by Cole Lepley
I ask the obvious question. “Why didn’t you just advise them to wait until she graduated?”
Oliver gives me a stern look. “Charlie, obviously I fucking tried that. There was no talking them out of it.” He turns back to the ceiling with a dismissive sigh. “They were in fucking love.”
“They still are.”
His eyes cut back to me. “Yeah, they are, but they have shit to work on. Their age difference won’t level out until she’s through college.”
I laugh. “Why?”
“Because girls don’t mature until then.”
This makes me laugh louder, pulling away from him to sit up straighter. “You’re kidding me, right?” His face remains serious and I laugh a little more darkly. “And when do you douchebags mature? It sure as fuck isn’t high school.”
His eyes widen. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“No, it’s okay,” I say, interrupting him. I huff a breath. “I need to stop blaming you for how you acted when we were seventeen. It’s not fair.”
“You’re right though,” he says quickly, taking my hand. He kisses my palm and then my wrist. “I don’t know when it happens. I honestly think it’s something we’re forced to do.” He takes a breath. “I think something really bad has to happen, like scare us into manning up and making smart choices.”
I lower my eyes from his. “And you think that happened for you?”
He fingers touch beneath my chin, tipping my face up. “The only thing in this world I’m fucking scared of is losing you. What does that tell you?”
My words get caught behind the lump in my throat, so I nod. I’m about pull away when Ollie lowers his head down and presses his lips to mine. He kisses me slowly for a moment and then pulls away and whispers, “I love you.” He kisses me once more. “I’m going to tell you every day for the rest of my life.” His lips brush mine again. “I won’t let a day go by where you don’t feel loved.” And again. “You will always know exactly how much you mean to me.”
I lay my head on his chest so he can’t see my face if I start to cry. My fingers trace slow circles across the ridges of his stomach. “What would you have done if I told you?”
He blows out a forceful breath, pausing with his answer. After another beat, his chest rises sharply against my face. “Probably freaked the fuck out. I would have said a bunch of shit that wouldn’t have been helpful and most likely upset you and made you cry.”
“Sounds about right.”
His hand pauses on my back. “But then I would have eventually came to my senses and tried to make up for acting like an immature asshole.” He shifts onto his side to face me. “Because I would have wanted that baby with you. Any part of you, especially one that’s a part of me too, I would have wanted.” He kisses my forehead and tilts his head back to meet my eyes. “That’s what I would have done.”
The lump grows larger in my throat. “You would have wanted the baby?”
“Of course,” he says, giving me a sad smile. “It would have been hard, like really fucking hard—but we had support. People that loved us and would have helped with what we needed.” He takes an unsteady breath. “I hate that you went through it alone. I would do anything to take that away from you. I should have tried harder.”
“You didn’t know.”
“Yeah, but I should have. I should’ve known something wasn’t right with you. I shouldn’t have given up and let you leave without a real fight.” He sighs, smoothing the hair back from my face. “I was a coward. When you left me, it was easier to pretend like it was what you wanted. I know now that it wasn’t.”
The knot in my stomach twists tighter. For me to be completely honest, now would be the time to tell him about the will. But I look at his face again and I can’t. He believes that I’m still here because of him. Even though it’s true now, I would hate for him to know it wasn’t always that way. Especially when he’s trying so hard to make things right.
So, I don’t say anything. Now who’s the coward?
“I spent a long time trying to convince myself I could be okay without you. I was angry you left, and even angrier after I got hurt. It didn’t seem fair to lose everything when all I wanted to do was the right thing.”
“How was pushing me away the right thing?”
I lean up on my elbow when he doesn’t answer fast enough. I give him a look to start talking and he sighs.
“No matter how I try to justify it, you’ll think it’s bullshit.”
I narrow my eyes a little. “Try me.”
Ollie bites his lip, choosing his words carefully. He scans my face and then exhales slowly. “I thought I was saving you.”
“From what?”
“From me.”
I shake my head and sit up straight. His face falls when I pull away from him. “No. You can’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Use an excuse like that. You knew how I felt.” I tilt my head, meeting his eyes. “I was honest with you. You knew that I loved you, and that meant I was all in.”
Ollie clenches his jaw and looks away from me. “This is why I didn’t want to talk about this.”
I take a breath, already getting frustrated. “Listen, I’m sure you expected this conversation to go a certain way. I’d bet you thought telling me how you felt would erase every doubt you ever planted in my mind, but it doesn’t.” He glances back at me, giving me his full attention again. “As far as I can see, before I showed up here you were still acting the same way you always did. That’s not exactly comforting.”
Instead of pleading his case, he concedes. “I know.”
“So, I need a little more time to be sure.”
He nods. “That’s fair.”
Although this agreeable side of him is easier to deal with, the look on his face destroys me. I lean down and kiss him once.
I pull back and meets his eyes. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to try.”
The corner of his lip tips up slightly. “Does that mean you want to be my girlfriend?”
“I thought you didn’t like labels?”
