Jacob Two-Two and the Dinosaur

by Mordecai Richler

  “Well, no wonder. You weren’t supposed to eat the tin-foil plates, too, Dippy. That isn’t even civilized.”

  “But I’m not civilized. I’m just a prehistoric slob. Ooooh,” he moaned again. “Ooooh, now I understand how my unhappy ancestors disappeared. It wasn’t because we were airheads or there was a meteorite shower. There must have been somebody running a prehistoric pizza parlor back in the old swamp. Oooooh me, ooooh my!”

  “Stop it, Dippy. You’re giving me a pain.”

  “I’m never going to find a nice girl Diplodocus in the Rockies of B.C. I’m going to die right here. A poor, homeless orphan dinosaur. The last of a noble line.”

  “Why don’t you try to walk it off, Dippy?”

  Dippy rolled onto his feet, still groaning, and began to walk about in circles, his head hanging low. But he had not yet properly digested the tin-foil plates. Each time he took a step it sounded like a hundred tin cans were being kicked downhill. Jacob Two-Two held his ears. “Dippy, they can hear you miles away. Stop. Sit down.”

  Dippy sat down. Clunk, clunk, clunk. But the next minute he was burping all over the place, his hot breath uprooting trees and sending them flying. “Oooh,” he moaned. “Poor me. Poor little me.”

  “I’ll tell you what,” Jacob Two-Two said. “We’ll try a song. Maybe that will help take your mind off things.”

  Together they sang:

  “Daisy (burp, burp), Daisy (belch, belch),

  Give me your answer, do (burp, belch) …”

  And so on, far into the night.

  CHAPTER 14

  flood of fascinating information began to pour into the Dragon-Slayer’s camp, which lay only four miles away. The information came from Banff, not quite in B.C., but certainly in the Rocky Mountains. A pizza parlor owner called to say a kid who looked just like CANADA’S MOST DANGEROUS DESPERADO had been in earlier for a takeout order of fifty L’ Abbondanza pizzas. The man said he wouldn’t have served him, but the kid was carrying a machine gun and had twelve hand grenades hanging from his belt. Next, the deliveryman explained how, held at gunpoint, he had delivered the pizzas to a remote part of the highway. “There was a big green boulder out there with red eyes,” he said.

  “Get that cuckoo off the phone,” Wacko said. “Scientifically speaking, there is no such thing as a boulder with red eyes.”

  Then a reporter got on the phone to Bailey to say the town had just been hit by a fierce wind filled with flying trees.

  “So Banff’s been hit by another windstorm. Big deal.”

  “Yeah,” Bailey said, “but this particular one stinks of garlic sausage, green peppers, olives, and cheese.”

  “Just like L’ Abbondanza pizzas,” Perry Pleaser said, licking his lips. “Hey, let’s order up some.”

  Yes, said the yes men, rubbing their stomachs, and yes, said the yes women, rubbing their stomachs, too.

  “Wait,” Wacko said. “Let me think. Kid like Jacob Two-Two in pizza parlor. Green moving boulder with red eyes. Flying trees. Wind that stinks of garlic sausage. There has to be a connection there somewhere. Let me feed the information into my computer …”

  Which was when the singing in the distance started.

  “Daisy (burp, burp), Daisy (belch, belch),

  Give me your answer, do (burp, belch) …”

  Next thing they knew, the Dragon-Slayer’s camp was being bombarded by flying trees.

  “Just what I’ve been waiting for,” Wacko said.

  “Wh-wh-wh-what do you mean?” Pleaser asked, his knees knocking.

  “I’ve tricked them into revealing their position.”

  “When do we attack?” a general asked impatiently.

  Wacko yanked a twenty-foot-long sheet out of his computer. “We have researched some of the most famous military decisions in history. We know the precise hour the siege of Troy began, the very moment Hannibal started across the Alps, and the exact second Caesar wet his feet in the Rubicon. As a result, we have been able to come up with the most favorable moment to begin any attack. The moment, gentlemen, that absolutely guarantees victory in the field.”

  “And when is that?” the generals asked, enormously impressed.

  “It is our considered opinion that we should attack somewhere between the first light of dawn and midnight. Why don’t we toss a coin?”

  “We attack at the first light of dawn,” the generals insisted.

