by Cole Lepley
With a growl, I reach for the pitcher and fill my glass to the brim. “You’re a dick.”
Judah laughs as I take a few large gulps. “You feel better though, don’t you?” I look up at him and he shrugs. “Now you can tell Charlie.”
My mouth still goes dry, even with all the liquids I’ve been consuming. Can I tell her? Can I stand in front of the girl that I’ve loved for so long, and actually tell her? Maybe I am a pussy.
I don’t say that though. Instead, I chose to remain humble.
“All jokes aside, I appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me. I know you’re busy this year.”
Judah waves me off. “Nah, it’s no problem, dude. I still consider you a brother, no matter what.”
This makes me genuinely smile. It’s true that I have love for that stupid motherfucker. He’s been around for a long time, and in a lot of ways, I feel like I had a hand in raising him too. The advice I had wasn’t always the best, but we have a bond that can’t be broken just because things didn’t work out between him and my sister. Judah is family to me, and having his support means a lot.
I raise my glass to him. “Well, I hope that this new girl is what you’re looking for. You deserve to be happy, too.”
He bumps his glass with mine, but his smile isn’t as wide as it usually is. All relationships are hard, and I have a feeling his new one is no different.
Later that night, I’m still lacking some much needed confidence. After grabbing a fairly expensive bottle of whiskey, I pour myself a drink. In my head, I go over a dozen different ways to approach her before I even realize I’m three drinks in. I’m starting to understand why Judah drank so much when he was trying to win Elliot back. Love fucks with you in ways you never thought possible. I’ve never been more twisted up inside. Since Charlie came back, she’s all I can think about. Nothing makes it better, and every time I see her the feeling only gets worse.
The more I drink, the more Judah’s suggestions seem rational. I even find myself wondering what he would do right now. Grand gestures work all the time in movies, right? Maybe he was onto something.
When I’m positive I can’t wait one more second to see her, I make my way outside. The walk down my driveway seems to take forever as I let the words play over and over in my head. Mapping out my game plan is becoming increasingly difficult as the alcohol flows more freely through my veins.
By the time I cross the street, my whole plan is basically out the window as I stare up at hers. The light is off, and I glance at my phone quickly to check the time. It’s already after ten. I spent more time plotting my epic declaration than I realized.
I bend down, pick up a small rock, and throw it at her window. It bounces off the glass, barely making a sound. I reach for a bigger one. It makes a louder ping, but the light still doesn’t flick on. Frustrated, I grab an even bigger one. In hindsight, I should have known this was taking it a step too far. This rock doesn’t make a sound—it shatters the window.
The light finally comes on and I stagger backward. I may be drunk.
Charlie has a look of alarm on her face when she pokes her head out of the now broken window.
The alarm shifts to anger when she takes in my stance. “Oliver!” she hisses. “Are you out of your fucking mind?”
I manage a shrug. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“You’re ridiculous, you know that?”
“Maybe, but I have something to say.” I take a breath. “I love you.”
Chapter 27
Next To Me
Charlotte - Now
Shock, followed directly by unspeakable anger, are the emotions I’m feeling right now. Oliver loves me? I call bullshit.
He’s still staring up at me like I’m supposed to say something. How am I supposed to respond to that? I love you, too? Not happening. The way he’s stumbling around trying to remain upright is a clear indicator that he’s wasted.
I grit my teeth. “Don’t move. I’ll be right down.”
Oliver gives me half a nod and laces his fingers together on top of his head. I almost feel bad for him. The sadness in his eyes is apparent even from this distance, and it makes my stomach flip. I’m not heartless. Despite what he did to me, the last thing I want is to cause him pain.
Carefully I lower the window and step around the shards of glass scattered on the hardwood floor. I make a mental note to grab a broom when I come back upstairs.
I throw on a long grey sweater over my T-shirt on my way out the front door. Oliver has his back to me as I approach him.
“You proud of yourself?” I ask, taking another step closer.
He shakes his head as he turns around to face me. “I’m sorry about the window. I’ll fix it, I swear.” He staggers forward and reaches for my hand. “I didn’t mean for that to happen. I was just trying to get your attention.”
I laugh. “Well, you got it.”
“I love you,” he says again.
I give him a shove backward and he trips over his feet a little. Balance isn’t his friend right now. “Stop saying that.”
His eyebrows rise in surprise. “I can’t,” he slurs. “I should have said it the first time I felt it, because let me tell you something, darlin’,” He leans closer to me and draws his hand to his chest. “I fucking felt it. I’ve loved you for so long I can’t even remember how it started. All I know is in that moment I was terrified.”
The whiskey on his breath is masking the sincerity in his eyes. I don’t believe him, but I also don’t want him to stop talking.
“Why?” I ask finally. “Why would that scare you?”
Ollie releases a sound of anguish. “Because.” He flings one arm out to his side. “I knew it would end like this.”
“Like what?”
“With you hating me.” His eyes close for a moment and then he shakes his head as if to erase his thoughts. He takes a breath and then opens his eyes again, practically burning me with his gaze. “Because that’s what happened isn’t it? You didn’t want a reminder that I ever existed.”