He shakes his head and reaches his arm over to tug me closer. I fall against his side and rest my hands on his chest.
“You’re right, I don’t think they’re accurate. I didn’t think that calling you my girlfriend was ever enough.” He leans up and kisses me once. “You’ve always been everything, but if we need to start somewhere, we can start there.”
“I don’t know,” I say, a coy smile playing on my lips. “You’d have to ask me first.”
The playfulness I expect from him in return isn’t there. His expression remains serious—which is weird.
“Do you want to be with me?” he asks instead.
Even though I basically asked him to ask me, my stomach still flips.
“Yes.”
This earns me an actual smile and my heart beats faster in return. “Then be with me.” He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips before holding it between us. “Let’s do this for real this time. You and me, labels and all. What do you say?”
I nod, choking back a fresh set of tears. I’ve never been so irrational and emotional in my life. If I cried now, he’d probably think I was actually crazy.
He kisses my lips once and pulls me down to lay my head on his chest. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze extra tight. “I’d like that,” I whisper.
His lips brush the side of my head. “Good, because I wasn’t taking no for answer.”
I laugh and it relieves some of the tension in my chest. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
“I’m tired,” he says with a yawn. He wraps his legs around mine, pinning me close to him. “You have to stay with me all day.”
“I wasn’t planning on leaving.”
Ollie sighs softly and then his breathing starts to even out. Right when I think he fell asleep he whispers my name.
“Yeah?” I murmur, my own eyelids getting heavier.
There’s a pause long enoug
h that I think he fell asleep, but he then he speaks.
“I love you.”
Chapter 39
Be A Man
Oliver - Then
Charlie is still mad at me. She hasn’t spoken to me all week and I swear she stopped cheering every time I took the field. Considering I’m the quarterback, it was like she wasn’t even at the game.
We won, of course. We’re currently undefeated and there’s only one game left. The most important one. Now’s the time for me to be the most focused. I can’t let anything distract me and yet I’m completely twisted up inside.
I’m standing on her front porch where I’ve been for the past twenty minutes. I didn’t try to ring the doorbell or even go to her window. Her light is on, so I know she’s in there, and I’d bet my life she knows I’m here too.
But she hasn’t come down yet. I think I saw her Gram shuffle across the front room, but I’m sure she’s under strict instructions not to answer the door. She usually doesn’t listen, which makes me think Charlie must have told her something really bad.
It wouldn’t be a lie. It’s true I’ve been a dick these past couple weeks, but it’s not because I want to be. I’m struggling with the uncertainty of next year. There will be so much distance between us. Anything could happen.
I lace my hands on top of my head and close my eyes, breathing in through my nose. My head is pounding, and my heart isn’t feeling too great either. The squeak of the screen door catches my attention and my eyes pop open.
Charlie narrows her eyes at me from behind the screen. “You’re three hours late.”
She steps out from behind the door and closes it behind her. I pull my hands down and brace myself for her assault.
I take a breath. “Will you talk to me?”
“Why?”
My eyebrows pull in. “What do you mean, ‘why?’”
She laughs under her breath. “You made it pretty clear how much I mean to you. Why should I talk to you?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Of course you are,” she says simply. “You’re always sorry, it doesn’t change anything.”
Her words make me feel like shit, but she’s right. I should have been here hours ago, but I stopped off at Jimmy’s party for a minute. I heard she wasn’t coming, but I thought it was bullshit. She always comes out, even if she’s mad at me. This was the first time she didn’t.
I nod. “I know.”
She lets out a frustrated sigh and steps closer, to get in my face. “So, why should I talk to you, Oliver?”
I suck in a breath.
Because I love you.
“Because I can’t stand you being mad at me.” I reach out and grab her face. “I mean it, Charlie. It’s killing me.”
She leans her cheek into my palm, her eyes already glossing over. “Then why are you acting like such a jerk?”
She smiles a little and I lean in and kiss her once. “I’m sorry,” I say before kissing her once more. I pull back and take her hand. “Walk with me.”
Charlie looks over my shoulder toward the road and back to me. “It’s cold now. If you had come earlier—”
I cut her off, pulling my hand back and removing my jacket. I hold it out to her. “Here. I’ll make sure you’re warm.” Her eyes flick up to mine. “Please talk to me.”
She still looks hesitant but takes the jacket from my hand and puts it on over her sweater. With a heavy sigh she lets me take her hand and I start to lead her down to the road.
We’re silent, and the only sound is the crunching of our shoes on the gravel along the side of the road. The closer we get to the bridge, the faster my heart starts to beat. I’ve had this gnawing in the pit of my stomach I can’t seem to shake. This is why I didn’t want to start something with her. Not when I knew how it would end.
I glance down, my jacket pulled tightly around her slender frame. Her hair is shielding her face, and for once I’m thankful. I can’t stand the way she looks at me now.
“I was a total asshole this week,” I say, breaking the silence.
She nods but doesn’t offer anything else in response.
I take a shallow breath. “I’ve been stressed out and I’m sorry I took it out on you.”
