaze locks. Finally, I see inside her soul, understand her pain, her conflict, the battle between her head and heart. The unspoken words between us are greater than any words said out loud. I know this time it’s not my imagination. I’ve learned from my mistakes and forcing her to feel the same way about me isn’t an option.
&nb
sp; Adriana is like a wilted flower, and with the correct love and attention, she’ll blossom again. I may not be that person for her, but one thing I know for sure there is no one else who deserves to find happiness as much as Adriana. She’s a warrior. She experienced love and loss, wearing her battle scars as a reminder that her love can’t be forgotten. Anyone who comes close to that will never replace him.
But a close second is all I can hope for.
The fast bustle of the travelers disguises me as I sit on the row of seats, ticket in one hand and a heavy heart in the other.
Even in the presence of so many people, my loneliness is palpable. Once again, I’m on a journey with myself, willing to discover what makes my heart beat with joy.
This is the right thing to do.
Moving to Australia for six months will be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and one I can’t miss because of mixed emotions. My heart is sobbing like a lovesick fool, but it’s my head waving its flag saying, “Listen to me for once.”
And so, I do.
Adriana deserves better. She deserves a man who’ll love her and Andy unconditionally, together as a whole. And most importantly, she deserves it at the right time, not pushed upon her during her time of grief.
Do I love her?
I feel something, but I’m in denial. You see, Julian Baker has a habit of falling head over heels in love but always to forget.
Adriana doesn’t replace anyone.
She stands on her own.
And I need to walk away to make sure my feelings are justified. Yet, unlike every other time I walked away, usually from a bruised ego, this moment is different.
I feel sick to my stomach. The pain, indescribable, serves a purpose. We’re both forced to rediscover who we are in this game called life. I’m yet to understand why we’re forced through this insurmountable pain to find the so-called rainbow.
The announcement is made for the final boarding call thousands of miles across the ocean. I honestly can’t be going further away from her. I grab my carry-on and join the line. Slowly, like a marching order, we walk, filing into one line.