The Saulie Bird

by Eliza Quancy

  ‘What’s happened?’ Layla asks as I rush in to get my things.

  ‘Tell you later,’ I say and am out of the house on my way to the tram stop. If I’m late or sick, my job is gone. That was made clear at the outset. I can’t afford to lose it. It was hard to find work. I get to the tram stop just in time and feel relieved that I haven’t just missed one. I work like a robot until 2 am, working in the kitchens and then cleaning up. Catch a taxi home and look for Layla but she’s not back yet. I go to bed and lie down. Feel exhausted and lie awake but eventually, my eyes close and I’m gone.

  I’m awake at first light. Can’t have had more than a couple of hours sleep. Oh Jenn, where are you? I look out of the window. It’s spring and the trees are sprouting new growth. Not my beloved eucalyptus trees, of course. Those evergreen giants are down by the creek and they fill the world with the smell that soaks into your clothes so you can take it home with you and sniff it later. But lots of the others. The smaller trees and the bushes. There are hundreds of pale green shoots with the early morning sun shining on them. Today the winter’s gone and when I step outside, the air smells fresh. It even feels warm. Well, not cold, let’s say. Even in the city, the air smells good. It’s not like Keroko of course where the air was like nectar but I never knew it until after I left.

  I go outside to check the box for mail and look for my bird friend and there he is. He’s a crow with a bad leg who’s come to live next to our bins and I always speak to him. I can’t help it. He reminds me of Saul so that’s what I call him. Softly so Layla doesn’t hear.

  ‘Hello, Saulie bird,’ I whisper and he cocks his head to one side and then hops closer to me. ‘I’ve got to go away soon,’ I tell him. ‘Will you miss me?’ He hops away behind the bins and I go back into the house. Layla’s still in bed and I try again to ring first Joel and then Kandin. I’m trying Kandin in case he’s in Moresby. I’m going to ask him to go and see Joel to find out what’s happened. Neither of them answer. I ought to leave Layla to sleep. She needs it, but I’m restless. Don’t know what to do with myself so I go into her bedroom and sit on the side of the bed and watch her open her eyes.

  ‘What’s wrong, Auli?’

  ‘It’s Jenn,’ I say and before I can manage to say anything else find myself hunched in a sobbing heap. Sitting on the floor with my back against the wardrobe. Layla gets up and leaves the room. Comes back with tea. It’s sweet.

  ‘What’s happened?’ she asks and I tell her that I don’t know. Only that Joel said he wouldn’t let me see her again.

  ‘I’ll have to go, Layla,’ I say and I see her shake her head.

  ‘It’s not wise, Auli. You might end up in jail. Or dead,’ she adds. ‘That won’t help Jenn.’

  ‘I know, but there’s nothing else I can try. I’ll have to go.’

  Layla fetches more tea and we sit and drink.

  ‘What about getting Kandin to get her for you?’ Layla suggests and I’m surprised.

  ‘I thought you didn’t like him.’

  ‘He’s not too bad,’ she replies. ‘And I can’t think of anything else to suggest.’

  Layla is going to the library this morning and meeting Carol for lunch so soon I’m alone in the house. Walking backwards and forwards. Then outside and inside. Go out. Come back in. Backwards and forwards. Even Saulie Bird has disappeared. Maybe he’s avoiding me.

  Every ten minutes I ring first Joel and then Kandin. But often I can’t manage to wait for ten minutes. In the early afternoon, my phone rings at last and I lunge towards it so desperately that I knock it on to the floor.

  ‘Hey Auli,’ it’s Kandin. ‘What’s up? I’ve got about 50 missed calls from you.’

  ‘Kandin,’ I say and slowly let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Tullamarine,’ he says. ‘Just landed.’

  ‘Where have you been?’

  ‘Moresby,’ he says.

  ‘Damn.’

  ‘You’re not making any sense,’ he tells me.

  ‘I wanted you to go and see Joel.’

  ‘I’ve already seen him,’ Kandin replies. ‘Getting a taxi. Be with you in about twenty minutes.’

  I watch the clock and actually it’s twenty-five. I’ve already got a G&T ready for him and even though I don’t normally drink in the afternoons, I’m already on to my second. He gives me a hug and a quick kiss before taking off his jacket, but he’s my laid-back man, couldn’t care less. He’s not on edge. It’s only me. We sit at the table and I tell him what has happened. I watch his face, and he doesn’t look surprised.

