by Kate Stewart
“Just a matter of time,” he says through Batman lips that have Lindsey swooning next to me.
I grip Lindsey by the arm and drag her dickmatized ass away as I give him parting words over my shoulder. “Yeah, well if you see my porch light on, it’s not the signal, it’s my new bat zapper. Fair warning.”
He shakes his head through a throaty and ridiculously sexy laugh as I chug what’s left in my cup.
“Good God, I love Zach, but that was one hot ass Batman.”
“Trust me, that was a neon ‘stay the hell away’ sign as far as I’m concerned.”
“I doubt he’s hard-pressed to find company looking like that, but why in the world would you turn him down?”
I drain the rest of my beer. “Because tonight, I’m the one with super-human strength. And I told you I’m on the wagon.”
“Whew,” she says, fanning her face, “good for you, but can you imagine the role play with that one?”
“My va-gina has, my friend,” I say, turning back in his direction to see he’s still watching me. A slow grin spreads over his mouth when I’m busted displaying clear remorse.
“Your who?”
“No one, Lort, girl, help me get out of chere.”
She giggles, grabbing me by the arm to lead me away and then stops turning back to me, her face lightening up with recognition. “Oh, I get it now, you’re Betty White!”
When we find our boys, I slow my walk when I see Theo talking to a brunette who seems comfortable with him as Lindsey sidles up with Zach and greets him with a kiss.
“That robe is doing weird shit to me,” Zach murmurs into her hair, and she laughs. The girl chatting Theo up places a hand on his chest as I stand awkwardly to the side of him. After a few uncomfortable minutes, I move to pace the party but am stopped by his hand tugging on my muumuu, pulling me back toward him. Dark brown eyes briefly meet mine.
He’s asking me to stay. So, I do.
We both leave the party solo a while later, shivering before he cranks up the heat in the cabin. The drive home is filled with an odd silence which, of course, I’m forced to break.
“So, who was that girl?”
“One of the girls I’ve made breakfast for.”
“Huh?”
“When my roommates have a sleepover, I usually end up making the girls breakfast.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess I feel bad for them.”
“They aren’t victims, you know?”
“I know, but I can’t help but think they deserve better.”
“They do, but they have to figure it out for themselves. And she was looking at you like she wanted a repeat, but not with your roommate.”
“That’s not my style,” he says passively.
“I know.”
“I just remember how hard my sisters took it when they got their hearts smashed. I don’t want to be the guy who does that to any woman, you know?”
“You really are a good egg, Theo. Stay that way.”
“I’ll try.”
More silence.
“Well, you’ll be proud to know I was tempted tonight by the devil himself and passed with flying colors.”
“Oh yeah?” he says, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Yes. And I Kung Fu’d that shit like a boss.”
“Proud of you,” he says, pulling up to my house.
“Okay, what gives?”
He wrinkles his nose. “Ghost pains. I guess.”
“Your ex?”
“Kind of.”
“Explain, or I’m not getting out of this Honda.”
“Nora and I used to hang out with Zach and Lindsey a lot.”
“Those two are hard to watch if you bone alone.”
He tilts his head back on his headrest and his chest pumps with a chuckle.
“That’s better. So, what exactly is a ghost pain? You miss her?”
“No, I don’t miss her like that,” his voice is low, and I can see he’s somewhere in his past. “I guess a ghost pain is remembering the future you once thought you’d have.” He clears his throat. “It’s nothing. I’m an idiot.”
I draw his face toward me with my palm on his cheek. “You, my friend, are a lot of things, and a smart ass at times, but not an idiot. And I hope like hell for ghost pains one day. It’ll mean I’ve loved someone hard and finally done some good living.” Slowly I lean in and press a kiss to his cheek.
“Night, Theo.”
“Night, Laney.”
#heroparty #notmrsdoubtfire #matothedamndea #newbestfriends #heworeaskirt #butlookatthoselegs #livingourrealestlife
Theo: How are you feeling?
Laney: Like I want to peel my skin off. Mom is making me wear oven mitts when she’s home. How in the hell did I contract chicken pox at twenty-one?
Theo: It could be worse. It could’ve come in as shingles. Those are supposed to be a lot more painful.
Laney: How do you know?
Theo: I looked it up.
Laney: She finally left for work, and I can’t stop scratching. I’ll give you everything in my savings to come and get at my back with a rake.
Theo: No can do. What did you do today?
Laney: Glued a great pyramid of Doritos for worship.
Laney sent an image
Theo: That’s pretty impressive.
Laney: Had to do something with my hands. And it’s gotten two thousand likes.
Theo: That many?
Laney: Do you ever check the damned page? We have almost nine thousand followers.
Theo: WTF!
Laney: Yep. Ever since the Ghostin’ the Whip post we’ve gained momentum.
Pause…
Theo: I think I see why.
Laney: Why?
Theo: I’m just going to table this discussion for now.
Laney: Whatever. (eye roll emoji) I know I have abundant cleavage.
Theo: What are you doing right now?
Laney: Binge watching this old reality show called Rock of Love.
Theo: What’s it about?