  “C-c-c-couldn’t we wait for the second light?” Perry Pleaser asked.

  Y-y-yes, said the yes men, and y-y-yes, said the yes women, too.

  “As you wish, but then Canada expects every man to do his duty.”

  “I-I-I have to go to the toilet right away,” Perry Pleaser said.

  CHAPTER 15

  hat night it began to rain, which did nothing to improve the spirits of either Dippy or Jacob Two-Two, both of whom were feeling frightened and irritated. So close to their destination, but not safe yet. Far from it. “At least,” Jacob Two-Two said, “we haven’t far to go. We’re almost in B.C.”

  “You sound like you’ll be glad to be rid of me.”

  “That’s not true, but I do miss home …”

  “My home,” Dippy said, “will be in distant mountain ranges not yet ruined by man. There I’ll find my mate and raise a Diplodocus family. We’re caring, family-type creatures, you know.”

  “Sure, Dippy. Whatever you say.”

  “So why do they want to hunt me down and pulverize me?”

  “Let’s face it, some people find you kind of scary.”

  “Me?” he protested. “I’m a vegetarian. Well, for the most part. I do find garlic sausage yummy. But I’m a law-abiding citizen. In more than sixty-five million years I’ve never even had a ticket for jaywalking.”

  “Okay, okay. You’re perfect.”

  “I never said that. But people – bah! You’ve only been around for three million years or so and you’ve already made a garbage dump out of the earth. When we were lords of the planet there were no factories belching stinky fumes into the air or spilling nasty chemicals into the rivers and oceans. We kept the earth squeaky clean.”

  “Yeah, sure. But there were also no airplanes or hospitals or TV or books or baseball or glee clubs. Admit it, Dippy, in all your millions of years on earth you guys didn’t even invent the wheel. Or chopped chicken liver.”

  “Hey, how about another batch of pizza. I’m hungry.”

  “You’re always hungry.”

  “Look here, Jacob, if you think I’m so dumb or difficult, you can head home right now. I can make it the rest of the way into B.C. myself.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Jacob Two-Two said, his eyes filling with tears, “I bet you’d get lost without me.”

  “Like heck I would,” Dippy said, starting to cry himself.

  “I don’t want to quarrel. Let’s go to sleep, Dippy.”

  “You need a lot more sleep than I do. I could make better time without you.”

  “Is that how you really feel?” Jacob Two-Two asked. “Yes,” Dippy said.

  “All right, then,” Jacob Two-Two said, beginning to pack his things. “I’ll leave right now.”

  “See if I care,” Dippy said.

  But as he watched Jacob Two-Two trudge off into the dark and rainy and thundering night, Dippy was weeping buckets. Good-bye, old friend, he thought. Good-bye and good luck. Maybe someday you’ll understand that I knew the enemy was approaching with their tanks and heat-seeking missiles and bombers, and that I couldn’t bear to have you around once the final battle began.

  CHAPTER 16

  tumbling down a hill in the first light of dawn, the straps of his backpack biting into his shoulders, Jacob Two-Two ran into a small figure carrying a white flag and a suitcase. It was Professor Wacko Kilowatt.

  “Hi there, Jakey-baby. How good to see you.” “I’ll bet,” Jacob Two-Two said. “I’ll bet.”

  “We’ve got to talk fast, kiddo. Perry P. and his dragon-slaying unit are only a couple of hours behind us.�
��

  “What’s there to talk about? What’s there to talk about?”

  “I’ve been worried about you, Jakey.”

  “Since when did you become so fond of kids?”

  “Well, Jakey, kids are a nuisance and that’s the truth, but there is hope. Scientifically speaking, on average, kids grow one year older every year. In fact, twenty years after they are born all kids become adults and therefore acceptable company. Isn’t that wonderful news?”

  Jacob Two-Two groaned.

  “Look, I brought prezzies and some things for a picnic.” Wacko sat down on the grass and began to pull things out of his suitcase. A stuffed bunny rabbit.

  “Oh, no,” Jacob Two-Two said.

  A jump rope. A Sony Walkman. And, finally, good things to eat. Smoked salmon. Chopped egg sandwiches. Potato chips. Chocolate bars. Jacob Two-Two dug in greedily.