  ‘You know what’s happened, don’t you?’

  ‘I can guess,’ he says. ‘It’s some kids from his village,’ he sips at his drink. ‘I sold them a few pills and Joel’s gone crazy.’

  ‘A few pills?’ I ask feeling shocked. ‘Do you mean drugs, Kandin?’

  ‘Sure,’ he replies. ‘Nothing serious. Nothing heavy.’

  I don’t know what to say. I’d suspected Kandin of making money from porn. But never from drugs.

  ‘And how does that affect Jenn?’ I ask without making any comment on the drugs.

  ‘I’m not quite sure,’ he tells me. ‘But he asked if I still saw you and I said I did. He was angry, Auli. He said that as long as you were associated with me, Jenn was having nothing more to do with you.’ He looks at me, smiles and reaches towards me to pull me over, but I push him off. He looks surprised.

  ‘Do you want me to go?’ he asks, getting up and reaching for his jacket.

  ‘Yes. No. I don’t know,’ I say and pour myself a third G&T.

  ‘You won’t get through work tonight if you keep drinking like that,’ he says and sounds quite prim. I look at his face and can’t work it out. He doles out drugs then nags at me for drinking three G&Ts. How can that be? He’s right about the drinks, of course.

  ‘Get a grip,’ he says. ‘You’re over-reacting. Just like Joel. He’ll have changed his mind by tomorrow.’

  ‘Of course, he won’t. He’s a policeman, Kandin. And he cares about the kids. And about doing the right thing. I can’t believe you’ve been selling drugs. So now I know where your money comes from. I thought it was porn.’

  My anger doesn’t touch him. Kandin just laughs which makes me angrier. I pick up my glass and am about to throw it at him when he grabs my arm. In one swift and graceful movement he removes the glass and holds me still.

  ‘Stop it,’ he says, ‘and listen to what I’m going to tell you. My money doesn’t come from either sex or drugs. That’s for the low life. The pills were a few I was carrying with me. I sold them for almost nothing as a favour. Recreational drugs. Nothing serious, I told you.’

  ‘What were they?’ I interrupt.

  ‘This and that,’ he replies. ‘Not much, as I said. The kids would hardly have felt the effects.’

  I’ve never taken anything. Layla always told me that drugs were dangerous and in Keroko, I was never in a position to try anything. I know kids take stuff but don’t know much about it. I’m out of my depth.

  ‘Go on,’ I say. ‘Where does all your money come from?’

  ‘I’m a hacker,’ he tells me, ‘and a good one. I’m a good forger, too, but it doesn’t pay enough.’

  ‘What do you hack?’

  ‘Scientific information,’ he replies. ‘Then I sell it on.’

  ‘Information on what?’

  ‘All sorts,’ he says, ‘whatever pays well. At the moment, it’s mainly neuroscience. Information on how the brain works,’ he says. ‘On how to manipulate people’s belief systems. For people who are doing targeted ads on social media.’

  There’s a pause while I take this in.

  ‘And they pay you for that?’ I ask.

  He smiles at me. ‘I’m getting big money, Auli. And it’s going to get bigger.’

  ‘Where do you get the information?’ I ask and I see the triumph on his face.

  ‘Recently,’ he says, ‘from my father. From Lucas. He alwa
ys said I wouldn’t amount to much, but he does the work and I get the money.’ Kandin can’t conceal his delight. ‘Perfect.’

  My mind is reeling. I need time to process all this but my first thought is Jenn.

  ‘I need to get Jenn,’ I tell him ignoring everything else. ‘I’m going to go to Moresby to get her.’

  ‘That’s crazy,’ Kandin tells me. ‘And stupid. You’ll be picked up in no time.’

  ‘I’m going,’ I say. ‘Whether you like it or not. You’ve cut me off from my child and I’m going to get her back.’ And this time Kandin does start to look angry.

  ‘Not me,’ he says. ‘I gave you a house to bring her to. I haven’t cut you off from anyone. It’s Joel, who has done that.’ This time Kandin does pick up his jacket and he walks out.

  30

  Layla doesn’t come back before I go to work so when she sees me the next morning, she is amazed. I am blonde.

  ‘You look like a Tolai,’ she tells me. ‘Fantastic! It suits you, but there is a problem if it’s supposed to be a disguise.’

