“I can remember finding her…” Ethan’s eyes were haunted. “There was so much blood.” His hand shook, nearly dropping the glass.
“After your father was imprisoned, the state wanted to put you both into the foster system. I argued for custody for six months. They released you to me, but your sister was taken away. Because of my involvement, they kept her location and information closed. I am sorry.” They nodded, both stunned at the revelation that he had a sister who was lost to him. “When you joined the army, we lost touch for a long time. Work required me to move to the States where you found me, seven months ago.”
“Antione, don’t keep back information in front of her.” Ethan turned to look at Amber, his eyes sad and tender. “She deserves to know everything.” The old man sighed, his own eyes becoming sad and tender.
“You were…broken. For days after buying that house, the door was locked. When you finally let me in, the rooms were dark. There were bottles scattered on the floors. It took two months to nurse you back to health. Even then, there was something missing.” His voice broke, turning quickly away and shuffling off toward the hallway. Amber stood to follow him, but stopped when Ethan gripped her wrist.
“Leave him alone. He doesn’t want you to see his tears.” His instinctive reaction was to comfort the man who had raised him, but some memory held him back, pinioned his arms to his side and feet to the floor. “It’s a French custom.” The forged lie didn’t keep her standing there, it was the pain in his eyes.
“We don’t have to go through with this. Let’s just walk away. Maybe knowing isn’t a good thing.” There was a flash of weakness in his face, then he pulled his body up straighter and met her gaze.
“You deserve to know…no matter what he says. There might be something that I can’t remember, but would change your mind about us.” Her eyes widened, not believing her ears. He’s willing to give up everything…me…the children…because he loves us. “If there is, I’ll have to live with it. But you have a chance to choose, to walk out that door and build a new life with the kids.”
“No, Ethan.” She began to protest when the old man returned to the room, his eyes were a little red and there was still a pained expression in them. The children came bounding back into the living room, the dog close on their heels.
“Daddy!” The boy shouted, arm thrown around her neck. “Can we take her on a walk?” It tugged on Ethan’s heart, as though hooks were tearing it to pieces. He might lose them, the next hour would decide that for him. I can’t give them up. Forcing a wan smile, he walked over and squatted down to pet the dog.
“Sure, maybe after the adults finish their conversation. You and Emily should probably wear her out a little more in the yard first though. Otherwise, she might run away with so much energy.” It didn’t take any urging for the children to take off for the yard with the dog barking with excitement.
Ethan walked down the hallway into the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face. His heart was pounding, mind racing in desperation. I’m sorry, my love. Amber stood watching the children at the window as he hesitated in the hallway. I must let him tell the truth and lose you. Then he stepped back into the room and took a seat. “Tell us the rest.” Antoine sighed, pouring himself another drink and gulping it down.
“You had lost…your life. It was survival, every day was focused on getting through it. The routine that you followed was a means of carrying on.” Ethan nodded, both of the men turning to gage Amber’s reaction. There were tears glistening in her eyes, her lips trembling from suppressed emotion. “After two months, the psychologist began to consult with me about admitting Ethan into a medical facility. We spoke daily, the goal for me was trying to figure out the past. His past. I failed, regrettably.”
“No.” Ethan spoke in a low voice, strained from emotion. “I wasn’t going to let you in, it didn’t matter what anybody said. In the last two years in the army, I’d been shot at, watched my wife and child die, betrayed, tortured, and called an unreliable witness. I couldn’t trust you.” The woman at his side was in a turmoil of emotions and incoherent thoughts. Her hand moved in a desperate reaching, before it slid into his own to stop it from shaking.
“In his despair, he threw himself into a search for purpose. He found it in searching for a man who had been instrumental in his betrayal.”
“That must have been the reason we found each other on the road.” Amber breathed the words out in a soft voice, realization crashing in on her world. “Oh, my goodness! You were searching for Wade.” Ethan was struggling to process the information, his body stiff and a cold sweat forming on the skin. A dull grey had glossed over his eyes, the glare focused on a point on the wall, seeing nothing. Inside his heart was racing wildly, the breath was thundering in his ears. I could have killed her, the children.
14
The walk back to the house was silent, except for the shouts of the children and the bark of the dog. Amber could see the struggle going on behind the dark blue of his eyes, the thoughts reflected in her own mind. His pain was making her heart ache. She wanted to help, but he’d locked her out. Oh, Ethan, you’re so broken. Let me in. The darkened house seemed suddenly oppressive to both of them. Necessity separated them for an hour while she prepared the children for bed. When she returned to the bedroom, he was on his knees before the closet – a handgun in his hand. There was something frightening in his silence. “Ethan!” Her hand landed on the weapon, gripping it and his hand tightly. “You can’t do this.”
