by Eliza Quancy
‘But you’re not,’ I say. ‘I’ve got a headache, Kandin. I’d like to go home now. You can phone Chrissie and invite her back.’
Kandin doesn’t miss a beat.
‘OK,’ he replies. ‘That’s not a bad idea. Come on then, Lani. I’ll take you now.’
I kick myself when I get home. First of all, I’m hungry. He didn’t offer me any food in the cafe. Secondly, I could have tried to find out what he’s been doing and what his plans were if I’d gone home with him. If I’m here and he’s there, I’m not going to find out anything. What a waste of an opportunity. What a waste of a night off. I bang about so loudly in the kitchen looking for something to eat that Layla comes to see what’s wrong.
‘Nothing,’ I tell her. ‘Nothing at all.’
I feel like texting Kandin to tell him I’ve changed my mind, but I can’t do that. I sit with a bowl of tomato soup out of a tin and work out how I can manage to see Kandin again soon without losing face. As it happens, I’m saved the trouble although the new arrangement is not quite to my taste. I’m about half-way through the soup and sitting with a soggy piece of toast in my hand when the phone rings.
‘How’s your headache?’ he asks.
‘It’s getting better,’ I reply.
‘Oh good,’ he says, smooth as usual. ‘I’m ringing to say that Chrissie would like to see you. Are you free on Saturday morning?’
‘I’ll have a look,’ I say and make walking about noises before picking up again to say, ‘Yes, I am.’
‘OK,’ he says. ‘Pick you up about 10.30.’ Before I’ve had time to ask him anything and in particular why Chrissie wants to see me, he rings off. At least I’ll see him again soon, I think, although I might not get a chance to talk to him at all if Chrissie’s there. I look for another tin of soup but there isn’t one. I’m starving so I make four pieces of toast and eat them with Extra Special Blackcurrant Jam (that’s what it’s called). And after that, three apples. They don’t grow in PNG but I’ve discovered that I like them a lot.
***
Early on Saturday morning, I go outside to take some rubbish to the bin. It’s windy out. Actually, I’m going out to say hello to Saulie Bird, but he’s not there. I don’t confess this to anyone but on the days when the bird isn’t there, it feels as though my life is falling apart. Sometimes I think that it’s actually Saul himself out there, his spirit inside the bird, but I tell myself not to be stupid. Layla brought me up to use my brain, to ask questions and to think about things. Not to be superstitious or to believe in ‘gut feelings’ although I have to admit that I often do. There are more things in this world than meet the eye. Things that are still not explained, but they do exist.
‘Saulie Bird,’ I call. ‘Saulie,’ but there’s no sign of him. It’s cold this morning like winter again. We’ve been in Melbourne for over a year! I’m about to go back inside when he hops onto our path from the pavement. Just as though he’s coming back from somewhere. Coming home. ‘Hello, Saulie,’ I say, suddenly cheerful, so pleased to see him. ‘Have you been for a walk?’ Instead of stopping with his head cocked to one side and then hopping off behind the bins as he usually does, he hops towards me. Almost to where I’m standing. Then he stands and looks at me. Head on one side as usual. Always the same side I think. I hold my breath hoping that he’s going to come even closer, but he turns and hops away.
‘You’re up early,’ Layla says to me when I go back inside. ‘Are you ready for Kandin?’
She knows that he’s coming to pick me up and she’s asked me why Chrissie wants to see me.
‘No idea,’ I tell her. ‘I texted Kandin and asked him but all he said was that Chrissie likes me.’
‘And does she?’
‘I haven’t seen any evidence of it,’ I say. ‘And I’ve never liked her.’
Layla knows why I’m going this morning so she, too, is hoping that Chrissie doesn’t stay long so that I get the chance to talk to Kandin. I want to find out what’s happening with his plans for Joel.
‘Let’s hope she just drops in briefly.’ Part of me fears that she might want to take me on as a project. Poor little PNG girl sort of thing which makes the anger rise up in me at the very thought. I’ve heard about Australians doing that. Can’t stand the thought of do-gooders from anywhere. But I have to admit that it doesn’t fit with Chrissie. She doesn’t seem to care about people at all so far as I can gather, ‘poor’ or otherwise. Not even about Kandin.