My stomach drops. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it that way.”
Ollie laughs once. “No, I think you did.” He takes a step closer, placing his hands on my arms. “I deserve that. I do.”
“You don’t,” I whisper.
His eyes drift to my lips for a beat, but he doesn’t lean closer. Instead, he looks me straight in the eye. “I love you. I didn’t think I needed to say it for you to know that I felt that way. It’s fucking stupid, and I was too dumb to realize what I was doing.”
I take a shaky breath. “You know that’s not the reason, right?”
He nods.
When Ollie nods, it doesn’t necessarily mean he understands. It means he thinks he understands what you’re talking about. That was always a huge part of our problem.
With another shallow breath, I continue. “Your actions didn’t tell me that you cared. I was always there for you. Willing to be anything for you. I was your best friend, the one you told your secrets to, and I wanted to be the one you gave your heart to.”
He laughs. “Are you kidding me right now?” His laces his hands on top his head again and takes a step back, shock on his face. “How can you even say that? Who else would have it?” His hands fall heavily to his sides. There is accusation in his tone and it makes me angry.
“I was only good enough for you when football was no longer an option.”
“That’s not true—”
“Bullshit!” I cry, cutting him off. His eyes widen, and I keep going. “You were going to leave, and you didn’t care where I was. You would have been perfectly fine without me as long you got to be the center of attention.”
He’s shaking his head, but it means nothing to me. He can deny it all he wants. I remember it very clearly, if he needs a reminder.
His eyes drift to the ground for a moment. This less confident Ollie is still foreign to me. “I was fucking stupid.” He looks back to me again. “I don’
t have a better excuse than that. I know it’s bullshit, but it’s all I have.”
I’m biting down on the inside of my cheek, willing myself not to cry. Typically, I’m not this emotional around him. Or at least I never used to be. It used to be easy for us. I was never afraid to tell him something. Now every conversation we have seems to be so important. Like one of us is about to say something that will change everything.
Maybe that’s why he’s here now. But I’m still not sure.
“What do you want from me?”
He runs his hand over his head, his expression conflicted. My heart pounds in my chest anticipating his response. He usually doesn’t take this long to make a point. Ollie was on a mission when he came over here, but I’m not convinced he thought everything through.
He tents his hands around his mouth for a moment before dropping them and stepping closer. “Look, I’m not trying to make this about me.” He pauses to take a breath. “But you’re still here. You could have sold the house and left—but you didn’t.”
His hands are in my hair before I have a chance to process it and my breath hitches in my throat. He softens his voice. “I can feel that you want me to be around. You wouldn’t have to try so hard not to kiss me and you wouldn’t let me spend the night. Those aren’t things you do with someone you don’t want around.”
I try to pull away from him, but he holds me steady. “Ollie, of course I feel that way around you. It doesn’t just go away.”
“Doesn’t it? If you fall out of love with someone then all of the other feelings go with it. You wouldn’t still be holding on, waiting for something to change.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Is that what you do?”
“Every day.”
His response is automatic. Effortless. He expects me to believe that he’s spent the past five years waiting for my return. If he really feels this strongly, I wasn’t hard to find.
I reach up and remove his hands from the sides of my face. “I’m not ready to be that way with you again. I don’t trust you, and forgive me if I’m not convinced you’ve even changed.” Ollie flinches at my words, but it doesn’t stop me from continuing. “And just because I’m still here doesn’t mean it’s because of you. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I told you that I wouldn’t make any promises about the future.”
Most of my words are true, but the reason I’m still here is a lie. I don’t want Ollie to know about the stipulations in the will. There’s more than one reason for that. All of which I’m not ready to consider.
When I look into his eyes, my chest tightens. He may be drunk, but the pain is so evident in his features. The sad eyes, his hands shoved in his pockets like he doesn’t know what to do. It’s a far cry from the confident Ollie that I’m so accustomed to.
After another beat, he nods and his throat bobs. “I know that. I know.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Which one?”
“What do you want from me?”
He looks away, huffing a laugh. His eyes shift back to mine. “I don’t want to miss you anymore.”
The conviction in his voice makes me falter. I don’t want him to be sad anymore, either. But I also know the effect he has on my heart. I’m not a masochist.
I make the mistake of looking in his eyes again. Maybe I am.
“I don’t regret the other night.”
My words are quiet and he moves closer, his hands landing on my waist. “All I want is to be close to you again. I don’t need anything physical.” He takes a shaky breath. “I just want to be beside you.”
A heavy sigh racks through me and I reach up to smooth a messy piece of hair from his forehead. He looks wrecked. “You should go get some sleep. I know you work in the morning.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want to sleep. I don’t even think I could if I tried.”
Even though it’s a bad idea, I can’t stand for him to stay up drinking all night because of me. I know he’s trying to be responsible and I’d hate for him to derail all of his progress.
I tug on his T-shirt. “Come on. I’m tired and you’re too drunk to talk about this, anyway.”