Laney: This old lead singer from an eighties hair band called Poison and the twenty women competing for his, ahem, heart. Ironically, I’ve been trying to figure out all day if he’s wearing a wig.
Theo: Why don’t you just Google and find out?
Laney: Because it’s a train wreck and far more entertaining to guess.
Theo: How long are you contagious?
Laney: A few more days. Have you had chicken pox yet?
Theo: My mom hasn’t texted back yet to let me know. Sorry. I have a game coming up, and I don’t want to chance it.
Laney: Shit, I guess this cheese will have to itch alone.
Theo: And on Halloween (sad emoji)
Laney: I know. SUCKS! I can’t watch scary movies alone in this house, I’ll be terrified, and Max will have nightmares. No candy corn for me either. #livingmysuckiestlife
Theo: Sorry. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll watch with you.
Laney: You don’t have to.
Theo: QT. What episode?
Laney: Start on one. I’ll re-watch.
Five minutes later…
Theo: Definitely a wig.
Laney: I know. Poor guy. Can you imagine being known as the leader of a hair band and losing all your hair? Ouch life, ouch.
Ten minutes later…
Theo: These women are idiots.
Laney: Some of them, yes. Some were doing it to further their careers.
Theo: As what?
Laney: TV personalities. Plus, this is the result of pure marketing genius. Watch how they spin nothing into something. How they pause for effect. I might have a midlife rocker to PR for one day. This is good research.
Theo: You want me to believe we’re watching this shit to better your education?
Laney: Work with me.
Twenty minutes later…
Theo: I feel less intelligent for watching this.
Laney: But you can’t look away
, admit it! It’s the spin they put on things I tell you. And Brett is the perfect ringleader. He plays the peacekeeper, but he’s the antagonist.
Theo: Why, oh why are they crying over him? They’ve only known him for a few days, and he’s in drag.
Laney: I think he’s sort of cute.
Theo: Check your temp.
Laney: I’m serious, he’s got pretty eyes.
Theo: He’s wearing eyeliner. I demand we find something else to watch.
Laney: It’s called guyliner. Fine, you pick something.
Theo: Ancient Aliens.
Laney: Oh, hell no, you criticize me for my show, but have you seen the hair on some of those ancient astronaut theorists?
Theo: At least some of it’s logical.
Laney: It’s mostly bullshit.
Theo: Fine, onto episode two.
Laney: I knew it, you’re hooked!
Theo: QT Episode two
Thirty minutes later…
Theo: Jesus, they aren’t even captioning the French girl correctly. They’re spelling it the way she’s talking. Z car. Really?
Laney: Only you would be worried about that, instead of commenting on her huge French tits.
Theo: I highly doubt they are French.
Laney: Not your type?
Theo: My dick shrank when I saw her come out nipples blazing. No Class.
Laney: What’s your type? Let me guess, Daphne from Scooby Doo?
Theo: Why do I talk to you?
Laney: Because I’m entertaining.
Theo: Ha. ^^^ it’s the first G you’ve ever used. I still read it as entertainin’.
Laney: You’re an ass.
Theo: I swear I heard you say that.
Laney: That’s cause I’m behind you.
Pause…
Laney: Made you look.
Theo: Wouldn’t put it past you.
Laney: I look horrible. I will spare you.
Theo: Bet it’s not that bad.
Laney sent a photo
Theo: I’m not going to lie. It’s bad. What are those pink splotches?
Laney: Supposed to help the itch. It’s not.
Theo: Poor baby.
Laney: Bet that’s not your type.
Pause…
Laney: I was just messing with you.
Theo: I think you’re beautiful.
Pause…
Theo: You there?
Laney: Yeah. I was wiping my tears away. You hit me when I was vulnerable. I feel so bad, and I guess that just got me a little emotional. This really hurts. Like bad, like oww.
Theo: I’m sorry you’re hurting.
Laney: Just a few more days, right?
Theo: Right.
Theo: You are, you know. Truly beautiful. I mean that.
Laney: Stop, you’re going to make me cry and itch.
Theo: Sorry.
Laney: No, you’re awesome. Really, thank you. I needed to hear that.
Theo: Anytime. So, more Rock of Love?
Laney: You don’t have to.
Theo: I want to.
Laney: You’re the best ever. Episode three?
Theo: On it.
Laney: Happy Halloween, Houseman. (pumpkin emoji)
Theo: Happy Halloween, Laney. (candy corn emoji)
Laney: Aww, you got me candy corn.
#chickenpoxingit #itchin #freddiekruegeraintgotshitonme #snackstax #doritosarelife #notreatsforme #thishouseisaprison #livingmyrealestlife
Grannism—They say a kiss is worth a thousand words, I say hand-holdin’ is where it’s at.
Laney
Two days later, I’m sitting in bed brushing my hair after my second shower when my phone lights up with Theo requesting FaceTime.
Screw it. He’s already seen the damage.
I swipe and answer. “Hey, how was the game?” I ask to the face of a guy I don’t know. “Oh my God,” I drop my phone in my lap and cover my face with both hands. “Who are you?”
“Rest easy, doll, we’ve been warned.”