This causes her to stop just as we step onto the bridge. She jerks away from me and I take a step back toward the guardrail. “Don’t blame this on football, Ollie. What happened to, ‘if you need me, I’m yours’? Or does that only apply when it suits you?”
I grunt in frustration and take a step toward her. “You know that’s not true.”
She laughs once. “Really?” She crosses her arms, the oversized sleeves of my jacket bunching up around her wrists. “Then where were you? If you wanted to talk to me so badly, you would have been here right after the game.”
“I know,” I say, my eyes pleading. “I needed to clear my head.”
Her shoulders tense and she huffs something under her breath. I knew she’d be pissed if I were late, but I needed more time. I still don’t know what to say.
“You’re right. I’ve been pushing you away.” She still won’t look at me, so I keep going. “I guess I’ve been trying to prepare myself for next year.”
Her eyes flick up to mine. “What do you mean by that?”
“I’ll be in Louisiana, you’ll be in New York.” I shrug. “It’ll be really hard without you.”
Charlie’s face softens and I can take a full breath for the first time since I got here. She puffs a breath. “It’ll be an adjustment, but we’ll figure it out.”
I shake my head. “It never works out that way.”
Her eyebrows rise in confusion. She opens her mouth and then closes it again without saying anything. I move to her side and lean on the guardrail, and she flinches. She’s shaking now, but it can’t be from the cold. I’m the one who should be freezing, standing here in only a long-sleeved T-shirt, but I’m still warm from the shots I did at Jimmy’s.
My hands grip the cold metal rail and I risk a glance at her. She’s staring at me, but instead of sadness, anger clouds her features once more.
“Are you saying you don’t plan on being with me after graduation?” When I don’t answer quick enough, she opens her arms wide. “This just ends?”
The knife that seems to be permanently lodged inside my stomach slices deeper. I don’t have a good answer, but I know what next year will be like. I’ll get busy, she’ll get busy. One of us will miss a call or two, and then we’ll fight. She could meet someone who will show her what a relationship is supposed to be like, and she’ll wonder why she ever bothered with me in the first place. Any scenario I can come up with in my head ends with her hating me.
I swallow roughly. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like?” she snaps back at me.
My shoulders shrug, already feeling defeated. “I don’t know. I never planned on having a relationship before I left for school. This was my dream—the only thing I’m capable of doing well, and I worked hard for it. This is the way my life was supposed to turn out.”
Charlie laughs but it’s more crazy than humorous. She walks down the road a few steps and then turns around and walks back. When she stops in front of me the hatred in her eyes makes me afraid to speak. I decide to be smart and keep my mouth shut for a moment.
“Everyone has this idea of how their life is ‘supposed’ to turn out. It doesn’t always work out that way—it probably never does.”
“It did for us.” I motion to her. “You’re going to dance and I’m going to play ball. It’s exactly how we planned it when we were twelve.”
“But we didn’t love each other when we were twelve.”
The beating in my chest comes to an abrupt halt. I’m not always the sharpest person to follow a conversation, but I’m pretty sure she just admitted that she loves me. Although it doesn’t surprise me, it’s the first time she’s kind of said it out loud.
I’ve never said those words. They’re too important to throw around
if you’re not ready for them. I’ve felt them, though. Every time I look at her, I feel it.
I decide to change the subject and I attempt a smile. “We have the rest of the year to worry about what happens when we leave.” I reach out and grab her hand, pulling her toward me. “I don’t want to fight with you about something that isn’t going to happen for a while.”
She pulls her hand back and I frown. “But it is going to happen.” She laughs again. “So, what? I just pretend to be your girlfriend for a few more months until you leave to go be a football hero?”
“Charlie—”
“Seriously, is that what you want? You can honestly leave and not give a shit how I feel.”
I shake my head reverently and push off from the guardrail. I gently place my hands on her arms. “No, of course not. I care about you—you fucking know that.”
“No, I don’t know that,” she says and to my utter horror, the first tear falls. She wipes it angrily away and sniffs once. “I love you. Did you know that?”
The bile rises in my throat and I struggle to push it down. After a moment, I shake my head slowly.
Her eyes search mine as if she’s already looking for the answer to her next question. “But you don’t love me, right?”
I press my lips into a hard line, unable to lie, but also unable to make a promise to her I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep. Those three fucking words are more powerful than most people realize. They’re not something you can take back. I’m sure people do all the time, but I don’t feel that way. Right now my future is uncertain, and I refuse to subject her to the heartache of waiting around for me to figure it out.
“Charlie.” I whisper her name and reach for her again, but I can see it in her eyes. She already hates me.
She wipes under her eyes with the sleeve of my jacket and straightens her stance. “I guess I should have seen this coming.” She shrugs my jacket off and shoves it into my chest. “I hope you get everything you ever wanted.”
When she turns to walk away from me, I don’t try to stop her. I know the anger she’s feeling won’t go away easily, but eventually she’ll understand. At least that’s what I try to tell myself.