Layla sympathises and makes a pot of tea. There’s plenty of time before Kandin comes because it’s true, I am up very early.
‘If I could only get Jenn back and Joel safe, I’d be happy,’ I say.
‘And what about reporting Kandin to Lucas?’ Layla asks.
‘I’d almost forgotten about that,’ I say. ‘It would be good if we could, but have you any idea how we could get enough money to fly to Oxford?’
It wasn’t a question but Layla replies.
‘Lotto?’ she suggests.
‘I’ve already won it once and got a house, remember.’ She laughs.
‘Well, a second time wouldn’t go amiss. Maybe I’ll win it this time.’
‘You’d better buy a ticket then,’ I say. ‘Buy us one each.’
***
Chrissie is waiting in the house for us, Kandin tells me when he comes to pick me up.
‘Is she staying with you?’ I ask.
‘No,’ he says. ‘I told you before.’
‘Why does she want to see me?’ I ask again.
‘I told you,’ he says. ‘She likes you.’
I’m getting nowhere so I shut up and soon we arrive. We go in and I see a second breakfast waiting for me. Orange juice, coffee, bagels, chocolate croissants, chopped melon. I wonder who has prepared it but don’t ask. I’m sure it won’t have been either Chrissie or Kandin. They are both allergic to housework and food preparation of any kind. The most they can manage is drinks. Like mother like son.
‘Hello, Aulani,’ Chrissie says and for a change gives me a warmish welcoming smile.
‘Gdday,’ I say taking off my coat and going to sit down.
‘Nice haircut,’ she tells me. Yes, I think to myself, I’m dyed just like you now except that you’re dyed black and I’m dyed blonde. But mine looks better. Chrissie’s hairstyle has hardly changed since I first saw her in the hotel at Three Mile. Still jet black and still solid-looking, set in a shape that looks as though you’d have to get a hammer to break it. Wouldn’t think that a comb would make any impression. Maybe she’s a mind reader because she starts to talk about seeing me in the hotel. I thought she didn’t remember. She’s never mentioned it before.
‘Do you remember when we met in the hotel?’ Chrissie asks me.
I nod and notice that Kandin looks surprised. He doesn’t know that I met his mother before. It seems so long ago. Jenn not even conceived and she’s getting big now.
‘Did you ever find your mother?’ she asks. I shake my head and a sudden hope rises up. Perhaps she’s discovered something and that’s why she wanted to see me.
‘Have you found out anything?’ I ask directly, but she shakes her head. Sorry, no. It is all as she said before. That building was a hotel, not a hospital and you couldn’t throw anything out of the windows. All the windows have louvres with flywire on the outside. It’s funny, I’d almost forgotten about tracking down my birth mother. Life has been so all-consuming, there has been no time for my own affairs. I make a renewed pledge to myself to try again once I’ve solved the problem of Jenn and Joel. And reporting Kandin to Lucas. Not much in the way then….
We make polite chat. I ask Chrissie if her business is going well and she says yes. She asks me how my work is going and I say fine. And that’s about it. There’s nothing more to say and I do my best to hide my pleasure and relief when she says that she must be going.
‘You don’t like her, do you?’ Kandin comments after she’s gone.
‘Not much,’ I reply. ‘Do you?’ I’m being cheeky,
I know, but I don’t care. I don’t think that Kandin is ever honest about his feelings for Chrissie.
‘I love her, Lani. She’s my mother.’
‘Don’t call me, Lani,’ I say. ‘I don’t like it.’
‘It’s what Faisal calls you,’ he says.
‘That’s because everyone at work calls me Lani.’
‘I like it,’ he says. ‘That’s what I’m going to call you from now on.’
He doesn’t ask me any more questions about Faisal. Instead, he goes to get me a G&T.
‘We’ve only just had breakfast,’ I tell him. ‘I don’t want one.’
‘Yes, you do,’ he says. ‘I’ve made it for you specially. Look it’s got a slice of orange in it, just the way you like it. Not lemon like everyone else has.’
‘OK,’ I say. I suppose I do feel tense after talking to Chrissie. At least it’s relaxing drinking gin and there’s plenty of time to sober up before I have to go to work this evening and I say that.
‘You’re not going to work this evening,’ he says and I put down my drink and go to get my coat.