  “Incidentally,” Wacko asked, as if he had just remembered, “how’s your friend Dippy?”

  “He’s not my friend anymore.”

  “Hardly surprising. I never trusted him. He has the most dishonest green face I ever saw.”

  “He threw me out of camp,” Jacob Two-Two said.

  “Why, that ungrateful dumb dino! After all you did for him!”

  “Yes,” Jacob Two-Two said, feeling absolutely miserable.

  “I’m going to let you in on a secret, kid. It’s time Jacob Two-Two and Wacko learned to look after themselves.”

  “How? How?”

  “Do you see any point in blowing up Dippy to kingdom come?”

  “No,” Jacob Two-Two said in a small voice.

  “What we want to do is take that beast alive. Cage the monster! Then we charge people to see him. A genuine Diplodocus! A vicious prehistoric beast weighing ten tons, with brains the size of a peanut!”

  Poor Dippy, Jacob Two-Two thought.

  “Say we attract two thousand suckers a day at five bucks each. Wait,” Wacko said, pulling out his calculator. “That makes seventy thousand dollars a week, less expenses, my manager’s fees, and so forth. We could be partners. Share and share alike. How much is your allowance, Jakey-baby?”

  “Two dollars a week.”

  “I’ll give you fifty dollars a week. How about that?”

  “What do I have to do for all that money?”

  “Lead the brute into a cage, that’s all. I’ll handle everything else.” Wacko pulled a contract out of his pocket. “Sign here, kiddo.”

  “I don’t know, Wacko. I don’t think Dippy would like being held in a cage.”

  “It’s either being caged by us or pulverized by Perry P. We’d be doing him a favor.”

  Jacob Two-Two began to sob.

  “What’s wrong?” Wacko asked.

  “You don’t know how difficult it’s been for me these past few weeks, stuck out in the wilds with a dumb dinosaur. I never had anybody to play with.”

  “Sign here, partner, and I’ll play with you.”

  “Would you play with me now?”

  “Jakey,” Wacko said, glancing at his wristwatch, “Perry P. and his army will strike within the hour. We haven’t got much time.”

  “Would you please play with me for only ten minutes?”

  “And then you’ll sign?”

  “Yes.”

  “What do you want to play?”

  “Hide-and-seek. You’re it.”

  “What do I do?”

  “Lay your head against that tree, shut your eyes tight, count to a hundred, then come and find me.”

  “You mustn’t go too far. We have to hurry.”

  “I won’t. I won’t.”

  “Okay,” Wacko said, leaning against the tree, his head hidden in his arms. “Starting. One. Two. Three. Four …”

  Jacob Two-Two leaped up, grabbed the jump rope, and wound it around and around Wacko, knotting it tight.

  “Hey,” Wacko said, “what’s going on here?”

  “Nobody’s going to cage or pulverize Dippy. I’m going to find him and-lead him to safety in the Rockies of B.C. So long, Wacko.”

  “Come back, Jacob. Come back at once!” But Jacob Two-Two was gone.

  CHAPTER 17

  ippy! Dippy!”

  Jacob Two-Two ran. He ran and ran. He ran all the way back to camp, but he was too late.

  Dippy was gone.

  “Oh, Dippy,” Jacob Two-Two cried, “I didn’t mean any of the things I said. I love you.”

  Obviously, before he had quit the camp, Dippy had suffered a temper tantrum. Uprooted trees were strewn about the fields here, there, and everywhere. Wandering amidst the fallen trees, Jacob Two-Two stumbled on the last things left in the camp where they had once been so happy together. There were the WANTED posters he had brought back from the convenience store that time. The VICIOUS, VILE DRAGON AT LARGE poster was intact, but not the poster saying WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE, CANADA’S MOST DANGEROUS DESPERADO. Dippy had torn Jacob Two-Two’s picture out of that poster. Obviously he had taken it with him.

  Oh, my, Jacob Two-Two thought, tears of joy coming to his eyes. I’m forgiven. I’m forgiven. His heart soared. He wanted to cheer. But just then a helicopter swooped out of the sky and landed nearby. Four combat-ready soldiers leaped out of it.

  “There’s the desperado!”

  Even as Jacob Two-Two struggled, howling and kicking, they dumped him into the helicopter and took off again, rising over the trees strewn here, there, and everywhere.