“I have to finish this fight. Let me go, Amber. You deserve better, darling.” A lock of hair hung in her face, he gently slid it behind her ear. She stood, walking slowly out into the living room – unable to stand seeing him like this. He came running when a glass smashed to the floor, saw her wildly shoving things off tables. Two steps and he had her pinioned in an embrace, attempting to contain the rage and fear that was trapped in the beautiful chest. As he held her, listening to the painful sobs in her throat, something dawned on him. This woman who had seemed so strong in his eyes was breaking inside. Her greatest fear was losing the security that they’d created, together.
He knelt down beside her, gazing into the dark eyes and seeing the terrible insecurity in them. It ripped his heart apart and tortured his mind. His hand trembled as he raised it to push the hair off her face, then saw her flinch instinctively. “You don’t have to be afraid of me. I promised to keep you safe.” The eyes shifted to his own, watching the movement of his hand like a wounded animal. That a man can treat a woman with such brutality. Don’t be afraid of me, darling. “I’m scared, mi alma.” Her entire body shivered as he gently pushed the hair back and slid a blanket over her shoulders. “You scare me. But if you need me, I’m here. I’ll stay for you.” She couldn’t reply, her body had shut down emotionally and physically – his words calming her into a fitful slumber.
Early morning sun rays shone on her face, revealing the sleeping man leaning on the coffee table. Their hands were connected, laying gently on the material of the couch. She woke up, sliding into a sitting position in alarm. It disturbed his sleep, the blue eyes meeting her own. Neither of them spoke, remembering the events of the night before. He moved slowly, stiff from the uncomfortable position. Rising to his feet, he began to pick up the objects scattered on the floor with a careful hand. Her eyes followed him, then stopped on the right side of his face. The area around the eye was severely discolored. I hit him! Fear pulsed through her chest, waiting for the blow that would inevitably follow. “Would you like some coffee?” The question took her off guard, rendering her speechless. “I’m going to try and make some breakfast before the children get up. Will they eat an omelet?” She found herself nodding with an incredulous look on her face. Slowly, she slid off the couch and walked up to the counter. A carton of eggs sat there, the beautiful brown shells appearing a light tan in the sunlight.
“Let me help.” She picked one up, savoring the cool feeling against her fingers. The skin around his eyes wrink
led in a smile, the frying pan sliding onto the stove.
“Sure.” They worked side by side, just enjoying the peaceful domestic atmosphere – so foreign to the both of them. Amber had learned to cook with two children, a mangy dog, and a drunk husband constantly interrupting. To have a man help in such peaceful, quiet surroundings was a new experience. Ethan was marveling at the woman who stood there, in his kitchen and had pledged her love to him. It scared him. The smell of food drew the children and dog out from the back bedroom, all three of them beginning to tussle in the living room.
“We should take a walk in the park, today.” The suggestion made the children come running into the kitchen, each of them clinging to an adult.
“May we take the dog?” Ethan looked down at the eyes that were so hopeful with a laugh, trying to slide an omelet onto a plate.
“Of course, we’ll take the dog.” A thought passed through his mind – maybe I can do this. Stay here, leave the past behind. It both scared him, but also seemed to lift an immense weight off his chest. He caught Amber’s eye, the deep brown orbs reflecting his own feelings. “Is that alright, honey?” Her face registered confusion, then her mouth opened and closed for a moment.
“Of course, the children need to get out of the house.” They set the plates of steaming food on the table, eating quickly and laughing at the children’s inquisitive questions. After the plates were empty, Ethan rose and began to gather them. “Let me do that.” Her tone was slightly panicked, not used to a man taking care of her.
“I’ve got it. The children will need help getting ready for the day.” It gave her a purpose, something to take her mind off of the awe and fear. He reappeared in the living room in a dark blue t-shirt, black jacket, and dark jeans. Her eyes saw an unnatural bulge in the pocket, remembering the reason that made it necessary for him to carry a weapon and shivering. Outside of the door, the children took off ahead with the dog. The sunlight shone warm and bright around them. “We should get some new clothes for you and the kids.” Ethan was nervous, the jacket feeling warmer than it was.
“Ethan. You’ve done enough for us.” Amber spoke, trying to detach her heart from the situation – thinking that he was going to leave them. “We can’t pay you back.” He stopped as though someone had struck him in the face.
“You don’t have to pay me back, Amber.” There was a note of hurt in his voice. “It’s my choice…I had hoped you understood that.”
“But you’re leaving now. We need to start thinking about getting our life in order. The children can’t survive on thin air.” He wanted to grab her arm, stop her from walking, but he didn’t. That would be going too far, putting him on a level with her ex-husband.
“Amber. I love you. I’m not leaving. Your husband isn’t my priority anymore. You are. Let me take care of you!” His voice rose slightly in volume, a pleading look coming into his eyes. She stood frozen to the sidewalk, stopped by the event that her father had declared would never happen. A man wanted to take care of her, meaning every word he said. Ethan approached, afraid that she would run away. He gently wrapped her in his arms, kissing the top of her head.
“Then, let me in.” Her words were breathless and tearful, resting in his embrace. “Tell me what you are thinking.”