‘Oh yes I am,’ I say. ‘I need that job, Kandin. You’re not going to stop me from going to work.’
‘You like cleaning and washing up, do you?’ he asks and catches my arm to stop me putting my coat on. ‘I’m not getting rid of your job,’ he says. ‘But you’re throwing a sickie tonight. I’ve already organised it. I rang to say I was your brother and you’d got a stomach upset. Said you’d be back tomorrow.’
I’m furious. ‘You’ve rung to say I was sick with a stomach upset? You must be out of your mind. I’ll lose my job.’
‘Of course, you won’t,’ he says. ‘In any case, Lani, you’re going to have a stomach upset any time now,’ and as he speaks I feel myself heave as I rush to the bathroom. I’ve only had a few sips. How could he do that to me? Why? But there’s no time to think about anything as I heave and retch until I can barely crawl out of the bathroom and all thoughts of going to work begin to look impossible.
34
Almost the whole of my Saturday afternoon is spent in Kandin’s bathroom as I alternately retch and curse. I try to work out what’s behind it. Is it that he wants me here today for some special purpose I have yet to discover? Does he want me to lose my job? Or is it just punishment for my seeing Faisal (which I somehow doubt but it might be)?
‘I hate you,’ I tell him for the first time ever, although of late, I’ve begun increasingly to dislike him. Have to admit that I’ve been too aware of our need for his services to want to antagonise him altogether, but he’s pushed me over the edge.
‘No, you don’t,’ he replies. ‘You love me really, Lani and you always will. You’re mine and you know it.’
I would like to kill him. He is annoying beyond belief.
‘Stop calling me, Lani,’ I snap. ‘I won’t talk to you if you call me Lani.’ I don’t know why it irritates me so much. I like being called Lani at work. Kandin just smiles. At least he doesn’t head over in my direction or try to put his arm around me.
‘Don’t you want to know what I’m going to do to Joel?’ he asks changing the subject to something he knows will get my attention and force me to talk to him no matter what he does to me. ‘And don’t you want to know what’s going to happen to Jenn?’
He waits for the answer he doesn’t need to hear.
‘Tell me,’ I say but he’s making me wait.
‘Would you like another drink?’ he asks and watches as I get up and go to the tap to get myself some water.
‘There’s some ice water in the fridge,’ he says but I ignore him as he knows I will. The tap water is quite cool without being put in the fridge. Cold actually. I need something to eat, something to settle my stomach so I go to the fruit bowl and contemplate a banana.
‘You can inject bananas through the skin,’ he tells me as I pick it up and take a chance. It tastes fine and I eat it slowly.
‘What about Joel and Jenn?’ I ask him. ‘What are you planning?’
‘You want to save them, don’t you, Lani? Both of them.’
Kandin knows that I will always want to save them. I’d been hoping to convince him that I would sacrifice Joel for Jenn, but Kandin’s assessment of my intentions is spot on. There probably isn’t any point in my denying it. I don’t reply.
‘I’m going to have both of them killed,’ he says. ‘Unless…’
‘Unless what?’
‘Unless you do exactly what I tell you to do,’ he says.
So he needs me. For some reason he needs me. It’s the only hope I’ve got and I need to find out more.
‘First of all, tell me why you want Jenn killed, Kandin? I can’t believe you mean it. I thought you were working to keep her safe for me. That you gave me the house so that Jenn could come and live here. And I can’t believe that you’re the kind of person who could kill an innocent child. Either you’re lying or you’re a monster.’
‘Monster,’ he says.
I wait for him to say more.
‘Jenn is the only way I can get you to do what I want,’ Kandin says. ‘I don’t have a choice.’ Then he adds, ‘Sometimes people have to be sacrificed, Lani. It happens. It can’t be helped.’
Is this the person I used to love who is saying these things?
‘Go on,’ I tell him. I’m going to eat another banana.
‘Have a good look at it,’ he says as I pick my second one from the bowl. ‘Can you see any needle marks, Lani? Can you be sure it’s all right?’
‘Tell me about Jenn and Joel,’ I say again, ignoring him and biting into the banana. Within minutes, I’m rushing to the bathroom again.