I peek through my fingers down at the screen. “Uh huh. Hi. Who are you? And where’s Theo?”
“I’m Pete,” he grins, and I can’t help but notice he’s adorable even with a crooked front tooth, messy brown hair, and light blue eyes. He nods over his shoulder. “He’s back here. He asked me to call you.”
“Oh? What for?”
Mischief shines in his eyes. “I’m in charge of the get well card.”
Confused, I lean in. “The what?”
In the background, I hear. “Dude, get off my nuts, you’re standing too close.”
“It’s a bus, asshole, everyone’s too close.”
“Are we doing this or what?”
“You better not be recording this shit, Pete.”
Theo’s voice sounds up next. “Would you guys shut the hell up?”
“Sit down back there!” I hear, who I assume is the bus driver, call out.
“Damn, Schmitty’s already bitching. Hurry up!”
Pete smiles crookedly as D12’s “My Band” starts to play, and a huddled group of Rangers comes into view with Theo standing front and center. The only other person I recognize is Zach, and I wave to him enthusiastically as they begin their routine. I’m already laughing when they start rapping animatedly, piled on top of each other, some in the aisle of the bus and some hanging over the back of the seats.
“This is epic!” I shout, knowing they can’t hear me. The phone pans on Theo who does a sly shoulder brush, rapping along with Eminem verbatim before they all take turns with their verses, stealing the camera and pushing each other out of the way for attention. It’s hilarious and warms my heart. I’m grinning from ear to ear, watching as they clamor for the camera before Pete turns it on himself to mouth his own verse. It’s well-orchestrated, and I’m highly impressed. When the song is over, the guys pop up on screen one by one with well wishes.
“Feel better, Laney!”
“Get well, Laney!”
“She’s hot, even with the dots.”
Pete turns the phone on himself.
“So, when you’re feeling better, we can—”
Theo growls, snatching the phone away. “I’ll take it from here, asshole.”
He comes into view, rolling his eyes before delivering a megawatt smile.
“Hey you, how you feeling?”
“That was incredible!”
His grin widens, warming me from the inside. “Thought you’d appreciate it.”
I hear the driver then threaten to throw them off the bus as a voice calls out. “Aw, eat ya sammich, Schmitty!”
Theo and I both crack up.
“Seriously, that was epic. When did you put that together?”
“Eh, when you spend a shitload of hours on a bus both ways, you get creative. That’s an oldie but a goodie.”
“Well, it was YouTube-worthy, I swear, I loved it, thank you,” warmth spreading in my chest as I study him. His band jacket unbuttoned, he’s wearing a white V-neck beneath revealing a little of his neck and chest. His damp hair curls up at the ends around his ears, and a headband peeks out beneath the soaked mane swept across his forehead. It looks a little more like he just performed at a rock concert rather than half-time. It’s sexy, and I find my cheeks warming as I study his lips and the look in his eye.
“Glad you liked it, that could’ve been embarrassing.”
“For who? I thought you weren’t the type to get embarrassed.”
“This, I take seriously. It was our debut.”
“They seem like a fun bunch.”
“Totally.”
“Y’all hang out much other than in the band?”
“I hang with Zach when I have time. The rest I can do without until we’re ass deep in green pleather.”
“Heard that, asshole.”
“Meant for you to,” Theo retorts with a shrug.
“So,” I greedily drink him in. “With you, what you see is what you get, huh?”
“Pretty much.”
We’re grinning at each other like idiots. And it strikes hard then, I like what I see. I like it very much.
Laney
“Haven’t seen much of you lately,” Devin says, giving me a sly side eye. We’re on our way for her final dress fitting, and a champagne lunch her soon-to-be mother-in-law has arranged.
“Sorry, I’ve been busy with school and—”
“Theo.”
“I like him, okay? He’s a lot of fun. He’s smart and funny, and we go to the parties and stuff together, so we don’t have to fly solo. He’s kind of a loner, like me and just about the best guy I’ve ever met.”
“But nothing is going on?”
“No.” She eyes me, and I turn to face her in the front seat of her monster truck.
“Look, I am attracted to him, okay? I’ll admit it. It crept up on me slow, and now I’m fully aware of it.”
“That’s because it’s more than looks attracting you at this point.”
“But he is good looking.”
“I’m not disagreeing,” she says, slowing at a stop light. “He’s got a certain something.”
“But, and I mean but, I’ve never had a guy friend like this. Ever. We talk about everything. And I mean everything. We’re brutally honest with each other.”
“That’s good.”
“It is.”
I look out the window and sigh. “I don’t know if he’s attracted to me. He told me I was beautiful the other day, but it was when I had the pox. But he texted it in a way I felt like he meant it. But it’s not like he lingers at my door when he leaves me or anything.”
“And you want him to?”
“What if he does?”
“Answer the question, Laney.” She parks in front of the bridal shop and turns to me.
“I might?”
“Don’t torch your friendship over a might.”
“Exactly.”
“So, this friendship you have with him is genuine.”
“It is. Yes.”
“Sounds a lot like what Chase and I have. Friendships like that are the basis of a good and lasting relationship.”