“We can start a life together, Amber. Raise the children in a safe environment where they’ll have a dog, a grandpa, and an education. I’ll get a job. You can do…whatever you want. I want to…deserve you, darling.” They began to walk, his hand resting lightly on the small of her back as she leaned into his side. “But we’ll take it slow, at your pace.”
“This can’t be true.” She stepped away, wiping at her face violently to stop the tears. You have to be strong, Amber. For the children. They can’t go through this again. Better alone, then with a man that could hurt us. “You don’t know who I am.”
“Then teach me.” His eyes were melting into liquid that slid down his cheeks, jaw trembling from the suppressed emotion. “Don’t shut me out.”
“I have to…to be alone to think.” Amber turned and ran back to the house, slamming the bathroom door. She sank to the floor, back against the wood and moaning from the emotional struggle occurring in her chest. A knock at the door forced her to stand up and walk to the left of the house. Antoine stood there, a casserole dish in his hands.
“I thought that maybe you….” His words were cut short, observing the tears on her face. “What’s wrong? Is it Ethan?”
“Yes…no…” Her hands went up to her head, holding it to stop the aching in it. “I don’t know.” He followed her inside and took a seat at the kitchen counter. “It’s been so long since there was someone to trust. It terrifies me…gives him the power to hurt me.”
“Ethan is an honorable man, cheri. There is nothing further from the truth. He left the safety of a job in London because of a story in the paper. It spoke of the atrocities occurring in Arabia to the women and children.”
“Is that where he met his wife?” Amber asked, leaning forward and taking comfort in hearing about this man who had stolen…no…she’d given her heart to.
“Oi, she was the one who had written the story. There were men who had been involved in the brutality who attempted to murder her. He stopped them for a while, then the fire came and it…ruined him. You’ve brought back that man, don’t leave him. I’m afraid…that if you do, there won’t be anything left.”
15
Morgen shook hands with the man across from her, forcing a smile onto her lips. “Colonel Morgen, your assistance in getting the board to approve this program is most appreciated. We’re willing to offer you a position as a handler for the new recruits.” It was a good occupation, she knew from reading the files. But something made her hesitate, thinking it through carefully. “We’ve already obtained the services of a Miss Tessa Ray in the legal department.” She agreed to work with these men, that’s unusual. I’ll speak to her tonight. These thoughts ran through her mind before the decision came out in a careful formed sentence.
“Mr. Carlson, I’m flattered that you are considering me for a position.” She paused a beat before continuing. “But there would be some conditions that would have to be met before I could consent.”
“And those are…? He pulled out a notepad from a pocket, pen poised to take notes and an interested expression on his face.
“There’s a man who should be hired. His name is Ethan Ryde, an ex-major for the SAS. Hire him, I’ll work for you as his handler.”
“Would you have an idea were this Major Ryde is, currently?” She handed him a small index card with an address scribbled on it in red ink. “We’ll be sure to look into this, Colonel. Have a nice day.” As he turned to leave, the notecard was slipped into the coat pocket and forgotten about.
Two steps outside the building, a young woman appeared at his elbow and dragged him into the alley. “Give me the address that the woman gave you.” He shook his head, then tensed as a gun came into view. “The wall would be improved with your guts scattered over them.” The notecard was laid in her hand while he began to plead for his life.
“Take the address, just let me go.” Her eyes didn’t even look at him again, instead the gun disappeared into the pocket of the jacket and she walked away. Carlson stood there in complete shock, his nerves rattled by the close brush with death. The days that he’d been in the field were long past, a desk had become his comfort zone.
The girl slid into the seat of a Honda CR-V, putting it in drive and sliding into the thoroughfare of traffic. Her eyes flicked down to the piece of paper at her side. This was the break that she had been waiting for ever since the truth had turned the world upside down. It was time to get the answers that she needed to survive. The highway lights distracted her thoughts, making them flit from thought to thought without any structure.
Nightmares had been haunting her dreams, burning and scarring her mind. The man who had raised her wasn’t “Father”. He had murdered her mother. Then tried to tell himself
that to care for the orphan of the enemy was honorable, even commendable. Allah would repay his good works. Two weeks ago, he had told her the truth before his death from cancer. Her father had left the country, abandoned his daughter. Now, the vehicle turned into the street printed on the white note card.
A man was standing outside, throwing a Frisbee to a dog. Two children were waving their arms in the air, trying to catch it. The sunlight made his hair appear lighter than it was, reflecting the golden rays. “Daddy!” She gasped as the little girl spoke, doubting the integrity of her ears. He turned, a smile on his face and the blue eyes laughing in their depths. It made her heart hurt, thinking of the relationship that she had never had with him. The girl launched herself into his arms, knocking them both to the grass. They lay there, laughing and breathless. Then a woman came out from the house, standing at the edge of the porch, watching them. His smile disappeared, the laughter fading from his eyes. A great sadness passed across his face.
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