‘You’re a slow learner,’ he calls through the door. ‘I warned you about the bananas. It’s all about playing with people’s beliefs,’ he shouts over the noise of the water flushing. ‘I thought you knew about that.’
I spend another hour in the bathroom and after that, Kandin offers me a bed for the night. I tell him that I’m going home and he drives me.
‘I’ll pick you up on Monday evening,’ he says as I get out of the car.
‘I’ll be at work,’ I say.
‘I don’t think so,’ he replies.
***
Kandin is right. I will be available to see him on Monday. I turn up for work on Sunday to find that I’ve been fired. No point in arguing. I go to empty my locker and find a note from Faisal asking me to meet him tomorrow at the usual place, but I won’t be able to go because Kandin is picking me up and I wonder how on earth Faisal has managed to get the note into my (locked) locker. There’s no opportunity to speak to him or to reply before I leave. I’ll have to try and work out how he’s done it and whether he’s done it by himself or not. My fear is that Kandin is behind the note that Faisal has sent, but how can he be?
It’s Monday morning and I decide to confide in Layla. I’ve been outside to say hello to Saulie Bird, but he’s not around. Perhaps he’s gone walkabout again. I need to talk things through with someone and she’s the only one I can trust. I haven’t seen her since Saturday morning because she has had two nights off. Two nights! Heaven. It felt like heaven, she said (unlike my two nights off which have felt more like the opposite). She’s been to stay with Carol for the weekend.
‘Have you got time to listen?’ I ask and she closes the book she’s reading and gives me her full attention.
‘Let me make some coffee first,’ she says.
I don’t wait for her to finish making the drinks. I launch straight in and tell her what Kandin did to me. Layla looks shocked.
‘Cut him off, Auli,’ she says to me. ‘We can find ourselves somewhere to rent. We don’t need Kandin.’ She comes over to where I’m sitting and puts the coffee down then gives me a hug. ‘I mean it,’ she says. ‘We can manage without him. You mustn’t go back there again.’
‘There’s more,’ I tell her and explain that Kandin knew that I’d been meeting Faisal and took me to the cafe where we met. ‘And the last pa
rt,’ I say, ‘is also worrying.’
‘What’s the last part?’
‘After they told me I was fired, I went to my locker to collect my things and there was a note there from Faisal.’
‘What about it?’
‘How did he get a note into my locker? I keep wondering if Faisal is secretly in league with Kandin. What do you think?’.
‘I think you’re being paranoid,’ Layla says. ‘Kandin’s clever but he’s not god. Not all-seeing nor all-powerful. I don’t know how Faisal did it, but it doesn’t seem likely that it’s anything to do with Kandin.’ She stops to sip her coffee. ‘If Faisal were in league with Kandin, it would make more sense for him to make sure that you kept your job. And he wouldn’t have let you know that he knew about your meetings. Not if Faisal was informing him about what you were doing.’
I suppose she’s right. I get up and make another cup of coffee. We’re drinking instant. Can’t afford anything else.
‘Do you want some more?’ I ask and she shakes her head.
‘Will you go and meet him for me, Layla?’
‘You mean Faisal?’
‘Yes. You could explain why I can’t be there and ask if he could meet me tomorrow in a different place. What about The Cockatoo? It’s only five minutes further.’ Layla looks dubious and I carry on. ‘You could ask him how he managed to get the note into my locker.’ I stop and look at her. ‘Most of all you could ask him if he’s had any messages from Joel. I need to know about Jenn and what’s happening in PNG.’
Layla says she’ll think about it. I’m surprised by her reply. I would have thought that she would agree immediately, but I have to accept her answer. Not sure why she’s hesitating, but I need to go out to get some groceries so I leave her to get back to her books and think it through. We’re nearly out of rice and there’s an urgent need for one or two other items. Washing powder is one of them so I make a list and go and do the shopping. When I get back, she’s gone.
I text her in veiled terms to see if she has decided to go and meet Faisal but there’s no reply so I mooch around wondering what’s going to happen with Kandin this evening. I would go and see him even if it were not about Jenn and Joel. I don’t like him but I do need him. We need his forging services and his link to all sorts of other services. Kandin has been useful more than once. I admire Layla for her principled stand but I can’t match it. That is I don’t want to match it. I want to survive. At any cost, I ask myself? The answer might be yes.