  ‘What’s that?’ I ask.

  ‘You’ve still got the same face.’

  ‘Ha ha,’ I manage to smile at her and say there’s nothing I can do about that, but at least from a distance, I won’t look like me. I’ve been letting my hair grow lately and it’s big. At the moment, bigger than Layla’s and now it’s a bright white halo around my head. I’m not going to comb it, I tell her. I’m going to leave it shaggy.

  ‘Hmmm,’ she says. ‘The big blonde shaggy look. In Melbourne at least, everyone will certainly notice you coming.’

  ‘I thought of that,’ I say. ‘But in Moresby, I won’t attract attention.’

  ‘You will,’ Layla says. ‘You look fantastic, Auli. You’ll have more men hanging around than you can deal with.’

  She’s got a point that even when trying to disguise myself, I didn’t attempt to make myself look unattractive.

  ‘Maybe I should have gone for the invisible look,’ I say, ‘but that’s what I had before. More or less anyway.’ I put the kettle on. ‘Before I dyed my hair blonde, I looked like everybody else, but most of all, I looked like me. Now, at least, I don’t look like me.’

  Then Layla turns serious and asks me when I’m going.

  ‘Tomorrow. I couldn’t get a flight today.’

  ‘What about work?’

  ‘I’ve got a week off and I can still keep my job.’

  ‘Does Kandin know you’re going?’

  ‘No, he walked out when I accused him of cutting me off from Jenn.’

  ‘And does Joel know you’re going?’

  ‘No, Layla. Only you. You’re the only one who knows that I’m going.’

  ‘Do you want me to come with you?’

  ‘Are you mad?’

  ‘No, but you seem to have gone slightly crazy yourself. You probably need me’

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  Layla grins. ‘Let me at least teach you about the village. I assume that’s where you’ll go to try and get Jenn?’

  I nod and for the next two hours, Layla draws me maps and gives me information.

  ‘What do you think Joel’s told them about me?’ I ask.

  ‘Well, he said he was going to tell them that you’d run off and left the child with him, but he won’t have said anything about you being suspected of sorcery. And presumably, he won’t have said anything about your connection with me.’ Layla looks thoughtful. ‘Because if he did, he would risk Jenn being seen as having bad associations. He wouldn’t want that.’

  ‘So you think the village people won’t know that I’m suspected of witchcraft?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Layla says. ‘But I can’t be sure, Auli. It’s very dangerous.’

  ‘Have you got enough money?’ she asks before I set off and doesn’t wait for a reply. She hands me an envelope full of money. It’s her savings for the course she’s dreaming of and I hesitate, but it’s for Jenn. I might need it. I kiss her and put it in my bag.

  ***

  It’s late when the plane lands at Jackson’s airport. About nine pm. Not a good time or a safe time, but my heart rolls over in pleasure as I step into the steamy night air. Even when it’s warm in Melbourne or hot, the air is different. I get a taxi. I’ve got no choice. Hope that Shantelle won’t turn me away.

  She says she’s delighted to see me once she gets over the shock of my transformation into a girl from East New Britain. You look more like a Tolai than a Tolai she tells me.

  ‘Why did you do it?’ the girls ask me.

  ‘It was a dare,’ I tell them. ‘A bit of fun.’

  They find some food for me and it tastes like heaven. Like coming home. Rice cooked in coconut with some fish. It seems so long ago that I was here, but it’s not. I remember when I lived in Keroko that I preferred kaukau and pumpkin to this coastal food, but I’ve changed my mind. It tastes like manna. After eating, I don’t have to clear up. The girls do that for me and I go with Shantelle to sit at the other side of the lawn. Where Layla and I used to go and sit.

  ‘How is Layla?’ Shantelle asks me.

  ‘She’s fine,’ I tell her. ‘She’s got a job and sees Carolyn most days. Layla’s saving up to do a master’s course.’ I feel guilty as I pass on this information and remember that I’m carrying most of what she’s saved. I’ve hardly got any money apart from that because I bought an open return. It was more expensive, but I knew I might have to leave quickly and I didn’t know which day it would be. And I might need money for Jenn. She ought to be able to travel free on my lap. That’s what they told me. But you never know. I’ve got Layla’s money just in case. I hope that I can give it back to her without taking any out.