He opens his mouth to protest, but I cover it with my hand. “Don’t argue.” He tries to talk through my fingers, so I pull my hand back and narrow my eyes. “I mean it. If you want to talk about this, we can do it when you’re sober.”
Instead of trying to make his case, he nods. “Okay, we can talk tomorrow.”
I don’t offer a response as I start walking toward the door with Ollie on my heels. He follows me quietly up to my bedroom and I shut the door behind us. He crawls onto my bed as my eyes drift to the glass still scattered on the floor. I decide to clean it up in the morning. I take off my sweater before pulling the covers back.
It’s already after eleven, and the amount of sleep I will get now is going to be minimal. I promised Jen I’d be at the studio early all week to get ready for the winter showcase. On top of everything else, I’ve committed myself to a huge project. I was hoping for a distraction while I’m here but dealing with Ollie might have been all I can take.
Ollie sits up beside me and pulls his shirt over his head. I take a breath. No matter how many times I see him this way, I’ll never get used to it. When he moves to his pants I cast my eyes away. The last thing I want is for him to catch me staring and think he has a chance at taking this somewhere we shouldn’t.
When he’s finally undressed, he slides under the covers next to me. I pull the covers up to my neck and pray he doesn’t move closer. The amount of will power I have when it comes to him in this setting is lacking and I think he knows that.
Surprisingly he keeps his distance for the moment. I almost think he fell asleep until he speaks again, cutting the silence surrounding us.
“I want you to know that I meant what I said. It has nothing to do with me being drunk.”
His words stab through me like a knife. I know it’s not lost on him that I didn’t say anything back. It’s not that I’m trying to be petty. I honestly don’t know what to say.
“Did you say it because you thought it would change my mind?”
There’s a pause before he answers. “No.”
“You don’t seem confident about that.”
He shifts onto his side and I can feel his eyes on me. “It’s part of the reason, yes. But it’s not the most important one.”
I mirror his position and he reaches between us to take my hand. His thumb brushes over my knuckles.
“What’s the most important one?” I whisper.
His eyes manage to pierce through me, even cloaked in darkness. “Even if you don’t feel that way anymore, I wanted you to know that I always did. That I still do.”
My stomach clenches with guilt. So far, he’s been very honest about the way that he feels. I can’t say that same.
I take a breath. “I lied to you when you asked me before.”
He slides his hand around my hip and pulls me closer, almost flush against his chest. “Then tell me now.”
The lump in my throat grows bigger and I struggle to swallow it back. I lean in and kiss his cheek before pressing my lips below his ear. “I love you, Ollie.”
He doesn’t say anything in return. He just hugs me closer and buries his face in my neck. I wrap my arms around him, and he squeezes me even tighter. Even though I can’t see his face, I can feel his tears fall on my skin. I’ve never seen Ollie get emotional, and it literally breaks my heart. For all the tears I’ve cried, I never wanted his.
It stays quiet for so long my eyes grow heavy. Just before I start to fall asleep, he whispers, “Don’t leave. That’s what I want from you.”
Chapter 28
Boyfriend
Oliver - Then
Charlie got nominated for Fall Festival Queen today.
It’s not a surprise. Anyone can see she’s fucking gorgeous. Not only that, but she’s a genuinely kind person. Those are two qualities you don’t usu
ally see paired together—or so I’ve been told.
The guys in the locker room were drilling me this morning about who I’m taking to the dance. Liam made it a point to declare that he was taking Missy Collins, and I had to hold in my amusement. I know for a fact she’s been texting and trying to get on Hunter for weeks now. He’s been on a single kick since the beginning of the summer and hasn’t really dated anyone. Well, not for longer than a weekend.
But that’s not the point. My silence was perceived to be about something else. Speculation about my relationship with Charlie has been the topic of conversation since my party a few weeks ago. We never made anything official and there’s a reason for that. Despite how happy I am to finally be with her, I don’t want our relationship to change. We’re perfect the way we are, without adding pressure to it.
By the time lunch period rolls around, I can’t avoid it anymore. I’m flanked by Charlie and Hunter, with Jimmy and Jake sitting across from us. We were talking about the game this Friday, but dumbass Hunter decides to bring it up again.
I pretend not to hear him and take another bite of my sandwich. He nudges my shoulder.
“Ollie, what should I do? She keeps texting me.” Hunter holds his phone out to me to demonstrate with a frown. “She’s going to Fall Festival with Liam. I’d feel like a dick if I fuck around with her.” He pauses, a half smile playing on his lips. “I think.”
Jimmy laughs. “Yeah, Monroe. You should know all about being a dick.” He nods to Charlie. “You have his girlfriend, and Hunter’s fixin’ to bang his date.”
The guys all laugh, so I keep the mood casual and chuckle as well. “She’s not my girlfriend,” I say calmly, and take an even bigger bite.
I don’t look in her direction, but the look on Jimmy’s face tells me that Charlie isn’t pleased with my response. It gets awkwardly silent for a moment and then Hunter clears his throat.