  “I don’t care,” Jacob Two-Two said. “Dippy’s safe. You’ll never catch him now. Yippee for B.C.!”

  Then all at once the helicopter began to rock in the sky.

  The next mountain peak trembled with explosions. Debris flew into the air. Smoke spiraled into the sky. Then the bombers flew over the peak again, unloading even more of their deadly missiles. The mountain peak shook and trembled once more.

  “Well, that’s it,” a soldier said. “He’s been pulverized.”

  “The dragon is no more!”

  CHAPTER 18

  erry Pleaser’s face filled the TV screen. “Hurray for me,” he said. “I’m now a hero, just like Saint George.”

  Yes, called out the yes women, standing in the background, and yes, called out the yes men, too.

  “You can show how pleased you are by putting up statues of me on the main streets of all your cities. I won’t object. You can also compose symphonies in my praise. Or operas, if you prefer. I’m sorry the beast’s final death struggle could not be shown on TV, but it was just too, too ghastly. There was blood and gristle everywhere. I mean, boy, did I ever pulverize him! So now, my people, you can sleep easily in your beds. You are safe. Why, I was even able to save that poor, innocent boy the dragon had so cruelly kidnapped. Yes, Jacob Two-Two is home again. With no thought for my personal safety, I charged in and plucked the child from the dragon’s claws. Fearless, that’s me. Vote for Perry Pleaser, your hero and mine. Thank you very much and now, good night, fans.”

  CHAPTER 19

  acob Two-Two was certainly pleased to be home again. There was no doubt about that. But he wouldn’t eat. He hardly ever spoke. He wasn’t sleeping well. He had dark circles under his eyes. And if anybody so much as mentioned Dippy he burst into tears.

  Poor pulverized Dippy hadn’t meant any harm. All he had wanted was a mate and a quiet life in the Rockies of B.C.

  Then, only a week after Jacob Two-Two had come home, Perry Pleaser’s victory speech was shown on TV again.

  “We can switch to another channel,” Jacob Two-Two’s mother said anxiously.

  “No, I want to see it. I want to see it.”

  What did Perry Pleaser mean, saying Jacob Two-Two had been kidnapped and that he had rescued him from the dragon’s claws? What a fibber. Wow! And why hadn’t he shown Dippy’s body on TV? I mean, he’s such a braggart, that Pleaser. What if there was no body? What if he was fibbing about that, just as he had lied about rescuing Jacob Two-Two? No, that was too much to hope for. Dippy’s dead.

  Poor
Dippy.

  A month passed, then another month, Jacob Two-Two getting thinner and thinner, his parents grieving. Then one morning there was a very odd item in the newspaper.

  Rocky Mountain Mystery

  PIZZA PARLOR ROBBERIES IN KAMLOOPS B.C. KAMLOOPS, B.C. – Last night somebody broke into a pizza parlor and took off with fifty all-dressed L’Abbondanzas. The cash register was left undisturbed. Nothing else was taken. This was the twentieth such L’Abbondanza robbery in the Rockies over the past two months. Each robbery is followed by a baffling windstorm. The wind, residents claim, reeks of garlic sausage, green peppers, olives, and cheese. Sometimes it is filled with flying trees.

  Police are puzzled, but they are continuing with their investigations and promise to capture the pizza parlor pilferers soon.

  Two days later there was another disturbing news story out of B.C. Mountain climbers, scaling a peak in the Rockies, had decided to camp for the night on an enormous green boulder. But as they hammered in their tent pegs the boulder had suddenly cried “Ouch!” and then actually shaken off the climbers and tent. Interviewed by reporters, one of the climbers claimed that not only had the boulder moved, but also that it had two large blinking red eyes. But further questioning revealed that this poor climber had fallen on his head.

  That very evening there was something even curiouser on the TV news. Paleontologists scaling a hitherto unexplored Rocky Mountain peak had been awakened in the middle of the night by a perfectly appalling noise, seemingly coming from an adjoining peak. Had they not known better, they would have sworn that it sounded like two voices, one male and the other female, harmonizing. In fact, one of the paleontologists claimed that he could make out the words. According to him, they were:

  Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do,

  I’m half crazy, all for the love of you.

  It won’t be a stylish marriage,

  I can’t afford a carriage,