  ‘And why have you come back, Auli - or should I call you Agnes so that we remember?’

  ‘I’ve come for Jenn,’ I tell her. ‘Joel says he won’t let me see her anymore, but she needs me, Shantelle. And I need her.’

  Early the next morning, I set off for the village. I remember Layla’s words when I get whistled at and shouted after over and over again. Maybe going blonde was not such a good idea. I get a bus to the village. It’s a rickety old PMV and it seems to take forever, but actually, it takes less than a couple of hours (this time thing again, like elastic how it stretches and shrinks). Will Jenn remember me? I start to worry. She’s only little and I’ve been gone for more than three months.

  I get off and walk with some women who have been to the market. Tell them I’m going to see my aunty. I’m lucky. Two of the village men are married to Tolais so they assume that’s who I’m going to visit. I’m relieved when they turn off and point me in the right direction for the houses where the Tolai women live. So far so good. I’ve been lucky. And then I see her. I see Jenn. She’s playing under a tree next to the gardens. I go towards her and call her name.

  ‘Mama,’ she shouts but then looks uncertain. ‘Mama hair..’ I run towards her and pick her up. Hold her tight.

  ‘Yes,’ I tell her. ‘Mama’s dyed her hair.’ I pick her up and hold her tight and she laughs and wants to go down. ‘Mama hair,’ she shouts and points over and over again at my hair. ‘Mama hair.’

  ‘Yes,’ I tell her again. ‘Mama’s dyed her hair. Come on, Jenny girl. I’m taking you to see your aunty. Aunty Shantelle. Do you remember her?’ Jenn doesn’t look very sure, but I pick her up and start walking back towards the PMV stop. Walking as fast as I can. There’s another bus due in a few minutes. I walk and I pray. Look around but don’t see anybody. We get to the place where the PMV stops and I put her down.

  There’s nobody else waiting for the bus and I thank the God in whom I don’t believe. Suddenly I remember Saul. He went to missionary school and talked a lot about Christianity. I look at his daughter and pick her up ready for the bus coming. I’m the only one who knows that Saul is her father. Not Joel. Not Layla. Not Jenn. What would Saul say? But there’s no time to think about that now.

  ‘Going on the bus,’ I tell her. ‘We’
re going on the bus to Aunty’s house.’

  We get on and I manage to find a seat. It’s crowded inside but we’re the only people getting on here. The bus sets off. I’ve done it. I’ve got Jenn. I hug her and she keeps saying, ‘Mama hair. Mama hair.’ I try to distract her and point at things out of the window but she keeps coming back to ‘Mama hair, Mama hair.’ There’s an old woman sitting next to me who keeps smiling at her. She’s got no teeth at all, her mouth is bright red from buai juice and she starts joining in with Jenn and pointing at my hair. ‘Mama hair,’ the old woman says together with Jenn. ‘Mama hair,’ she says again and cackles louder and louder each time.

  There’s not much traffic on the road but the windows are wide open and all the dust flies in. With a bit of luck, my hair will be so dusty soon that Jenn won’t notice that it’s blonde. It will be grey. That’s the colour my hair usually goes when covered in dust, but now it’s blonde it seems to be staying light. Not going grey as usual. There’s nothing I can do. But suddenly there’s a worse problem. A massive problem. There’s a police car driving behind the bus.

  I watch it overtake and think it is going to drive off but it drops back and now it’s following us. It must be Joel. They must have told him that Jenn had disappeared. I can’t believe how fast this has happened. Incredible. But he can’t be totally sure that Jenn is on the bus. Or me. If he were sure, he would stop the bus and take us off. At least I think he would.

  What am I going to do? Surely I haven’t got this far to fail now. It sinks in that it’s not just that I won’t get to take Jenn back with me. If it is Joel in the police car, then I’ll soon be locked up. And after that, dead. Burnt. They won’t hang around a second time. Once they’ve got me, that will be it. I’m a dead woman sitting on a bus. A dead woman with her daughter I remind myself. What am I going to do? The only thing I can think of is to leave Jenn on the bus, get off and make a run for it. I’ll get off at the market so there’ll be plenty of people around. It might be possible to get away. Joel’s first thought will be to find Jenn. So this is what I decide to do. I sit on the bus holding my daughter, loving her, feeling the smooth skin of her sturdy legs and looking at her laughing eyes. I try to sound cheerful.